Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel my in-laws have done wrong by my DD?

67 replies

MagpieMomma · 23/12/2016 12:53

My PIL and SIL live on the coast, an hour away from us. We try to see them every two months, and will usually celebrate birthdays on the closest day possible. So my DD and my niece both have Nov birthdays. We saw them in Oct, when we celebrated mine and DH's. They came to us this Sunday, for an early Christmas lunch (we can't see each other over Christmas) and we gave our niece her bday gift. Nothing was said about my DD's, and at the end of the day my DD commented that we'd given her cousin something, but she'd not got anything.
They are well off and usually spoil the kids, so I'm guessing they genuinely just forgot. So, do I ask them/remind them, and risk embarrassing them and myself or do I suck it up and keep quiet, even though my DD was upset? For myself, I'd be mortified if I ever forgot a close relative's birthday, and would prefer a reminder than to have them keep quiet, but I am super emotional and hate for anyone to feel left out.

OP posts:
SantasJockstrap · 23/12/2016 15:07

I wouldn't say anything it could be rude

Kids will learn disappointment, it isn't the end of the world

Original poster
MagpieMomma · 23/12/2016 15:43

Thanks, I knew it would be one of those divided responses posts. I would not have given it any more thought, but for my dd to raise it was what upset me. They gave me quite an expensive and lavish gift in October, which I totally didn't expect, and it is the fact that they always give lovely gifts. My son got his in June. Anyway, yes, I agree that if anyone says anything it should be my dh, and will have to be in person so we're looking at Jan sometime. Maybe we'll have forgotten about it ourselves by then.

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 23/12/2016 16:21

I honestly think your dh needs to phone now and say mum/dad, I don't want to upset you but dd noticed her cousin got birthday cards and gifts and she's a wee bit hurt you didn't bring her a card or say happy birthday.

No need to mention a gift and it would give them the chance to discover it was lost in the post/ they forgot and sort it.

I don't think you leave it in this circumstance - they will probably me mortified when they realise

humblesims · 23/12/2016 16:26

Is it possible that they posted something and it has got lost or left it somewhere in your home and it got mislaid? My DS had a big birthday last week and we thought his GF had forgotten and eventually plucked up courage to mention it and it turned out he'd given it to a relative to pass on but they hadnt and he thought my DS was being rude not ringing him up to thank him. so yeah, do mention it if its out of character.

Original poster
MagpieMomma · 23/12/2016 17:16

Ugh, my gut says to mention it but I know I'll be the one to feel crap if we do. But yes, in this instance I think they would be mortified. To clarify though, the cousin lives near them so they saw her for her BD, it was us that gave her a gift on Sun. And yes, very likely they meant to send an amazon voucher or something in the mail...they have forgotten to mail things before.

Thanks for your advice and suggestions.

OP posts:
user1481838270 · 23/12/2016 17:27

This is a tricky one.

Could you ask your DH to have a quiet word with his parents? For example, give them a heads up that they had forgotton the birthday and that both you and your DD would be far too polite to ever mention it.

JosephineMaynard · 23/12/2016 17:31

I think I'd have to say something- as pp suggest, phrased around DD being upset about no card, no happy birthday wishes.

I know gifts shouldn't be expected etc, but given that it's out of character for them and they're close relatives, I'd mention it. I'd also phone up soonish to mention it rather than wait till you see them in person in January .

SquinkiesRule · 23/12/2016 17:36

I think your Dh should ring them and ask, they gave you and Ds gifts it;s very mean to miss out Dd. I bet they forgot.

Trifleorbust · 23/12/2016 17:54

I wouldn't say anything. You're right that it's unfair but it's much more impolite to issue reminders.

MatildaTheCat · 23/12/2016 17:59

Definitely send a polite email saying this is rather embarrassing but you are worried that dds gift may have got lost in the post as they are always so generous and this year she hasn't had anything.

It's entirely possible they sent something which has gone astray can't think how with such wonderful courier firms delivering Hmm and are feeling sad or offended that they haven't been thanked.

You can be completely clear that dd doesn't expect a gift but this is so unusual you wanted to double check.

Better still daft the email and get dh to send it to his parents.

CaraAspen · 23/12/2016 18:00

If there has been an omission, the grandparents will want to know. They are your husband' parents, for heaven's sake, so surely they will want to know!

nancy75 · 23/12/2016 18:04

What weird families some of you must have. You should never expect a gift from your grandparents? I can't imagine any situation where my mum & dad would not give dd a birthday present.
They are ops husbands parents, why can't he just ring them and ask, it's not like he doesn't know them!

Trifleorbust · 23/12/2016 18:18

Of course it isn't weird to expect a gift. It's rude to demand one though.

nancy75 · 23/12/2016 18:19

Nobody said ring them and demand a gift! There is a big difference between asking why they didn't get the dd a gift & demanding one

Trifleorbust · 23/12/2016 18:22

Not that big a difference. It's rude to ask why someone hasn't bought a gift.

CaraAspen · 23/12/2016 18:25

"Trifleorbust

Of course it isn't weird to expect a gift. It's rude to demand one though."

Try seeing this from the child's POV. She has demanded nothing but she is clearly hurt.

CaraAspen · 23/12/2016 18:25

Agree nancy75.

nancy75 · 23/12/2016 18:26

Rude to ask your own mum or dad why tgey didn't their her grandchild a gift?
Of course it isn't.
If we were talking about an aunt/ cousin/ neighbour it would be different.

CaraAspen · 23/12/2016 18:27

If there has been an omission, the grandparents will want to know. They are your husband's parents, for heaven's sake, so surely they will want to put things right!

nancy75 · 23/12/2016 18:30

Easy simple conversation, hi mum/dad good to see you at the weekend, did you forget it was dds birthday, they say omg quick joke about it and everything's sorted. I don't understand tip toeing around close family as if they are strangers

buckeejit · 23/12/2016 18:36

For me there would be a resentment building if I didn't say anything & id be honest & get dh to say 'we didn't know whether to mention it or not but dd was feeling a little hurst. Naturally we told her she shouldn't expect anything but just thought you'd want to know'

Children would obviously find that confusing & unfair.

In a family that cares for each other I think it's important to try to be honest & open with family. And you'll find out what actually happened & can manage expectations for next year!

RB68 · 23/12/2016 18:51

Have a family get together in Jan and make a point its to celebrate DDs Birthday which got a bit overlooked at the Christmas do

CPtart · 23/12/2016 18:53

Mmmmm. PIL came for DS 1 birthday recently, we fed them and took them out, and they gave him a card and a small box of maltesers (usually monetary gift). He's 14. Now they're not old and infirm, plenty of money and I'm sure it was an oversight but I'm bloody furious. Due to my mum's sudden death recently they're the only GP he's got. I can guarantee my nephews' birthday gifts have never been overlooked. All part of a bigger picture of favouritism though so I may be biased.

BarbarianMum · 23/12/2016 19:20

I think it's fine to expect a gift from your grandparents if you know they give to your siblings/cousins. And also fine to be upset about being left out - birthdays are a big deal when you're little.

Original poster
MagpieMomma · 23/12/2016 19:34

Well, my dd has since said she hopes they don't remember, as she'd hate for them to feel bad. She is such a kind and gentle soul, and never ever says a bad thing about anyone. My DH is one of those people that hates any kind of confrontation, and doesn't want to say anything. I'm a Scorpio... and I never forget 😈. But so is my DD!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread