AIBU to dislike my 'pervy' husband?

[TeamAlphaFemale]

Been with DH for 10 years, married for 4. Have DS 18 months. He's never been a particularly laddish type. I was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year - everything now fine but my confidence has taken a battering. This is all relevant information!

DH started hanging out with work colleagues when we had DS. Formed a sort of dad club type thing. Slowly over time he has turned more and more laddish - a quality I loathe - under the influence of these men.

Now I'm not being precious here - he's a grown man who can watch porn or stare at other women however much he wants. What I've taken exception to is that he often shares his lad comments with me - things like compliments to my sisters arse that his colleagues were talking about etc. He claims it's always just banter. But It's now escalated to the point where he (without me knowing) has taken pictures from FB of some female colleagues and shared him in his dad chat group asking them to rate these girls. Chat then ensued about how hot these women (none of them single btw) and there were various comments made about what they would like to do to these women. This is not ok as these women are his friends and his lack of respect to them disgusts me. (I checked his phone behind his back so can't confront him as he'll know I snooped.) he was also discussing my breasts and whether I should get a boob job but I'm not sure how far this discussion went as had to spring away from his phone as he came down the stairs!

So my question is: aibu to find his behaviour creepy and not ok, or is this just a thing men do? Should I be concerned that he has changed? AIBU to dislike this quality in him? What would you do in my shoes?

I am very insecure due to my post cancer appearance (not had masectomy but have other surgery scars on breast) so I don't want to be a dick about it if it's just my insecurities!!

Moocowface How can you stand to be around your husband?

Thank you donquixotedelamancha for restoring my faith in your sex. If all men were like that, I would become a lesbian on the principle of the thing.

His priorities are wrong, end of.

Ugh, that's truly disgusting.

I have no practical advice, OP, but I'm so sorry that you learned this.

I couldn't not say something. That I know.

OP, I think you need to consider if this really IS new behaviour, or if it is just coming out now because:
1] he has an outlet (the dad's club)
2] he thinks you won't find out

Where as before, it could have been more office based "banter" so therefore, no "evidence" left behind, if you like. I think it is really odd that anyone just starts doing this, to be honest. Sounds more like it has been low level up until now, or hidden away!

If he didn't think like this before the cancer dx, I really think that the dx wouldn't have bought these comments about. I mean, I can see the dx making them more frequent, but suddenly causing them!! A man who hasn't felt entitled to discuss your breasts for 10yrs isn't suddenly going to start doing so, imo. Things like this certainly do affect partners, but I don't see it turning them into sexist pigs!

He needs to be careful, his office may have a social media policy and this is something that is likely to be in it. In ours, it is against policy to use social media of any kind (inc email) to bully, harass or even discuss (in an unfavourable light) colleagues. More so if you name names, or identify them in any way (which your dh is most certainly doing)

He is sexually harassing women he works with, discussing you in a sexual nature, what happens when he takes that one step further??

This is really grim OP, I'm so sorry. How can he be discussing his wife's breasts on a chat. Most men would be super protective given what you've gone through. As other posters have unanimously said, he's really crossed a line re- posting / rating pictures of his work colleagues. He is either very naive or incredibly stupid.
This is really not normal behaviour. If my teenage son behaved like this I would be totally appalled.
It worries me that you said he's likely to get defensive when you challenge him. He can't defend this. Does he have any integrity at all? I would threaten him with letting his work know - and the other women and their husbands.
Again I'm really sorry for your position. What a stupid man.

OMG, he sounds childish, selfish and a total and utter twat.

What a horrible thing to do and what a disgusting attitude he has to women. I bet this is the tip of the iceberg. Utterly vile, those poor women.

Omg YADNBU! Some of my very good friends are a bit 'lads lads lads' but i couldn't even imagine them doing that!

Horrible, pervy & pathetic.

Don't let him wriggle out with the 'I've been stressed' card

This is the sort of crap you might expect from a teenage lad. Although in fairness most teenage lads may have more respect for women than this.

Sounds like a vile man. Confront him even if it comes out you checked his phone his needs to be addressed otherwise it will eat you up inside!

Thank you gingerbreath, he is really deep down a nice person.

Sorry OP, but nice people don't sleazily objectify their colleagues, or discuss their wife's breasts with other misogynists.

Moocowface How can you stand to be around your husband?

I couldn't. I kicked him out and he had counselling to address his attitude. He's back now but other issues are surfacing

Are you still there, OP?

I know some of these strong views are hard to hear, but it worries me that you even need to ask whether you are right to feel the way you do.

