AIBU to dislike my 'pervy' husband?

[TeamAlphaFemale]

Been with DH for 10 years, married for 4. Have DS 18 months. He's never been a particularly laddish type. I was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year - everything now fine but my confidence has taken a battering. This is all relevant information!

DH started hanging out with work colleagues when we had DS. Formed a sort of dad club type thing. Slowly over time he has turned more and more laddish - a quality I loathe - under the influence of these men.

Now I'm not being precious here - he's a grown man who can watch porn or stare at other women however much he wants. What I've taken exception to is that he often shares his lad comments with me - things like compliments to my sisters arse that his colleagues were talking about etc. He claims it's always just banter. But It's now escalated to the point where he (without me knowing) has taken pictures from FB of some female colleagues and shared him in his dad chat group asking them to rate these girls. Chat then ensued about how hot these women (none of them single btw) and there were various comments made about what they would like to do to these women. This is not ok as these women are his friends and his lack of respect to them disgusts me. (I checked his phone behind his back so can't confront him as he'll know I snooped.) he was also discussing my breasts and whether I should get a boob job but I'm not sure how far this discussion went as had to spring away from his phone as he came down the stairs!

So my question is: aibu to find his behaviour creepy and not ok, or is this just a thing men do? Should I be concerned that he has changed? AIBU to dislike this quality in him? What would you do in my shoes?

I am very insecure due to my post cancer appearance (not had masectomy but have other surgery scars on breast) so I don't want to be a dick about it if it's just my insecurities!!

That's absolutely awful! It's also illegal

Is it? What law has been broken?

The behaviour he is displaying is horrendously sexist and massively disrespectful.

Since this behaviour is new (comparatively) then you need to address the causes with him. That lad dad group membership for a start. It will be like a group think thing where each comment prompts someone else to go a little further. I suspect all of the partners of all the lad dads would be equally as appalled as you. Can you challenge him to look at his comments in isolation. Ask him to think what the other men now know and think about you. You as his wife. You as a person. He has betrayed a lot of trust. Ask him if he would be happy with similar intimate discussions with a group of your friends - like cock size, or performance on a scale of 1-to-adequate?

The porn thing (if a long term behaviour) does change how a man can think about women - basically greater objectification. He needs to dial that back to think of women as people if that is where he has got to.

The cancer - did he tell you how he really thought about that. What were his fears etc. Has this helped change him (in a negative way) as there is overlap between that and the change in behaviour. Challenge him on that as well. Does he realise how much he has changed. What does he think has caused it.

If things were ok before, try to get back there with him changing his behaviours. Your problems will arise really if he doesn't see all this as a real thing to change.

This is total inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour imho. Some men are like that of course, but would you have got involved with him, married him and had a baby if he was like this from the beginning? I suspect not. I would be telling him I'm not happy with what he is becoming and see his response, he doesn't have to like it but he has to respect it x

This sort of comment really doesn't help the OP! She has already said this behaviour is out of character so there must be a reason for it. There could be any number of reasons why he is acting like this.

Yeah, there could be any number of reasons, but zero of those reasons involve him being a decent guy.
No decent person would do such a thing. Except perhaps someone was holding a gun to his head, which I am pretty sure is not the case.

Whether he has any psychological issues (aside from just being an asshole, I mean), is not important, he clearly is not a good person to be in a relationship with, and since this kind of behaviour has developed while he is already an adult, I do not see a chance that he might get better in any reasonable amount of time.

Divorce is the way to go, really, if it is in any way doable.

The fact that he is a horribly bad role model to their son should also be considered.

I don't have a good enough expletive for this!

I am so sorry that your DH has turned into such a piece of sleazy, woman-hating shit.

What do you think he would say if you confronted him with it?

How - in the name of all that is holy - would he justify that?!

It isn't 'banter' it is absolutely disrespectful and beyond awful.

Sending

What a complete and utter tow rag !

Heh start mentioning the size of his dick to your FB (no make it public) with the suggestion he has penis implant and then leave said page open in the hope the dickhead sees it.

What a lovely role model he is for your son !!

He's a twat on the first point alone (the female colleague bit) but the discussion around YOUR boobs is nothing short of fucking disgusting.

I have only ever used this utterly disgusting word, which makes my skin crawl to the point of scrubbing raw, to describe two people but your DH gets my third iteration; He's a cunt.

