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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about photos related to his late wife on FB?

105 replies

Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 21:39

I've been dating a man for the past 18 months who is a widower (4 years). The relationship is great but I have points where things upset me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically, in the time we've been together he's posted a handful of photos related to his late wife on FB, only at significant dates. He does it sensitively, just posts a photo, no gushing comments or anything, which I have seen other widowed people do, even when they are in new relationships.

The things is, each time, I have felt very upset by it. It's not so much the photos themselves, but the comments they prompt from friends/family etc as it makes me feel like to the outside world he is still seen as part of 'them'. He hasn't ever posted photos of us together, although I know his late wife's family know about me. He doesn't post a lot generally though.

Pretty much all is FB friends will have known, been friends with, or be related to his late wife.

I just find it very hurtful that there is nothing on his page to reflect that he has had many happy times with me in the last 18 months, but instead it's almost like a memorial page. I'd be fine with I him posting things on these dates if there was just a little bit of balance, and I suppose, an acknowledgement that I exist. We take loads of photos when we are together and he regularly talks about ones that he likes of me etc.

I'm prepared to be told if I'm being unreasonable or insensitive.

OP posts:
KnittedBlanketHoles · 19/12/2016 22:04

Yanbu

If you talk to him about this, make sure that you are clear that you are not asking him to change how he presents her and them on social media but that you would like it if he made reference to you and you two as a couple in some way.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 19/12/2016 22:06

Why have you followed his lead? Uo cant have the hump over him
Not doing something you havent done either. Assuming he hasnt asked you not to.

GColdtimer · 19/12/2016 22:10

I think YABU. It's 3 times in the last 18months and two of those times were the anniversary. Perhaps he is doing it for the sake of her family and friends. To acknowledge that she hasn't been forgotten, even though he has a new relationship.

And for those who are saying he is still grieving and isn't over it, and even referring to him having "baggage", he will always grieve, he will never be over it and baggage is a terrible term to use in this context.

Sorry for your loss too OP. Flowers

AyeAmarok · 19/12/2016 22:13

Maybe he doesn't want his Facebook to reflect his present life, but rather his past? You say he doesn't use it for much else. Perhaps that's his way of still being close to her and keeping her memory alive with all those who knew her.

And if so, it would then be inappropriate to also have photos of you on there.

Facebook doesn't matter. Let that go. Let him use it for her and for all their friends to remember her. You say your relationship is good, so be secure in that.

Original poster
Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 22:14

Two falls, you are absolutely right. Anyone who thinks people ever 'get over' death of a partner has been lucky enough never to have experienced it. I will never expect him to be over it, and, like me, there will still be time when memories, and tears, return.

Fair enough on the comments about following his lead. I suppose because he is the more recently widowed of us, I have always tried to take things at his pace.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 19/12/2016 22:16

Noooo, don't start posting photos of you and him on there. Don't start competing and marking your territory all over Facebook, that's what teenagers do. Don't go there OP.

Redsrule · 19/12/2016 22:17

As a widow of nearly 6 years I think YABU. The past will never go away you have to accept it or move on to someone with a different past. My DH will always be the love of my life and the father of my children, fortunately my current partner accepts this. His marriage ended in divorce and different baggage. You cannot judge a relationship by FB posts.

PickledCauliflower · 19/12/2016 22:21

I think this is another example of social media creating problems in our lives.
Before FB your partner would have remembered his late wife on special dates, perhaps chatted to family and friends on the phone - and I am sure discussed it with you too.
Now, with social media, everything is out there - others make comments etc, and it can be difficult at times.
I wish we could go back in time and undo the creation of FB and the like.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 19/12/2016 22:22

I agree with Amarok , it's illogical to gauge your value to him based on the number of photos or posts he writes about you on social media.

He may well wish to occasionally use FB to post memorial photos of his late wife but that doesn't take away what you have together.

Original poster
Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 22:24

Reds rule - doesn't using phrases like 'love of my life' make your partner feel like second best though?

My DH was the love of the first part of my life. I have now been forced into a new life where I find myself very lucky to be in in love again - he is the love of my second life, if you like.

OP posts:
RedNoseRumble · 19/12/2016 22:26

I don't think YABU.

It's not the fact that your dp posts memories and photos etc of his late wife but the fact that you don't exist on there. Maybe he feels it will be disrespectful to his late wife and her family and friends?

If the relationship is good then don't let this become an issue.

MarjorieSimpson · 19/12/2016 22:27

What comes to my mind is that yes of course all his family. Friends etc.. will have known his dw. Of course they will have known them and him posting a photo on a special anniversary will trigger comments on that.
If people who are on FB know about you, then they will either

  • have known his dw and will make a gentle comment about it when he post a photo. They have no reason to talk about yu, even if they know you iyswim
  • have never met his dw and therefore will not be commenting.