It is as disgusting as other posters say it is.

What do you want to do about it?

If you need a hand hold when you've spoken to him, do some back. Don't be put off by people telling you to leave him. They are just outraged on your behalf and completely on your side.

Yea sorry still here!
Ended up having a chat with him this evening in a very casual manner. I approached it very light hearted and didn't mention what I'd seen on his phone but rather said that my sister had heard some of his colleagues were taking about her... he instantly confessed to everything I'd read in that conversation and I followed it with a chat about how when it's women he knows it's very disrespectful and o would hate for DS to think it's ok to treat women like that. He maintained that it's all just office banter (my sister works with him) and that the others are worse and that all men do it - to which I was able to tell him that that's not the case at all (thanks everyone!). I've left it that he knows it's wrong to say things and that I need him to respect me - I told him that I don't care what he says but it's him that'll have to live with it if he's doing something which he knows is wrong. He looked very guilty and I'm certain he'll take it on board. I'll re check his phone when I get a chance to and if he's continued then I'll have a less light hearted chat with some consequences laid out for him.

The reason I asked whether I was bu was because I didht want a snap decision on my part to wreck something (such as if I had been being unreasonable and confronted him guns blazing) - not something I feel I can discuss with anyone I know but really needed to have a sounding board. Much appreciate all the comments and opinions and feel very much like it's made me a lot more assertive with him.

I really hope he has an epiphanic conversion BACK to the man he was.

Did he confess to discussing your breasts/boob job?

Epiphanic is an excellent word.

That is totally disrespectful of all the women concerned. Your gut feeling that it is creepy is right. This is awful behaviour and i would be horrified if it was my husband.

OP I've been in an almost identical position.

My (now) husband found an 'ex army' Facebook page (he's ex army) and he suddenly went all army obsessed. Bearing in mind his mid 40's and he left the army aged 23 after 3 years and in the decade I knew him barely mentioned it once.

He also became hideously racist and made disgusting remarks about women and anyone different from him. It fucking disgusted me and totally stemmed from these fucking tools he was constantly talking to on Facebook.

I tried talking to him so many times and his answer was always the same "Since when did yo become so 'PC'?" after I'd get mad over a racist remark.

He was working with these idiots a lot and something must have happened because all of a sudden he stopped the work with the them and basically deleted Facebook. They were a bunch of bastards from what I could gather and eventually he fell victim to it in the end.

He has low self esteem and tends to be a bit of a chameleon with people trying to 'fit in' for example he never mentioned football to me once except to say he isn't in to it but then started working with a guy who was footy obsessed, then after a while he loved football too and who's team did he support? Yup you guessed it, his new best friends team.

I'd never of married him had he carried on that short lived racist bullshit.

I swear I'm the only person that see's his real side. When we got and visit family he totally changes into this imbecile that tries to make everyone laugh but it's awful.

Thing is, the real him is kind, lovely, funny and beautiful inside and out. Why he changes himself to meet others is beyond me.

Approach him about it though and he gets very very defensive.

he sounds utterly awful OP I'm so sorry you have had to put up with this behaviour. The way that he is trying to 'normalise' his behaviour so that you accept it is despicable to say the least.

Others have used creepy to describe it and yes I think they ANBU to use this

I think you've been too light on him OP. I'd have to tell him I had seen his phone and found his comments hugely disrespectful and that it made you see him in a different light. He has been a huge twat and office banter is the biggest pile of shit ever.

What a horrible thing to have to deal with OP. I read your updates so it's good that he has admitted and acknowledged that it's wrong but even so I would have lost so much respect for my DH if I was in your shoes. I wouldn't let him get away with minimizing it either. It would seriously change how I viewed my DH and very likely damage our sex life as I couldn't be intimate with a man who views every woman he comes into contact with as a piece of meat for him and mates to rate sexually.

You've totally rolled over and that's was a piss weak discussion. Does sound like he's showing any meaningful remorse - I bet he'll just get better at hiding it from you.

emilia that's just nasty and not what the OP needs- have some compassion.

I think thats a good way of approaching it OP.

If it does turn out that he doesn't stop with his horrible comments tho, I would let on that you know about the comments made about your boobs.

Even if it's 'accidentally' having a loud phone conversation in front of him about how upset you are that people have heard this is something you are considering etc etc. Once he sees real life repercussions for his actions it might help put things into focus!

Scarydinosaurs, he's sexually harassing women. I don't think glossing over that helps anyone.