Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let them know how upset DS was?

133 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 21/12/2016 14:49

DS4 is really good friends with a little girl who is also 4. We are good friends with the parents, and they do a lot together. As it's the school holidays, we had today arranged for me to take the 2 children out for lunch. DS was so excited and looking forward to it. Literally as we were getting ready to go (we had our coats and shoes on!) the little girl and her dad came over and said that she no longer wanted to go. She had changed her mind!. There wasn't much I could say really, so just said OK then. Well, after they had gone, all hell broke lose with DS. He was so upset and disappointed. Couldn't stop crying and said that he no longer wanted to go out anymore.

I'm really quite upset for him and also feel a bit angry that the parents just let the little girl just change her mind like that. If she was ill, or something else had happened, then fair enough. But surely we should be teaching our children that if they make a commitment to do something, then they should stick with it, and if they change plans, the they are letting other people down.

Anyway, they are coming round shortly to exchange presents. I really feel like I want to let them know how upset DS was, and that his day and treat were spoilt because of it. AIBU to do this, or should I just let it go?

OP posts:
waterrat · 21/12/2016 18:51

I think 4 is too young to say they have to go out without parents...If they don't want yo then that's thst really. It's harsh for your son but I've learnt from similar situations that it's better not to ever hype things up with kids.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 21/12/2016 18:57

I would have made my DC go, 4 year olds go where you want them to don't they? (Within reason of course) x

Janey50 · 21/12/2016 18:57

Agree with mumtomaxwell. I was surprised that a 4 year old dictates to her parents what she does and doesn't want to do. I think that a child of 4 is old enough to learn that they can't always just change their mind on a whim, that other people's feelings have to be taken into account.

user1482343889 · 21/12/2016 18:59

Parents Take Charge. PLEASE!

reup · 21/12/2016 19:00

My son had a friend whose Mum let him do this all the time. We would make arrangements to go to soft play, days out etc and then he would change his mind. I stopped telling my son about the arrangements until the last minute so he wouldn't be constantly disappointed. The friendship waned and now he's a teenager she has almost no control over what he does.

Lots of people on here saying you can't force a 4 year old - does that apply to school or holiday or events with booked tickets?

december10th · 21/12/2016 19:15

Lots of people on here saying you can't force a 4 year old - does that apply to school or holiday or events with booked tickets?

Do many 4 YOs go on holiday with a friend without their own parents? I don't think so

user1482343889 · 21/12/2016 19:24

Applies to life😯

SaucyJack · 21/12/2016 19:27

You can force a four year old to go to anything if you're of the mind to do so.

What you cannot force them to do is behave in a pleasant enough manner to make the outing worthwhile.

HaveNoSocks · 21/12/2016 19:28

OP said they do loads of activities together and since this is the first time they've bailed it seems unlikely that it's simply a case of the child saying "actually I don't fancy it anymore". Perhaps she was tired in the run up to christmas had a massive meltdown, didn't want to come and her parents thought she couldn't handle it. Maybe she suddenly got really worried about this trip for some reason.

I sympathise with OP because my DS would be devastated too but plans change from time to time and it's just something they'll have to learn to handle.

It's not your place though to parent their child so whatever "lesson" she's learning isn't your problem. If this started happening more often I probably would say something along the lines of "my DS gets upset when plans keep getting cancelled so I'd like a firm commitment or nothing at all"

reup · 21/12/2016 19:40

From the op I didn't get the going without her parents was the issue but there may have been an update I missed. School is a parent free zone though!

In my experience of one of my kids being very stubborn, he always enjoyed things when he got there despite moaning beforehand and I wasn't going to let him dictate what we did all the time. Although there was the great time he moaned all the way round an attraction very loudly saying "We could be at home playing Mario cart on the wii". Which was embarrassing but very funny.

