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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to dislike my 'pervy' husband?

183 replies

TeamAlphaFemale · 22/12/2016 20:16

Been with DH for 10 years, married for 4. Have DS 18 months. He's never been a particularly laddish type. I was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year - everything now fine but my confidence has taken a battering. This is all relevant information!

DH started hanging out with work colleagues when we had DS. Formed a sort of dad club type thing. Slowly over time he has turned more and more laddish - a quality I loathe - under the influence of these men.

Now I'm not being precious here - he's a grown man who can watch porn or stare at other women however much he wants. What I've taken exception to is that he often shares his lad comments with me - things like compliments to my sisters arse that his colleagues were talking about etc. He claims it's always just banter. But It's now escalated to the point where he (without me knowing) has taken pictures from FB of some female colleagues and shared him in his dad chat group asking them to rate these girls. Chat then ensued about how hot these women (none of them single btw) and there were various comments made about what they would like to do to these women. This is not ok as these women are his friends and his lack of respect to them disgusts me. (I checked his phone behind his back so can't confront him as he'll know I snooped.) he was also discussing my breasts and whether I should get a boob job but I'm not sure how far this discussion went as had to spring away from his phone as he came down the stairs!

So my question is: aibu to find his behaviour creepy and not ok, or is this just a thing men do? Should I be concerned that he has changed? AIBU to dislike this quality in him? What would you do in my shoes?

I am very insecure due to my post cancer appearance (not had masectomy but have other surgery scars on breast) so I don't want to be a dick about it if it's just my insecurities!!

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 24/12/2016 08:49

emilia I don't think berating his wife is the way to go.

She says he wasn't like this when they met/past few years. Just put yourself in her shoes. It must be a horrible shock and she has confronted him. Calling her discussion "piss weak" and gleefully suggesting he will keep on doing it and "hide it better" isn't helpful.

I haven't glossed over what he said- read my comments. But I haven't tried to make her feel like shit either.

ChasedByBees · 24/12/2016 08:55

I do think you went a little easy on him too OP. I can understand this was a difficult conversation to have though but he is behaving really far beyond acceptable.

Thinkingblonde · 24/12/2016 09:04

I have read the thread and think he needs to be made aware, now that he knows you know what he's been doing, that your sister and other colleagues could take this further if they so wished. It's gone beyond 'banter' and into the realms of gross misconduct, in fact called 'Sexual harassment in the workplace'and is a sackable offence, not banter. I'd also tell him you know about them discussing your breast cancer.

Beebeeeight · 24/12/2016 09:13

Sickening behaviour.

This is much worse than cheating to me.

EmiliaAirheart · 24/12/2016 09:21

Say what you like, scary, but I'm not alone here in pointing out that his behaviour is vile and warrants far more serious consequences that what the OP said.
If she wanted a softer landing and hand holding, then relationships would have been a better place for it.

CockacidalManiac · 24/12/2016 09:35

Emilia, you're being a dick.
You don't just give someone an automatic hammering just because it's AIBU. These are real people.

Namechangebitch · 24/12/2016 09:37

The OP is distressed and probably still shocked, she needs to be handled with care.

Her DH is a dick who deserves to loose his job and his marriage.

We are talking to the OP though, not her DH.

Happyinthehills · 24/12/2016 11:08

So Emilia by your logic; in AIBU when a poster is NOT being unreasonable they still get a kicking?
Surely if they are so confused that they have to ask in such a clear cut case they need our support and help?

Scarydinosaurs · 24/12/2016 12:58

emilia the OPs husband might be a dick, but you've obviously taken his lead in talking about her like she's an imbecile.

She's already said she isn't happy, life isn't a soap opera- sometimes you have to think about things and discuss them and find your own way. Not just walk out when you have children together and the history of a happy relationship.

But of course, this is AIBU, so go ahead- spout bolshy bullshit without considering the person's feelings who has posted.

haveacupoftea · 24/12/2016 14:56

teamalphafemale i think you handled the situation perfectly and with dignity.

emilia no need to be an arsehole to someone who is already hurting.

SantaPleaseBringMeEwanMcGregor · 25/12/2016 03:10

Or should it just be a 'you're a perv and its gross' kind of chat?

