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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think not sending Christmas cards and giving to charity instead is a big con?

150 replies

chickenstock · 20/12/2016 20:33

Lots of people are announcing they're doing this now. If it was a genuine choice based on an inability to cover the cost of both, then fine. But most of the people I know who are doing it can more than afford to send some cards and give some money to charity. Also, why say the thing you're not doing is the thing that brings pleasure to others? Why not say, I'm going to have one less bottle of Prosecco this Christmas, or skip the fancy chocs or whatever, and give that money to charity? Just be honest and say I can't bothered to send some seasons greetings to the people I like. I think it's mean.

OP posts:

WhiskyAndTwiglets · 22/12/2016 08:35

I have had a few glorious years of living abroad with no proper post system and therefore freedom from cards.
Move back for a bit and we get the fuckers again 😬
Not one of them have more than To So and So... Love.... in them. What's fecking personal about that? 🙄
Refusing to send them myself.
I do donate more to charity at Christmas. The link is obvious to me with cards because so many are "charity" cards that actually donate very little. That's the link and it's a pretty compelling one.
Never announced it but I wish charities did a Facebook card to publish on social media in return for a donation.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 22/12/2016 08:56

It's no about being tight it's about making a big deal about a small donation when you could give up practically anything and donate that at anytime.

And if people are so hard up that they have to spend £20 feeding their family for a week they shouldn't be donating anything to charity

surferjet · 22/12/2016 09:01

Exactly - if you can't afford Christmas cards you really can't afford to give to charity.
It's just another 'look how wonderful I am' load of shite.
Loads of things we buy are a waste of money. I bet these people don't give up all the money they waste on Halloween crap.

GravyAndShite · 22/12/2016 09:07

Exactly - if you can't afford Christmas cards you really can't afford to give to charity.

It's not about not affording them, it's about not seeing any value in sending them but seeing the value of donating equal money to a charity that you value.

Be careful about assigning your values to others or insisting they share your values - that's is how extremism starts.

It's just another 'look how wonderful I am' load of shite.

That just makes you sound petit and jealous.

bonbonours · 22/12/2016 09:26

The only people i sent cards to this year were mostly elderly relatives, basically anybody who I am not in email or Facebook contact with. It is not about not being bothered, as I got my kids to draw Xmas pictures, and combined them to make a digital 'card' and sent this individually with a message to all my friends via Facebook or email (not just and to all) . I didn't want to waste a fortune on postage, and send a load of paper which will be thrown away. If people want an actual card they can print it. I have said nothing about charity, if I want to give to charity I will.

With a couple of distant and elderly relatives, getting a card from them was basically"oh good they're not dead".

surferjet · 22/12/2016 09:33

I send Christmas cards & give to charity.
However, if I ever decide to stop buying cards for ethical reasons, I won't be announcing it all over FB. Who do these people think they are? The queen?
I know my family & friends well enough to know those that really appreciate a card & those who couldn't care less, the ones who appreciate them will carry on receiving them, because Christmas is a time for giving and making people happy.
If you have a problem with waste, stop buying Boden & buy your clothes in Asda. ( honestly, no one will notice )

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/12/2016 09:34

Exactly - if you can't afford Christmas cards you really can't afford to give to charity.

Sorry I didn't realise that people had to ask you what they can or can't spend their money on

Kr1stina · 22/12/2016 09:42

I'm very pleased when people tell me they are giving to charity instead .

GravyAndShite · 22/12/2016 09:48

surferjet

GreyBird84 · 22/12/2016 09:54

@ Polly Perky

I am the environmental champion at work so actually waste & recycling is a high priority of mine both in the workplace & outside.

We do recycle Christmas cards in early January for those that receive them.

It's not about being unable to afford cards. Why are many people assuming that? It's just about deciding how & where to spend your money - which everyone does regardless of their income.

There's a lot of ugly attitudes from card senders about this topic on Mumsnet recently. Send cards, don't send cards - but don't make crass assumptions.

hackmum · 22/12/2016 09:57

I agree with you, OP. But there seems to be a big difference in attitudes. (I was slightly startled by the commenter who said she didn't want other people's cards littering her living room!)

I send cards because I think that for some people, the ones you don't see very often, they can genuinely give pleasure. Similarly, I like to receive cards from people I don't see very often. But I wonder if this is a generational thing - most of the people I'm thinking of are quite old and don't do social media.

I make charity donations at Christmas, and the cards I send are all from Oxfam. (Admittedly stamps are expensive but before privatisation I used to think, Well, at least I'm supporting the Royal Mail.) So I regard the connection between not giving cards and making a charitable donation as spurious - if you haven't got masses of money, and can only afford to make a donation by giving something up, then why not give up something you enjoy rather than something that gives other people pleasure?

I suppose it's the boasting element I don't like - making out you're doing something good when in fact you're simply saving yourself the time and effort you would have to put into doing something that might brighten someone's day. If you don't feel like doing that, just don't do it. Don't expect a round of applause for how good you're being.

minipie · 22/12/2016 10:03

I don't send cards.

I do give to charity.

I agree it's a bit odd - and boasty/pious - to link the two.

piddleypower · 22/12/2016 10:09

YANBU. I write cards AND give to charity, and I don't boast about either (apart from just now!) or care if other people do either.

But how much do cards cost - I spent about £10 in total, so that's not a great deal for people to boast about giving to charity instead. Plus I don't believe half of them do. I love doing cards. I don't have a big family or many gifts to get so its my little bit of tradition. I don't mind or even notice if I don't get a reciprocal one.

