To be upset not to get a present?

[indoorfleece]

My dp moved to be with me 1 year ago and now has a 2.5h commute each way for work, 4 days a week (1 day a week from home). He leaves the house at 730 every morning and is home 830ish. I have a 15 min cycle to work, work full time (9-6ish), plus do out of hours on calls (24h shift once a week, can sleep at home as close to work, 1 in 6 weekends), and have a teaching commitment one evening a fortnight approx.

I do all of the housework, washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, gardening, laundry and primarily manage bills and admin (we're buying a house and planning a wedding so no mean feat). We both pretend that this is because of his commute but I feel like a big part is because he's never really had to do this stuff and when he does takes 5h to do a job that takes 5 mins. I'm aware that by just getting on with it (I'm efficient and have always been a coper) I'm making the situation worse but he's finding his travelling so hard I don't want to stress him more. Generally I don't resent it too much.

Anyway, being organised, I've found out what he wants for Christmas and have bought presents. Knowing he's disorganised, I've mentioned many things I might like for Christmas. Last year he'd bought me a short trip (we'd both planned) but gave me nothing on the day (we were at his parents house for the first time). Afterwards, I explained that, rightly or wrongly, I'd felt hurt at not having even a small surprise token to unwrap. This morning as he was leaving for work he told me he was feeling really bad and was very sorry but hadn't got me anything for Christmas. I said "fine don't worry about it". He then brought up last year and I said "well what else can I say really?". He then went to work.

I'm not really a materialistic person but a present would've shown me that he has thought about me, considered what I'd like and has done something small to spoil me a bit so I'm feeling hurt. He's a very lovely (if infuriatingly disorganised) guy who was brought up in a very frugal and practical household so I can see how this has happened.

Should I bring it up as it's something important to me, even though he won't have chance to sort it out now, it will just cause an atmosphere pre-Christmas, or let it go? Am I being spoiled?

I really wouldn't marry him and not because I didn't get a present. He lets you do everything around the house (lazy fucker), and is doing the same thing that you told him upset you last year (ignorant fucker). He will not change. I've read before on here, he's telling you who he is so listen to him.

Also I don't want a present I've instructed someone to get, I wanted the warm feeling of knowing I'd been thought about.

I suppose this is why you have said fine.
I have older children. They never by me anything normally for either. When it was my 40th, they bought me earrings. I felt my dh had made them. They dont have any meaning to me because of it.

The commute is not sustainable, you don't really seem to have much of a life together - what was the point of him moving in with you?

The declared intention to not bother getting you a present would have me changing the locks, sorry. He sounds selfish. I agree with KayTee

When he gets in this evening, tell him that it isn´t fine, what you will be very upset and that he needs to get his act together.

If you are going to have a life together, you need to be able to tell him how you feel.

Tell him it's not ok. Explain he caught you by surprise and you assumed he was joking since (a) he works beside Oxford St (b) there are still 4 shopping days to Christmas

Then, tell him that his lack of contribution (in every area of your life) isn't ok either.

You deserve thought, consideration and effort in every aspect of your life with him.

YANBU he sound like a selfish arse.
here's what i would do (or fantasise about)

1.Send back any gifts you have bought for him.

1. Buy yourself something, wrap it and open it in front of his family.

1. Make point of saying that you bought your own present because he couldn't be bothered.

You need to lay down some ground rules. There are warning lights and you need to take heed.
He moved in with you. Does he pay half for bills etc? Did he live with his mum before he moved in? He sounds a bit useless really. The commute sounds a bit grim but your work hours aren't really much better are they.

I would write him a text or e-mail saying that you really will mind if you don't get a present and put some suggestions. That or get his mum or sibling to tell him he needs to get you a decent present to unwrap on Xmas day.

Op really. Imagine when you have a child. You will be doing all the housework, all the child rearing, all the family organising and he will show you jonappreciation. At that point you will feel trapped.

Speak to him when he gets home. Clearly. Dont lie again about things that are important to you. Tell him it does matter as it shows he hasnt thought about you. You expect him to acknowledge birthdays, anniversaries, christmas...

