AIBU to feel my in-laws have done wrong by my DD?

[MagpieMomma]

My PIL and SIL live on the coast, an hour away from us. We try to see them every two months, and will usually celebrate birthdays on the closest day possible. So my DD and my niece both have Nov birthdays. We saw them in Oct, when we celebrated mine and DH's. They came to us this Sunday, for an early Christmas lunch (we can't see each other over Christmas) and we gave our niece her bday gift. Nothing was said about my DD's, and at the end of the day my DD commented that we'd given her cousin something, but she'd not got anything.
They are well off and usually spoil the kids, so I'm guessing they genuinely just forgot. So, do I ask them/remind them, and risk embarrassing them and myself or do I suck it up and keep quiet, even though my DD was upset? For myself, I'd be mortified if I ever forgot a close relative's birthday, and would prefer a reminder than to have them keep quiet, but I am super emotional and hate for anyone to feel left out.

CaraAspen: I do see it from her point of view. It doesn't change what is appropriate. You don't ask where your presents are.

Can you raise generally giving presents, and say that you don't need something so lavish as your last one, but the children do still love getting presents so can they include them?

Bat Maggie, don't you see that the gift could well have got lost? They'd be mortified to think dd didn't think she'd had a present and cross that didn't know.

Please reconsider my suggestion on page 2. Stuff gets lost and mislaid in the post all the time. If they were crap, non present giving GPS ok, leave it. But they aren't are they?

So, having chatted to my DH last night, he wants to wait until after Christmas, as it just doesn't feel right to raise the subject now.

We also thought of sending our DD a voucher, saying it was from her GP, and if she remembers to thank them when we see them and they act confused, we can fill them in and brush it off as unimportant?

Tell dh to man up and talk to his parents

If they have always brought her a gift and cousin then weird they didn't this year

Either

be blunt and say dd was upset no pressie
Say doing thank you's but can't rem What they brought
Subtle and say dd worried lost in post

Definitely don't buy a present and pass it off as being from the grandparents. That is just going to lead to more problems...what happens if you have to do the same next year?
I think it is likely the grandparents forgot or it is lost. However, has your DD reached a particular age and, if so, is it possible that the grandparents only buy actual presents up to a certain age? My DGM did that as she ended up with 15 grandchildren so only bought for us until we were 10. Or is it possible that they just thought that they don't see much of you & so possibly aren't that close to DD and so decided not to buy. I agree in most situations grandparents buy presents for grandchildren but I can't think of anyone I know whose grandparents live an hour away and who only see them once every two months (well, not unless there is a dysfunctional relationship in which case lack of presents is least of their concerns).

I think your dd has it right here. She is being thoughtful and graceful and has found a way not to feel resentful. You should be proud of her and follow her lead.

Our DCs get nothing from DH's siblings for Xmas or birthday and will occasionally get a colouring book or lucky bag months later from PIL. They buy loads for the grandchildren that live near and our kids are starting to notice. Unfortunately it's been several years and we've missed the boat on saying anything. (I try to protect them from getting upset by not visiting often.)

Could they maybe have posted something and it's got lost in the post?

SnorkelParka you're right, and I am proud of her.

And Stillwantrachelshair, life is busy with kids and weekend activities and homework. We try to see them as often as possible. Usually a visit means staying the night as they have a large house which is generally full of visiting family, and my kids love seeing their cousins so they'll have sleepovers at their house or GP's. I don't think not seeing them more is a problem. And they are close to my kids, and no, if they still get me and DH lovely gifts I don't think they've cut off DD as being too old.
Cinderella I did wonder about that. It does happen, in which case the longer we left it the less they can do something about it?

I agree with the posters saying that your should phone. I think that the comments about old fashioned manners are missing the point. This isn't about expecting a gift, it is about being hurt at the different treatment. It would be terrible if what was probably an oversight left your DD feeling less loved by her grandparents than her cousin. And like you, I would really want to know if I was in the grandparents' position. Much better to have an open conversation than let bad feelings develop.

Agree if its gone AWOL leaving it until after Christmas is gonna be too late. It isn't about confrontation is it? Its just a gentle we were doing thank you notes and we weren't sure if yours has got lost or it became separated from the label etc conversation. They seem like lovely generous people, not the sort to yell at dh for querying.
In our family I'd call Ddad and say hi, I say you'd got DN lovely present but just wondered if you'd got anything for DS

No pretending. Tell them. As someone else has said your OH needs to do this for his child. Honestly, I despair.
I really admire your child's attempt to rationalise it, OP, but she should not have found herself in this situation.

In addition, if the grandparents had sent it and there had been no thanks from the child, wouldn't they have enquirer if it had arrived safely? You can track parcels after all.

...enquiries...

...enquired

Exactly Armadillostoes.

I have forgotten my Nieces bday before. I was really stressed at work and trying to get ready for a big holiday. When we were shopping when we were a way I saw something she would like and it just jogged my memory. I messaged my SIL straight away apologising mortified I'd forgotten. I think my SIL was just glad she didn't have to mention it but I would have much rather she did as it was a genuine oversight. Funnily enough I've never forgotten again! I'd wait until after Xmas too and then say something, especially if it's grandparents, they may have just completely forgotten and will feel awful when they do remember.