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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think not sending Christmas cards and giving to charity instead is a big con?

150 replies

chickenstock · 20/12/2016 20:33

Lots of people are announcing they're doing this now. If it was a genuine choice based on an inability to cover the cost of both, then fine. But most of the people I know who are doing it can more than afford to send some cards and give some money to charity. Also, why say the thing you're not doing is the thing that brings pleasure to others? Why not say, I'm going to have one less bottle of Prosecco this Christmas, or skip the fancy chocs or whatever, and give that money to charity? Just be honest and say I can't bothered to send some seasons greetings to the people I like. I think it's mean.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/12/2016 17:00

I'm starting to think that those people who smugly point out what they consider to be virtue signalling is actually another form of virtue signalling

Me too.

viques · 21/12/2016 17:01

I do two extre charity donations at Christmas, to St Martin in the Fields, and another for another charity , so this year Syria. I stopped sending cards when the cost of postage got so crazy, though this is a bit illogical as the donations I send are probably a lot more than the card and postage. I do send cards to some people by email , I use jacquie Lawson which are as many cards as you like through the year for a very reasonable annual amount.

I remind people that I don't send cards, whether they send me one is then up to them, as it is as to whether they believe me that I am making a donation. I am not opposed to cards, I love getting birthday cards, but think Christmas cards have probably had their day and will disappear like phone boxes in a few years time.

shazza99 · 21/12/2016 17:03

Yabu OP. I have done it (and posted on FB), because....

Social media means I am in touch with friends throughout the year.
There's less environmental damage.
A charity benefits.
Sending cards is wife work and I refuse wife work now that I have become more aware of it.
And, many of the relatives fuckers who still send us cards resolutely address them by Mr and Mrs husband initial, husband surname, even though I didn't change my almost 30 years ago.

MrsHathaway · 21/12/2016 17:33

I think when it started, people sent an ecard or other virtual "card" with a note saying they'd eschewed a physical card in favour of the charity donation. So there was still a jolly message and some human contact.

The new phenomenon of chucking a general message on FB instead of contacting everyone individually is lazy - which is fine in many circumstances. But dressing it up as somehow better than sending individual cards because you're making a charity donation is disingenuous.

PollyPerky · 21/12/2016 17:40

I think some posters forget that not everyone is glued to social media ( the young'uns here!)

Most of the people I send cards to are not on FB or any form of social media- it's not compulsory to join you know! It's also imo a highly impersonal, lazy way of communicating.

My mum is almost 90 and receives around 80 Xmas cards and sends the same. They go to friends she's known since she was at primary school. They don't use social media and as many are old and housebound, a card plus a handwritten letter once a year means the world to them.

Don't base your assumptions just on your own small demography- there is a big world out there!

GreyBird84 · 21/12/2016 17:42

YABU

I had cancer. I now donate to a research facility instead of sending cards. Everyone now knows I do this so no grand announcement from me about it.

I think the cost of cards & stamps is wasteful.

PollyPerky · 21/12/2016 17:46

Wasteful to you or the recipient?

There seem to be a lot of selfish people here who cannot understand how for some people, a card is something that brings pleasure . It's a sign someone has thought of you.

I wonder if the same people who bang on about 'waste' ever drink a takeaway coffee and fill up landfill sites with the cups? (which aren't recyclable, unlike paper.)

shazza99 · 21/12/2016 17:51

I've given out a few cards - to elderly neighbours for instance - but most people I know are all connected on Facebook - cards have mainly had their day imo.

PollyPerky · 21/12/2016 17:54

You can't compare a few lines written on social media and sent at the click of a mouse to hundreds of people, to a carefully chosen card with a handwritten message.
You just can't.

They are completely different. And not everyone uses FBook.

NerrSnerr · 21/12/2016 17:56

What I would say is coming up to this Christmas I have been quite lonely- I have had hyperemesis since September and have been signed off work and haven't been able to do my usual visits to friends and family. Every card I have received I have been so grateful for- it has made my day. No one who hasn't sent a card has called, dropped in or texted as yet.

I think if you're not going to send cards you should get in touch with the people you'd usually send cards to.

EnglishGirlApproximately · 21/12/2016 18:01

I agree OP. Either send cards or don't, give to charity or don't - but to make yourself out to be doing something virtuous seems a bit attention seeking. I don't really do cards and I give a monthly amount to 2 charities - the two things aren't related. Most of the people on my FB I see doing this are the ones posting photos of mountains of gift wrapped presents on Xmas day so it's certainly not about waste or being frugal.

