To be upset about photos related to his late wife on FB?

[Festiveandfedup]

I've been dating a man for the past 18 months who is a widower (4 years). The relationship is great but I have points where things upset me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically, in the time we've been together he's posted a handful of photos related to his late wife on FB, only at significant dates. He does it sensitively, just posts a photo, no gushing comments or anything, which I have seen other widowed people do, even when they are in new relationships.

The things is, each time, I have felt very upset by it. It's not so much the photos themselves, but the comments they prompt from friends/family etc as it makes me feel like to the outside world he is still seen as part of 'them'. He hasn't ever posted photos of us together, although I know his late wife's family know about me. He doesn't post a lot generally though.

Pretty much all is FB friends will have known, been friends with, or be related to his late wife.

I just find it very hurtful that there is nothing on his page to reflect that he has had many happy times with me in the last 18 months, but instead it's almost like a memorial page. I'd be fine with I him posting things on these dates if there was just a little bit of balance, and I suppose, an acknowledgement that I exist. We take loads of photos when we are together and he regularly talks about ones that he likes of me etc.

I'm prepared to be told if I'm being unreasonable or insensitive.

Hi everyone

I'be just come back to this and wanted to thank you all for your help.

I think I'm finding it easier to put this in perspective given a lot of the comments. I do understand the need for him to acknowledge key dates with his late wife's friends and family. One thing of the irritating things I've noticed is that so many of the responses come from people I've never ever heard him mention in all the time we have been together. They are that group of people - well known to the widows amongst us - who are first in the queue when there is a bit of a drama, but are nowhere to be seen at other times. Anyway, that's just me projecting!

I don't have any worries about whether he is ready for our relationship. We've both talked about all that in the early days. I also really appreciate those if you who are widowed taking the time to share your perspective. Interestingly though, no one has said they are experiencing similar feeling whilst dating a widower - I wonder if it feels a bit uncomfortable to admit to.

I've had a quick look today and yes, his FB life is sketchy to say the least. I might still wait until an appropriate point in the new year and see if he fancies posting a couple of 'happy pictures'.

I do know three men whose wives died and actually they were better than some divorced men. The fact they loved that previous spouse and were not spending ages over dinners going on about how awful their divorce was a nice change. One sent me pictures of his late wife which he didn't send to his new girl friend (whom he then married by the way). I think some people do move on to a new partner before they are perhaps ready. I always thought that lib dem minister Vince Cable who remarried after his wife died was an example of someone who seemed to get it right - still remembered his first wife fondly but happily married to the second. Someone will now tell me he divorced the second wife or something... but I certainly remember his nice comments about both wives. Widowers also don't have the awful divorce finances and debts those of us men and women who are higher earners than our spouse suffer after divorce too. not that you can really compare the two situations

Glad you feel like you've got a bit more perspective, Festive.

My fiancé isn't a widower so I don't have experience of it from that side. Cabrinha is was with a widower, the last I heard, and really good on all this stuff but I haven't seen her around for ages. Actually, perfect opportunity to try out this tagging thing. @Cabrinha Where are yooooouuuu?

I do think it's important to be able to talk about these things but I acknowledge that they must be hard to bring up.

Is there ever any photos of you and him together on his fb

My widowered dh should be posting here as he's a completely different kettle of fish.
He removed his wedding ring after his wife died.
He went on pof just a couple of months later. He met me 7 months after his wife died. On the anniversary of her death he went to their favourite walking spot ...cant completely remember but I may have gone along as well.
He's weird though. He doesn't miss what he can't have.
We chat about her at times in the context of what he did before he met me.
Once the fist year was up, he didn't mention anniversaries to me. He very much lives in the present.
I wouldn't worry about the fb thing. Just maybe at some point ask if he'd like to post a picture of the two of you.
Maybe he feels friends and relatives might be very critical that he's got someone else.
We met his wife's cousin and her husband. Lovely people who were delighted that dh had met someone else.

He will always love his wife and grieve her passing. One of the most wonderful things I have seen is a widowed friend remarry a man that talks fondly over her late husband. Never met him. Says he wishes he had met him and is not there to replace him or what they had.

His wife's memory shouldn't just be pushed to the corner now you are on the scene. He should still be able to have photos of her out and to be able to discuss her with other people. She was after all a significant part of his life. I can imagine Christmas is a very hard time for him.

No need to be jealous. Just change your perspective and be a bit more understanding.

Jiggle, I'm sorry, but your comment has actually really upset me. If you read what I have said, you'all that at no point am I suggesting that his wife be pushed into a corner. He has some photos of her in his house and I have no issue with that - I have the same with my late husband.

I have been extremely understanding - mainly because I genuinely do understand, being the same situation myself.

What upsets me to s the absence of any balance, but some other posters have helped me understand that, for example by highlighting how some people use Facebook for different reasons.

I'm sorry YABU I'm sorry for your loss too, but he needs to grieve in a way that helps him and maybe he doesn't want to relate the memories of his late wife to his new relationship on his page which is totally fine, and I can see what you mean about it being hurtful to you but try not to take it personally it's just his way of dealing with things.

Hi Festiveandfedup I was widowed and met and married a widower. I was a young widow! We've been together 14 years and married for 10 years. I understand what you're saying. My dh doesn't use fbk but his adult children do and sometimes post pics of their mum and then there's all those replies saying how wonderful she was etc I feel hurt but I know like you, that they have a right and a need to remember and celebrate their mum so i say nothing and often click "like" My dh keeps her photos around the house and I accept them as part of his life but I've made sure there's photos of us around too. I get hurt when his kids tell our grandchildren about their "real granny" - What does that make me? There's times when I feel I don't exist in their eyes. I want to be accepted as me and not "not their mum" My dh talks to me about his first wife and I don't mind as she sounds like someone I'd have liked could have been friend with. I talk to his kids too about her too.
In the early years that we were together I felt like everywhere we went it was all theirs friends - looking at me and comparing me to her now I realise that we're seen by everyone as a couple even by their old friends and relatives - a few still ignore me as If I'm not there.
My oh always says to me and others that I'm different to his 1st wife and he loves me for me not because I'm 2nd best or a replacement.
I'd just keep at it's a hard road to travel on. Be yourself and people will accept you for yourself. Keep projecting yourselves to people as a couple - put plenty of photos around the house And I wouldn't worry about the Facebook pics - at least don't show that you're upset by them - whatever you do😀 they'll fizzle out in time. Good luck - and plenty of patience

Nell, thank you for such a lovely response and for being so honest. You're right, this is a hard road at home at times and it is still early days for us. However, it just shows that even after a longer time, things can still be said or done that provoke a reaction in us, even if our logical head tells us we are being unreasonable etc.

I think the term 'real granny' is very hurtful though and I'd also be upset by it. Maybe the only way to cope is to add it to the list of 'daft things people say to or around widows'. I have quite a few examples myself!

yanbu, you are not upset/annoyed about his late wives pics, just that you would like a mention every now and again

perfectly normal in the circumstances

tbh unless been in your shoes (as i and few others on mn have been} 'waves to sommerville' people cant understand

dh died 6yrs ago next year, suicide, his choice and i have come to terms/at peace what he did

on fb i will mention his anniversary, and birthday, so twice a year, and yes friends will always comment they miss him etc

life goes on, for everyone else anyway, and it should for us left behind, so festive meeting someone is good, no one should be alone forever, not not enjoy life again, and you wanting the odd pic of you and dp is normal

i have met someone, engaged and baby due next year, he is supportive and understanding and knows how much i love him, i always say he gave me my smile back

some people who have never suffered loss of a partner cant understand how some widows can meet someone and lead a happy life again

surely that means we didnt love our husbands/partners ......

i use the child analogy

you have a baby, you love your first born with a passion, yet when no 2 arrives you dont love no 1 anyless or no anymore, you just love them

i feel lucky that i have met 2 wonderful loving men in my lifes, some people dont even meet one

festive talk to dp, maybe after new year, get a lovely pic of you and post it on fb, you say you dont post many/tag him, so maybe he doesnt post pics of you

Glad to help Festiveand fedup us widows have got to stick together I like the idea of stupid thoughtless things people say to widows thread my step daughter decided that she could cope with the idea of her dad being with me better if she thought of us as two lonely people keeping each other company in our old age - it's not about love sex etc . She's fine now and we get on well. I notice some of our xmas cards are addressed to DH only when they know there's me too.

My adult stepson is lovely on the surface but there's a underlying very subtle hostility - that's just a bit too strong a word for it, more like a blocking of me.

For me it's that constant struggle to be seen as me, I'm not asking to be compared to his first wife and I've never set myself up in competition with her - nor her with me!

Better a widower who had a loving relationship than a divorcee moaning about child support and his difficult divorce and droning out about his ex wife and their issues

My DHs sister in law who's married to his ex wife's brother has been great and she tells me that "we were pleased he met you and you're now a loved part of our family" - which is great to hear because not many tell you things like this, and we're all so busy walking on eggshells trying to to offend anyone.

Sorry "trying not to offend anyone

Hi OP, you said above that no-one admits to feeling the same as you when dating a widower, so I have logged in to say that I felt very much the same way as you are describing and it is one of the reasons we split up.

We met when he had been widowed about 4 years and we dated for about 2 years. He had made a conscious decision to start dating again and I was his first attempt. It didn't help that it was also long-distance but I was willing to give it my best shot.

After we had been seeing each other just over a year I had to cancel a trip when his late wife's parents had to unexpectedly extend a visit to his home town and he confessed that he hadn't told them he was dating again and didn't want them to meet me. That was several hundred pounds of plane ticket in the bin but more importantly I felt really hurt that I was some sort of dirty secret.

I realised that I had no photos of us together and he posted none to his FB. If he 'checked in' somewhere it wasn't mentioned that we were there together.

I organised and paid for a weekend in London and he spent most of one evening over dinner telling me how they met and fell in love. There's being willing to understand that he will always love and miss his first wife and then there's having your face rubbed in it.

We had to cancel plans for another holiday when he decided it would remind him too much of his late wife and he wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I said something rather cruel and he couldn't forgive me for it. So we split up.

She was 'the love of his life' and I was just the woman he fucked. He had no interest in building any sort of joint life with me.

I'm sorry, that's very bleak, but that's how I felt in the end. Humilatingly, I still love him and would go back now if he asked me.

I'm sorry lamal, it sounds like you were treated very badly by him.

Maybe this was because he wasn't ready to date and was somehow still stuck in a grieving process after 4 years. However, it could also just be that he isn't someone who treats people well. I think sometimes that gets forgotten - just because someone is a widow/er, it doesn't always mean they were a great person. I've seen many examples of inconsiderate behaviour from widowed people and they can't always fall back on their grief as an excuse.

I hope you're able to move forward and find someone who deserves you.

Thanks, Festive. I do think he wasn't ready, he wanted to be but he wasn't. Which is perfectly understandable.

Also I think you need cast-iron self esteem to date a widowed person and I don't have that!

Sorry you went through that. He sounds like a bit of a shit. Grief doesn't trump decency and kindness - nothing does.

lamal not all widowers are like they - sounds like he wasn't ready and felt guilt meeting you. Which again is normal - I felt/feel guilt - still do at times but as said before the ones left behind do deserve to love and be loved

Waves madly to sumerville glad all going for well with new partner

How long have you got to go now Blondes? It still hasn't quite sunk in for me how dramatically our lives have changed for the better since we were talking earlier this year.

OP, you sound lovely and really, really sane! I think it's brave of you to admit that you find this upsetting, and to seek reassurance!

I wanted to add: I think different people use social media in different ways. DH tweets 'professionally', but doesn't understand Facebook at all, and avoids it at all costs. I'm the opposite - I have no work-related social media, but I use it to keep in touch with a wider network of people. In both cases, what we write is influenced by the specific audience we are speaking to.

There is no right or wrong way, it's just different. Chances are that your DH interacts with a particular group who knew his late wife on Facebook, and that this is reflected in the content he posts. It's not necessarily a reflection of his attitude to you that you're not 'included' on there - because Facebook and any other social media outlet is never a full reflection of a whole life.

I think you are slightly unreasonable but I have never been in that situation so I really am not sure. I think getting upset when he does posts about her is not the right reaction but it's fair to wonder if when he is going to post stuff about you.

That said, I think you should post stuff on Facebook rather than follow his lead. Put a few of the Xmas photos up and see what happens.

15w which seems forever .......

Op - def put up a pic of the two of you

Thanks everyone for your comments

Shovetheholly - I haven't felt very sane about all this but it is lovely of you to say so! I sound sane when I think with my head and work it through logically, taking into account lots of the comments people have made here. It's the 'heart' bit that sends me slightly off balance, the irrational, emotional reaction, that I feel embarrassed about if I'm honest.

I've been thinking about how people use FB differently. It's strange - I use it for posting occasional happy photos, say of me and my family, or holidays etc. I'd never bare my soul on it, which I suppose if reflected in my me not using it in relation to my late husband.

I think I will post a photo in the new year, but I'd discuss it with him first.

OP - you are definitely not being unreasonable. I would feel the same if my DP did that. Although I am sure you'll understand better than I do (divorced not widowed) but there is something I find difficult about the fact he didn't choose to end it with her. It's like I am there by chance. He doesn't post about her on his FB but I've no idea if he posts on her memorial page. I think I'd be quite hurt if he did, I know she is part of his life but when you are divorced it's almost as if people do not allow you the same feelings of sadness etc on an anniversary of the relationship when a choice was made to end it.

Thanks peppatax. I get that about divorce. A lot is widows get quite incensed by any comparison of divorce with bereavement but I don't. You've still had to deal with the ending of a relationship, and in some cases a lot of ongoing difficulties. The other thing is a lot of divorced people didn't chose to end their relationship either - their husband/wife left them. Just as in the case of a bereavement, someone in that situation can't just turn off feelings of love overnight, and it's entirely understandable that at times you would reflect on that with sadness.