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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset about photos related to his late wife on FB?

105 replies

Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 21:39

I've been dating a man for the past 18 months who is a widower (4 years). The relationship is great but I have points where things upset me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically, in the time we've been together he's posted a handful of photos related to his late wife on FB, only at significant dates. He does it sensitively, just posts a photo, no gushing comments or anything, which I have seen other widowed people do, even when they are in new relationships.

The things is, each time, I have felt very upset by it. It's not so much the photos themselves, but the comments they prompt from friends/family etc as it makes me feel like to the outside world he is still seen as part of 'them'. He hasn't ever posted photos of us together, although I know his late wife's family know about me. He doesn't post a lot generally though.

Pretty much all is FB friends will have known, been friends with, or be related to his late wife.

I just find it very hurtful that there is nothing on his page to reflect that he has had many happy times with me in the last 18 months, but instead it's almost like a memorial page. I'd be fine with I him posting things on these dates if there was just a little bit of balance, and I suppose, an acknowledgement that I exist. We take loads of photos when we are together and he regularly talks about ones that he likes of me etc.

I'm prepared to be told if I'm being unreasonable or insensitive.

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 19/12/2016 22:49

YABU. She was a part of his life and you knew that when you started dating him.

Original poster
Festiveandfedup · 19/12/2016 22:51

Verybitchy (great name) - no he doesn't have photos of us in the hous but has loads on his phone which I know he looks at regularly as he'll sometimes send me one with a little comment

OP posts:
TattyCat · 19/12/2016 22:53

Op, if there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that my life is not validated by Facebook or what I do or don't post on there. It's vacuous at best and whilst it's a useful tool for keeping in touch with people, it's very intrusive.

For your own sake, rise above FB, keep your own counsel and most importantly, live in the here and now and enjoy your relationship.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 19/12/2016 23:10

I wonder if he is trying to spare the feelings of his late wife's family and friends? Since most of his FB friends seem to be connected to her, perhaps he's just trying to be sensitive to their feelings?

PuppetInParadize · 19/12/2016 23:19

OP, from what you've said it sounds like it's the responses of others to those photos that upsets you. The thing is for those people who knew and loved your dp's first wife then there is also a grieving process. They will be missing her and seeing pictures will trigger responses. Like you and others have said he can put whatever he wants on FB, and other people can comment. I can see why you are upset - but it's not the photos as such that are the problem, but the lack of any photos of you, is that right? So can you talk to him about it and see if there's a solution?

Also some people view photos of living people as less necessary than those of dead and missed people. Obvs I don't know if that's the case here. But if he feels like that, he will see you regularly in life whereas that's not an option now with his late wife. (I don't know if I've explained that well enough, sorry)

CauliflowerBalti · 19/12/2016 23:27

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My partner doesn't post anything at all about me on his Facebook and tbh it pisses me off. Not to the point that I'd say anything - I have perspective, it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things, I know he loves me - but it still pisses me off.

I'd be upset in your shoes too. It's not about replacing his wife. It's about an equal balance between remembering the past and looking forward to the future. It would be better if he didn't mention either of you, given his infrequent posting habits...

But he sounds like a very loving, reasonable and sensitive man. Start by tagging him in a photo you like. See what happens. It's probably complete thoughtlessness on his part, rather than anything pointed.

Italiangreyhound · 19/12/2016 23:27

YANBU at all.

I think he should acknowledge you publicly more. It should not upset those who also loved his late wife to see him happy with someone else.

Try and rise above Facebook and not be too worried by it. The fact you are concerned makes me wonder if he has given you any reasons not to be sure of his love. If he has given you no reasons for concern, then do not let this worry you. Just enjoy being together but do talk about this together sometime if you find you need to.

SignOnTheWindow · 19/12/2016 23:53

Festive I am also a widow (7 yrs) and have remarried. Like your DH, I'm not a huge FB poster but I always post something thoughtful and poignant on DH1's birthday and the anniversary of his death. I do it because I feel these dates are good times to acknowledge that he is gone and that his loss is felt deeply. However, if I'm being really honest, I think that doing it in this public way might be a way for me to let other people know that moving forward does not mean that the pain of his dying has gone - I still get sad and need support. It is also, I think, in part to reassure them that my being happily married now does not mean I have forgotten DH1. I love DH2 fiercely. From the photos of you that your DH2 has on his phone, it sounds like he loves you very much indeed.

I hope this makes some sort of sense!

P.S. I don't think that YABU - feelings are feelings and it is hard being married to a widower, even when you yourself have been widowed. Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 20/12/2016 00:04

SignOnTheWindow what a lovely post. Xmas Smile

JoyfulAndTriumphant · 20/12/2016 00:55

I was going to say what Zippy said. Maybe he feels it would be insensitive to post pics etc if you when his late wife's family and friends can all see it?

I don't think I would do that in his situation. Might be upsetting.

KarmaNoMore · 20/12/2016 01:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somerville · 20/12/2016 01:21

I can sympathise with how you feel about it. But it's been my experience that when my husband died I could no longer use FB for lighthearted updates, because there have been too many times I've tried to and then been jolted back into grief and sorrow at someone tagging me in something about how much they miss DH. Or had a well meaning but upsetting comment referencing me happily moving on Hmm because my children and I managed to go on holiday or whatever. (And this is despite having memorialised DH's own Fb page, and updating it regularly, in the hope that all his friends and wider family messages about him would go on there and not on mine.)
I bristled when my boyfriend (now fiancé) brought up FB. I knew using it like he does wasn't going to work for me. But his issue was that my profile still said I was married. Oops. I changed that and was only annoyed that he hadn't raised it as soon as he saw it. He'd been feeling upset about it for a few weeks. So I really would encourage you to talk to your DP. But at the same time to recognise that the reasons he uses FB as he does might run deeper than just habit/preferences.

