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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let them know how upset DS was?

133 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 21/12/2016 14:49

DS4 is really good friends with a little girl who is also 4. We are good friends with the parents, and they do a lot together. As it's the school holidays, we had today arranged for me to take the 2 children out for lunch. DS was so excited and looking forward to it. Literally as we were getting ready to go (we had our coats and shoes on!) the little girl and her dad came over and said that she no longer wanted to go. She had changed her mind!. There wasn't much I could say really, so just said OK then. Well, after they had gone, all hell broke lose with DS. He was so upset and disappointed. Couldn't stop crying and said that he no longer wanted to go out anymore.

I'm really quite upset for him and also feel a bit angry that the parents just let the little girl just change her mind like that. If she was ill, or something else had happened, then fair enough. But surely we should be teaching our children that if they make a commitment to do something, then they should stick with it, and if they change plans, the they are letting other people down.

Anyway, they are coming round shortly to exchange presents. I really feel like I want to let them know how upset DS was, and that his day and treat were spoilt because of it. AIBU to do this, or should I just let it go?

OP posts:

DixieWishbone · 22/12/2016 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JassyRadlett · 22/12/2016 18:32

Of course I'll encourage her to be kind, and try to rally her into sticking to the plan and having a nice day - but at the end of the day, if she doesn't want to see/play with a specific person on a specific day, I won't make her.

Let me tell you how that one ends.

DS1 has a friend whose parents encouraged him to behave like that. Lots of making plans, going on about them regularly, and then pulling out at very short notice. DS used to get really upset about it - we had limited time for him to have friends round and he really looked forward to it each time.

So I stopped inviting him, because it wasn't worth it for how often DS was disappointed about. We focused our time on friends who are reliable.

And it seems I wasn't the only one, as now the mother is going on about how upset her son is that he doesn't get invited round others' to play very often.

Madeyemoodysmum · 22/12/2016 18:35

Exactly Jenny! That's what's happened to my relationship with my friends son. I only agree to see him when I don't really care now. Too many ruined days.

If you agree to do something you should. Unless illness or another crisis strikes. Flooded house broken down car etc. We now meet with those who are reliable too.

Madeyemoodysmum · 22/12/2016 18:35

Jassy even!

JassyRadlett · 22/12/2016 18:37

DixieNormas · 22/12/2016 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LovingLola · 22/12/2016 19:00

4 year olds are allowed to change their minds. Mine often did at that age. By 6 he had matured emotionally enough and had the empathy to realise that he might hurt his friends' feelings by changing his mind about doing things with them. I would not be piling the guilt on her. Or on her parents.

awayinamazda · 22/12/2016 19:40

'But I plan on encouraging my DD to know that: it's ok to say no, it's okay to change your mind and it's ok to put your own happiness ahead of someone else's (quite minor) disappointment.'
I wonder if that will apply to going food shopping when u need to, and going to school? I suspect u will tell her she HAS to do things sometimes (or end up with a very spoiled child)!

Sprinklestar · 22/12/2016 19:43

Had a friend like this. We'd arrange play dates for the children after school and then she'd cancel at the last minute, disappointing mine who'd been looking forward to it. Turns out she never told hers about upcoming appointments/events and then decided at the last minute whether to go ahead. Never mind the other party (i.e. us) kept hanging. We don't do play dates any more. Rude cow.

WhatwouldJoydo · 22/12/2016 20:50

Had this recently my little ones best friend was tired after school so mum bend down to explain her daughter didn't want to be with her. I was fuming and spend ages calming her down. I didn't mention it with the parent until she said her daughter was devestated half way home. I just said it took me an Hr to calm my little one down and left it at that. She's been sheepish ever since!
Just encourage my little one not to be dependant online friend but to play with others.

Daydream007 · 22/12/2016 21:15

YANBU. Children should be taught about commitment when plans are made. I would make a point of not arranging anything else with them and letting them know why. They are unreliable..

longdiling · 22/12/2016 21:25

I'm glad it ended well OP. I have to say though, I can see how forcing a child could back fire too. It might well end up on AIBU too. My 6yo DD was invited to a friend's after school last week and on the morning decided she didn't want to go. She was upset, said she'd miss me, was in tears going into school. I made her go anyway and told her how upset her friend would be if she let her down. But I doubted myself all day in case it backfired and the poor friend and her Mum were stuck with an upset 6 year old who only wanted her mum! You can imagine the AIBU can't you?

