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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner doesn't want me to be on fb?

143 replies

Breakingbadjesse · 20/12/2016 20:23

So basically I re opened my fb account a few months ago. He isn't on there, that I know of - he thinks it's pointless.
He particularly doesn t like a pic I have as my profile pic, I am wearing my favourite dress and it shows a little cleavage. Which is easily done as i am quite large chested. Big deal.
People have commented positively just saying things like 'beautiful' etc. Admittedly the majority males :/
However he has gone insane, saying i am 'hoeing' myself and that the men on fb should start paying the bills!
I know I could solve this by taking the pic down but surely he is just being unreasonable? Or am I?
And then what else will he start trying to be controlling with?
Also, for context the rest of my fb is basically just pics of the kids and stuff. I hardly think I am Kylie Jenner for example!
I have noticed a few red flags with him recently :( we have been together a long time, if I am being unfair I will happily jump off my high horse! And be hugely embarrassed. Just need some objectivity.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Daisyfrumps · 20/12/2016 22:12

Whether he is cheating or not I can't imagine staying and having this behaviour escalate

Indeed. Good for you. -Don't change your profile pic on FB to a burka-

Daisyfrumps · 20/12/2016 22:13

-Don't change your profile pic on FB to a burka

Miserylovescompany2 · 20/12/2016 22:16

MummyStep123

If someone commented on a picture of my partner, I'd think they had fabulous taste. It's a comment, nothing more and nothing less. People shouldn't walk around on egg shells in fear of someone because they've done something that might displease another? That's CONTROL! That's being CONTROLLED! No happy ending :(

Original poster
Breakingbadjesse · 20/12/2016 22:20

I have been considering leaving him and i thought to myself if the majority opinion is that he is wrong about the fb pic thing i will.
He has been going on about it for a couple of weeks now and every conversation seems to be about it. It has brought me down.
So yes I think I just needed some objective opinions from other women.
And I am really glad i am not being all the things he has said and that it is in fact him being unreasonable.
It has helped me see my situation much clearer.
I honestly don't think i would mind with the roles reversed. I assume mostly ppl like things on fb out of politeness anyway

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 20/12/2016 22:22

No one decides to end a relationship just because people (especially strangers on the internet) tell them to, but sometimes you just need someone else to confirm what you already know deep down. Keep listening to your instinct... and us Wink

Flowers
MercuryInRetrograde · 20/12/2016 22:28

it's nothing personal, he just hates women. The comment about other men ''paying your bills'' is bizarre. Like somebody says, he pays the bills so he gets to own you/your body?
Dividing women in to sluts and non-sluts would be enough for me. Madonna / whore complex. So misogynist. No such categorisation for men I'm sure.

MercuryInRetrograde · 20/12/2016 22:29

Exactly AnotherEmma.

Miserylovescompany2 · 20/12/2016 22:34

...he'll be continuing to keep you down/wear you out in a last effort to keep his HOST!

Be prepared for begging/pleading/and systematically having each and every single one of your buttons pressed.

He will try and make you look like the one in the wrong (smear campaign)

He will attempt to control you using the sympathy card (your children)

Stay strong and stand your corner. Get all your ducks in a line so you are prepared for all that will come.

Do you have family support OP?

MummyStep123 · 20/12/2016 22:36

Fair enough, I can see where you are coming from but I honestly think if OP has been thinking of leaving him for a while then his insecurity potentially is with reason.
I certainly don't want to control my DH, but can't help the fact that if he put up a rather sexy pic and loads of women commented I'd be thinking "WTF you playing at" Grin

Miserylovescompany2 · 20/12/2016 22:39

MummyStep123

If he was wearing nothing other than a smile and cupping his meat & two veg, them, YES...you'd be right to think WTF!!!

Daisyfrumps · 20/12/2016 22:41

a rather sexy pic

OP didn't post a sexy pic. She posted a picture of herself in a dress.

MummyStep123 · 20/12/2016 22:46

Haha misery, I was thinking some sort of sexy cowboy pose, but yes both would be questionable.
I'm just saying, in all honesty has OP opened the page again knowing she is planning to leave DP and looking for some male attention? Sorry I know that sounds harsh I can't find a better way to say it.
I certainly don't get many males commenting on my Facebook photos - maybe they're just not that into me Shock

Princesspinkgirl · 20/12/2016 22:46

Leave him red flag 📌☠☢

Ginkypig · 20/12/2016 22:48

He hasn't changed overnight.

He sounds like he has quietly been doing this with you for a long time, but it's been abstract and hard to see for what it is like your disliking friends.

you have shown why he's "been ok" by saying I live like a nun.

So infact he hasn't changed he has reacted when you have done somthing other than that, in this circumstance it's facebook but it could easily have been a night out or a weekend away with the girls or meeting a new friend and mentioning them to him.
My opinion is that because it's an overt choice to reopen facebook esp given that it opens a world of other people to you independent from him. he is trying to get you back to isolation as soon as possible so you don't see his behaviour as not ok

His behaviour is absolutely vile and unacceptable
Calling you names
Putting you down
Making claims about your sexual promiscuity
Controlling what pictures you share
Trying to isolate you from friends
Comparing you to a prostitute
"Brick walling you"

And that list is what I see without even trying!

1horatio · 20/12/2016 22:53

I personally would be upset about the pictures of DD on fb and would wonder why you wanted to do that to yourself.

But it's your choice (the pictures of you, not of your children).
He sounds controlling.

Daisyfrumps · 20/12/2016 22:57

Why 1horatio? Why are you passing judgement on someone wanting to share pictures with their friends and family?

ThisThingCalledLife · 20/12/2016 22:58

saying i am 'hoeing' myself and that the men on fb should start paying the bills!

That and the other comments about you being 'slutty', he's equating your value to that of a hooker! Xmas Angry

In his head he sees you as his 'property'.
Slowly isolating you from trusted friends, controlling your socialising - be that in person or via social media...it's all a careful and methodical plan. You're not meant to 'notice' when or how the dynamic changes, he wants you waking up feeling like this is your life and it's normal.

Get back in touch with your friends - it's christmas! Xmas Grin

1horatio · 20/12/2016 23:00

frumps

Personal pictures? No problem at all, the op could pose naked on facebooked with (or without...) a figleave... I just don't get the point, as stated above.

But no, nobody is allowed to put pictures of DD on facebook. I'm not sure how that is judgy?

AntiGrinch · 20/12/2016 23:01

" i am 'hoeing' myself and that the men on fb should start paying the bills!"

this is disgusting; he is saying he supports you in return for sexual access, and the men who have seen the pictures of you have received sexual access they should pay for, rather than him.

Daisyfrumps · 20/12/2016 23:03

1horatio - you said "I personally would be upset about the pictures of DD on fb"

Do you mean the OP's pictures of her children?

1horatio · 20/12/2016 23:05

What? No.

I meant my own DD.

Although, tbh, I do think putting personal pictures of children on fb (especially anything they could be embarrassed about later) is a bit of an infringement on their private life. But that's just me.

Original poster
Breakingbadjesse · 20/12/2016 23:11

What does having my children's pics on fb have to do with anything??

OP posts:
Daisyfrumps · 20/12/2016 23:12

I'm confused... Maybe it's me... What's your DD got to do with anything?

and would wonder why you wanted to do that to yourself.

Do what?

Daisyfrumps · 20/12/2016 23:13

(my reply above is to Horatio btw)

Original poster
Breakingbadjesse · 20/12/2016 23:13

1horatio

"I personally would be upset about the pictures of DD on fb and would wonder why you wanted to do that to yourself."

Sorry i don't understand this.

OP posts: