To tell my dm she got it badly wrong?

[Cherrysoup]

She told me tonight that she'd got the dh something Simpsons related, the Private Eye annual and a diary. She thinks he likes the Simpsons. He doesn't. She told me he loves Private Eye: he's never mentioned it, isn't into political satire and all his reading material is on kindle. Our diary is online, Google, shared on all the mobile devices at home so we can make sure we know each other's schedule.

I appreciate that she has put in thought and has bought him presents. She could have simply sent vouchers, easy for her (she's physically and mentally fine)

I don't know where she's got these ideas from and the gifts will be charity shopped. He won't be ungrateful, she won't know (they live 5 hours away, she's sending them down with a relative who is coming down), but I think she should save herself the time and effort. AIBU to tell her that he isn't into the things she bought? It's not the first time she's done this, I did mention it previously, especially the diary thing.

I wouldn't do it now, but in time for next year. I think, knowing her, she'd prefer to get him something he really likes, but she doesn't listen!

Telling her things he'd like next year won't necessarily avoid disappointment - buying Christmas gifts shouldn't be like fulfilling a shopping list, it's a token of affection as was said upthread. Just accept presents graciously. If you don't get given what you suggested, buy it yourself after Christmas. No biggy.

I think what the op means is, she'd prefer her dm bought the dh M&S vouchers again for all the lovely treats she he loves to buy

I get what you mean, OP.

I wouldn't say anything though. Just keep it as a quiet and private family joke between you and DH, and let her remain in blissful ignorance.

My MIL always stropped over gifts she didn't like, and she was very hard to please. Trouble was, although she hated receiving certain types of gifts, she would buy exactly the same stuff for someone else and think it was a marvellous thing to give. Always bought new, never regifted and she thought she was great at gifts.

I got a cheap set of saucepans from her one year. I acted all grateful despite knowing that if anyone had got her anything of the sort they would never have heard the last of it.

It is not worth causing an awkward atmosphere over Christmas.

I hate the thought of someone wasting money on things that are not suitable for the recipient.

My friends inlaws are the worst. Buying a new born baby clothes that will fit a 2yr old. Buying a girl all piles of disney princess things when the girl hates disney. Every year they ask what the children would like, every year they ignore it and buy things that are just going to get put to the charity shop.

'Our diary is online, Google, shared on all the mobile devices at home so we can make sure we know each other's schedule'
Now why doesn't that surprise me....

LOL! Wow this thread is mean!
OP I see your point and it is disappointing when people buy you stuff you don't want or can't use but I'm sure you have the message now that dh should just carry on with being grateful, saying thanks and exchanging them in the new year. It's not the end of the world and not something you should expend any more energy worrying about.

I get what you mean OP. I feel conflicted about the whole gift giving thing. Fundamentally I agree that gifts are a token, should never be expected etc. I'm certainly not one to ever fuss about them. However, I can see why you might want to intervene very courteously if someone has spent a lot of money or keeps buying something that is not appreciated year after year! On the one hand it doesn't matter, on the other hand it's a shame for them to waste their money!

Yanbu

It would irritate me if my mum didn't pay attention to what I told her, wasted money and inflicted tat on me. I don't think it's unreasonable to prefer vouchers or thoughtful relevant gifts over any old thing the giver fancies.

Learn & repeat "it's the thought that counts."

You can drop hints, you can provide a list only if asked for one but you must never say anything along the lines of "well, that's a pile of shit. DH will hate that."

As others have done before you, and will continue to do for ever more, you gratefully accept the offered gift saying how lovely or thoughtful it was of the giver. You then put it on top of the wardrobe with all of the other similar gifts.

It is beyond rude to actually point out why an adult would have "preferred" something else! Unless, I suppose, someone is knowingly giving a diabetic chocolate or a similar situation.

Although, you say you have a full size R2D2 in the house? Are you quite sure DH is actually an adult with a good sense of taste?

What a mean thread.

OP, you can only keep letting her know what DH likes when the opportunity arises, and hope it registers with her. If not, warm thanks and charity shop.

Gosh some nasty comments to OP

I'm deeply uncomfortable with presents which get consigned to the charity shop straight after Christmas

Mostly for the environmental waste in producing them, carting them round the country, and the fact that the charity shop may be unable to sell them on so they might end up in landfill

I do feel our planet is drowning in Stuff, a plenty of which should never have been produced!

But it also seems a real shame that someone spent time and money on the present thinking We'd enjoy it.... but actually it has created work for us (have to get bus to charity shop and awkward opening hours for us, also our only local shop has stopped taking any donations as their store room is full!), so of course we say 'thank you, that's lovely' but inside I'm thinking 'this will sit in our hallway for weeks and I'll keep tripping over it, until we spend a Saturday morning carrying stuff to the charity shop'. Obviously I don't say that to the giver, but it is frustrating when you say "ooh, a box of shortbread would be lovely, or something else we can eat" and they get you a set of ceramic dogs, or a calendar that might never be used as you can't get to the charity shop until February

I don't understand "it's just a token gift" for gifts like this, for me a token gift is something like a small box of chocolates or a small denomination voucher or just a nice card, something pretty universally acceptable and cheap?

