Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let them know how upset DS was?

133 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 21/12/2016 14:49

DS4 is really good friends with a little girl who is also 4. We are good friends with the parents, and they do a lot together. As it's the school holidays, we had today arranged for me to take the 2 children out for lunch. DS was so excited and looking forward to it. Literally as we were getting ready to go (we had our coats and shoes on!) the little girl and her dad came over and said that she no longer wanted to go. She had changed her mind!. There wasn't much I could say really, so just said OK then. Well, after they had gone, all hell broke lose with DS. He was so upset and disappointed. Couldn't stop crying and said that he no longer wanted to go out anymore.

I'm really quite upset for him and also feel a bit angry that the parents just let the little girl just change her mind like that. If she was ill, or something else had happened, then fair enough. But surely we should be teaching our children that if they make a commitment to do something, then they should stick with it, and if they change plans, the they are letting other people down.

Anyway, they are coming round shortly to exchange presents. I really feel like I want to let them know how upset DS was, and that his day and treat were spoilt because of it. AIBU to do this, or should I just let it go?

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 21/12/2016 16:28

Unless they have form for being flakey I would honestly just let it go.

Yes, it was a shame for your DS but that's life. Things don't always go as planned.

NotYoda · 21/12/2016 16:28

Wow that was sanctimonious! Grin

NotYoda · 21/12/2016 16:28

me, I meant!

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2016 16:30

She's only 4, might have not enjoyed it if forced to go out. I would have just taken ds out for a meal. Nothing to worry about, and you don't want to loose a friendship over something so small.

NotYoda · 21/12/2016 16:30

itsonly

I thinks that's one of the biggest balancing acts, isn't it?

MistressMerryWeather · 21/12/2016 16:30

Exactly Yoda.

'Oh, I'm going to have to force my screaming, crying 4-year-old to go somewhere she doesn't want to otherwise she will treat people like shit for the rest of her life'

How dramatic.

SaucyJack · 21/12/2016 16:31

Are you sure you're not Yoda?

Wise, you are.

Bythebeach · 21/12/2016 16:31

Ah - just seen you said no social anxiety issues so probably I'm wrong. But it can be more complex - my son was happy to go to one friend's house who he was very familiar with but was uncertain about anything else 'different' - different people in that house, different location etc and for example only really liked parties when he had been to that party venue/type of party before. He was so worried about anything 'new'.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2016 16:32

I do think they should have given more warning, although to be fair they might have been trying to persuade her to go (so as not to disappoint your DS) up until they left the house.

But I like how they made her come to your door while they explained her decision.

That is teaching her responsibility, even if she is still only 4yrs old.

ThinkPinkStink · 21/12/2016 16:37

Barbarian as I said; I'd try to rally her into action "c'mon DD, you'll have a lovely time, you haven't seen X for ages, oooh you can play on their swing"...whatever. But if she staunchly doesn't fancy it, I'm not going to force her. We're talking about a social event not school/the dentist/going to bed/any number of things that are non negotiable.

Just as I feel like I'm old enough and ugly enough to cancel plans if I don't fancy them and be honest and about it "sorry X can we reschedule dinner?" (How many times have people told little white lies to get out of social events? "Ooo Timmy doesn't feel well..." or "sorry I'm stuck at work"). Luckily I'm not as fickle as a four year old and confident enough to only make plans I want to keep.

I know it's politicising the issue, but I think it's especially important to teach little girls that it's okay no to social interactions.

NB: I'm the same about not forcing kids to kiss/hug relatives hello/goodbye.

NotYoda · 21/12/2016 16:40

Saucy Grin

Do, or Do Not. There is no Try

SaucyJack · 21/12/2016 16:42

"Likely she'd have been perfectly fine once they'd got going. Sounds just like the fickleness of 4 year olds to me."

You don't know that.

Especially as she isn't normally an anxious, unreliable sort of kid. Why not respect the judgement of her parent that there's something particular going on for her today and she just really can't face it?

The OP will feel like a right cunt if she has a go about it later, and then the kid wakes up with a streaming cold tomorrow morning.

deste · 21/12/2016 16:43

I would say nothing. She is 4 figs.

BarbarianMum · 21/12/2016 16:53

Pink that's fine, do that. But like I said, be clear with people that that's the deal so they don't get left high and dry - and do cover any costs they incur making arrangements you've agreed to because that's only polite.

Witchend · 21/12/2016 16:57

You can't tell social anxiety from a glance. My dd who has it appears very social. You just don't see the point where she is vomiting because she's worrying about it. She appears very confident.

UnderbeneathsiesTheMistletoe · 21/12/2016 17:02

Sometimes girls change their minds, and boys have to accept that.

You need to emphasise that shit happens and always have three to lunch.
Spread your bets, but learn resilience.

I've always taught my DD not to be a people pleaser (especially to boys) and that she is allowed to change her mind anytime. If that turns her into a hard nosed bitch rather than a people pleasing pushover so be it.

I've never made my DD do anything she was uncomfortable with like being kissed by whiskery aunties, get a hug from a GP, or having to play with someone she's just not into.

IMO The little girl is more susceptible to having her desires and wishes ignored by society. The little boy needs lo learn that girls can change their minds and that that's perfectly fine every time.

Sorry he's upset, but that's the way things go sometimes.
Arrange something soon for him with some friends. I'm sure he'll forget all about it soon enough.

BaggyCheeks · 21/12/2016 17:03

If I said anything it would be "It's a shame we had to cancel going out together earlier, DS missed

BarbarianMum · 21/12/2016 17:11
ThinkPinkStink · 21/12/2016 17:13

Oh Barbarian you're totally right about manners they are super important and OP should have expected as much notice of the change of plans as possible - no one likes a last minute flake out!

Equally OP is perfectly justified in letting the parents know that DS was upset - but in a non confrontational way (as to me, there's nothing to really get that hett up (sp?) about) something like: "gah, DS was really upset that he didn't get to see your DD, kids can be so fickle, next time let's keep the plans lo fi so if there are any changes we can style it out" or similar!

Strongmummy · 21/12/2016 17:18

Not sure you should mention. You're taking your frustration out on a 4 year old. You've got no idea why she changed her mind. Could be last minute separation anxiety? She's 4, not 14. Of course it's sad for your son, but life doesn't always go our way and it's a life lesson for him too.

ChocoChou · 21/12/2016 17:40

Was it just you taking the two children out for lunch?
If so, has she been without her parents like this before? Maybe she was feeling worried being with just you and DD because 4 is still very young... I'd be tempted to just mention to the parents aw DS was very upset we couldn't go, we'll have to arrange something again and see what they say about that

ChocoChou · 21/12/2016 17:40

(Ah I just RTFT)

Atenco · 21/12/2016 18:36

The little boy needs lo learn that girls can change their minds and that that's perfectly fine every time

Little boys also have to be allowed to say no to unwanted kisses, hugs, etc. (listening to the news today).

But, in general terms, we want our children to learn to be considerate.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2016 18:44

Christ, if this thread gets turned into a 'this is a feminist issue', just because a 4yr old girl has told a 4yr old boy she doesn't want to go for lunch.

My eyes are going to roll so far out of my head, they'll have their own postcode Hmm

They're kids. Kids change their minds about lots of stuff.

They also have to learn about disappointment.

user1482343889 · 21/12/2016 18:46

Whose arrangements? At 4 it's you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread