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Original poster

To think this is unbelievably tight for a wedding?

415 replies

StingyWedding · 22/12/2016 21:24

Recently attending a wedding of a friend. Amongst various other issues on the day I just felt it was a very poor and stingy wedding, at the reception they had a "hot chocolate bar" - they were charging for this (and tea, and coffee....)

Photo attached which they have proudly displayed on their Facebook.

Am I wrong to think of you invite people to a wedding you actually host and therefore provide for your guests? Not expecting a free bar but some table wine and soft drinks surely?

To think this is unbelievably tight for a wedding?
OP posts:
multivac · 22/12/2016 22:30

For all those saying this is a mean thread- no it isn't. This couple (we grew up together and are all in our forties) are well off and have a history of being tight

Dammit, you're right. That statement, along with your username, the easily identifiable photo from their Facebook feed, and a delightfully snide issue to 'various' undisclosed 'other issues on the day' certainly convinces me that this is not in any way a mean, self-absorbed and generally nasty thread... but in fact, in a way, a kind of beacon of hope for us all.

bananagreen · 22/12/2016 22:30

We didn't provide alcohol at our wedding as we are tetotal and didn't want a boozy wedding we provided 1soft drink and had tap water on tables, wish we had thought of this. Besides if people only wanted to come for free food and drink we didn't want them there at all.

squoosh · 22/12/2016 22:32

' The same cousin's little sister is getting married next summer and we've been told in no uncertain terms that we must attend.'

Be a grown up and politely turn the invitation down. It can be done. Pretty easily.

ssd · 22/12/2016 22:33

this is terribly stingy

I was invited to a christening once and told when and where, then told where the meal afterwards was to be held....with the words "lunch after is at xxx, which has lovely food at reasonable prices"....I thought this was incredibly stingy and mean, come to our christening, dress up, travel, buy a present and the buy your own lunch for your family....then go home. FFS!

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/12/2016 22:35

Very poor form. No one expects a free bar but as you have pointed out if you can't afford something don't have it. There should be a minimum of some soft drink/tea /coffee refreshments provided at even the most basic wedding otherwise why bother inviting people? Presumably so they will buy an expensive gift! There is no need to have a 'wedding' in order to get married, people used to have simple celebrations, tea and biscuits in the church hall or 'please join us in the pub for a drink' are both fine if you let people know what to expect in advance (so they don't expect to be fed) charging for fancy extras (or in this case basics) is not acceptable.

MiladyThesaurus · 22/12/2016 22:35

Candlestick: they definitely wanted the gifts. Unfortunately we know DH's aunt and her children. They are grabby nightmares with more than a touch of the hyancinth bucket for good measure.

I loathe DH's aunt because she went out of her way to make my 10 year old son feel unwelcome at a family Christmas gathering when DS2 was a baby. She got 4 month old DS2 a present but not DS1 (DH's stepson) and made sure to make a big fuss about giving the baby who didn't care a present in front of the boy who wasn't getting one. Then she made sure to set up family photographs excluding him, including one of 'the whole family' that was to include everyone there except DS1 and whoever was taking the photo. I remember standing there with my jaw on the floor and thankfully DH's nice uncle (not married to evil aunt) jumped in and grabbed DS1 and put him right in the front centre of the picture.

That's a bit of a tangent but really it's an illustration of my certainty that they actually did just want our money but not us.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 22/12/2016 22:40

I'm clearly extremely old fashioned but think you shouldn't invite people to celebrate your marriage if you are not going to give them something to eat and drink in return.

I don't think this thread is "mean" at all, op. So many over-sensitive souls on Mumsnet these days.

MiladyThesaurus · 22/12/2016 22:41

Squoosh: I did say I don't want to go. But the PILs really want us to go and DH doesn't want to upset them. Family politics and all that. I'd quite happily upset the evil aunt. In fact, is positively enjoy doing so.

I'm figuring that I can look on the bright side and live post on MN about the atrocious wedding. That way I can entertain people with the horror.

We'll be stingier with the gift this time: I'm thinking a kettle.

Candlestickchick · 22/12/2016 22:42

mildlythesaurus I thought the wedding story was bad but that treatment of your DS1 is even worse. What a bitch.