Mostly in our family we don't get gifts for adults which I think is much better

Whilst people obviously mean well, why do they choose to ignore present suggestions and get something completely different? If I was given a present suggestion I would always get what they asked for (or cash/ voucher towards it if too expensive), I can't understand the reasoning of doing otherwise

Anyway no help to you OP really! Just that you're not the only one who feels this way

Next year I would try asking for consumables only, of course you might still get the random alcohol, but generally these gifts are easier to regift or use even if not quite to your taste

I don't think she got it badly wrong, and your DH is gracious about it so why interfere? Every year my MIL buys us all a mound of cheap presents spending a considerable sum on quantity not quality. I have considered re gifting them to her if we are lucky we swap otherwise donate to charity, it is what it is and I have no doubt not listened and bought my family some questionable gifts over the years.

I don't think she's got it 'badly wrong'.

'Badly wrong' is buying a vegan a fur coat or a homeless person an address book.

Don't tell her. You'll upset her. It's just stuff. It doesn't matter.

I am going to stick my neck out and say I agree with you OP

I have relatives who do not have much money but will buy things that are not appreciated (yes I smile and say thank you but have the charity box ready)

Personally I would prefer them to save their money and get me nothing at all rather than stuff that will be given away but I can't say anything too blunt to them as its my in laws (have managed to steer one into chocolate buying though ) - however - if it was my DM I would have had an honest conversation with her after the first gift. She would be more hurt to find out that nobody had said anything to her than getting it wrong one year (she would have asked for the gift back to go and exchange or offered the receipt)

Amazon wish lists are my go to, I keep mine and DCs up to date with ideas (from things that cost only a couple of ££) and ppl can buy from them if they wish or use them as an indication of what is actually liked

What a load of fuss about nothing!

OP you sound whiny and ungrateful. You are adults, why do you even care?!

I may be on my own here but to me, Christmas is for children and apart from DP I don't buy anything for adults, my siblings and I buy for the children and thats all. We tell our parents not to buy anything because we buy anything we want throughout the year

If my DD was as ungrateful as you sound she'd be getting naff all next year!

Cherry I think people are being unnecessarily harsh towards you! I agree 'badly wrong' may be a bit dramatic and I can understand mixing up dr who and Star Wars but I absolutely get where you're coming from. And all the PPs saying essentially adults should be grateful for what they get regardless of whether it's something they want or use - yes that's true. But surely most people who buy a gift do so because they want to make the person getting it happy. Therefore it follows that they'd want to choose something that person wants. And when it's someone who knows you well it can feel quite hurtful and thoughtless if you get a present which suggests they don't know you or listen to you after all.

I think it's lovely that your DM buys for your DH, and I agree with those who've suggested giving her some specific ideas next year. She'll be happy to get DH something he wants, DH will be happy to receive it

My mum always gets terrible presents. But we thank her graciously and then giggle about it between us afterwards. It's the thought that counts....!

One year she got me an Olly Murs calendar because I happened to mention I thought one of his songs was "ok"....! She's also got dh the most hideous old man style slippers - when he doesn't even ever wear slippers.

Every year we actually look forward to seeing what she's got us. We wouldn't dream of making a comment to her about it!

I'm struggling to find it ungrateful tbh, your mother is buying presents that he does not like nor want, which means bits a waste of money, and will likely be unused and re-gifted.

I think you should do as you've said, and and strongly recommend months early about gifts that he wants.

Of course it's ungrateful, someone has taken the time to buy gifts and all they can do is criticise!

So what if the op's mum struggles to remember exactly what it is her DH likes, she cares enough about him to choose and buy him a selection of gifted every year doesn't she?!

OP - I do hope you're ignoring the nutters on here who are calling you ungrateful and whiny when you're clearly not. HopelesslydevotedtoGu's post is spot on.

You sound nice op

full size R2D2 really?

I wish would people could at least take the time to read the op's posts on a thread properly even if they don't read an entire thread. It's clear the op feels awkward about her mum wasting her money and time on gifts that will ultimately end up unused. She says she appreciates the thought. She says her husband will be gracious about it. She says she won't say anything this year now the gifts are bought. How is any of this whiny and ungrateful and all the other insults thrown at her?! She is looking for a way to tactfully steer her mum towards gifts that won't be a waste of her money. That's a kindness surely? It's her mum we're talking about not some barely known secret Santa gift buyer. She will waste her money time and again if the op doesn't attempt to steer her right.

I'm not sure what to suggest though op, all you can do is try and suggest something in good time for next year. If she then goes off piste at least you'll know you tried to save her time and money.

A quick phone call to you before she spends any money would solve the problem OP. It's not great that she's wasting money when something so simple would help.

It's something I always do with family.

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time. Lots of easily irritated people around at the moment.

It is such a waste financially and environmentally. The solution is to start telling them what he would like for xmas. So in august email them a link of an exact item and ask if they would mind getting it.

Of course it's not ungrateful... the gift is for the individual, it's wasted money, and one that will not be used or re-gifted, it's a waste, it's not unreasonable for the OP to mention that next year he may prefer X,Y and Z. Thats the OP AIBU!