In this instance, you just can NOT be in a situation where you will acknowledge.
However, you can carry on building memories with him, build relationship with his family and friends and in effect be as part of his life as anyone else, incl his late wife. If he isn't keen on FB, then you will get that acknowledgement from people in RL, not from posts. What do you think is worth more? A real acknowledgemet on people in RL or a 'like' or maybe a couple of words on FB?

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 19/12/2016 22:27

YABU. My MIL and her partner have pictures in their joint house of there late husband/wife.
This woman is a part of your DPs life even though she has died. Don't try to compete

BaronessEllaSaturday · 19/12/2016 22:27

I am on facebook but I don't really use facebook. My daughter's father does though so anything I post is aimed at being seen by him rather than me sharing my life, if that makes sense. Maybe your partner has never been much of a facebook user but his late wife was so what he is sharing is for her friends because it was what she would do rather than him wanting to share his life with them. Does he ever make any posts on facebook that are not related to his late wife?

Tigerpaws57 · 19/12/2016 22:28

I think you sound very sensitive and empathic op. You recognise your partner's grief and sense of loss and his need to acknowledge that to his friends and family. That is hugely to your credit. But you are a new and important part of his life and I think you also deserve to be acknowledged. The past will always matter but you are his future.

Original poster
Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 22:28

Pickled, I totally agree. FB is a pain for this and sometimes it's easier just to not know stuff

OP posts:
MarjorieSimpson · 19/12/2016 22:29

Xpost.

I can see how comments about her 'being the love of his life' is hurtful. I'm not sure how to approach it with him though. But it's certainly a question to raise with him.

Doilooklikeatourist · 19/12/2016 22:31

How long were he and his late wife together ?
( my parents were together over 40 years when Mum died and Dad found a new lady )
Why would he not put a photo of her on her birthday and the wedding anniversary ?
She was a big part of his life
Not to say that you are not a big part of his life now
Move on next year , and make some photos of the 2 of you together

Original poster
Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 22:37

FWIW, I annoyed with myself about not being able to put FB into perspective.i don't post every few days myself either.

Baroness, he posts very rarely. He has posted a couple of pictures with him in that I have taken and a few other odds and ends but not a lot. I do think there is something about that acknowledgement and connection with those who have known his wife,but like I've said, I have no issue with that.

The thing is, whilst the photos tend to prompt very emotive responses from people, he always replies with a very polite message of 'thank you, that's very kind' etc. I do feel that he is mindful of my feelings because he is just a lovely person.

Which is why I feel so crap at feeling like I've been kicked in the stomach each time it has happened.

OP posts:
blowmybarnacles · 19/12/2016 22:38

YABU - 18 months is recent and 3 times in 18 months isn't that much really. I wonder if he's not ready and you know it, sorry.

Original poster
Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 22:38

Marjorie - he's never said that, that was my response to a previous poster.

OP posts:
EnormousTiger · 19/12/2016 22:43

I don't use FB. Perhaps he doesn't really except to keep in touch with a few old friends who knew his wife - a kind of closed group for those who can grieve with him? Or does he regularly post about all kinds of current stuff? Even if he does the latter he may think you are too special to paste all over FB.

Have you and he discussed what is put on? Eg I would not want anyone I am dating ever to post anything about me on FB. Everyone should discuss these issues with each other before posting a single thing.

Roussette · 19/12/2016 22:45

You musn't feel like you've been kicked in the stomach because really that's not fair is it... has he got children, that might be another reason he posts and you know it is infrequent. The thing is, if you aren't careful it sort of comes across as jealousy and you sound lovely so I'm sure it's not that because you having been through the same would understand.

It's just bloody FB dammit!

Original poster
Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 22:47

EnormousTiger - I totally agree. I'd only ever like topost the very occasional thing myself really, maybe after a holiday or something. Mainly just because I know my friends and family are happy for me. I am certainly not thinking of filling my page with the naff 'love you babe!!' Type nonsense I see some grown women post.

For a start I'd look right a right idiot if we split up!

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 19/12/2016 22:47

Does he have photos of the two of you in the house, OP?

Tbh, if he is a very infrequent user of FB, I wouldn't feel upset by his posting occasional photos or reminisces (sic) re his wife.

If it was wall-to-wall photo bombing on a daily basis, that would be different.

Sounds as if he maybe uses FB as an outlet when he is feeling emotional/low about his wife. By posting photos, he knows he will get supportive, appreciative comments from those who knew her.

He doesn't need to do that with you, because you are here with him, and he's enjoying a happy life with you. Smile

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