AIBU to dislike my 'pervy' husband?

[TeamAlphaFemale]

Been with DH for 10 years, married for 4. Have DS 18 months. He's never been a particularly laddish type. I was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year - everything now fine but my confidence has taken a battering. This is all relevant information!

DH started hanging out with work colleagues when we had DS. Formed a sort of dad club type thing. Slowly over time he has turned more and more laddish - a quality I loathe - under the influence of these men.

Now I'm not being precious here - he's a grown man who can watch porn or stare at other women however much he wants. What I've taken exception to is that he often shares his lad comments with me - things like compliments to my sisters arse that his colleagues were talking about etc. He claims it's always just banter. But It's now escalated to the point where he (without me knowing) has taken pictures from FB of some female colleagues and shared him in his dad chat group asking them to rate these girls. Chat then ensued about how hot these women (none of them single btw) and there were various comments made about what they would like to do to these women. This is not ok as these women are his friends and his lack of respect to them disgusts me. (I checked his phone behind his back so can't confront him as he'll know I snooped.) he was also discussing my breasts and whether I should get a boob job but I'm not sure how far this discussion went as had to spring away from his phone as he came down the stairs!

So my question is: aibu to find his behaviour creepy and not ok, or is this just a thing men do? Should I be concerned that he has changed? AIBU to dislike this quality in him? What would you do in my shoes?

I am very insecure due to my post cancer appearance (not had masectomy but have other surgery scars on breast) so I don't want to be a dick about it if it's just my insecurities!!

It's horrible behaviour. It's offensive to all women that he treats some with such little respect. I wonder if his female colleague are aware. I would feel compelled to tell them, I think. I would also tell my sister. I would explain to,him I was going to do this and why and give him the opportunity to tell them himself first and to apologise.
I could not be with a man that behaved in this nasty way.
Your breasts will be much nicer and much less scarred than you imagine. I speak from experience. That he felt it in any way acceptable to discuss them with others is beyond appalling. It is objectification of you and not an act of love. I wouldn't worry about the boob job -it will give more scars not less. It would also make follow up mammography harder to read.

If I were one of the women being discussed, I would want you to anonymously contact his work and tell them.

Ugh. He might still be a nice man under all all the bullshit, but at the moment you are married to a very unpleasant man.

I hope you have a very healthy and confidence-blossoming 2017.

That's awful.

I don't think being 'a lad' is bad. But you can be a nice one or a total arse.

Your H is being an arse. Talking about you needing a boob job or your sisters's body?!

Make him pay for the boobjob (if you do indeed want one) and then leave him!!

Wtf!! I mean my DH is a bit 'laddish' (I.e makes he odd comment about Kirsty allsop or the mum in topsy&tim) but NO WAY would he ever do the things your husband has. It's horrible and weird. It is NOT normal for adult men to have a weird pervy chat group and I honestly couldn't still be with him, sorry.

Your husband and his friends are douchebags. :(

Op it's not because you don't have a good sex life, do not blame yourself. It's because he's a disgusting sexist pig.

This sort of comment really doesn't help the OP! She has already said this behaviour is out of character so there must be a reason for it. There could be any number of reasons why he is acting like this.

I would sit him down and tell him how much his recent behaviour has upset you, point out the comments etc and be very specific about it. Give him a chance to explain his behaviour and go from there. I probably wouldn't jump in with admitting you checked his phone, I'd wait and see if he said anything first.

Yuck how horrible

He doesn't respect you, or himself by the sounds if it

Errr, no he's disgusting.
tell him to grow up and act like a responsible adult, is he trying to relive his youth. I mean you just don't do this, especially in a group.

Santa: Don't get me wrong I'm not a womens libber Are you actually serious?

FFS, I despair.

He is disrespecting you and his colleagues. Call him out and get rid.

Really feel for you OP. Do not blame yourself though. His behaviour is, at best, massively immature. He could lose his job by doing this with photos of female colleagues. He doesn't seem to realise how serious this is so I think you will have to tell him.

What a vile, tragic pig he sounds. LTB.

That is not a conversation I would want to have with your DH, actually, there'd be very little conversation such a total lack of respect for women let alone the disrespect to my sister and myself would be an absolute deal breaker. I could never trust him again and I'd be sick with worry he might have even shared pics of me with this creepy group. My DH once had a boss who went around showing all the guys at the company pics of his wife's boob job. DH couldn't get his head around anyone doing that especially knowing those same people would be bound to meet the wife on her visits to the office and at social gatherings. Hope to goodness she never found out, how humiliating.

He may not have instigated the chat about your DS, but in my opinion, if you say nothing to defend the person being discussed, you are just as bad as the instigators.

What a fucking creep. People like him make my skin crawl. The comments on your breasts are absolutely abhorrent and totally disrespectful and I could not hold my tongue about it. for you, you deserve a million times better.

*DSis

There's a possibility that your husband is doing it out of peer pressure.

Still absolutely disgusting though.

I'm at a loss for words! OP, his behaviour is beyond despicable. He needs a serious reality check! I hope you find a way to confront him?

Maybe someone posted you an anonymous letter expressing their concern? Obviously, said letter doesn't exist but it would make him question the source? It might make him think twice about sharing such details and having a degrading score system. It would allow you to confront him without him knowing you went through his phone.

Yes, it's devious...and two wrongs don't make a right. OP shouldn't of had to play detective in her own marriage. Her husband shouldn't be acting like a twat!

This is so not a thing men do.
Some men yes, but not all, probably not even most so DONT let him tell you it's normal. None of the men in my family, or the partners of y friends would ever dream of behaving like this.
Not sure what is you best course of action really. If you felt financially secure without him I'd report him to his workplace and start divorce proceedings. He's not good enough for you, and not fit to be a father to your DS.

Even with your update you are still NBU. I hate laddish behaviour like that, such a big turn off.

If it was me I would go for the "the way you talk about me and other women is gross, it makes you seem gross too" tact. I don't think I'd hold back either, it would really make my blood boil

Absolutely not ok, and apart from anything else I have a decided disgust for men who actually prefer fake boobs

Just had a quick chat with my teenage sons. They are appalled by this behaviour and would not dream of behaving this way.

Peer pressure is NO excuse.

And I'll say it again, if it is found out by his employer is, at the very least, a disciplinary matter.

I'm sorry to hear this OP

I read my DH's whatsapp group chat with his colleagues from work. It was vile. A particular colleague had taken photos from his teenage nieces' social media and was passing them around on their group chat, inviting everyone to check out the size of her tits.

Yuck, what a cock.

Oh and to add, just because you are thinking about a boob job, it does not give him the right to discuss it with his group of cretins like he is getting some potential new toys to play with. I am actually furious on your behalf. They are no doubt the bunch of dirty old letches in the corner of the pub getting all dribbly and over excited about the barmaid and imagining they are gods bloody gift to women kind. Gross.