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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let them know how upset DS was?

133 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 21/12/2016 14:49

DS4 is really good friends with a little girl who is also 4. We are good friends with the parents, and they do a lot together. As it's the school holidays, we had today arranged for me to take the 2 children out for lunch. DS was so excited and looking forward to it. Literally as we were getting ready to go (we had our coats and shoes on!) the little girl and her dad came over and said that she no longer wanted to go. She had changed her mind!. There wasn't much I could say really, so just said OK then. Well, after they had gone, all hell broke lose with DS. He was so upset and disappointed. Couldn't stop crying and said that he no longer wanted to go out anymore.

I'm really quite upset for him and also feel a bit angry that the parents just let the little girl just change her mind like that. If she was ill, or something else had happened, then fair enough. But surely we should be teaching our children that if they make a commitment to do something, then they should stick with it, and if they change plans, the they are letting other people down.

Anyway, they are coming round shortly to exchange presents. I really feel like I want to let them know how upset DS was, and that his day and treat were spoilt because of it. AIBU to do this, or should I just let it go?

OP posts:

MrsWhiteWash · 21/12/2016 15:56

I had a friend like this when eldest was a toddler - she was often very late when she did come. I found it best to go somewhere and if they joined us great if not we still had a good time.

MrsWhiteWash · 21/12/2016 15:58

As for saying anything - would say it depends on the type of people parents are - would they take in on board or get upset and defensive or would it go completely over their heads.

Isadora2007 · 21/12/2016 15:58

YOu could say he was upset but I agree that you have in effect done as the other parents. You allowed your plans to change as a result of your four year olds feelings.

So did they.

corythatwas · 21/12/2016 15:59

In my world, parents make commitments for their 4yos and make them stick to it. If something serious comes up which prevents it, then you explain (in vague terms if necessary) that something serious has come up to the other parent: you don't just say you don't feel like it. If the seriousness is anxiety on the part of the other child, they might say X isn't feeling well. Basically, if you've made a date which involves another parent and a 4yo, you show the sane courtesy as if the date only involved another adult.

Supposing this lunch date had only involved the two parents, how many people would have thought "I don't feel like it" was a polite excuse? Or that an OP who got annoyed with this needed to learn resilience?

4yos are not polite, but there is absolutely no reason why we should not be polite on their behalf.

GetAHaircutCarl · 21/12/2016 16:00

Some little kids get terribly anxious about being away from their parents.

My DC had a friend like this. He often used to pull out of plans at the last minute.

It wasn't that his parents were flakey - indeed they had scrupulous manners - he was just a nervous little boy.

BTW he has grown up to be a lovely, well mannered, relaxed teenager .

BarbarianMum · 21/12/2016 16:00

No, exactly, they don't. Adults make them on their behalves and then make them stick to them when at all possible. As a pp said what happened to cheerfully ushering them out of the house knowing they'll like it when they try it?

ThinkPinkStink · 21/12/2016 16:01

I understand that it is frustrating to have plans change at the last minute. And upsetting to see your LO disappointed.

But I plan on encouraging my DD to know that: it's ok to say no, it's okay to change your mind and it's ok to put your own happiness ahead of someone else's (quite minor) disappointment.

Of course I'll encourage her to be kind, and try to rally her into sticking to the plan and having a nice day - but at the end of the day, if she doesn't want to see/play with a specific person on a specific day, I won't make her.

NiceFalafels · 21/12/2016 16:04

Is she usually such a princess?

user1471446433 · 21/12/2016 16:05

So a 4 yr old didn't want to go to a strange place with out her parents? sounds ok to me! Your 4 yr old being disappointed also sounds ok to me.
I imagine they know he was disappointed & I think they were decent to come & speak to you rather than just text/phone.

BarbarianMum · 21/12/2016 16:06

Pink I really hope you make that clear to the people you make plans with. As in, I hope you say things like "she'll come if she feels like it" rather than "she'd love to come." Just so everyone understands where they stand and can plan appropriately.

Personally I teach mine to think carefully before committing to things so they can avoid letting others down.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/12/2016 16:06

Oh no your poor little one. Its horrible for us as adults. When we get let down.

However I don't know what you can say really to the parents. Its not their fault their dd didn't want to go, and. You can't force them. Kids can be funny little blighters.

NiceFalafels · 21/12/2016 16:07

I think it's fine for a child to say no if they have reason. But willy nilly letting people down will impact others and have a knock on effect socially.

