To be upset not to get a present?

[indoorfleece]

My dp moved to be with me 1 year ago and now has a 2.5h commute each way for work, 4 days a week (1 day a week from home). He leaves the house at 730 every morning and is home 830ish. I have a 15 min cycle to work, work full time (9-6ish), plus do out of hours on calls (24h shift once a week, can sleep at home as close to work, 1 in 6 weekends), and have a teaching commitment one evening a fortnight approx.

I do all of the housework, washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, gardening, laundry and primarily manage bills and admin (we're buying a house and planning a wedding so no mean feat). We both pretend that this is because of his commute but I feel like a big part is because he's never really had to do this stuff and when he does takes 5h to do a job that takes 5 mins. I'm aware that by just getting on with it (I'm efficient and have always been a coper) I'm making the situation worse but he's finding his travelling so hard I don't want to stress him more. Generally I don't resent it too much.

Anyway, being organised, I've found out what he wants for Christmas and have bought presents. Knowing he's disorganised, I've mentioned many things I might like for Christmas. Last year he'd bought me a short trip (we'd both planned) but gave me nothing on the day (we were at his parents house for the first time). Afterwards, I explained that, rightly or wrongly, I'd felt hurt at not having even a small surprise token to unwrap. This morning as he was leaving for work he told me he was feeling really bad and was very sorry but hadn't got me anything for Christmas. I said "fine don't worry about it". He then brought up last year and I said "well what else can I say really?". He then went to work.

I'm not really a materialistic person but a present would've shown me that he has thought about me, considered what I'd like and has done something small to spoil me a bit so I'm feeling hurt. He's a very lovely (if infuriatingly disorganised) guy who was brought up in a very frugal and practical household so I can see how this has happened.

Should I bring it up as it's something important to me, even though he won't have chance to sort it out now, it will just cause an atmosphere pre-Christmas, or let it go? Am I being spoiled?

If he doesn't care enough now to MAKE THE EFFORT to think of something and purchase it twice a year for your birthday & Christmas you do realise that he will never do anything THINKING in your relationship.

I suggest you tell him you want 2 gifts for Christmas something very nice that he goes and chooses and then a copy of "wifework"

You need to tell him when he returns tonight that on reflection, actually, you're not ok with it and you're looking forward to him buying you X, Y or Z as he has plenty of time to organise that before Sunday.

Does he drive his commute? Does he drive his commute? If he gets a train/bus, then that's 2.5 hours of shopping time he's got right there - Amazon on his phone and the job is done
It literally takes 10 minutes to order someone a present online, even have it giftwrapped and delivered to your door, so if money is not the issue what he's really saying is 'I don't think you are worth even 10 minutes worth of effort/thinking about'

As Frouby says...

He is saying 'sorry you aren't worth an hour mooch around the shops, or a 10 minute online order or even an ebay account. And i am making you make that ok.'

Don't put up with this. If you REALLY want to do something for someone and you are able to... you make time, put in extra effort, ensure you do it.

He can't be arsed and has refused 2 years in a row to make the effort for someone he's supposed to love.

Lazy fecker should get out his fecking bubble and buy you a present.

I hope he's just saying this, so that you don't expect a present but then he actually produces an amazing one!
Otherwise he is a complete ass...

Is there any chance he's saying this to then surprise you with a gift on the day? It just strikes me as really odd that someone who works 5 mins from Oxford St would have had the thought 'I haven't yet bought my DP a gift', then not have the immediate following thought 'but there are still four shopping days before Christmas so thank goodness I've remembered in time'.

That aside (I'm being optimistic for you!) the fact that the majority of your op is about the unequal division of household tasks etc rather than the gift issue itself tells me that you're not happy about your relationship overall and this is just another thing that's tipped you over the edge.

You need to tell him it's not okay and you find his lack of thought hurtful. You can be frugal and still get someone a thoughtful gift.

You need to spell it out for him! Tell him you saw something you can get on amazon, give him a list, suggest places you know he can get to. When my DH was working on Oxford Street he got on the tube at lunch and went to Harrods just to buy me a replacement key ring my Nan got me.

