AIBU to dislike my 'pervy' husband?

[TeamAlphaFemale]

Been with DH for 10 years, married for 4. Have DS 18 months. He's never been a particularly laddish type. I was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year - everything now fine but my confidence has taken a battering. This is all relevant information!

DH started hanging out with work colleagues when we had DS. Formed a sort of dad club type thing. Slowly over time he has turned more and more laddish - a quality I loathe - under the influence of these men.

Now I'm not being precious here - he's a grown man who can watch porn or stare at other women however much he wants. What I've taken exception to is that he often shares his lad comments with me - things like compliments to my sisters arse that his colleagues were talking about etc. He claims it's always just banter. But It's now escalated to the point where he (without me knowing) has taken pictures from FB of some female colleagues and shared him in his dad chat group asking them to rate these girls. Chat then ensued about how hot these women (none of them single btw) and there were various comments made about what they would like to do to these women. This is not ok as these women are his friends and his lack of respect to them disgusts me. (I checked his phone behind his back so can't confront him as he'll know I snooped.) he was also discussing my breasts and whether I should get a boob job but I'm not sure how far this discussion went as had to spring away from his phone as he came down the stairs!

So my question is: aibu to find his behaviour creepy and not ok, or is this just a thing men do? Should I be concerned that he has changed? AIBU to dislike this quality in him? What would you do in my shoes?

I am very insecure due to my post cancer appearance (not had masectomy but have other surgery scars on breast) so I don't want to be a dick about it if it's just my insecurities!!

He is sexually harassing colleagues and cyber-bullying. At the very least he should be disciplined for this.

As for discussing whether you should have a boob job in a chat with his equally moronic buddies?

Sorry, OP. He's not a nice man. He's a pervy sexist entitled twat. You should show him the door.

If one of my employees was found out to be sharing pictures of their female colleagues to a bunch of pervs for them to grade against some disgusting arbitrary measure of their attractiveness their feet would not touch the floor as I bounced them in to my office for a serious discussion about their misconduct....and I say this as someone who manages with a famously light touch. There is not an HR policy in the country which could not be interpreted to find this behaviour unacceptable. Completely objectionable behaviour: not just from your POV as his wife but as an employer too. It needs to stop now or he's going to risk his job.

sorry but its crap about how he dealing with your diagnosis

people dont just become pervs it not bloody excuse its degrading and disgusting

prob wont help matters but i hope he gets sacked

Disgusting behaviour, yanbu, you have every right to feel upset, they are breaking the law and its just creepy, it's beyond pervy. Most blokes like looking at women.

To steal their pics and reel off what they want to do sexually, as the group norm, is worrying as where does that evolve to and what's the next level/step.

Maybe it's schoolboy man Talk gone to far, in a new age of communication but aspects are illegal & equally weird.

I'd have a talk, make your boundaries clear, & hopefully it will stop.

Eugh.

Really grim behaviour.

Regardless of all the other stuff I cannot believe he is discussing your breasts with his mates given what you've just been through.

Poor you. I'd be shell shocked. And livid.

He sounds vile. LTB.

Op I feel awful for you.

I think the divorce comments are a bit extreme but I absolutely would raise it with him. Whether you found it by snooping or not is irrelevant. His behaviour gave you serious cause for concern.

However, if he maintains his comments were normal banter etc, I don't know what I would do. It's not acceptable and I would seriously consider some form of counselling for you both as this cannot continue.

Best wishes for the future

He's in the wrong. Women are human beings not products to be rated on social media.

Sounds to me like he's happy and excited to have found a group of fellas he's gets on with at a similar stage in life as him and, for want of a better term, has got carried away. I'm not excusing him btw- screenshots of people you work with aren't cool. We have a work whatsapp chat and, as someone who has more than a touch of the aul social anxiety, people laughing at my (crap) jokes and genuinely engaging with me has a heady appeal. For some people that can make them do or say things they'd normally be like, "nah, not sure about that....". It's like the adult equivalent of setting the toilets on fire at school because someone laughed at you lighting a bit of bog roll and it escalated. But he's an adult and he needs to remember where the line is.

The boob job thing must have been hard to read, and I'm sure part of you is glad you didn't go on to see what the group's reaction was. Is he a talker generally? If he's been bottling things up and has struggled or been thinking about his sexual attraction towards you or how further surgery could impact you as a couple, then he might have been looking for (any) outlet or opportunity to discuss it. Nonetheless, even if that was the case, the manner in which he did so was so clumsy, hamfisted and insensitive that I think you need broach it with him. It's one thing talking about something like privately with one or two close friends, another thing entirely doing in a group chat on whatsapp! Any chat he gives you about not respecting his privacy by looking through his phone, you can throw right back at him- he didn't think of yours when he brought up your boobs in that forum, did he?!

