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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas table controversy

463 replies

Tabbylady · 18/12/2016 17:47

We always spend christmas with my parents. Me and DH, our 2 DSs, Dsis and her family and DB and his. There are big age gaps between us siblings and therefore the cousins.

Since kids came on the scene they've been at a separate "kids" table for reasons of space and my parents being OTT about "mess" (plastic tablecloths, no alcohol, kids crackers etc)

My sister's daughter is much older than the other kids and has selflessly put up with this for years and we've always had a little private joke about how silly it is. She's nearly 22. This year, my DB (aged 40) split with his long term partner and is planning on bringing his new girlfriend, aged 25...

My DN was a bit Xmas Shock about all this, being quite close with DB, but has lost the plot about the ongoing table arrangements. I think she's probably projecting anger about other stuff onto this situation (loss of DBs partner who we all liked etc) but she is threatening not to come if new GF gets "treated like a grown up" while she's subjected to a boozeless christmas dinner with the little ones.

I am actually quite supportive of her- there must be a more inclusive way to do it all- and have said so to DPs who are having none of it. This silly thing is threatening a bit of a rift- me, DH, DSis and BIL and DN all on same side with the rest of them on the other. Suspect DBs new GF has no clue.

AIBU to support my DN in this admittedly a bit silly fuss? How would you resolve it?

OP posts:
HamletsSister · 19/12/2016 22:38

RTFF

MrsBlennerhassett · 19/12/2016 22:43

Am so happy you are doing something about this you are deffo another True Christmas Hero!!!! xx

raspberrysuicide · 19/12/2016 22:57

Why can't she have alcohol where ever she sits?

SugaredSocks · 19/12/2016 23:04

Shameless place marking. Well done you op and I love the sound of your table too.

Bogeyface · 19/12/2016 23:25

Because Raspberry according to mother it would be a bad influence on the younger children Hmm

I suspect that mother is "one glass with dinner only, anymore is a drink problem" kind of person, my mother is just the same. You have a glass of wine, go to pour another and get "havent you had enough?" I used to just go without, but now I drink what I want on the basis that I am a 43 year old woman and can decide for myself!

TheProblemOfSusan · 19/12/2016 23:26

This sounds like it's having a WONDERFUL outcome!! Definitely phone your dad direct and get a complete YES from him - sounds like it's in the bag anyway - and then hopefully your mum will see sense and you can have a brilliant chaos ridden fun filled Christmas at yours. How bloody lovely.

Random aside: my parents have a glorious mahogany table. It's beautiful. I've seen it. Once. They've had it longer than they've had me, and I'm pretty old, and for the ENTIRE FLIPPING TIME it's been covered by a carefully precision cut heatproof lining mat and a tablecloth. The legs are lovely, at least the 5" one can see of them.

I totally get that protecting your beautiful things is important and I totally would too, heatproof mat and everything, but having it uncovered so everyone can appreciate it once is a while is great too.

charliethebear · 19/12/2016 23:33

I hope your parents do come to yours for Xmas op! Glad this is at least partially sorted.
I don't really understand why dn was ever on the kids table tbh, she's 8 years older than the 2nd oldest, therefore would have been at least 10 before DN2 could join her on the kids table, and at least 12 before any other children could. Was she sitting alone all this time?or was she in fact allowed to sit at the adults table as a child but not as an adult? Did she have to join the kids table at 12 with a bunch of toddlers? Your poor DN

NewPapaGuinea · 19/12/2016 23:39

If space is an issue then if anyone should be at the kids table it's one the parents of said children. I can sympathise with your niece as she's quietly being putting up with this for years, but is now seeing a newbie coming in and getting bumped up the pecking order above her!

Pretty amazed other grown adults think treating someone like this is acceptable!

CockacidalManiac · 19/12/2016 23:54

These are my favourite threads; tension, a clever and funny OP who updates and I fall half in love with

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/12/2016 23:58

Ooh. I'm torn. I totally agree with MargaretCavendish. If this thread was in November I'd think the OP was a hero, but changing plans less than a week before Christmas seems harsh. My (perfectly lovely) DM would be gutted if we did this to her. I think sorting the seating arrangements (e.g. by offering to take the ikea table there) would have been fairer this year.

TheStoic · 20/12/2016 00:05

Gosh this takes me back...the running joke in my family is that I'm always on the kids table - due to me being much younger than my siblings and closer in age to their children!

I can't even remember when I 'graduated' to the grown-ups table, but I'm pretty sure I was younger than 22.