Original poster

itsgoodtobehome · 21/12/2016 16:09

Thanks for the comments so far.

Just to clarify - we didn't change our plans. We still went out for lunch, but he just wasn't that into it without his little friend.

I have explained to him that we sometimes feel let down when plans change, but we just need to deal with it and not let it spoil things for us.

I guess it has irritated me because I am a real stickler for sticking with things that I have agreed to do. I rarely cancel a commitment unless something serious has come up. I know they are only 4 and of course change their minds a billion times a day, but I think as parent, it's your responsibility to manage that a bit when you have made arrangements involving other people.

No social anxiety issues on her part - she comes over to play all the time and is very comfortable with us.

OP posts:

Atenco · 21/12/2016 16:11

But I plan on encouraging my DD to know that: it's ok to say no, it's okay to change your mind and it's ok to put your own happiness ahead of someone else's (quite minor) disappointment

Good luck with that one!

SaucyJack · 21/12/2016 16:11

She's 4! Give her a break some of you.

Would you rather the dad had dragged her along crying?

NotYoda · 21/12/2016 16:13

You didn't know that he doesn't try to manage it. You only know he failed this time and your son is upset.

BarbarianMum · 21/12/2016 16:15

Would she have been crying though SaucyJack? Likely she'd have been perfectly fine once they'd got going. Sounds just like the fickleness of 4 year olds to me.

confuugled1 · 21/12/2016 16:15

I think they should have rung you earlier so you had a chance to warn ds that plans were changing - even if it was only 5 mins beforehand - so that ds didn't see them and go into happy/excited mode only to have it snatched away.

Original poster

itsgoodtobehome · 21/12/2016 16:20

confuugled1 - you have hit the nail on the head. The fact that they appeared at the time we were getting ready to go meant he thought that she had arrived to go out. If I had had more warning, I could probably have managed it better. As it was, she arrived (cue massive excitement) and then left (cue the tears)!!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2016 16:20

But surely we should be teaching our children that if they make a commitment to do something, then they should stick with it, and if they change plans, the they are letting other people down.

How do you know her parents aren't teaching her this, OP?

They could well have told her all of that and she still didn't want to go.

Short of dumping a crying, grumpy ball of snot on your doorstep and expecting you to take her to lunch, what were they supposed to do?

They can't force her.

Serin · 21/12/2016 16:22

Aww your poor boy, that's a hard lesson for him to learn, but learn it he will.

Next time he will know that sometimes things don't go as planned and he will be able to cope better.

BarbarianMum · 21/12/2016 16:25

They could have given the OP more warning. Apologised. Explained the problem, or maybe invented an explanation to save everyone's feelings if it was really was that she'd just changed her mind and they were teaching her not to sacrifice her happiness for the convenience of others. Maybe offered to come along too (if she was anxious about going without them). Offered an alternative - picnic at home. Lots of things really.

itsonlysubterfuge · 21/12/2016 16:25

If this was my DD and she wasn't having a good day and decided she didn't want to meet her friend anymore, I would let her cancel.

You are saying we should teach our children to muddle through when they don't feel up to it so someone else doesn't feel bad? We should teach our children to do something they don't want, in case it disappoints someone else?

I personally think that I would rather teach my child to give out sincere apologies and how to make it up to someone, rather than to teach her to ignore her own feelings and put other people first all the time.

Bythebeach · 21/12/2016 16:27

I don't think you can make a 4 year old go. That is still very little. My middle son and I myself when I was a child used to get terrible anxiety about things like this at that kind of age. My middle son is now 8 and it no longer happens but when he was 4 I would already have explained to him that he was letting his friend down and encouraged him strongly to go but ultimately I wouldn't force him....but I would have been extremely apologetic to you and your child and perhaps tried to find a solution such as both kids parents went for lunch with the kids ( as with my son it was partly related to separation anxiety). I don't think kids should be allowed to accept and then change their mind if for example they get a better offer but i think with a 4 year old it was more likely she was anxious about something.

Poor your son though. It is horrible when they have been looking forward to something and are so disappointed.

NotYoda · 21/12/2016 16:28

People talk as if we have to teach all the life lessons a child has to learn all at once, and if they haven't learned it at 4 then they never will. As the parent of teens, I can say it's a process. You start when they are little, but you also take into account the fact they are little. They get it in the end if you put in the work and respect where they are at that point.

And you make mistakes and you understand that other people make mistakes and teach your child that Shit Happens.

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