To tell my dm she got it badly wrong?

[Cherrysoup]

She told me tonight that she'd got the dh something Simpsons related, the Private Eye annual and a diary. She thinks he likes the Simpsons. He doesn't. She told me he loves Private Eye: he's never mentioned it, isn't into political satire and all his reading material is on kindle. Our diary is online, Google, shared on all the mobile devices at home so we can make sure we know each other's schedule.

I appreciate that she has put in thought and has bought him presents. She could have simply sent vouchers, easy for her (she's physically and mentally fine)

I don't know where she's got these ideas from and the gifts will be charity shopped. He won't be ungrateful, she won't know (they live 5 hours away, she's sending them down with a relative who is coming down), but I think she should save herself the time and effort. AIBU to tell her that he isn't into the things she bought? It's not the first time she's done this, I did mention it previously, especially the diary thing.

I wouldn't do it now, but in time for next year. I think, knowing her, she'd prefer to get him something he really likes, but she doesn't listen!

On the fence.

My mum gives crap presents to my dh. I do mind because a) he does all the cooking and hosting stuff when she's staying here (I'm sous chef and work long, funny hours) so I think he should get a decent thank you and b) she's not a dear, sweet little old lady buying him misguided gifts out of the good ness of her heart, she tries to get away with spending as little as possible and that's her main aim! She once gave him a Mickey Mouse tee shirt.

But given what you've told us OP, this isn't the case for you? In the words of Elsa let it go and have a lovely Christmas! x

Send his gifts to my DH - he'd like them.

YABU and a bit of control freak? Maybe your DH would like his own diary without sharing everything through the mobile devices -

Do people really send lists months ahead of what they would like for xmas?!

Clearly I'm in the minority then who thinks this is awful and wouldn't dream of asking anyone for anything, it's so presumptuous!

Perhaps OP if, as you say, it's not about the gifts and you aren't grabby etc, you could suggest your mum make a nice charity donation instead, then there is no waste and it's helping a bigger cause

I was beginning to feel a little sympathy for this onslaught tacky licensed merchandise tat being proferred in your direction... until you mentioned having a fucking life-sized R2D2 in your house.

Really, it sounds like you have been pegged as the 'kerayzee movie fans' of the family and are being bought odd gifts to reflect this. But I would surmise that you have kind of perhaps brought this on yourselves....!

Yeah, shame on you op. If only you had an Annie Sloane chalk painted dresser or one of those £150 'oh but they're worth it because they burn for months' candles. You don't deserve nice stuff you tasteless geeks.

And no nobody is suggesting sending lists out to everybody months ahead of time - more Reading shit into a thread that isn't there. People are suggesting the op saying something like 'oh mum, dh really loved that gift voucher you got him, if you wanted to get him something for Christmas he'd really love that!' . Not exactly worthy of a load of faces is it? Perhaps people on here could do with new glasses for Christmas. Or a hobby to let out all that misdirected anger.

My BIL is overly rude about gifts. You could get him something nice or practical for him. He is still rude about it. Net result is - I don't bother buying him anything. DH does if he wants but I stay out of it.

So MIL moans to me. This year two things have happened.

First, I lost it with MIL who kept repeating BILs rudeness to me that I haven't had any involvements with any presents for any of his side of the family due to that attitude for about 6 years. This led to the revelation that she reserved the repeated rudeness for me, she never bothered DH with it. MIL was upset apparently, because she thought I'd be putting effort in with hers - um no, I'm your DS' wife not his personal shopper cum secretary.
Secondly we've butted up because my DC have bought their DC a small gift. We weren't allowed to do that . MIL got a very stern look and a fierce 'My DC want to buy a gift for their cousins'. She stopped dead in her track.

Its up to you if you want to tell her but you're clearly going to have to insult her and if you do then be prepared she may just not bother in future.

erm, someone did say send an email in August and another said amazon wish lists... For children absolutely but for adults?!

Like I said I'm clearly in the minority in that I don't really give a stuff about presents. I just get anything I want/need as I need it throughout the year.

Who has said anything about sending out lists?! Must have skimmed over that.

It goes like this - what do you think your DH would like for Christmas?

• an M and S voucher, thanks mum.

Job done. Isn't that how it normally goes?

My friends inlaws are the worst. Buying a new born baby clothes that will fit a 2yr old

I agree with your general point, but isn't buying a new baby some clothes for a slightly older age quite sensible? As in, most other people will be buying the tiny cute stuff that you hardly have chance to put them in before they grow out of it, and your stash of clothes that were presents starts to run out after the first year or so? I was quite pleased with the few items of 1-2 year olds clothes I was given when both of mine were born!

As a grown up I am in the fortunate position of being able to buy myself things I want and need (within reason, I still haven't go a pony )
which is why I don't understand these threads at all.