You could frame it around the heart of the matterthe influence his work friends have on him. It's turned him into someone other than the man you married, and this new man is someone you're having trouble likingor trusting.

LouisvilleLlama · 25/12/2016 03:38

YANBU

myoriginal3 · 25/12/2016 03:43

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

BorrowedHearts · 06/01/2017 01:37

Isn't it the same as a woman asking advice about they're partners? The pictures thing is weird but if my partner went through something like cancer and had a part of him needed surgery or removed I'd talk about it with my mate, maybe he meant to ask for his mates opinions on wether you should get a boob job because you had mentioned it and he didn't want to say anything to hurt you. I think you need to sit down and talk about it and give him a chance to explain then make your decision.

Klaphat · 06/01/2017 04:30

Isn't it the same as a woman asking advice about they're partners? The pictures thing is weird but if my partner went through something like cancer and had a part of him needed surgery or removed I'd talk about it with my mate

Christ. No, I wouldn't ask my mates if they thought DH could do with stuffing socks down his pants because he had a testicle removed (for example). Because women don't generally feel that repulsive kind of entitlement to judge men's bodies. Or see men as their bodies first and foremost.

dollydaydream114 · 06/01/2017 09:56

Isn't it the same as a woman asking advice about they're partners? The pictures thing is weird but if my partner went through something like cancer and had a part of him needed surgery or removed I'd talk about it with my mate, maybe he meant to ask for his mates opinions on wether you should get a boob job because you had mentioned it and he didn't want to say anything to hurt you.

If my partner was getting a prosthetic testicle put in after cancer, or was considering a circumcision, I absolutely wouldn't in a million years ask my friends' opinions on whether he should get that done.

Also, consider the context. If someone was genuinely worried about their partner having reconstructive surgery after breast cancer and really felt they needed a perspective on it, they'd go for a quiet pint with a trusted mate and say "Look, I'm really worried about my wife. She can't decide whether to have surgery and it's affecting her confidence. I don't know what to say to her in case I somehow upset her." They wouldn't say 'So, lads from work, should my wife get a boob job?' in the same WhatsApp group that's usually devoted to 'rating' women's bodies ... including the body of his wife's own sister.

So no, it's not remotely the same and you're being really naïve if you think it is. I wouldn't be upset if my partner had had a private chat with a friend to confess that he was worried about something. I would be upset if I found out that my partner had a) been 'rating' female colleagues' bodies in a WhatsApp group and b) asking a bunch of blokes in a public forum what they thought I should do about my tits.

SpangledShambles · 07/01/2017 08:44

You've summed it up perfectly dolly. Well said.

Bitlost · 07/01/2017 09:18

Tally out of order. He's going to get himself sacked.

Bitlost · 07/01/2017 09:18

Totally not tally...

ZouBisou · 07/01/2017 09:37

That really is a gross thing to do.

You need to talk to him. He'll probably try to make out you're some kind of jealous, prudish nag so be ready for that. There's a huge difference beyween making the odd comment about an attractive celebrity on TV or glancing at an attractive woman on the street and what he is now doing. He needs to realise that his behaviour has crossed into creepy, sexually harassing perv territory.

allsgood · 21/02/2022 11:40

Looking at porn is one thing but sharing pictures of actual women he knows, and objectifying them is fucking creepy....I would keep an eye on him and hope none of this turns physical with a female work colleague

WutheringHeights66 · 21/02/2022 11:51

@allsgood

Looking at porn is one thing but sharing pictures of actual women he knows, and objectifying them is fucking creepy....I would keep an eye on him and hope none of this turns physical with a female work colleague
This thread is four years old
WutheringHeights66 · 21/02/2022 11:51

Ooops even five!

Chocaholic9 · 21/02/2022 11:52

This is beyond the pale. I would feel so betrayed. I would venture to say that you don't know your husband as well as you thought.

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 12:04

He could get sacked for posting pictures of female colleagues on Whatsapp and rating their bodies /sex appeal.

He knows it's not harmless, OP, and you are making excuses for him.

I hope the perve and his colleagues are reported and they're all sacked.

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