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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about photos related to his late wife on FB?

105 replies

Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 21:39

I've been dating a man for the past 18 months who is a widower (4 years). The relationship is great but I have points where things upset me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically, in the time we've been together he's posted a handful of photos related to his late wife on FB, only at significant dates. He does it sensitively, just posts a photo, no gushing comments or anything, which I have seen other widowed people do, even when they are in new relationships.

The things is, each time, I have felt very upset by it. It's not so much the photos themselves, but the comments they prompt from friends/family etc as it makes me feel like to the outside world he is still seen as part of 'them'. He hasn't ever posted photos of us together, although I know his late wife's family know about me. He doesn't post a lot generally though.

Pretty much all is FB friends will have known, been friends with, or be related to his late wife.

I just find it very hurtful that there is nothing on his page to reflect that he has had many happy times with me in the last 18 months, but instead it's almost like a memorial page. I'd be fine with I him posting things on these dates if there was just a little bit of balance, and I suppose, an acknowledgement that I exist. We take loads of photos when we are together and he regularly talks about ones that he likes of me etc.

I'm prepared to be told if I'm being unreasonable or insensitive.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/12/2016 21:42

He is still a part of 'them' when someone you love in that way dies it dosnt make the whole them thing go away

monkeysox · 19/12/2016 21:42

Yabu hth.

WheresTheEvidence · 19/12/2016 21:43

YABU

Trifleorbust · 19/12/2016 21:44

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You are happy for him to post photos that show he is still thinking about his wife, but you want some recognition for the fact that you are now in a (happy?) relationship. I think you need to find a time to say, very gently, that you would expect by now for his social media presence to reflect the fact that you are a couple.

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/12/2016 21:45

He is still part of them. That wont ever change.

Its not just his past, its part of who he is.

Sorry but yabu Smile

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 19/12/2016 21:46

YABVU. He will always be 'part of them' and vice versa. That's the way it is.

Original poster
Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 21:46

Sorry, I missed a bit of important info. I'm also widowed (6 years) so I get the point about the past remaining part of you. I've just never done the social media grieving thing. For a start my late husband would be cringing!

OP posts:
FourToTheFloor · 19/12/2016 21:47

It doesn't sound like he's over his wife's death. I know it probably is hurtful but I think that's the 'baggage' with being with a widower, likely always will be that 3rd person in your relationship. .

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 19/12/2016 21:48

You are still being unreasonable with the update. People grieve in different ways.

sooperdooper · 19/12/2016 21:49

Yabu

sortthetacheoutbernard · 19/12/2016 21:49

I think you know you're being unfair.

I do understand a little bit how you feel but nothing good can come of making it an issue.

Facebook is pretty meaningless. What he says to you is important. Maybe he needs that separation.

Let him grieve in his own way.

Original poster
Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 21:49

Four - I would never say I am 'over' my husband's death. I have just learned to live with it and the impact it had. I've never met a widowed person yet who would accept the term 'over it'

OP posts:
throwingpebbles · 19/12/2016 21:49

Sympathies to both of you.
I guess he finds the social media thing helps, that's different from you but it doesn't mean it isn't ok.
If things are going well in real life then that's lovely, maybe that's what his Facebook is for, a memorial page that helps him and family and friends even as he builds a new life with you.

Doilooklikeatourist · 19/12/2016 21:49

He can do whatever he likes with photos of his late wife
YABU

TattyCat · 19/12/2016 21:51

I've just never done the social media grieving thing. For a start my late husband would be cringing!

That is all you need to remember. YABU and everyone grieves in their own way. He just happens to be someone who grieves openly on social media and in his own way. That's not for everyone, but I think you need to look at why this makes you feel so insecure. He's not comparing; he's remembering and acknowledging.

sortthetacheoutbernard · 19/12/2016 21:52

Sorry to hear you are widowed too.
Wishing you both the best. Can't be easy Flowers

crashdoll · 19/12/2016 21:52

I mean this kindly but YABU to be placing so much meaning on social media. You said the relationship is generally good, so focus on that. People present a certain persona on social media and it may not always be the truth but how they want people to see them.

Original poster
Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 21:54

'Rembering and acknowledging' - that helps Tatty thank you.

I think a number of posters seem to think that I don't want him to post this stuff but that it isn't what I said. I'm fine with him doing that, and he does so very sensitively, it's just the lack of an acknowledgment of the present that hurts.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/12/2016 21:55

It sounds as though he is still grieving, is he ready for another relationship now? Yanbu, it wou,d be nice for him to post a few pictures of you together to reflect his life now. Try broaching it with him, his reaction will tell you, wether he is ready to move on.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/12/2016 21:57

In a few months ask him to post a picture of you and he together on FB

Sybys · 19/12/2016 21:57

Why don't you suggest posting some photos and tagging him in them?

bumsexatthebingo · 19/12/2016 21:57

I'm going to say YANBU because it's not the photos of his wife that are your issue. It's the lack of photos of you? If yu had just come on and posted that you are surprised that there is no mention of you on your partner of 18 months social media I think you would have got a different response.
Do you have a Facebook page and put pics of him on there? If you did you could tag him in them?
Have a chat with him - he might not realise you are bothered.

Silverdream · 19/12/2016 21:58

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You don't mind him posting about his wife and acknowledging her at important dates. You understand that you can still feel sad for a lost partner and love another.
But what hurts is not that he posts about his deceased wife but that he doesn't show friends and family that you are also an important part of his life.
There is never a correct time to have a new relationship. Maybe he feels guilty for moving on only he knows. But you need to tell him how it makes you feel and he needs to explain how he feels too. 💐

Original poster
Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 22:01

I think I might mention something in the new year. Mainly because the anniversary has just passed which what prompted me to be post. In all this time he's only done it 3 times - 2 anniversaries of her death and once on another date. I know this is making me sound horrible.

I might just wait til we've taken some new photos and say something about how it might be nice to post something happy on our pages. I've not shared photos of him either, but that's mainly because I've followed his lead.

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 19/12/2016 22:02

Could he maybe be thinking the same thing then op? And not wanting to rush you?