See what he does next

Also I don't want a present I've instructed someone to get, I wanted the warm feeling of knowing I'd been thought about.

This. This is why you should think about your relationship too as well as this situation... effort. Thought. Care. Costs nothing. But it sounds like lack of any of these things is a regular occurance.

P.s. for you as this must hurt and be saddening for you too.

Him: 'I'm feeling really bad and I'm sorry, but I haven't got you anything for Christmas.

You: 'oh! Don't worry! You've still got time!'

End of conversation.

I'm going to bring it up tonight when he gets back.

I think another reason I do everything is because before he moved in I lived in this place alone and worked longer hours (some years with a 2.5h commute). I got fitting all of that stuff in down to a fine art so when he moved in and my life happened to get a bit easier too it didn't make any difference to carry on (plus I find it hard to watch him make a hash of stuff). But writing this has made me realise I do resent it so need to bring that up too.

Thanks outnumbered

You have not been truthful with him about your feelings so how is he supposed to know?
You told him it's fine and not to worry about it yet it obviously bothers you.
Just tell him that you want a little gift from him.
My husband had always been hopeless and what I tend to do is put s couple of things away in s shop and let him go in and choose one of them. (I have a thing for leather driving gloves ) so I get a useful surprise!
You sound like you have a really good relationship that could be even better if you have a good talk to each other.

What are your plans for Christmas? If just you and him I would be heading off elsewhere and leaving the joyless git to fend for himself for the day. I certainly wouldn't hand any gifts over unless he gives something (maybe buy a Lynx gift set in case he surprises you with a bunch of forecourt carnations). And during Christmas week I'd be returning his gifts and booting him out.

OP - hes had a whole year to get you something. His working hours and commute are entirely irrelevant. He knows you were upset last yeat. If he genuinely was feeling too bad it's not too late to buy something in person or hit Amazon. Along with a previous poster I suspect this quick admission was his way of testing the water to see if he can get away with it.

I hope to fuck hes joking.

I think YABU. There are lots of other ways you can express love and appreciation for your partner other than getting them an Xmas present. There are more important things in life to worry about.

You need to delegate some things to him in their entirety. Could be household admin (can be done on commute/at work) could be meal planning and on-line food shop. Then he gets on and does it and he sorts out any mess that his incompetence/lack of practice creates.

I'm sure he has some responsible great job so he is more than capable of taking on tasks and thinking of something lovely to buy you as a gift especially when you haven't been together all that long!!!

Patriciathestripper1 she told him last year when he didnt bother. There's no excusing his callousness

Text him and tell him he caught you in the hop and it's not fine, tell what you put in your last post.

And I say text him so you can put it across emotionless and he can digest it.

Then when he gets in ask him if he read your message and understands that you need an effort making.
There's still a shopping day left before Christmas and that's without lunch breaks and online etc.

I strongly suggest you make a plan to start splitting the chores for after Christmas, it's not sustainable to keep doing it all. Well it is but you'll massively resent it and he does get to opt out of normal living just because he commutes and he works near Oxford St then I bet he gets the train so hardly battlingup the M6 in rush hour

There are 4 shopping days til Xmas and this evening for online ordering. He can buy you something if he wants to. Do not become one of the women on here who do everything for dh and dcs and don't so much as get a birthday card in return. No man or relationship is worth this much disregard.

There is still tomorrow, Thursday and Friday and at a push Saturday to get a gift for you. There is simply NO excuse.

It's Tuesday, not 11pm Christmas Eve worra cock!

I really would recommend ironing out these little niggles that are just a mild irritation before you get married, because they'll turn into huge issues eventually.

I would have responded with "Oh - I'll take your gifts back then." Or "Why not?"

You need to put your foot down i'm afraid. You have given him permission to walk all over you. Next time he says something like i havent got you a present, the response is, well you'd better hurry up, you only have 4 days left! Or if he says i havent hoovered downstairs you reply, thats fine, you can do it now while i make dinner DO NOT keep doing everything yourself!

Why has he told you today, 5 days before he even needs to ??!?