Yanbu he sounds like a class A shit! And I would leave his arse tbh. I don't know if u have any DC but I don't think he would quite see it the same way if a group of disgusting pervy men were sharing/commenting on a pic of a DD of his! Vile behaviour

Thank you to everyone who has responded- I didn't expect so many people to justify my thoughts towards him. Mumsnet has improved my evening ten fold - thank you so much ladies

I don't want to LTB, but I certainly won't be putting up with this behaviour now I know not to!
I will steel my nerves and speak to my husband, tell him I saw a notification on his phone screen or something. Agree with posters who said that it's probably been triggered by the cancer diagnosis - we both dealt with things very differently and although our relationship survived it has taken a battering. This is the only thing that I can't learn to live wiTh though.
I'll need to be calm and think of everything I want to say - can see him becoming very defensive. But thank you to everyone for giving me the confidence to do so. Really taken aback by the unanimous 'he's a dick' response!

This sort of comment really doesn't help the OP! She has already said this behaviour is out of character so there must be a reason for it. There could be any number of reasons why he is acting like this.

Yes, the reason is he's a disgusting, sexist pig. Not because they don't have a good sex life which was what poor op was thinking might be the reason.

YA definitely NBU, his behaviour is thoroughly disrespectful.

Yep can only agree with all the PP.
Yes your DH is just disgusting. His comments about your own breasts after surgery are buying the pale. He might well know that you were considering surgery. But surely then he also knows how this has affected your self confidence and that this is the reason why you are considering surgery? Being talked about, behind your back, like if you were a piece a meat isn't going to help that.

So yes he probably has been taken by the other men behaviour and have started to normalise it.
What is is that he didn't t realise in the first place how out of place their comments were. And then took some distance from them.

Not sure how you can broach it with him wo it becoming a full on argument. But you will need to have a chat. A very serious chat.

this is NOT what you wanted to discover on those circumstances. :(

Divorce is the way to go, really, if it is in any way doable.

Spoken by someone who isn't emotionally invested in this.

OP you know your husband (even with this recent behaviour) and we don't. You'll know if there were signs he was a sexist twat before this that you maybe chose to ignore or if this is totally out of character. I'm not condoning his behaviour, it's disgusting and disrespectful, but you'll know in your heart (and we don't) what kind of person he really is. And if this is completely new behaviour then he at least deserves a chance to explain himself before you call in the lawyers.

Oh and OP hope thinks get better health wise for you x

But It's now escalated to the point where he (without me knowing) has taken pictures from FB of some female colleagues and shared him in his dad chat group asking them to rate these girls. Chat then ensued about how hot these women (none of them single btw) and there were various comments made about what they would like to do to these women.

Apart from the awful perviness of this, he could be in serious trouble at work if this came out.

The entire Harvard men's soccer team was cancelled this year (huge thing in college sports) because it came out that the team were doing something similar with the female soccer team- huge scandal and these were 18 year old students.

His behaviour is not normal.

I wouldn't advocate snooping in normal circumstances - but in your situation I would have definitely snooped. I would then tell him I have read his horrible chats and confront him with it the contents.
You snooped because of his behaviour and the comments he was making to you (regarding your sister).

I'm sorry you are going through this, you have been through enough and you need support from your partner not sleaze x

Thank you gingerbreath, he is really deep down a nice person. Yes he's annoying and thoughtless but he does love me and DS. I think he thinks it's harmless. I just needed clarification on whether he was right or whether I was. Like I said previously, I'm not about to divorce him. But I might very well be about to start an enormous fight with him!!

I'm very tolerant of most things like porn or lap dancing bars etc and wouldn't really give a shit, but I'd have to say I'd draw the line firmly at this behaviour, I'd be screaming WTAF at him the moment I saw and if I ever witnessed anything like that again I would leave him. He'd be in no doubt about that.

I think the difference is, he knows these women, he acts like their friends, and behind their backs he's being perverse, sexist and derogatory. In addition you had a breast cancer scare and he's asking his mates about your getting a boob job, that's just sick.

I'm sorry, but what your described would actually give me the rage.

My mouth was open when I was reading the boob job comment and I'm not easily shocked.

And I'll say it again. He could, and in my opinion should, loose his job.

He is bringing the company into disrepute and acting in an unprofessional manner. Also, harassing colleagues.

OP you need to make it clear he is risking more than his marriage.

This behaviour is not 'harmless' he has already caused you emotional harm. He has caused harm to the other women by being so disrespectful.

Do not colluded in diminishing the seriousness of what he has done.

*And I'll say it again. He could, and in my opinion should, loose his job.

He is bringing the company into disrepute and acting in an unprofessional manner. Also, harassing colleagues.*

If I found out this was going on in my workplace I would make a formal complaint and escalate it to the highest level. I have a low tolerance for disrespectful "banter" anyway - but this is not passing comment on strangers walking past in the street, this is colleagues in the workplace, it's disgusting.

ooooh bold fail - I was quoting Namechangebitch

His behaviour aside, you clearly do not like this man - so go.

YANBU. I feel for you. You could do with having a better husband after what you have been through. I'd be really disappointed and upset too. This needs pointing out to him to give him the opportunity to change.