ShowMeTheElf · 21/12/2016 18:16

I do this. I don't necessarily announce it. I used to but now I just make an effort to call or message everyone I would send a card to. It saves paper, energy and faff, plus I actually get to speak/converse with people instead of the generic card. In fact we've gone one further this year: DH and I have opted out of our respective Christmas Dos, we've limited the kids gifts (with their knowledge) and have made a sizeable donation to a local charity which the DCs are fully aware of as they helped source the items the charity said they needed. cards just seem like a waste of money: if you want to reach out to someone just do it rather than sending a bought card and just writing your name inside.

Bettersleepoutdoors · 21/12/2016 18:26

I think this kind of message might have started with businesses.
So instead of spending the time, effort and money on sending car to clients and associates a company could still say "merry christmas" by email (thereby preserving the business communication) but not bother with the slightly more arduous task of writing and sending cards.
In that way I can see the point, but in one's personal life I think it's just lazyandslightly vulgar.

YelloDraw · 21/12/2016 18:29

I think people should broadcast their charitable donations on Facebook

Me too. It makes you think 'oh yesI haven;t donated to [x] recently, I should donate'.

fourquenelles · 21/12/2016 18:32

There are some mealey mouthed views on this thread. I support dog rescue charities and give a lot of time and money to them throughut the year. Most of my FB friends are dog world related and are spread throughout the world. Every year I wish all my FB friends a merry chrismas from me and my 3 rescue dogs and say that I will be donating the money I would have spent on cards to the charities. I hope that I may encourage at least one other person to do the same as every penny counts.

If you are a FB friend of mine and don't like it or think I am attention seeking then you have the ability to unfollow, block, pass over, unfriend or just raise an eyebrow - just as I have been doing recently with all the posts about "read and share or you don't care about cancer".

fourquenelles · 21/12/2016 18:33

sorry have a sticky keyboard that misses random letters Sad

LuluJakey1 · 21/12/2016 18:34

I do it and give £100 to a charity - split between Save the Children and a local animal shelter. I also spend all our Sainsbury's points from the year on food for the local animal shelter at Christmas. I don't care if anyone thinks I don't do it or does not approve. Christmas cards are a waste of money and paper and time to me and I would rather the money benefitted a cause I care about.

shazza99 · 21/12/2016 18:36

Hands up who knows any men who agonise over this?

None? I thought not.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 21/12/2016 18:43

shazza

My hand is up

Its my dad

He is in his 70's though so a different generation

My husband and my children couldnt give a shiney shit [smile

EdithWeston · 21/12/2016 18:59

On the theme of wifework, I've dumped doing the writing/pressie buying/generally thinking about Christmas contact with all DH's family, and told him that it's his job.

He had already had a bit of an eye opener a few years ago when I told him that it was his turn to do all the cards and I expected it to include all the usual list or for him to explain who he was missing off and why. He hadn't a clue who kept in touch with, albeit loosely, even when they were from 'his' side.

I thought I'd pruned my Christmas card list to about 30. But by telling DH to sort his own, it's under 24 (didn't use up both books of stamps).

I give to charity year round, plus extra donations to a couple of specific Christmas appeals.

I wouldn't dream of announcing donations. That's vulgar (not a popular way of putting it, so if virtue-signalling is the modern term for vulgar in this context, I'll go for it).

Describing your year round activities (like volunteering your time to a dog rescue) isn't virtue signalling. It's a normal Round Robin.

LottieDoubtie · 21/12/2016 20:03

I pruned my list to under 30 this year too- and didn't include any of 'DHs' side (except His mum- because I was too cowardly to ditch her!!) as the cards have rolled in I've said 'oh that's another one for you to reciprocate dear' Grin I've quite enjoyed it, and he's done about 50% of those I would ordinarily have done, so those that really matter are sorted! He did his boss at the speed of light Grin

Electrolens · 21/12/2016 22:38

I really think that those who consider Christmas cards a waste of time and money could think of those who receiving a card means an awful lot to.

I get so much pleasure and feel less isolated through those I receive.

icy121 · 21/12/2016 22:45

People who announce they give to charity IRL - crass. I have the means to give some £ to charity and send cards, so I sent the cards and gave the money. Have told no one IRL cos I'd sound like a fucking dick.

LouisvilleLlama · 21/12/2016 22:46

I've gotta say one of my fondest memories of my 25+ years of living was a card I got from friends when I was 18, if they thought it was a waste then I wouldn't have had the card and felt like I properly belonged and was accepted for the first time in ~7 years

SimonLeBonOnAndOn · 21/12/2016 22:48

I don't send cards ( waste of money, hate receiving them as untidy and wasteful - go straight into recycling bin)
I do announce it on Facebook and did screenshot my donation to charity as I think there was a post on here querying if people actually do donate.