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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset not to get a present?

150 replies

indoorfleece · 20/12/2016 19:34

My dp moved to be with me 1 year ago and now has a 2.5h commute each way for work, 4 days a week (1 day a week from home). He leaves the house at 730 every morning and is home 830ish. I have a 15 min cycle to work, work full time (9-6ish), plus do out of hours on calls (24h shift once a week, can sleep at home as close to work, 1 in 6 weekends), and have a teaching commitment one evening a fortnight approx.

I do all of the housework, washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, gardening, laundry and primarily manage bills and admin (we're buying a house and planning a wedding so no mean feat). We both pretend that this is because of his commute but I feel like a big part is because he's never really had to do this stuff and when he does takes 5h to do a job that takes 5 mins. I'm aware that by just getting on with it (I'm efficient and have always been a coper) I'm making the situation worse but he's finding his travelling so hard I don't want to stress him more. Generally I don't resent it too much.

Anyway, being organised, I've found out what he wants for Christmas and have bought presents. Knowing he's disorganised, I've mentioned many things I might like for Christmas. Last year he'd bought me a short trip (we'd both planned) but gave me nothing on the day (we were at his parents house for the first time). Afterwards, I explained that, rightly or wrongly, I'd felt hurt at not having even a small surprise token to unwrap. This morning as he was leaving for work he told me he was feeling really bad and was very sorry but hadn't got me anything for Christmas. I said "fine don't worry about it". He then brought up last year and I said "well what else can I say really?". He then went to work.

I'm not really a materialistic person but a present would've shown me that he has thought about me, considered what I'd like and has done something small to spoil me a bit so I'm feeling hurt. He's a very lovely (if infuriatingly disorganised) guy who was brought up in a very frugal and practical household so I can see how this has happened.

Should I bring it up as it's something important to me, even though he won't have chance to sort it out now, it will just cause an atmosphere pre-Christmas, or let it go? Am I being spoiled?

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 20/12/2016 22:31

I don't understand why any adult would do housework for an able bodied adult.

Do single men with stressful jobs starve and go naked? Of course they don't.

Let him do for himself, christ you work full time and have no kids. Why be a housewife? He's able to work, sure he's able to operate a washing machine.

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2016 22:33

Two things strike me. First no one should need to do a five hour commute daily, so you need to look at your living arrangements, either live apart during the week or find a place more equidistant between both work locations.

Secondly, he told you a week before he hadn't got you a present when he could easily have went and bought you one, so unless he's winding you up, I'd suspect there is some resentment here , possibly he sees it as your home or is struggling with the commute.

I think you need to sit down and talk to one another.because I don't think what you've got going on in terms of living arrangements can work long term, something will give and it may well be your relationship.

MTWTFSS · 21/12/2016 09:00

What did your DP say?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 21/12/2016 09:15

That commute day in and day out would slowly and inexorably destroy me, tbf.

However, he still has time to get you something so actually what he told you was that he can't be bothered.

Original poster

indoorfleece · 21/12/2016 09:41

We discussed it last night, I raised it in the context of "what can I say if you tell me you haven't got me a present and know I'll be upset?". He was then upset, upset he'd upset me and that I didn't feel like he considered me (and does not understand how a small present would demonstrate that better than the other ways he's considerate). He explained he's very stressed at the moment and struggling generally (true) and didn't really think when he brought it up, just said it as something that was on his mind. I think he was hoping that as his dp one way I could support him would be to remove the stress of having to worry about getting me something. I said I know he's struggling, didn't want to add to that, but thought it was important to talk about how I felt. The upshot is he's going to get me something, I feel like a bit of a dick but an overall happy to have discussed it.

In terms of the traveling this is something we discuss endlessly. Basically I'm stuck where we are for the next 4 years (contract) and would have to stay at work a lot more if I didn't live so close. Financially it doesn't make sense to move closer to his work and would mean I couldn't keep on doing all of things I do currently. He's trying to change his job but is finding it difficult to find something closer and doesn't really know what he wants to do.

OP posts:

LottieDoubtie · 21/12/2016 09:49

I think he was hoping that as his dp one way I could support him would be to remove the stress of having to worry about getting me something

In the context of laundry or housework this is dubious- in relation to your Christmas present it makes him a proper arsehole. Don't go down this route please!

dingdongthewitchishere · 21/12/2016 10:07

I am glad you talked.

I think he was hoping that as his dp one way I could support him would be to remove the stress of having to worry about getting me something.

that is pushing it a bit, getting a present is hardly a cause of stress... even if you have to innocently circle items in half a dozen catalogues to give him inspiration!

I feel for any family with such an horrendous commute. He's even lucky he works a day at home, can't he push to make it 2 days? It's not that easy to move closer to work, and it's not that easy to find the right job close to home. It's so exhausting to have such long days, that it's not that simple to focus on looking for jobs when you finally make it home.

Anyway, commute is hell, but it's not a life-threatening disease either. I hope you both find time to exercise, that helps.

ElfOnMyShelf · 21/12/2016 10:21

I used to do his commute, I still managed to get my boyfriend a Christmas present, his family a present and all my family a present.
I also did all the cooking and cleaning.

He's being an arse. It's not ok.

Katy07 · 21/12/2016 10:22

I feel for the DP in terms of the commute, totally. And if he's struggling generally then that's crappy too. And yes some people don't get the concept of presents / giving something. BUT - he knew last year that you were upset with no present and he's had months to think about it. And he's acknowledged last year this time. It's not like Christmas sneaks up silently and then suddenly on December 20th the shops go "Woo hoo! It's nearly Christmas!" It's in your face for weeks / months beforehand. He had plenty of opportunity to do something AND you gave him ideas! He could have sorted something out on any of the 3 days he spends at home a week. It's not like he's doing anything around the house or garden.
I'm not the type to say LTB, quite the opposite, but even I'm thinking "why are you planning on marrying this guy?!!!" I really think you should put your wedding & house-buying plans on hold for now. Wait until he's working closer and you can see what he's really like at doing his share and valuing you.

dowhatnow · 21/12/2016 10:31

Hopefully he realised he's screwed up massively now you've spelled it out. If he does it again, then you have serious issues, but forgive and forget this time given the enormous pressure he's under.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 21/12/2016 11:00

Yeah definitely talk to him OP.

What does he do on weekends?

And in the day he works from home, he could do some chores at lunch/after work - stick a load in the washing machine, cook dinner, wash up etc.

What will it be like if/when you have a kid? You'll have two children to take care of.

Msqueen33 · 21/12/2016 11:05

My dh is stressed constantly and has a lesser commute but puts in a lot of hours. I'm a sahm to three kids and two have got disabilities. His stress seems to make him exempt from helping much of a weekend. I didn't get a present from him or the kids last week. If he can get you a present now factor in the stress of kids and you'll end up resenting him.

MikeUniformMike · 21/12/2016 11:15

How stressful would it be to walk to Oxford Street, pop into a big department store and ask a member of staff to help him find a suitable present? Or pop into a jewellers and buy something like a pair of earrings. Or go online and buy something for your cycling/hobbies?

Rachel0Greep · 21/12/2016 11:15

I think you need to think long and hard before committing any further to this relationship, op.
The present is just one aspect, in my opinion. You will come to resent his lack of contribution to running the home, and even more so, if there are children involved, in the future.
And back on the issue of the present, he has time, surely, either to order online, or get to a shop at some point.
I sympathise with anyone with a huge commute, but I wonder how many get to go home and do nothing to help around the house.
It sounds as if he has a very good set-up, at your expense.

EweAreHere · 21/12/2016 11:20

I'm glad you've talked, but honestly, if he thinks buying you a small gift is a major source of stress ... I don't even know where to begin.

dingdongthewitchishere · 21/12/2016 11:26

Do single men with stressful jobs starve and go naked? Of course they don't.

No, but some single men (and WOMEN) live off take-away, spend a fortune at the dry-cleaner and buy endless new socks/underwear because they don't keep up with the housework, at all. It's expensive and it's unhealthy. In real life, some people just don't house chores at all, ever, they don't expect their partner to do them either. You start making compromise as a couple.

There are no right and wrong way of dividing household chores, as long as both partners are happy with the way things go and are 100% sure there are no resentment, and clear things will not miraculously change because a baby arrives.

YelloDraw · 21/12/2016 11:29

I'm glad you've talked, but honestly, if he thinks buying you a small gift is a major source of stress ... I don't even know where to begin.

To be fair - if he is actually struggling with stress then anything can seem like an insurmountable task just adding to your stress pile.

YelloDraw · 21/12/2016 11:33

Do single men with stressful jobs starve and go naked? Of course they don't.

Single men/women in stressful jobs often:

live close to work thereby eliminating the shit energy sapping and time consuming commute.
have a cleaner so not have to do any chores
dry clean
eat out/at work/get take out

sonjadog · 21/12/2016 11:36

No, they don't do any of those things, in my experience.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/12/2016 11:38

So, you have to instinctively know how he's feelings, help and support him, and he's disappointed in you if you don't.

Your feelings count for nothing.

Great!

Does he commute by train or car? IF he's on the train he has five hours a day to get online and look for a present for you and just press "buy now". Just pathetic

TheDisreputableDog · 21/12/2016 11:40

Just out of interest does he drive or get public transport? If he's not driving he has 5 hours a day to browse the internet for shopping purposes. Perhaps he needs to try and make better use of that commuting time?
If he's driving, fair enough that is just dead time.

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/12/2016 11:46

I'de phone him now while he's still working and say at lunch time go get me X for Xmas, I assume he can buy lunch or a coffee.

I also think maybe he needs to move back to be near his job, none of what he said about his stress levels and not knowing what to do bodes well for you.

Fairenuff · 21/12/2016 11:51

I don't think you're right for each other. You've lived a whole year like this.

Personally I wouldn't want to waste another one.

This is not how a person who cares about you acts. It really is that simple.

TheMerryWidow1 · 21/12/2016 11:51

rubbish he has no excuse, I do a 2 hour each way commute 5 days a week and have done for years, I still manage to buy all xmas presents, cook, clean etc. He can easily get you something its just being lazy even a bottle of your fav perfume is better than nothing.

CalleighDoodle · 21/12/2016 11:52

He has made you feel like a dick for expecting a christmas present at christmas. Theres something not quite right about that is there.

Also, theres nithing to stop this not so single man employing a cleaner if that would take some stress off his life?

Putting his stress on you and making it your responsibility is not fair, or dealing eith the actual stress.

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