BTW - I entirely agree with you about second partners not needing to feel second best. I'm lucky enough to have met the second great love of my life and he truly is - even though he doesn't get mentioned on FB much! He introduced me to Instagram though and that's more fun anyway... Smile

kali110 · 20/12/2016 02:28

I think yabu, as it sounds as if he barely uses fb!
3 times in 18 months and some of them to marks special events?
I don't think you need him to put pics of you together, or status up, it's not important.
It's only fb! ( which he doesn't use).
If he was on it everyday i'd say he should be acknowledging your existence, but he barely exists on there himself.
Sounds like he uses it just to acknowledge special events to his late wife.

AbernathysFringe · 20/12/2016 02:50

I know many people will disagree, but I make it a point never to have the person I'm dating on my FB friends. It removes opportunities for misinterpretation, jealousy, irritation etc and, if you're seeing each other on a regular basis, why do you need to look at his social media, really? It's not real life and it's living in each other's pockets a bit, I think. Just a suggestion as it works for me.

Peanutandphoenix · 20/12/2016 03:39

Your being very very unreasonable and making yourself sound very heartless he is obviously still grieving for his late wife and we all grieve in different ways posting pictures probably helps him but he can't just completely cut his wife out of his life like she never happened she was a bigger and longer part of his life than you so you will just have to learn how to accept the odd few pictures going up on social media or move on with your own life. I have friends on my Facebook who still post messages for loved ones that they have lost like their mum wishing her a happy birthday and on the anniversary of her death because that helps them to grieve. You seriously need to get a grip and get over yourself. If you want pictures of the 2 of you all over social media then post them yourself. But don't bring it up with him.

merrymouse · 20/12/2016 03:52

If he only really uses FB to communicate with people about his wife, I think you need to accept that that is how he uses Facebook. You might not like the situation, but it is likely that he is concerned about upsetting her friends and relatives by putting more general updates in their news feeds.

If he were a frequent user and was deliberately trying to hide your existence, I think you would have a point.

Pluto30 · 20/12/2016 03:54

YABU.

I understand where you're coming from on wanting him to recognise your relationship, but I do think YABU.

I think it's likely that he's posting these photos as much to keep her alive in other peoples' memories as he is his own memory. I know what it's like to lose someone close. The more time that goes by, the less people tend to remember them. Four years isn't long, but it's long enough for her to no longer be a daily thought in many people who knew her's minds. By posting a picture of her on those dates, he not only takes that time to remember her himself, but forces (for lack of a better word) everyone else to at least remember/think about her on those days.

She's never going to not be a part of his life. My mum was widowed when I was very young, and she went on to have a couple of long-term relationships, but she always spoke most highly of my dad/her husband. Because their relationship ended through no fault of their own, not by choice etc. there is never going to be the hostility, or desire to "move on" completely like there is when the relationship breaks down for other reasons. You're always going to think about what might've been.

I would suggest that it's also possible that he hasn't moved on in the same way that you have. You appear to have accepted your late husband's passing and you're ready to move forward, but that takes a lot longer for some people (and it never happens for others). It's quite possible that even though it's been four years, he's not truly committed in the way that you are, and that's something you'll have to consider if you think there's any truth to that.

merrymouse · 20/12/2016 03:57

On the other hand, the situation must be difficult to avoid if these posts appear in your news feed.

I agree with Abernathy - maybe you shouldn't be Facebook friends?

Mrsglitterpants · 20/12/2016 04:24

I think definitely YANBU. It doesn't sound like he is considering your feelings at all in this - you've been seeing each other for some time now and he should be. Of course he has every right to post pictures of his wife but he should also think about you, his current partner of over a year.

SelfCleaningVagina · 20/12/2016 04:32

Try to look at this logically and impartially. If it had been his best mate or his sister or his mother that died you'd have absolutely no problem with him doing this. It's no different to that really - she was a hugely important part of his life and that won't change the minute he starts to date again.

I understand it's a bit different to his mum or his sister in that it has the ability to make you feel a bit insecure, wondering if you are second best, and frankly you quite possibly are, but she's dead. There is no point in feeling jealous of someone who is dead. She's not coming back to take him off you. He's not going to one day decide that he wants to get back together with her.

Ludoole · 20/12/2016 05:13

Im a widow and im also in a relationship. I acknowledge my late husband on facebook on certain anniversaries as we shared friends and i dont want them to think ive moved on and forgotten my late husband.
However i also share lots of pictures of my current partner but i am on facebook a lot Blush

GirlOverboard · 20/12/2016 05:54

I think you are being oversensitive. He rarely uses Facebook and he's only posted pictures of his late wife 3 times in 18 months (and 2 of those times were on the anniversary of her death). It sounds like he's posting them for the benefit of his late wife's family and friends rather than for himself. I think he's just being respectful of their feelings. And yes, I'm sure someone will argue that he's not being respectful of your feelings, however he can show you every day that he cares about you. What he posts on social media is less significant.

If he was a regular Facebook user and/or if he was posting pictures of his late wife every week, then I could see your point. But yeah, I think YABU and need to leave it alone.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/12/2016 06:43

I'm sorry to say this, but. Yes he still loves his wife. Just as you still love your Husband. It was death that intervened. Not growing a part.

Of course he's still part of her family.
He always will be.

lovelearning · 20/12/2016 07:40

loads on his phone which I know he looks at regularly as he'll sometimes send me one with a little comment

Festiveandfedup: He's crazy about you!!!

Forget Facebook and focus on the here and now.

Don't stumble over something behind you.

  • Seneca the Younger
Guavaf1sh · 20/12/2016 08:14

YABU

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