Take comfort in the fact that it clearly meant a lot to these narcissists to have a fancy wedding but actually they made massive dicks of themselves in front of all their guests.

My earlier comment was intended to be light hearted due to my own little bugbear about my own impending wedding, but actually I would skip the next one if I were you - or at least keep the figure in the cheque blank until you've seen how you get treated Grin

bibbitybobbityyhat · 22/12/2016 22:42

"Besides if people only wanted to come for free food and drink we didn't want them there at all."

Have you even grasped the concept of being a host?

MiladyThesaurus · 22/12/2016 22:46

Actually a think an Oxfam manure donation may be the perfect gift for the upcoming wedding. I will suggest it to DH.

multivac · 22/12/2016 22:51

I adore it when people make charity gifts as a revenge gesture; that is so exactly what they are for! What better way to punish grabby and entitled individuals than donating to a good cause! Hahaha!

Andylion · 22/12/2016 22:54

Milady, if your PiLs want you to go, maybe they should check with the hosts to ensure that there will be enough food this time around.

GabsAlot · 22/12/2016 22:56

how is charging for a cup of tea the same as a free bar

op hasnt stated anything about alcohol they just said theyre being charged for hot drinks

you gotta love the bottom line

help yourself!

bananagreen · 22/12/2016 22:57

bibbity have you even grasped the concept of a wedding being about celebrating a couples love and commitment to each other, not about free food and drink!

For the record we provided food for day guests (evening invites specified no food or drink provided) and we had games and music. A large number of guests remarked it was the best wedding they had been to despite no free drinks being supplied.

JigglyTuff · 22/12/2016 22:57

Of course you don't charge people for anything at a wedding. It's a peculiarly British thing to think it's anything other than massively rude.

No one would dream of inviting friends to a party and charging them so I never understand why a wedding is different. Cut your cloth and all that ...

multivac · 22/12/2016 22:59

gabs

I realise it's a bit of an ask to suggest you click on the full picture - but the bottom line is in fact 'help yourself to our range of toppings'.

And in case you need clarification, 'our' refers to the venue, not the wedding couple.

Yes, it's expensive; a rip off. But guess what - you book a wedding... you get 'ripped off'.

The same happens if you order a product as a school, rather than as an individual.

MiladyThesaurus · 22/12/2016 23:01

I think you should all admit it: you'd be bitterly disappointed if I went and there was enough food.

TBH, even if we're not starving, it'll still be awful in other ways that'll make for a wonderful tale in the years that follow.

(In any case, the politics of DH's family are complex and there is no way that FIL could ask his younger brother any such thing. If MIL had MN back in the day, they'd have 'gone NC' with him and his atrocious wife years ago.)

JigglyTuff · 22/12/2016 23:01

And all this 'go or don't go' crap - you don't know if you're going to have to pay until you get there. I don't generally take anything more than cash for a cab to weddings.

And while I can sort of see the arguments for a pay bar (though I think you should alert guests in advance), charging them for a cup of tea is beyond tight

seagaze · 22/12/2016 23:03

No it's not a mean thread, the couple who got married and charged £2.50 for a brew are mean.

GabsAlot · 22/12/2016 23:04

my mistake about the wording

i still think having canapes then saying pay for a hot drink is stingy

multivac · 22/12/2016 23:04

I don't generally take anything more than cash for a cab to weddings

Bless you. You're probably just dashing from one to another like in a big ol' Richard Curtis movie, aren't you?

BakeOffBiscuits · 22/12/2016 23:06

This will be in the Daily Hate by tomorrow.

Hope you're ready for your "friend" to see it OP.

underneaththeash · 22/12/2016 23:07

I think its the sign that's the issue.

I can't remember if we did have a free bar....it was only 10 years ago, we had champagne and then wine with the meal, but I suspect that we then had a paid bar. We're both Northern, but lived in London at the time.

I don't honestly ever remember being offended at being asked to pay for drinks (but I do remember being uncomfortably hungry a few times).

squoosh · 22/12/2016 23:08

'have you even grasped the concept of a wedding being about celebrating a couples love and commitment to each other, not about free food and drink!'

Likewise have you grasped the concept that a wedding is a social contract. People attend and rejoice over your love and commitment, and in return you feed and water them.

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