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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... Unannounced Visitors

210 replies

LouBlue1507 · 17/12/2016 13:30

Hi Ladies!

Just wondering other people's views on unannounced visitors?

I hate it, and it stresses me out massively! I find it rude and would never do it to someone else.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/12/2016 16:30

I think it's friendly and anyone who does it I know well and actually wouldn't have anything better to do than sit and have a natter and a cuppa with a mate.

Oblomov16 · 19/12/2016 16:46

I don't think I have ever had an unannounced visitor. Ever. But if I did, it wouldn't bother me. I think I'd quite like it.

Who are all these people that do this though?

DeleteOrDecay · 19/12/2016 16:48

I'm not a fan either, I always prefer a quick call or text beforehand but now I accept that my mum of PIL will occasionally drop by without checking first, I don't like it but I can live with it as long as it doesn't happen too frequently.

Felyne · 19/12/2016 16:50

Hate it. I feel anxious enough having people over who I've actually invited. (I wish I knew why...?)

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/12/2016 17:11

Oblomov the post lady pops in for a quick drink most days, my mum will pop in at some point while walking the dog, any friends that are passing or dropping something off will pop in and a couple of close friends that call by. I'm not fussed if I'm not dressed or the place is messy and they clearly aren't as they keep coming Grin

ChocolateWombat · 19/12/2016 17:50

As a student before mobile phones, we all did it, all the time at random times of day and night....and I loved it.

As an early 20s with a big group of friends, it was fairly common too.

Doesn't happen so much now, because often close friends aren't in walking distance. When it does happen, my house is invariably a mess, which I'd rather it wasn't, but this doesn't make me wish those people hadn't popped by...it usually is a quick cup of tea.....most people don't arrive impromptu expecting more.

I've noticed that where my inlaws live, people are dropping into theirs all the time. They have lots of friends and are retired....busy, but with plenty of time....involved in lots of things and know lots of people and hugely sociable and gracious, so that those appearing feel welcome, even if it is a bit inconvenient. And they are laid back and recognise that most things can wait a bit and people are actaually important.

I think a lot of our attitudes towards this kind of thing comes down to whether we are gracious people or not.....whether we are willing to put others first and make them feel at ease, even if it's a a bit inconvenient. I don't think I'm as gracious as my inlaws, but I'd like to become more open and welcoming like them to be honest.

ChocolateWombat · 19/12/2016 17:53

And I'd like to be in a society where we can presume upon our friends .....where it's okay to turn up with a need, or for a chat without worry about putting people out, because we know they value us. I'd like to have that level of confidence in more people than I do at the moment, and for them to have it in me too.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/12/2016 17:56

My thoughts exactly Chocolate Smile

ChozzleopsTheThird · 19/12/2016 18:52

I hate when my mum does it, but friends I'd be happy to call in. However my mum is the type to just unlock the door (she has a key) or peer through the window if we don't answer.

Due our first child in feb and I'm already anxious about her popping round all the time.

dingdongthewitchishere · 19/12/2016 18:57

Life is not the same when you are a student or retired, and when you have young children and jobs. Things cannot wait, you can't be late for school/ activities, you can't really be late for parties. You have deadlines for work, doctor/ dentist appointments, homework to do, food to make, bedtime routine. If you have friends and family staying over for the weekend, there are things to prepare, visits that are planned but also more homework and things for the kids to do.

It would be lovely to be able to sit down for a cup of tea at random times with friends, but it really doesn't work like that. If I can't work on some work projects in the morning when the kids are at school, I won't be able to do it until they are in bed. Saying we'are busy sounds like a cliche, but it is what happens when you are responsible for children.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/12/2016 19:03

So you just say your busy at and arrange another time.

SaucyJack · 19/12/2016 19:12

I just did a sick in my mouth reading your posts Chocolate.

Be more cat.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 19/12/2016 19:23

Chozzle, changing a lock is easy.

Which kind of lock do you have? I could find you a video on how to do it.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/12/2016 19:23

Cat?

phoenix1973 · 19/12/2016 19:31

I've changed as I've got older. They don't bother me but I'm more relaxed now. As long as they take me as they find me and my home and don't want to be "entertained" that's fine.
Problem is, my partner HATES unannounced visitors. I don't blame him. His job is horrid and stressful but I would like more of an open house like I had growing up. I'm an introvert as well, but as I get older I inderstand how important it is to see people you care about.

SaucyJack · 19/12/2016 19:32

Yeah. Cat.

Do cats tie themselves up in knots worrying about if they're being gracious enough hosts? Do they fuck.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/12/2016 19:36

You got that from Chocolate's post, that she's worrying about being a gracious host?

ChozzleopsTheThird · 19/12/2016 19:44

KingJoffrey she would be devastated, she uses the key to come and collect the dog who she looks after while I'm at work. She helps us out in so many ways. I feel guilty for not wanting these pop ins.

From Chocolates post I got "don't do what others want you to do, do what you want" I'm thinking of the be more dog advert from last year.

ChozzleopsTheThird · 19/12/2016 19:45

KingJoffrey she would be devastated, she uses the key to come and collect the dog who she looks after while I'm at work. She helps us out in so many ways. I feel guilty for not wanting these pop ins.

From Chocolates post I got "don't do what others want you to do, do what you want" I'm thinking of the be more dog advert from last year.

PollytheDolly · 19/12/2016 19:53

Ugh. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

I'm a miserable bastard Grin

Ladydepp · 19/12/2016 21:49

I love it, but the only people who do it are people I like. DH hates it Hmm

PicardsCombOver · 20/12/2016 11:52

I have an open door policy in my home. The people who matter to me know that if they knock they won't be answered and they should walk in. This approach backfired recently. My Aunt and her family moved very near us recently and would pop down to borrow my phone/use the WiFi. I was having a nap on the sofa whilst DS was in nursery and DH was in work and woke up to see a very large man (my cousin) sitting on the sofa opposite me and I screamed Blush he didn't wake me up, not even a friendly 'Hello I'm here' type warning. He was just sat there. I should point out he is on the autistic spectrum and social cues can be a struggle for him, we laugh about it now.

Dizzybug52 · 20/12/2016 13:14

My Dad used to just turn up, usually when I'd done night shift and was going to snooze, i used to moan to my DP about it. He died while on holiday last year and I'd give anything for him to pop round now...visitors visit because they love you! However irritating it is!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/12/2016 13:18

Depending on numbers involved I feel a momentary frisson of panic - have we food in, is the house in a state - then it's all right.

Can't say I risk it with many I know, just out of consideration.

ChozzleopsTheThird · 20/12/2016 13:31

That's probably changed my mind totally Dizzy I would love for my dad to be able to pop in, it's the anniversary of his death today and nothing would make me happier than to be able to chat with him. I will try to be more tolerant.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers