To be upset not to get a present?

[indoorfleece]

My dp moved to be with me 1 year ago and now has a 2.5h commute each way for work, 4 days a week (1 day a week from home). He leaves the house at 730 every morning and is home 830ish. I have a 15 min cycle to work, work full time (9-6ish), plus do out of hours on calls (24h shift once a week, can sleep at home as close to work, 1 in 6 weekends), and have a teaching commitment one evening a fortnight approx.

I do all of the housework, washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, gardening, laundry and primarily manage bills and admin (we're buying a house and planning a wedding so no mean feat). We both pretend that this is because of his commute but I feel like a big part is because he's never really had to do this stuff and when he does takes 5h to do a job that takes 5 mins. I'm aware that by just getting on with it (I'm efficient and have always been a coper) I'm making the situation worse but he's finding his travelling so hard I don't want to stress him more. Generally I don't resent it too much.

Anyway, being organised, I've found out what he wants for Christmas and have bought presents. Knowing he's disorganised, I've mentioned many things I might like for Christmas. Last year he'd bought me a short trip (we'd both planned) but gave me nothing on the day (we were at his parents house for the first time). Afterwards, I explained that, rightly or wrongly, I'd felt hurt at not having even a small surprise token to unwrap. This morning as he was leaving for work he told me he was feeling really bad and was very sorry but hadn't got me anything for Christmas. I said "fine don't worry about it". He then brought up last year and I said "well what else can I say really?". He then went to work.

I'm not really a materialistic person but a present would've shown me that he has thought about me, considered what I'd like and has done something small to spoil me a bit so I'm feeling hurt. He's a very lovely (if infuriatingly disorganised) guy who was brought up in a very frugal and practical household so I can see how this has happened.

Should I bring it up as it's something important to me, even though he won't have chance to sort it out now, it will just cause an atmosphere pre-Christmas, or let it go? Am I being spoiled?

Give the guy a break. OP, you MUST tell him what you think. Also I don't want a present I've instructed someone to get, I wanted the warm feeling of knowing I'd been thought about.

that's really important. For what it's worth, my husband and I were abysmal for presents at the beginning of our relationship. Forgot/got the wrong thing/ too much effort in a crap item. We happen to still be together and be very happy, and our presents to each other are fab. It's not too late at all to resolve things. Don't forget that he's not a mind reader. It's all very good for people to assume he doesn't care, he might be completely oblivious.

His commute is horrendous. I imagine that he doesn't spend exactly 2.5 hours sitting in first class in a comfy train, does he? Does it include walking/ changing trains/ tube, delays, cancellation/ loud and stinky commuters. I have done it, and it is soul destroying and exhausting. It's not just the time, and the tiredness, it's that horrible heavy feeling of wasting your life. Do you people realise how much you can achieve in 5 hours a day?! That's 20 hours a week! (in his case). It is actually worst than it sounds, it really is soul destroying.

I don't think it's healthy that you take care of EVERYTHING. Unless you are happy to do it forever, but if you have kids, that will end in tears.

Don't go the passive agressive way, and be nasty or make sarcastic gestures for Christmas. Speak to him. If you are about to commit to spend the rest of your life with him, you need to communicate. He will never be a mind reader, so won't guess what is important for you, but it doesn't mean he doesn't care unless he tells you so!

To all the people saying LTB. Some people genuinely don't get the concept of presents. Read up on the concept of the 'five languages of love'.
My own DH is a case in point - his attitude is if I want something and we can afford it I should buy it for myself and he will do the same with things he wants. So for years I seethed and fumed and resented not getting anything for Christmas/Birthday/Anniversay because he genuinely did not understand why that would be important to anyone and I was too hurt to explain how I felt without becoming aggressive. It is only very recently I have been sufficiently confident and assertive to spell out calmly and plainly that I would rather have a £10 something chosen with love and giftwrapped, than go out and spend £3000 on buying myself a piece of jewellery. He still seems baffled by the idea but I did spot him smuggling a carrier bag into the house. So fingers crossed, this year might be the first year I actually have a gift from my DH.

Did he really just turn around and say that or was there a bigger conversation here?

I can't imagine anyone just turning around and saying 'I haven't got you a Christmas present'. Unless they're very mean. Surely he would have just not mentioned it if he genuinely didn't think it was important?

I don't get that someone would do that.

as haveacupteasays. Either you put this right now. or your marriage has failed before it started.
I know, I live your future life.

I don't get anything either, it's embarrassing at present swapping time when I get nothing. Buy yourself something lovely, keep it in your handbag, and make a big deal out of opening it on the day.... and present him with the bill

So he works in the West End, so you must live a 2 hour train journey away? It sounds like utter utter madness not to stay at least one night in town.

Anyway, that's a side issue. He is thoughtless arse. It's not as if he suddenly realised 5 minutes before the shops close on Christmas Eve that he hasn't got you a gift. He realised 5 days before. Ample opportunity.

AS for the 100 / 0% spilt in the housework, that just stinks. What are you? His mother or the maid?

Sorry pressed send too soon.

What are you? His mother or the maid? Because you are most certainly not his partner

He's a knob. Get rid.

Do not marry this man!

I would have replied 'fine I haven't got you anything either'.

My dh brought me nothing for my birthday. He took the kids out the day before and still didn't get me anything and the eldest (8) was upset. We've been together ten years and a lot of resentment on my part is simmering now. It's not about the gift but just a token of appreciation. I'd have been happy with a nice book or a box of chocolates.

Dingdong and Lii, I think in our case you're close to the mark. He does find the travelling really hard (quite an outdoorsy person at heart) and doesn't "get" presents for the reasons you describe. I feel bad because he's struggling and am probably being a bit of a martyr. We get on really well and I've never been happier living with him so it's worth addressing before it festers. He does appreciate all I do and says as much, just can't get it together to show appreciation in any other way.

Thanks to everyone who gave the advice to address it sooner rather than later and I'm sorry to hear there's so many people feeling resentful and under appreciated. to you all

Get him told OP.

I would say 'you know you mentioned gift buying this morning. You've actually still got x many shopping days anyway'

I think the bit that worries me about your post is you do everything to remove stress , say its fine because what else can you do.

You sound downtrodden..

If there is not an option to change jobs is it not an option for you both to move ..Is your job more transferable to his location... or somewhere between.

I understand the long days what does he do on his days off?

What does he actually do for you?

Just to add my dh was quite crap with presents when we first got together. I was 19 so I wasn't too fussed. As I got to know him, I realised it's probably because his family are really crap with presents. In 20 years, I have never seen him get a present from his family. It's always money gifts. He has basically learned to give after living with me. What are your dp's family like?

I could understand if he genuinely couldn't afford to buy you a gift for Christmas. However, to not get you one due to not wanting to make the time and effort to look online or go to a shop. That's really harsh. I bet his family will be getting a gift from him. How can he not feel bad on Christmas Day not having a gift for you. Something seriously wrong there.

I hope it goes well when you speak to him OP.

OP - this is very odd! Are you sure he doesn't have something planned and this is all part of the suspense? Fingers crossed for that.
There's still a few gifts I need to get, like probably most people. Why tell you this now?
If he's not joking, he must have remembered your reaction last year and is trying to preempt another shocking performance by giving you warning that he can't be bothered.
People come from all sorts of backgrounds and it's no excuse really.
My DH works a lot longer hours than yours and is abroad a lot, but he's always been amazing about gifts and not just on Xmas and birthdays. It's not about "stuff" though, as you say, it's the thoughtfulness and effort that count.
Does he buy gifts for anyone, or do you do it all?

I'm not interested in his reasons, yours are the ones that raise alarm. Why, when you have been brooding about it for 11 1/2 months, did you tell him it was ok not to buy you a present?

What are you scared of? Address that - the best Xmas present you could ever give yourself.

I don't 'get' presents either. DP rarely gets anything and I don't really think he minds. If he gets me something, it will usually be spot on (just one almighty shit joke one that just pist me off) or be something I asked for.

If everything else is fine, you still need to have a talk with him about splitting the chores and you need to stop being a martyr.

If I had a 5 hr round trip I think I'd be knackered too. Could you move a bit nearer to his job or could he cycle in or work 2 days from home or something.

He's very close to John Lewis & Liberty. No excuse really.

I think there may be something in what Bestthingever mentioned above. OP you mentioned that your partner comes from a frugal family, mine does too. They don't really have the same present giving ethos that my family do. This isn't because they aren't kind generous people, but because they grew up in a post war era and their own parents died when they were quite young (still kids), so they just don't get it. They haven't given any presents to our DD since she was born, only put money in an ISA for her. I find it really weird, as my family delighting getting presents for each other (it's the thought not the expense) but I know that it's just how they are. My DP knows that he struggles to get it and tries by asking me for an idea of things I might like. I think OP that you need to make sure that he understands how important a present is to you and what it represents etc.

On the housework etc, it's a tricky one, as you are at home with more available time, but I think maybe you should suggest that he does a fair share on the day he works at home, let's say cook the dinner that day. Just to share things out fairly now. So, when the work builds up if you have kids later, he will be used to the idea of doing his bit.

How did the conversation go op

Whatever his reasons for not getting you presents and expecting you to not be bothered by it, you are bothered. I would say most people get their partners a present, esp if they don't have kids yet, and it can be very painful to feel like you aren't worth the effort and attention. I would speak honestly with him, the balance in your relationship is out of kilter and needs addressing longer term, and this is the first step.
Please don't get married until there is more balance (for both of you). God knows what this man will be like in a decades time when you have children if you don't both change now.