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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel my in-laws have done wrong by my DD?

67 replies

MagpieMomma · 23/12/2016 12:53

My PIL and SIL live on the coast, an hour away from us. We try to see them every two months, and will usually celebrate birthdays on the closest day possible. So my DD and my niece both have Nov birthdays. We saw them in Oct, when we celebrated mine and DH's. They came to us this Sunday, for an early Christmas lunch (we can't see each other over Christmas) and we gave our niece her bday gift. Nothing was said about my DD's, and at the end of the day my DD commented that we'd given her cousin something, but she'd not got anything.
They are well off and usually spoil the kids, so I'm guessing they genuinely just forgot. So, do I ask them/remind them, and risk embarrassing them and myself or do I suck it up and keep quiet, even though my DD was upset? For myself, I'd be mortified if I ever forgot a close relative's birthday, and would prefer a reminder than to have them keep quiet, but I am super emotional and hate for anyone to feel left out.

OP posts:
Wayfarersonbaby · 23/12/2016 12:58

I'd say something, so that it doesn't fester and cause any bad feeling. Just ring them and thank them for coming, and ask nicely if they had thought about what DD would like for her birthday, as it was in November and DD was wondering if they had remembered. They may just need a reminder!

DearMrDilkington · 23/12/2016 13:01

I wouldn't say anything. Nobody has to buy anyone a birthday present, it's just a nice gesture. Just leave it, it's not the end of the world.

SmilingButClueless · 23/12/2016 13:08

Maybe they've got your DD an especially-nice Christmas gift rather than giving her a late birthday present? That happened to me a few times when I was younger and didn't necessarily see relatives near to my birthday.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 23/12/2016 13:21

Ouch. It's unfortunate for your dd but I think you should just leave it. If I'd forgotten to give someone a gift I'd be a bit Hmm to be reminded I think. Unless it came up fairly naturally in conversation.

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 23/12/2016 13:25

I think I would phone and say it was lovely to see them, but dd was upset as she thought they had forgotten her birthday, which you are sure isn't the case!

ChocoChou · 23/12/2016 13:33

I'd leave it

ZogsAnon · 23/12/2016 13:37

PA approach... Phone and say your dd is doing thankyou cards and you couldn't work out which one was from them as a couple had become separated from cards...

Wellitwouldbenice · 23/12/2016 13:43

Old fashioned manners apply here - you should be bringing up your daughter never to expect a gift.

CaraAspen · 23/12/2016 13:51

It must feel rotten for the child who has been forgotten, though. When people are present-giving, the very least they can do is be consistent.

CaraAspen · 23/12/2016 13:52

How hard can it be? Grrrrr

MommaGee · 23/12/2016 13:55

Manners do apply and no one should ever assume etc etc but this is a child who always gets presents off a relative, who sucked itvup whilst her cousin got hers instead of having a strop. I'd want reminding if she were my niece / grandchild. Can partner speak to them as its his family?

Bestthingever · 23/12/2016 13:55

You don't HAVE to give presents but you can't just suddenly stop giving a child. What does your dh think?

Salmotrutta · 23/12/2016 13:57

I wouldn't say anything. I tried to teach my DC not to "expect" gifts.

I understand that it's a bit off but if you just say "Be thankful for gifts you do get but don't expect to get things because sometimes people haven't been able to organise anything for some reason"

Cherrysoup · 23/12/2016 14:01

How old is your dd? Not even a card? I'd definitely be mentioning something, difficult to know what to say, tho.

CaraAspen · 23/12/2016 14:03

I think they should be told the child has expressed confusion and is clearly hurt.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 23/12/2016 14:08

Your DD's grandparents didn't get her a birthday present?! That's awful! I know not all aunties and uncles do but really GPs should. I'd get your DH to say something to his parents - and to his sister something like "are we not doing presents for the kids then so we know for next year?"

GruochMacAlpin · 23/12/2016 14:11

I agree with the general principle that you shouldn't expect a gift but this is her Aunt and Grandparents and a gift is usual.

This happened to me as a child OP. My GP's forgot my birthday. My Dad had a quiet word (without mentioning anything about it to me). My Grandmother was appalled that she'd forgotten and grateful for the reminder.

She sent a lovely present and a special card. That was the year I learned the word "belated". Grin

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2016 14:13

No I wouldn't say anything, I suspect they forgot and are embarrassed by it. Maybe treat your daughter to a little something in way of lieu,

MudCity · 23/12/2016 14:15

I would definitely leave it and agree with other posters who have said that this is an opportunity to teach your DD never to expect a gift.

BarbarianMum · 23/12/2016 14:16

In the fence here. The parent in me would say nothing. But if I were a grandparent I would definately want to be reminded.

MimiSunshine · 23/12/2016 14:21

Of course you should say something, your daughter noticed and was upset, the fact that her cousin got a present shows they are doing Child's birthday presents.

Best case they somehow forgot, worst case they favour the cousin in which case they'll either be mortified but thankful you reminded them or know they can't pull that kind of crap with your child.

Just call and say she thought she'd been forgotten about but you e reassured her that's not the case.

PuppyMonkey · 23/12/2016 14:25

Very tacky to say anything imho. Could the cousin's parents have a quiet word with them, say thanks for the smashing prezzie and what did you get XX?

HardcoreLadyType · 23/12/2016 14:31

Old fashioned manners apply here - you should be bringing up your daughter never to expect a gift.

This.

Lireal · 23/12/2016 14:36

Perhaps they posted and it got lost?

EweAreHere · 23/12/2016 14:51

If anyone is going to say something, it should be your DH as it's his side of the family.

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