A friend said on FB this year that instead of doing cards she was fundraising for charity and set up a just giving page that WE could all contribute to !!?

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 22/12/2016 10:29

It's not about being unable to afford cards. Why are many people assuming that?

I'm not assuming that GreyBird84 I'm responding to the posts where I said a Christmas card level donation to charity is small enough to be totally unimportant and posters raged about how £30 is loads of money especially if you don't have it and that £30 could've fed got kids for a week....

shazza99 · 22/12/2016 10:31

I suppose the FB post is so that people know it's a conscious choice that they won't receive a card from you.

I'm still handing out cards to people whose homes I go to even if they are on FB, but that means about 5 cards in total. Fwiw I gave £50 for overseas aid, and put a link to that charity on my FB post (without saying how much I had donated). That's on top of regular monthly giving via direct debit.

The OP's assumption that people aren't really donating is incorrect in my case.

dancegirl1983 · 22/12/2016 10:53

I think Christmas cards are a really important tradition - yes, it takes a while to do and yes, it costs a little bit of money but it's such a small price to pay for the spreading a bit of joy to my family and friends at Christmas. When I receive a card from someone it's not just a bit of card, it is them saying "I've been bothered to spend a few minutes of my life thinking about you, wondering how you are, choosing a card that you might like, writing in it with my own hand, and I've been willing to spend 55p on a stamp to give you a little bit of joy". A personal text/email might be an acceptable alternative, but in my experience those who don't send cards never bother to do this either. A generic FB status is not a personal message in any way, shape or form.

I honestly don't understand people who receive a card from you, but don't send one back or even send a message saying thank you! It just seems so rude :-(

Anyway, I operate a 3 strikes and you're out policy on Christmas cards, I'm not going to put the effort in for those that repeatedly can't be bothered. It'll just become a slightly smaller club of people that send cards between each other and continue to get lots of pleasure from it!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/12/2016 11:00

Anyway, I operate a 3 strikes and you're out policy on Christmas cards, I'm not going to put the effort in for those that repeatedly can't be bothered.

You keep lists for 3 years of those that do or don't send you cards?

LuluJakey1 · 22/12/2016 11:04

It isn't about not being able to be arsed either as someone up thread said, it is about the waste. We used to get over a hundred cards - many from people we never saw or spoke to from one Christmas to the next. Total waste of paper and money. Better spent on causes who benefit from it- in my opinion.

Now we get about 10 and send about 10 - to PIL, SIL, grandma, close friends. Much better.

People can do as they like but this is what we like.

ladylambkin · 22/12/2016 11:09

I speak as a mum of a child who was born the week of Christmas. I don't put any Christmas cards up until Christmas eve when i take her birthday cards down.

I haven't sent cards for a number of years now, I normally donate to our local hospice by sponsoring some lights on the christmas tree in town.

This year I have received 5 cards, used to get a lot more but I'm thinking either people do similar charity donation or have taken me off the list as I don't send any

dancegirl1983 · 22/12/2016 11:36

You keep lists for 3 years of those that do or don't send you cards?

I just make a little note of it on my Christmas card list. I realise that there will be the odd year that someone might not be able to send cards but I figure that if someone can't be bothered to send me a card in 4 years then they either don't agree with the practice, have moved house, or just can't be bothered, in which case I can't either...

It takes two sides to maintain a relationship, and tbh it's a bit upsetting if you send someone something (whether a gift or a card) and they don't either reciprocate or say Thank You!

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 22/12/2016 12:27

dance

I do the same but its only a year

A little note by the side of their name and if i dont get kne the following year i dont bother sending one

cardibach · 22/12/2016 12:37

dancegirl if the only thing maintaining your relationship is a card at Christmas I don't think there is a relationship to be honest.
You think it's an important tradition, I think it's an outdated one based on a time when people couldn't keep in touch any other way. Now they can. I dont mind Receiving cards, but it doesn't bring me joy. I don't measure my worth to my friends by whether they spend 55p on a stamp - that's really odd. I don't put them on display as they are irritating. They arrive, I open them, a week or two later I throw them away. That's a lot of time, effort, money and environmental damage for not much return.
I also don't understand what part of all this is a 'con'. Nobody is being conned.

dancegirl1983 · 22/12/2016 13:11

Cardibach, that's fine, each to their own. Under my system, I'd stop sending you cards after a few years anyway so you wouldn't need to deal with the burden of receiving one :-)

It's great if you are able to see and keep in regular contact with every single one of your friends and family throughout the year but sometimes you can't, and to me Christmas is just a nice opportunity to let them know (individually, not with a general facebook status!) that you're still thinking of them.

allowlsthinkalot · 22/12/2016 13:38

I think it's a good thing. Cards are a PITA. I don't think anyone apart from the elderly cares whether they receive them or not.

It doesn't mean anything to me that someone wrote their names in a card out of a sense of duty.

I've done this for the first time this year and it's liberating.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 22/12/2016 14:26

I think it's wrong to say that only the elderly appreciate Christmas cards - when I was in my first job living miles away from family and friends I was so lonely and felt really forgotten by everyone.

Yes a couple of people posted on Facebook but it's not the same - what really made a difference was getting cards from family and a few lovely friends and having reminders when I got to my horrid flat that people remembered me and had thought of me. It made getting through to Christmas Eve a lot easier, knowing there were people looking forward to me coming home.

Mind you, we now send all the neighbours Christmas cards and I really love it so I'm probably in the pro- demographic anyway!

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