To let them know how upset DS was?

[itsgoodtobehome]

DS4 is really good friends with a little girl who is also 4. We are good friends with the parents, and they do a lot together. As it's the school holidays, we had today arranged for me to take the 2 children out for lunch. DS was so excited and looking forward to it. Literally as we were getting ready to go (we had our coats and shoes on!) the little girl and her dad came over and said that she no longer wanted to go. She had changed her mind!. There wasn't much I could say really, so just said OK then. Well, after they had gone, all hell broke lose with DS. He was so upset and disappointed. Couldn't stop crying and said that he no longer wanted to go out anymore.

I'm really quite upset for him and also feel a bit angry that the parents just let the little girl just change her mind like that. If she was ill, or something else had happened, then fair enough. But surely we should be teaching our children that if they make a commitment to do something, then they should stick with it, and if they change plans, the they are letting other people down.

Anyway, they are coming round shortly to exchange presents. I really feel like I want to let them know how upset DS was, and that his day and treat were spoilt because of it. AIBU to do this, or should I just let it go?

In theory, you're right, we should stick to things we say we are going to do. But she's four, not an adult with the mature ability to both know what we want to do, and the rules of social ettiquette. Which also state that we don't make a big fuss if people change plans, so you if you want her to act like an adult, you have to expect the same from your 4 year old too.

You've totally missed out the role of parents in, er, parenting.

What did OP do? She supported her child in getting over his disappointment and going out to lunch anyway, even though he said didn't want to as he was so disappointed. He didn't enjoy it as much and his feelings were hurt, and that's fine. As an adult, I'd feel the same.

With his friend, the parent just gave in and allowed her to say 'forget other people's feelings, I always come first'.

In one case, parenting happened.

No, of course not. I'm on the side or don't force her but people are using the issue of feminism to back that up

Yes. Because while its a bad message for both, its worse for girls because its a matter that affects girls much more, and they are more heavily socialised to put their wishes after others, to defer, to demur, and to please.

You've totally missed out the role of parents in, er, parenting

Not at all. If you think parenting is always forcing children to do what suits you, no matter what, I guess thats up to you. It's not the way I parent. Yes, I'm in charge, but I don't treat my children as possessions.

With his friend, the parent just gave in and allowed her to say 'forget other people's feelings, I always come first
You have no idea why they cancelled, what they said, or how they handled it with their child, so you have no basis for this nonsense.

Not at all. If you think parenting is always forcing children to do what suits you, no matter what, I guess thats up to you.

Yes, that is exactly what I said.

On why the friend cancelled - going on OP's version of what the dad said, and then what the mum said. If in fact the dad let her cancel on her friend and let him down simply because she 'didn't feel like it', then that's a parenting fail in my book and a great way to raise self-involved nightmares.

No what you said was that you knew who parented and how, despite knowing absolutely nothing about the people or the situation. Quite startling arrogant.

Arrogant parenting is, imo, another way to raise nightmares. I would never be so rude as to say so though, without more information.

^No what you said was that you knew who parented and how, despite knowing absolutely nothing about the people or the situation. Quite startling arrogant.

Oh dear. Did I forget to reiterate: 'Based on the information and scenario as supplied by the OP', because it was so totally bleeding obvious?

You'd described a situation in which you'd set up the straw man that OP was expecting either four year old to respond in an adult way to their emotions automatically. I'd pointed out that actually, they weren't expected to behave that way automatically, because parents. In the situation as it has been described (HTH), one parent supported their child in responding in a more positive, adult way, and one did not. I class one of those as good parenting.

I'm really sorry if that doesn't validate your own parenting choices. I really hope I'm wrong and that the 'yes darling, your feelings are far more important than anyone else's' approach that seems to be so popular consistently turns out thoughtful, kind, empathetic adults who are lovely to know.

Ignoring, of course, your brilliantly arrogant and PA final paragraph, but thanks, I got a good giggle.