'AIBU to be pissed off that my dd's friend has seemingly been made to come over to play against her will, she's been upset and tearful which has upset my DD and stressed me out because I don't know what to do with her! I wish her mum had just kept her home, she probably just wanted some time to herself, the selfish cow'.

LoobysMummy14 · 22/12/2016 21:29

You if always send m a text just saying
'i hope x is okay, ds missed her today'

LoobysMummy14 · 22/12/2016 21:31

Sorry phone is on a go slow!
You could always just pop them a text

That's better

100milesanhour · 22/12/2016 22:02

I wouldn't bring it up but if anything was mentioned but I wouldn't make too many plans with them.

DailyFail1 · 22/12/2016 22:08

Children at this age should be being taught to honour their commitments (unless they're sick or if there's a true emergency in which case I'm sure you'd be told). It is poor parenting to let a child of 4 or 5 'change their mind' about doing something that impacts other people. They aren't adults, they aren't capable at this age of thinking selflessly, clearly, or even that they don't want to do (am sure if parents had forced her to go she'd have had a great time) - as the parent you have to actually parent your child so they grow up into considerate adults. This isn't good parenting.

And yes, I agree that you should tell them and their daughter. The girl should know about the effect of her decisions. Don't go overboard, just say your son was upset. Their reaction will tell you if the friendship is worth pursuing.

MistressMerryWeather · 22/12/2016 22:41

It's been 5 years but I remember things being much more casual when DS1 was 4.

He's still pretty much in the same group of friends and I can't say that any of us parents forced them to do things like this.

I do recall phone calls along the lines of 'Bugger it Merry, So and so is a crabby mess right now can we skip today?' which was always fine.

I can honestly say they this hasn't turned any of them into selfish, inconsiderate 8/9/10-year-olds.

NiceFalafels · 23/12/2016 06:49

I do know kids who have turned into crappy 8/9 year olds on the back of being spoilt and running roughshod over other feelings.

There's a huge difference between a rare cancellation and completely letting others down regularly.

DizzyBlondeMum2 · 23/12/2016 07:11

If it's a one off, life is full of disappointments and it's a good learning moment for your 4 year old. Tough at the time but really not the end of the world. Move on.

If it becomes a regular thing then the other parents are being selfish and I'd reduce contact and not tell my DS you're seeing them to far in advance. No one needs unreliable friends.

user1480946351 · 23/12/2016 07:55

But surely we should be teaching our children that if they make a commitment to do something, then they should stick with it, and if they change plans, the they are letting other people down

Or perhaps we are starting very early in telling girls to do what boys want so we don't let them down. It's all socialisation.
Maybe she was having a stinking tantrum and really didn't want to go. Would you have wanted them to force a crying, kicking child into your car, so your son wasn't disappointed?

In theory, you're right, we should stick to things we say we are going to do. But she's four, not an adult with the mature ability to both know what we want to do, and the rules of social ettiquette. Which also state that we don't make a big fuss if people change plans, so you if you want her to act like an adult, you have to expect the same from your 4 year old too.

longdiling · 23/12/2016 08:39

I'd be interested to know if the people saying that children should be made to honour all commitments unless it's a dire emergency have ever cancelled anything themselves? Obviously nobody likes a flaky friend who always lets you down but surely most of us would forgive the odd cancellation?! Even if it was just I'm knackered, feel really low and I know I'll be terrible company'? I know I would. Especially if I was still able to carry on with the plans, just with one less person. Which is what happened to op's son. They went for lunch anyway, he just missed his little pal.

BeingATinselTwatItsABingThing · 23/12/2016 08:57

For those saying it's teaching a girl early to do what pleases men...

What if OP's DS was a DD? Or what if the friend had been a boy, not a girl?

user1480946351 · 23/12/2016 08:59

Still not a good message, is it?

BeingATinselTwatItsABingThing · 23/12/2016 09:41

No, of course not. I'm on the side or don't force her but people are using the issue of feminism to back that up.

BertieBotts · 23/12/2016 09:46

For me this is not a gendered issue. It's a blanket rule.

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