To be upset not to get a present?

[indoorfleece]

My dp moved to be with me 1 year ago and now has a 2.5h commute each way for work, 4 days a week (1 day a week from home). He leaves the house at 730 every morning and is home 830ish. I have a 15 min cycle to work, work full time (9-6ish), plus do out of hours on calls (24h shift once a week, can sleep at home as close to work, 1 in 6 weekends), and have a teaching commitment one evening a fortnight approx.

I do all of the housework, washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, gardening, laundry and primarily manage bills and admin (we're buying a house and planning a wedding so no mean feat). We both pretend that this is because of his commute but I feel like a big part is because he's never really had to do this stuff and when he does takes 5h to do a job that takes 5 mins. I'm aware that by just getting on with it (I'm efficient and have always been a coper) I'm making the situation worse but he's finding his travelling so hard I don't want to stress him more. Generally I don't resent it too much.

Anyway, being organised, I've found out what he wants for Christmas and have bought presents. Knowing he's disorganised, I've mentioned many things I might like for Christmas. Last year he'd bought me a short trip (we'd both planned) but gave me nothing on the day (we were at his parents house for the first time). Afterwards, I explained that, rightly or wrongly, I'd felt hurt at not having even a small surprise token to unwrap. This morning as he was leaving for work he told me he was feeling really bad and was very sorry but hadn't got me anything for Christmas. I said "fine don't worry about it". He then brought up last year and I said "well what else can I say really?". He then went to work.

I'm not really a materialistic person but a present would've shown me that he has thought about me, considered what I'd like and has done something small to spoil me a bit so I'm feeling hurt. He's a very lovely (if infuriatingly disorganised) guy who was brought up in a very frugal and practical household so I can see how this has happened.

Should I bring it up as it's something important to me, even though he won't have chance to sort it out now, it will just cause an atmosphere pre-Christmas, or let it go? Am I being spoiled?

It really should not be stressful to buy gifts for the woman you love enough to marry!

He still has plenty of time to get you a present though. I was in Oxford St last night and it wasn't even too crowded - most people have gone home for Christmas already.

The sales start Thursday and there's late night shopping then, so he could even get it tomorrow.

Jesus, definitely raise it! And while you're at it, you need to do something about this totally unequal situation regarding housework as well! You're making a huge rod for your own back otherwise. What happens when you're ill? Or when you get the opportunity of a lifetime and your attention needs to be away from the home?

It doesn't have to be a row or "stessful" for him - you can just figure out something that works for both of you.

My DH works long hours - similar to yours - with a great deal of responsibility, dealing with difficult people, and managing a large department. He still helps out around the house.

I used to say 'Don't worry, it's fine' when my ex failed to get me Christmas presents too. He worked longish and sometimes antisocial hours, and each time he said 'I'm really sorry, I've been so busy with work that I just haven't had time to sort anything out for you.'

Like you, I was disappointed, but said 'Don't worry, it's fine'.

When I mentioned this (in passing, not even to moan) to my mum she said 'Er ... what does he mean, he hasn't had time? He's had A WHOLE YEAR.'

And she was totally right. Christmas doesn't come as a surprise; like my ex, your partner has had ample opportunity to prepare. He can shop online, he can pop out at lunchtime. It's one day a year that he has to prepare for and one thing that he has to do for you. One.

Furthermore, he knew that last year you were upset not to have anything to open. So why hasn't he pulled his finger out this time?

Tell him that no, it's not fine. Tell him that you totally understand that his commute is tough, but that it doesn't leave him entirely without access to shops and/or the internet, and that you are really hurt that he couldn't spare half an hour for something that he knows is important to you. This isn't even really about the presents, it's about the fact that he needs to step up and be more mindful of your feelings. You need to nip this in the bud before he starts thinking this is OK when it's very much not. Expecting a gift on Christmas Day is not asking a lot of him, and if he works in the effing West End he could almost certainly pick up pretty much anything you'd want in the space of an hour at lunchtime - he's still got four days to go.

If the expectation is on you getting mutual presents, there's no excuse for the lack of effort. Does he drive to work? If not that's alot of time sitting on his butt during which he could have amazon'd or otherwise ordered you a present.
DH has admitted he hasn't got me a "big" present yet (as he has no idea hat to get, nor i) so has given me £100 towards a new phone i need. It might not be a diamond necklace but he's still thought about what to do about his lack of organisation and i know he'll have got me something to open on the da.

You need to tell him it isn't about the present per se, it's about being thought about and considered

I find the struggling with stress an excuse, especially after last year. Dh and I are both very tired atm and he's struggling with stress and sickness. At the start of December he straight away said 'we are both stressed and busy, shall we just get a token present - chocolates or something- and then chose a joint present like a weekend away, after Christmas.

I find it a bit of a fob off and to guilt you for brining it up.

He should be doing some household things with you, in your joint free time but you won't raise that now will you? In case you stress him more. Clever...

It's not like Christmas is a surprise.

OP are you a doctor? Your hours and contract sound very familiar!

Whatever you're doing, managing a house on top of those hours is tough. My DH is a doctor on an identical shift pattern to you, and I have a 2h commute. We have a toddler. We split the house work pretty much equally. It sounds like there's a lot your DH-to-be needs to address to help to make himself a bit happier.

Incidentally quite a bit of my commute is by train. That can be quite productive time, could your partner use it better? Maybe if he got a 4g tablet? Either for job hunting or life / wedding admin?