OP's OH can spend his own money on over priced adult star wars toys and just accept stuff he doesn't love with good grace.

This will be on of many, many, many weird Christmas threads on MN. Last year was bonkers. Adults ranting, crying, seething, livid, heartbroken about presents.

Some of the threads were clearly indicative of a much deeper issue but most were not. They were just people moaning that Santa didn't bring them a pony.

I get the waste of money argument to a point. I don't like to see wasted money but lets face it Christmas presents are pretty much all about wasting money. No one needs a Star Wars toy any more than they need a Star Trek one.

OP As the daughter of a couple who, every year, buy my 43-year old husband a Kylie Minogue calendar because, once, 15 years ago, he happened to mention a slight crush on her, I feel your pain

Most people I know don't ask what we want for gifts (unless they plan to spend loads of money). They just try and pick out something we'd like. Part of the joy of giving for lots of people is choosing something you think the person might like. If they get it wrong just smile, thank them and charity shop it.

If they specifically ask what you/DH wants then by all means make a suggestion (voucher, specific book or whatever) otherwise get what you're given graciously.

While I am at it...
Does anyone else get so fed up of 'giving ideas' to others about what to get the OH, the kids and yourself that you end up squeaking 'ANYTHING, just get ANYTHING' ?

OH is hard to buy for, the kids are getting harder as they get older, I don't really want to chose my own present and I already to all the picking and buying for my family.

I am quite happy to take a chance and let others do their own thing when it comes to selecting gifts for us all

Almost everyone we know asks what we want. Even when spending £6. We ask them for ideas too.

We are all quite skint and don't like waste/frittering. Means we don't have to charity shop lots of things after xmas and we things we need/like.

I find it really easy to make a list of things.

Books we would like
Certain Kit for a sport
Gloves
Artie stuff

OP, I think people have been quite harsh to you.

Every year DH gets presents from his parents. His parents are very serious about present buying and would not hear of giving up buying presents for adults. He accepts his gifts with gratitude. But actually he is hurt as he knows the gifts show they know fuck all about him, despite him spending a lot of time with them during the year.

Without fail he will get a cheap bottle of port. It will be the one on special offer in Sainsburys. This is because age 18 at university he liked it. He is now 45 and hasn't drunk it in years. We have said so, repeatedly. But the bottle still arrives 'because he likes port'. Other gifts also arrive, all along the same lines. On the other hand my DM, has known him for only 5 minutes relatively speaking and manages to get it right by actually trying to understand who he is.

We now steer towards generic boxes of chocolate.

No, people haven't been overly harsh at all, I don't think. Op has said several times - "It would be nice for him to get something he likes" and (significantly), " I'd prefer him to get something he likes".
He's a grown man, she doesn't need to police his Christmas presents on the off chance he'll get something he'd rather not
And seriously, he was delighted with his vouchers last year... Why?

Harsh is that the new word for disagree

Wow, who knew you had to understand who someone is when choosing a gift for them . Such a minefield...
How do Boots make millions each year with their gift sets? .
Some of you need a bloody life.

I sympathise op. My mum buys the same thing for me, my sister and Sil - usually whatever is on special offer on a sales site the week before Christmas.

I've pointed out things I like, and regularly suggest no present at all or charity gifts and it makes no difference.

I can't believe grown adults behave like this. It's a gift, a token, to show love & it works both ways.

You or DH smile, thank & be gracious and that's it. Not hard. I think it's ridiculous to expect her to specifically remember which toy - Star Wars or Dr Who you like. You are not 6. To be honest if one of my children behaved like that words would be had. And mine are proper children.

If you can't bear the waste then don't take part. Same if you can't afford it. Gifts can be anything. From a homemade card to a diamond bracelet. Some of my cards give more fond memories than my diamonds tbh.

I think you've totally lost the plot when you seriously are considering hurting your mothers feelings over a Simpsons calendar or whatever little thing it is. The charity shops will be full of star wars crap after Xmas anyway, perhaps he could exchange it when he goes in with his private eye.

It's Christmas. It's not about the gifts unless you are a child. Yes some people can be arseholes with what they give, but the real value is only what the recipient puts on it. Putting all these emotions or wants on to a single physical expectation is doomed to failure. Make it what you want it to be. Reading some of these threads makes me very sad.

OP, the band 'haveacupoftea's' username is making you thing of is of is Gong. They have an album Camembert. Prog rock at it's thirty minutes met song best!

Camembert Electrique

She told me he loves Private Eye

Cherrysoup, I like the sound of your Mum.

Well I'm with you Op.

It's a waste of her time & money (ok, her choice), disappointing for your husband. Yes, he's old enough to get over it & buy stuff he wants during the year.

But this sort of thing does make me wonder why adults buy presents for other adults just for the sake of it.