NiceFalafels · 21/12/2016 19:41

I probably wouldn't ask her to a meal out again. Ask someone else

user1482343889 · 21/12/2016 19:44

Can we continue battles on behalf of......

user1482343889 · 21/12/2016 19:47

not

Original poster
itsgoodtobehome · 21/12/2016 20:46

Thanks all for your comments. Just to wrap this up. The little girl and her mum came over earlier. Mum asked how the lunch went. I just answered honestly and said that it wasn't great because ds was upset about his friend not going and therefore was no longer in the mood. She apologised and said she didn't really know why her dd had changed her mind. Dad had been in charge at the decision point and Dad can be a bit of a pushover. I said it was fine - ds was over it by then. The 2 kids played together for a while and all was fine. I'm glad I mentioned that ds was upset, but we didn't dwell on it, and now it's done and dusted.

Thanks for your input. Always good to have an outlet to vent on MN!!

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 21/12/2016 20:52

My husband is a bit like that too... a big softie.
Glad your wee man is okay now.

Madeyemoodysmum · 21/12/2016 21:07

Op. I have a friend who does this repeatedly. We make a plan and then her son decides he wants to do A instead and she just a goes along with it.

It's now got to the point that I only meet up with her and him at Easter and summer break. The shorter holidays id rather see more reliable friends. I see her on her own term time regularly as I do like her company but I'm fed up of her letting him Rule the roost and letting my kids down when we could have done something else.

Mouthofmisery · 21/12/2016 21:11

Was the Dad embarrassed?? I think if my daughter had behaved in a way that she had decided not to go I would do as much as I could to coerce her and if it really wasn't happening I would be mortified to have to tell the parents who had invited us.

Original poster
itsgoodtobehome · 21/12/2016 21:37

To be honest, I think if it had been up to the mum, she would have been firmer with the dd and persuaded her to go. Dad is on Christmas holidays, spending a bit of time with his dd, out of routine, rules lapsing etc etc. Probably didn't think it through so much - he hadn't been involved in the making of arrangements so maybe didn't think it was such a big deal. In fact the arrangement had been made to give the mum a bit of free time to get on with stuff - she's probably more pissed off with her dh than I am as she came home to find that her 4yo hadn't gone out after all Grin

OP posts:
Craigie · 22/12/2016 17:41

YABTU & you let your child dictate what happened because he was upset, so you have double standards. Drop it, it is TOTALLY unimportant.

xmb53 · 22/12/2016 17:51

I agree with Jinxxx - why be cross with the girl for cancelling on you, when you let your son do exactly the same.....
Just forget about it.

Devilishpyjamas · 22/12/2016 18:00

We had this OP. Ds3's friend kept cancelling at the last minute - it was his mother, not him. In the end I just stopped inviting them, or I'd invite & not tell ds3 then it didn't matter whether they showed up or not.

FrameyMcFrame · 22/12/2016 18:05

Hi, this is something that happens to all children and adults too. Yes it's disappointing but it's a learning process.

Don't make a fuss, just be nice and hope they can continue being friends, support your DS through his disappointments in life, this won't be the last one Flowers

BertieBotts · 22/12/2016 18:06

4 year olds are contrary and live in the moment. I wouldn't force a 4 year old to do something that they really really hated - DS cancelled his own birthday party when he was 4 at the last minute because we had planned to go to the circus and he suddenly had a freak out about it and we went to the park instead! But that was different - the other kids invited were all younger and not really too fussed, tickets had not been bought in advance, we had 2-for-1 vouchers. We had a nice trip to the park (though it was bloody freezing Hmm)

When someone else is expecting something is not the time to let them down. I would expect a 4yo to see through on commitments like that even if they were being a bit moody about it. They do soon cheer up when you get there!

rosajois · 22/12/2016 18:17

This happened to my ten year old dd a couple of months ago. Her friend was coming over after school for an hour or so before their school disco, but the night before, the mum texted me to say that there was a change of plan and her daughter would stay at school with two other friends and get changed with them there. My dd was so upset at being dumped like that and I was furious (inside) with the mum for letting her daughter do that. I texted back to say how disappointed my dd would be but it made no difference. No apology. Just different parenting styles I guess, but it broke my heart leaving my dd to go in to this large disco by herself without any friend by her side. I would never allow my dd to go back on an arrangement like that.

FoolandFitz · 22/12/2016 18:28

I am glad it was all sorted out but the useless dad should have given you more notice. Turning up with the girl was very unreasonable.