I've re-read your original post and you've given him ideas and he still hasn't got you anything?! Erm why is this? It's not like you've said you want a present and he has to guess. It really sounds like you do the work. All of it. He does his job and that's it. Sounds a lot like my dh. Except he keeps an eye on the money as he's very money conscious. I resent my dh hugely! If he is like this now he won't change.

People will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. No excuses these days with t'internet. Tell him to get his arse in gear, if not, on his bike!

One way to approach this would be to return his gift and just let him know that he will not be getting a thing either, with your job, the house work, wedding and mortgage stuff. You've just not had time for him. See how he reacts.

FFS the OP has explained where she is with her dp. I am sure she doesnt need people banging on about it now. If she is happy, let it be. Only she knows the dynamics of her relationship in reality and the decision to move on from it is hers now, without or with in this case with her partner. The end.

He was looking for permission to not bother. I'm glad you've talked to him. If he's commuting through a major London rail station most of those have nice shops so he wouldn't even have to go out of his way, just think a bit!

Maybe he thinks that HE IS the 'gift'. No need to buy you anything as you should be grateful that he is going to marry you?
Run for the hills!

I strongly suspect the op won't be back now as she has justified, in her mind, her DP's arseholery

Marry him at your peril.

Sorry, not time to read all the comments but read your opening post and follow up posts and a few replies.

So, he works a lot, and you work a fair amount too, but you do everything and he cannot be arsed to buy you a gift and has prepared you for that fact in advance so you don't make a fuss.

I understand you love him and are happy so carry on as you are, I am sure you will. BUT

"We discussed it last night, I raised it in the context of "what can I say if you tell me you haven't got me a present and know I'll be upset?". He was then upset, upset he'd upset me and that I didn't feel like he considered me (and does not understand how a small present would demonstrate that better than the other ways he's considerate)."

So he manged to make you feel guilty for saying what you felt. He was upset, poor boy, and has managed to turn the tables on you so instead of it being about his failings, it is about you making him upset.

Clever.

My dh does that a bit. I love him to bits but I am aware of it. It's a bit passive aggressive to me. Just keep an eye on it.

Just remember how the conversation made you feel... " I feel like a bit of a dick but an overall happy to have discussed it."

He sounds a bit fragile if he is so stressed, living and working so far apart really is a recipe for disaster. I hope you find a suitable way forward.

I think the present may be the tip of the ice berg.

But I wish you well and hope you can find a good plan.

I haven't finished reading the whole thread but people treat us the way we allow them to. My DH was a terrible gift giver when I first met him (a learned behaviour - his mother still is). After two miserable xmases and one horrendous birthday I sat him down and explained that gifts are a measure of our esteem and love. That the term "it's the thought that counts" is never so important as when there is absolutely no thought and that there are two occasions each year when I will expect him to show me his love and esteem via a gift - not necessarily an expensive one but a thoughtful one - my birthday and Christmas. I also explained that he would be responsible for teaching our children this lesson by helping them choose gifts for my birthday and Mother's Day. He doesn't always get it right, he actually usually goes right OTT but I try to focus on the thought and realise that his grand gestures are his way of showing me how MUCH he cares.

I think your DP needs this talk and if he isn't prepared to listen and change his ways then you need to seriously consider your long term relationship status.

PLEASE don't marry him as things are. It's ok to spend a lot of time living together first. Working out all this stuff.

How old are you both?
Will there be kids? Or are there already?
How does he commute? Is it public transport? Car? Train?
How reasonable is his studied incompetence if you actually need him?
Is he actually capable of doing any of the family thinking?

WTF is he struggling with when he's got you doing all the wifework and making his life run like clockwork. I think he might feel better if he contributed to the house a little more with some cooking, cleaning, shopping and DIY.

I'm sorry, but I agree with the rest of the thread. Your needs are not even on his radar,and that is a poor start to any marriage. Yes you need to be more assertive, and stop say something is fine when it user, but I wish I'd had a Mumsnet back in the day... if your needs and feelings don't figure for him now, and he turns it back on you when you discuss it, instead of apologising, promising to do better in the future -AND carrying that through...then I fear you will end up a drudge and resenting him massively.

Been there, got the T shirt.

Very good post Italiangreyhound. Also the poster who said " people will treat us how we allow them to."

Really think this through op and for God's sake don't rush into having children with this man. As yet another excellent poster said he has managed to turn this round from him being at fault for not getting you a present to you being at fault for upsetting him!

Hmmm ......I think I see a red flag waving over there in the distance....

Naicehamshop thank you.

As people have mentioned kids I think it is important to think how this would feature in your relationship. Will you be expected to do everything for them? And him? You may find your enjoyment of life is eroded if you are doing everything.

New Year is a good time to change jobs, lots of people do it.

It is not too late to buy your dp this book for Christmas, it is fab.

what color is your parachute

if you google around it is available as a PDF from 2012 too.

He's an arsehole, sorry. There's no excuse for not buying someone a gift for Xmas unless you are stranded on an island in the outer hebrides with no wi-fi, or that you just don't give enough of a shit. You deserve much better.

I strongly suspect the op won't be back now as she has justified, in her mind, her DP's arseholery

Absolutely.
Anyway OP, I urge you to read some of the threads in relationships. That's some set-up he has going for himself.