To speak up for blokes: we don't behave like this. In my youth I've had male friends so sleazy I cut them off when I grew up a bit, and I have never experienced anything as bad as what you describe.

I don't think you should just leave (that seems to be some people's advice for every problem). But I wouldn't be putting up with this for long of he wasn't willing to change- that means concrete action like counselling and NC with this group, not just promises.

He's a disrespectful, disgusting douchebag. I'd have to confront him. But you know you'll get the usual Shit they come out with, it's only banter, that's the way men carry on. Well sorry but I've never been in any group of women that talk about men's backsides and cocks, and rate them, or tell each other what we'd like to do to them, but I've heard this from plenty of men, so it must be a thing they do. (Some men, before I'm jumped on. Not all).

It's just the thought of a man taking the time to go on Facebook sites, snag pics of his female colleagues then send the pics to his mates for then to rate sexually.

I work for a large corporation and if any man was caught doing this he would probably lose his job , it would be a major disciplinary hearing. And if I thought for one moment any male colleague had taken a copy of my picture and asked his mates to rate me, I'd kick off and formally complain.

This is so not ok behaviour. I also can't imagine any man I know well and am friends with doing this type of thing. To say it's not who he is and he has been led astray is minimising it and trying to absolve him of responsibility, because it's exactly who he is. he is that guy. Banter is one thing this is something else, and I certainly couldn't sit calmly if I ever found out my husband had done anything this awful.

I wouldn't expect a single bloke to do things like that on the internet let alone a married one! Taking pictures of people he knows in RL and posting and discussing them with other group memebers goes well beyond Pervy!

I feel angry on your behalf op, I can't abide 'lad banter' behaviour. This is shocking behaviour from what is supposed to be a grown man. I would not be able to look at my dp if he did this, I would seriously consider leaving him and one day it would be up to him to explain to his 2 dds why mummy and daddy broke up.

Him discussing your breasts with his mates is beyond disgusting, it is not his place to talk about your potential plans for your body in that way with anyone. That along with the screen shotting his female colleagues in order to 'rate' them with his creepy little mates doesn't paint him in a good light at all.

Peer pressure or not he needs to take responsibility for his actions and apologize profusely for the complete lack of respect he has shown you (and women in general) at a time when he really should be doing what he can to boost your confidence and help you feel secure In yourself.

Leaving aside the total amorality of asking his mates to judge your breasts (his wife, the mother of his child and a breast cancer survivor) - a LTB offence on its own....

If you've found these chats, any of the girlfriends / wives of his mates might find them too. They may not care about your DH keeping his job. He is a stupid stupid man.

Is this for real?? Are there really grown men out there who are this horribly unpleasant, sexist and immature?

He sounds absolutely appalling op.

Yanbu.
Dad chat group rating women? They're all a bunch of knob heads.
As for the breast cancer comments. Sorry why are you still with him?

This is fucking horrible behaviour. Definitely not a "man" thing. It's a maximus twaticus thing.
I'm sorry for your breast cancer, it's absolutely fantastic that you are ok now.

I honestly think my love for my dh would curdle at the thingsa you've mentioned. He is not just a perve he's a creepy predator.

Good luck with that fight. He sounds like a born again 14 year old (and many 14 year olds are a hell of a lot more respectful than that.)

Seriously. On what planet would you think you had to ask whether YABU or not?

He sounds like a complete tool.

Fess up and confront him. That behaviour is out of order on every level he is acting like a teenager. You are not being unreasonable at all. I was surprised you used the word pervy In your op however after reading this I totally agree ewww

This is horrible for you. I wouldn't say that it's 'normal and it's also rather adolescent. If he should display this behaviour in front of you then you should pull him up on it.

However you may have to seethe about this in private as you don't want to admit to snooping. This can't be good for either of you in long run. You can't 'unsee' those images and pictures/comments. These friends are a bad influence.

Fucking prick. Get hold of his phone and get screenshots of his creepy horrible comments, then read them out in front of him. He needs shocked into realising what a total bastard he has been.

I was about to write that if you confront him, be prepared for him to use your cancer as an excuse for his 'out of character' behaviour. But then that came up with you and gingerbreath and I felt so sad. Please don't prepare his ground for him. There's no excuse. YOU had the cancer. You had the baby. And now you have the revolting perv in the house. I'm so sorry but there is no excuse for these dreadful acts.