My DH was working 3 hours away and it was hard work and I did literally do everything, but he did at least try and help. DH has said 'don't worry about getting me anything for Christmas' but I cannot bring myself not to. I know he will get me something, because for 5 years I went without due to money and putting everyone else first and got really upset when my parents literally did nothing for my 30th when they did SO much for my brother's.

Yes sometimes men are complete planks, and they do need it spelling out to them letter by letter.

You realise he's set a precedent now and you won't get a present again. And you've told him you're ok with that.

You've told him it's ok when it's not. Why did you do that? He's lazy and selfish. He works round the corner from Oxford Street and couldn't spend ten minutes at lunch to get you something?! Jokes! I ordered something off Amazon for a birthday tomorrow-took me about three minutes after searching the item to change the delivery address to the birthday boy's. Done.

I think you need serious words, and not just about the ridiculous lack of present which he could have resolved in seconds.

Don't say it's fine if it isn't!!!

When I was a child it was utterly normal (if crazy) to do your shopping on Christmas Eve. Pre internet and credit cards. As I said before get out of his fecking bubble. I had an ex like this when I was in my early 20s. An ex.

Christ. Do not have children with this man. He sounds like a selfish bellend. The house stuff should be split 50/50. And please don't give him any presents. When he asks, just look confused and tell him you thought you weren't exchanging presents...

I said this shit was fine. Stupid me.

Why didn't you say, 'I would like you to at least buy me a box of chocolates'?

I don't get it.

If this was me and my DH:

I'd wait for him to come home. I would give him his dinner and allow him to eat it. I would then talk to him and explain that I have created an Amazon wish list and expect him to order something from it.

It's not about money, it's about effort & thought.

He just sounds like he can't be arsed.

Some people are very literal (especially when it suits them). If you told him it's fine you cannot reasonably expect him to know that you meant the exact opposite.

When he gets home tonight be honest with him. Tell him it hurts your feelings and makes you feel unloved. Show him an Amazon wish list of some things you would like and tell him you don't want to feel as bad as you did last year.

Learn from my mistakes. I wish I had spoken out in the first years of my marriage instead of seething with PA resentment for a shamefully long period of time.

Yes, really he should be getting you a small gift - not because everyone should be presents but because it is important to you and you have communicated this to him and so it should be important to him. However I think you need to be careful to not send him mixed messages by saying it's fine when it isn't. He must get lunch breaks and he could buy you a gift but is it a deal breaker. Only you can decide that but I would decide now as it will cause heartache in 10 years time if he hasn't changed and you still say it's fine when it isn't.

Thanks to everyone for helping me to get some perspective on this. It's not fine, I suppose I said that because I was rushing round getting ready, not at all surprised and couldn't be bothered to fight about it. No excuse though. Also I don't want a present I've instructed someone to get, I wanted the warm feeling of knowing I'd been thought about.

Perhaps I'm an optimist but are you sure he wasn't pulling your leg??

You know it doesn't get better when you're married. Better to have him sort his shit out now than let it fester and you end up hating him.
I kno people say "don't sweat the small stuff" but those are things that make the difference between a good marriage and a rotten one.
Send him this.
what I really mean

I agree. It sounds like he cant be arsed. He is getting in there, so you don't expect anything and so he doesn't feel guilty. It all seems very one sided to me. His side. I have to agree. You need to seriously rethink this relationship. At the very least you need to discuss how you feel about this and other things in this relationship. I think there are bigger issues. Sounds like the tip of the iceberg.

Think hard before you marry him. He commutes and you work but do everything else. If he doesn't help now he never ever will!!!! I have a dh like this and the resent has steadily built!

He hasn't bought you a gift because he didn't care enough to do so.

He has had time. He still has time. He doesn't care enough.

And he lets you do absolutely everything while he does nothing. Is he punishing you for his move? Because that's what it sounds like.

I hope you're not planning to have children until his lack of contribution to the household/relationship, other than his commute/job which you also have, is addressed.