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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner doesn't want me to be on fb?

143 replies

Breakingbadjesse · 20/12/2016 20:23

So basically I re opened my fb account a few months ago. He isn't on there, that I know of - he thinks it's pointless.
He particularly doesn t like a pic I have as my profile pic, I am wearing my favourite dress and it shows a little cleavage. Which is easily done as i am quite large chested. Big deal.
People have commented positively just saying things like 'beautiful' etc. Admittedly the majority males :/
However he has gone insane, saying i am 'hoeing' myself and that the men on fb should start paying the bills!
I know I could solve this by taking the pic down but surely he is just being unreasonable? Or am I?
And then what else will he start trying to be controlling with?
Also, for context the rest of my fb is basically just pics of the kids and stuff. I hardly think I am Kylie Jenner for example!
I have noticed a few red flags with him recently :( we have been together a long time, if I am being unfair I will happily jump off my high horse! And be hugely embarrassed. Just need some objectivity.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:

MummyStep123 · 20/12/2016 23:51

I wouldn't be okay with being called a slut, no.

MummyStep123 · 20/12/2016 23:52

Okay I have obv missed some major parts here! Re-reading now

Ginkypig · 20/12/2016 23:53

Mummy calling her a slut and telling her that the men should be paying her bills not to mention the rest of what else he's said is not simple jealousy and if you think it is then you might need to do research into the difference.

MummyStep123 · 20/12/2016 23:55

No need to be so patronising ginky

MummyStep123 · 20/12/2016 23:55

I've clearly just said above being called a slut is not okay.

Daisyfrumps · 21/12/2016 00:03

Mummy - I've also just read back through the whole thread and have read all of your comments where you have attempted to blame Jesse for her partner's awful behaviour.

You wondered if Jesse re-opened her FB page because she was looking for some male attention and deliberately posted a sexy pic.

I'd be interested to read your conclusions after a re-read of Jesse's posts a little closer :)

MummyStep123 · 21/12/2016 00:13

I missed the comments about being called embarrassing and looking like a slut - which is not acceptable in any way at all.
I was not "blaming" OP for her partners behaviour but rather was reading into it as she'd already decided to leave him and was just using the Facebook argument as an excuse. I thought it strange to be "deciding" your future with your partner based on what people on a thread were saying to a one sided story and was therefore playing devils advocate.
However upon reading the page of comments I missed - which seems to be where most of the info has come out - I can see that OH has actually suggested that himself among other things. And I'm going to be honest even though I said it I certainly would flip my lid if my OH said something like that to me!

Daisyfrumps · 21/12/2016 00:18

I think people often post as a kind of 'final check' just to make completely sure they're doing the right thing / thinking clearly. Certainly with an emotionally abusive partner your thinking can be skewed as that's their intention. The longer it goes on the more you start questioning yourself and losing grip on reality in a way. It's kind of amazing that posters have MN as a relatively safe space to reflect on things in this way.

MummyStep123 · 21/12/2016 00:20

CondensedMilkSarnies · 21/12/2016 00:30

My first thought is , he's having an affair and doesn't want the OW contacting you on FB .

altiara · 21/12/2016 00:47

OP, Normally I'd agree - leave the picture up but his reaction is so over the top I was wondering if you did change your picture to one of you with DP- i.e. Sending the message to those potential bill paying men that they'll have to wait. If he's having an affair, this could possibly show his hand that he doesn't want his picture on FB.

jeeperdoo · 21/12/2016 01:47

It doesn't really matter what the potential ulterior motives for posting a (possibly uncharacteristically?) "revealing" picture of oneself might be. (Not saying that's the case! Just what-iffing here.)

Even if she intentionally posted a slightly flirty picture for the express purpose of receiving sexually-charged responses, her partner's reaction speaks to some serious problems. A respectful, loving partner is more likely to start off with something like, "Hey, I feel kinda insecure and worried because I'm seeing this as you giving a signal ... am I misinterpreting this or is there something in our relationship we need to hash out?" This guy comes out guns blazing, calling her vicious names and making nasty accusations that are all grounded in some super creepy assumptions about women.

jeeperdoo · 21/12/2016 01:51

Also, holy crap, ten million comments happened in the few minutes I spent trying to write mine!

RoseGoldHippie · 21/12/2016 05:48

Haven't read the full thread (sorry!) but from your second post, if my partner randomly woke up one day and changed his behaviour towards me that dramatically, I would think he has something to hide himself and is projecting his guilt.

I really hope you are ok and get out. You should never allow anyone to control you like this!

NameChange30 · 21/12/2016 08:35

Most of the responses have been sensible and supportive but there have been a few fucking idiotic ones. If the topic was less important it wouldn't matter too much but this woman is in an abusive relationship FFS. Read the OP's posts and think before posting.

OP, if you are willing to consider getting this thread moved or starting a new one, I think you would get lots of excellent advice and support in the Relationships section.

pklme · 21/12/2016 09:14

I think he may have misplayed a game that until now he has been doing well. He has groomed you to accept his opinion of friends etc, but slightly overshot with the FB so you have noticed. With hindsight you may see loads of other things he has been doing over the years, things which are currently your normal, but should not be.

Willow2016 · 21/12/2016 09:38

Ok I am confused.

Breaking is posting pictures of her kids so her friends and family can see them yet she is 'doing something to herself ' by doing what millions of people do every day. WHAT exactly is she 'doing to herself'? She has every right to do this as they are her kids.

He oh isnt bothered about the kids!!!!!! He is only bothered by her photo! So why bring it up in the first place?

Her photo is of herself in a dress wow send the porn police in now! Imagine a woman in a dress. Friends have 'liked' it, what a slutty madam! Asking for it she is... ban dresses immediately (clutches pearls)

I also suspect her oh has something to hide on FB he doesnt want her finding out. I would be hunting to see if he had a FB account or similar and find out what he was up to.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/12/2016 10:30

The comments are of course vile. Ho and slut?

But I'm wondering if it's really the dress, or does he want you off FB? Sounds really familiar - friend's DH suddenly started making disparaging comments about her social media accounts, that they are so stupid and she should not use them. The reason was that he was up to no good and did not want potential other women to find our he was married with DC.

Do you have any pictures of him on your profile? Any mention of 'married to xx'? Has he complained?

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