Mind you, the young adults 'kids' table is where it's all happening these days. Give it 5 years and your niece may want to be back there. Grin

Original poster
Tabbylady · 20/12/2016 00:22

charliethebear makes a good point. Yes there was a period of time before DN2 was born/self-feeding that DN1 sat perched on the grown up table. But.... and I have avoided saying this but hey we've come this far..

I am by far the youngest of my siblings. DS and DB 42 and 40. DS had DN youngish.

So before that, when DN was younger and I was still at school, I sat with her at the child table. I graduated on escaping marrying young and it was deemed cruel to leave her alone.. until DN2 came along.

There has always been a child table. (Well not for much longer....)

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 20/12/2016 00:28

I feel sorry for your mum though in that the stress of being so worried about mess means that she is missing out on so much fun.

My mum used to be like this although she has got a bit better in recent years. She has accepted that mess will happen at big family dinners, although she is rarely seen without a cloth in her hand ready to deal with the inevitable spill! Bibs and cloths and waterproof floor coverings and god knows what....it was exhausting just watching her.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 20/12/2016 01:34

Ah, just read the full thread and honestly, it was a good'n.

I love that you pulled out "THINK OF THE POOR CATS!" Xmas Grin

Hope Christmas goes well! Make sure your dn makes a toastWine

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 20/12/2016 04:27

Wow. Just read the full thread.
Your niece is a bloody saint!
Your husband is great for taking the bull by the horns.
Your cats sound adorable.
Your neighbour sounds odd.
Your mother is totally insane.
Your brother'a new girlfriend is probably clueless.
Your new plans for Christmas Day are really nice & accommodating.
We need a photo of your table. And your cats actually. One photo with both perhaps?

I'm not place marking at all. Not at all.
Please keep us updated!!

YouTheCat · 20/12/2016 07:35

Can you do a running update thread on Christmas day please in between cooking and hosting and drinking and eating ? I'm sure you'll have the time. Grin

Waltermittythesequel · 20/12/2016 07:39

I think the thread is turning a bit nasty now.

OP is being kind of horrible about her mother (and even db's gf who has no family in the UK), all egged on gleefully by posters who won't suffer the consequences.

Yes, the mother's way of doing things is utterly mad and no, niece shouldn't have to put up with it.

But it's days before Christmas and everyone here chuckling about how put out the mother is, when something that's been done for years has suddenly been whipped away, is just mean.

CockacidalManiac · 20/12/2016 07:45

I notice that you'd already had a go at the OP earlier in the thread, waltermitty.
Are you projecting?

Waltermittythesequel · 20/12/2016 07:46

Yes, I'm the mahogany table. Hmm

MachineBee · 20/12/2016 07:46

That's not quite right Walter, she's been trying to get her DM to try other arrangements but DM hasn't been prepared to consider any other format for Xmas.

Waltermittythesequel · 20/12/2016 07:49

I know her mother has been U. I just think inviting loads of people to ridicule her and finding her discomfort oh so hilarious is out of order.

But then, I actually like my mother.

THirdEeye · 20/12/2016 07:54

How is the OP being nasty....Hmm

Personally, I think her DM dictating where everyone sits, who can/cannot drink is just ludicrous (especially as some of the GC are over 18years old).

Waltermittythesequel · 20/12/2016 07:57

It is ludicrous. I said so on the first page.

Now it's just page after page of how bat shit the mother is etc etc. And OP relishing how wonderful MNers think she is.

But none of us have to live her life and deal with the consequences of this.

SamineShaw · 20/12/2016 08:18

Loved this thread! I'm glad there appears to be a solution, please keep us updated on how it goes. Poor new GF doesn't know what she's getting herself into 😂 Welcome to family Christmas!

I do sympathise, our family took sides over what I believe to be an entirely imagined slight and left me, DH and kids firmly in the middle, talking to both sides (but never mentioning the other!) Christmas is always tricky but usually ends up working out ok.

Original poster
Tabbylady · 20/12/2016 09:07

Goodness, they're all coming now and DPs would like to stay on Christmas Eve. Dont know how DF has convinced her but he has. This is unprecedented! But will I hope be lovely for the kids to have GPs there for present opening. DB and new GF are going to take them home after dinner. Apparently this is mainly down to new GF being a bit eek about a whole day with millions of new people - which I entirely understand - and will be nice for DPs to spend a bit more face time with her.

Now to sort out the junk spare room as well! Ah well I brought this on myself.

Indeed waltermitty but I would say- for what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?

OP posts: