Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rude mum at playgroup

165 replies

Jellybean14 · 16/12/2016 19:18

Hi all, my 2 year old is at that age where she likes to hit other kids. She does it usually when she thinks other kids are taking her toys. I've tried explaining it's not nice to hit and am tried my best to manage her. I've also got a 5 month old who demands a lot of my time. Anyway the reason for the post is today when I went to playgroup I was approached very aggressively by a rude mum who said my daughter was hitting all the kids ( she wasn't) and that she hit her girl and made her cry ( I didn't see it happen but maybe she did). I calmly apologised and explained how tough it is having to manage two, to which she said something along the lines of, I have two kids too and I can manage. She demanded my girl apologise to her daughter which she did, but just went on and on about the hitting. I felt really embarassed and now angry that she made me feel this way. I don't mind she approached be but the manner was quite shocking! Am I being unreasonable to expect her to be more understanding? Perhaps share her experience and maybe say, I know how hard it is.... rather than being rude?

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 16/12/2016 22:23

You should have been watching your child. Another parent should not have had to come and tell you she was doing this.
You don't know what your child was doing. Nor do you know how she was hitting. Nor do you know how many times she was hitting the other child and how many times she made her cry.

If you cannot effectively supervise your child then you have to look at ways to resolve this.

Yes it's hard. My middle one was a hitter. Older sibling would be rampaging around the place ), middle one would want to batter anyone who looked at her, and youngest was a few months old. I couldnt do it and unless I had something in place for the youngest, we didn't go.
Same with the library sessions if no one to help we didn't go because of the oldest.
Plus many other activities at difficult child times.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 16/12/2016 22:25

The thing is that you asked and we answered.

bigbuttons · 16/12/2016 22:27

If your child is a hitter you don't sit down, you follow them everywhere. It's very simple. I had 6 kids in 8 years. Only one was a biter and when at toddler group I stuck to her like glue with a baby strapped to me. It's not bloody rocket science. However I was amazed by the amount of parents and cm who happily ignored their charges whilst they sat down and chatted.

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2016 22:28

Another parent should not have had to come and tell you she was doing this.

ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus · 16/12/2016 22:28

Oh grow a pair op.

WeDoNotSow · 16/12/2016 22:30

I can't see why the other parent got frustrated. Not at all.

UserOne · 16/12/2016 22:32

If you know your kid hits, you can't just leave them to their own devices. You need to keep a careful eye on them. And why would she automatically be understanding and it be a shared experience? Not every child does hit. Some kids hit and are taught not to, some kids (lucky parents) don't ever hit.
I would have thought you'd be more understanding of the fact that she is upset that her child has been hurt by another child, who according to her had been hitting others too and wasn't stopped.

I have seen a few times now, parents thinking others should just understand and accept their child hurting another child, I think it's ridiculous. I've seen parents approach the parent of the hitter, just to be told "oh she's only 3, she doesn't know yet"
Yes...that makes it ok then Confused
If another child was hurting your child, I wonder if you'd be as understanding as you expect others to be.

Yes, it's hard keeping an eye on two, but you already know that, and you also know you have a child who hits others. So either avoid these places unless you have help with you, or leave the little one at home.
You can't expect people to be ok with their child being hurt and it looking like the parent is doing nothing about it.

Florrieboo · 16/12/2016 22:32

Sounds like there was a rude mum alright and it wasn't the one who had to tell someone else that her child was doing the hitting.

Lunar1 · 16/12/2016 22:32

You didn't know she'd hit this child till you were told, so how do you know she hadn't been hitting all the others. Parents who don't bother to parent really ruin these groups.

maldini · 16/12/2016 22:42

Watch your damn kids. And if you can't and know they hit other kids then stop going to places where there are kids for them to hit. Fuck me it's like rocket science.

GravyAndShite · 16/12/2016 22:55

Probably best, OP. You don't want advice, you want someone to reassure you that your poor parenting choice today was ok.

This isn't the huns club. You fucked up, you've got some good advice, you are rejecting said advice... Hmm

Honestly if dc is in a 'hitting phase' you need to be in a skipping toddler group and managing behaviour phase.

Hitting phase is a thing. But it is only a phase when it is DEALT with correctly. Otherwise it is the start of a character trait.

It is also not a stage of development. Some kids hit. Some bite. Some are angels until mamas back is turned

It is not normal, there is a reason. Lift your head from the sand and see that. If you aren't coping with two you need to seek help. Nobody is a mind reader.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/12/2016 22:59

Not sure what you want posters to say OP Hmm

Losgunna · 16/12/2016 23:00

Sorry op but I agree with pp.

My ds has recently come out of a biting phase.
If we went to play groups I watched over him like a hawk and didn't take him if was more likely to lash out (tired, hungry etc).

When you know they are going through something like this you need to stop them before they hurt other children.

It absolutely should not have taken another mother telling you what had happened for you to intervene. You should have done that before she hit any kid. Never mind some.

I would have been curt too. Pay attention to your child op.

DailyFail1 · 16/12/2016 23:02

Agree with previous posters that hitting isn't a phase. It's a behavioural problem that some kids have that needs to be managed and resolved by the parent. Maybe the girl's communication skills aren't where they should be at 2 which is why she can't get on with the other kids. Really doesn't matter what the problem is, you should be actively supervising her.

WeDoNotSow · 16/12/2016 23:05

She does it usually when she thinks other kids are taking her toys
Also, her toys,as in a toy in her hand at the time, or her toys, as in, a toy over the other side of the room she's played with before at some point in the past?
I just can't see a long line of kids queueing up to snatch toys off of a known hitter...

fudgefeet · 16/12/2016 23:07

My daughter was a hitter at that age too. To her it was a game and she loved any attention she got from it so all I could do was be right next to her all the time catching her just before she struck. She would usually get big eyes and hold her hand up for a few seconds just before so it was easy to step in.
I remember once being interrogated by a mother asking me how long my daughter has been a bully. At the time I just explained how I was trying to combat her behaviour but it grated on me all that day. It was the first time my child had ever been labeled a bully and she wasn't even 2 then. I stopped taking her to playgroups after that as I got paranoid thinking all the other mums felt the same.
It's hard when your child has a feisty nature and you can't stop them from wanting to lash out but you have to make sure that other children don't get hurt.

mummysherlock · 16/12/2016 23:12

Sorry OP but I do think YAB a bit U. You basically say that you didn't see your DD hit the other child as you were pre occupied with your 5 month old. I would hazard a guess that the other mum in question has seen your child lash out at her/someone else's child previously without you being aware because you weren't supervising her and today was the last straw.
The bottom line is, children do need to be adequately supervised at playgroups by their parents and any unwanted behaviour dealt with by the parent immediately. None of us are perfect parents, but as I said it sounds like you have missed seeing your DD hit out at another child on more than 1 occasion which caused this mum to get riled up. Also saying 'it's hard with 2' isn't going to generate much sympathy from other parents, especially if one of them is only 5 months old. It isn't as though you have a 2 year old AND a 3/4 year old who are both very energetic and boisterous and at other ends of the room all the time, the 5 month old isn't exactly going to be very mobile at this stage so it shouldn't really be that hard to keep an eye on the 2 year old aswell

Mammylamb · 16/12/2016 23:12

An awful lot of the mummies on this page must have very sore bottoms. Because their judgey pants have been hoiked so far up theirs arses they have got the mother of all wedges. OP have some flowers; Flowers sounds like you're having a bit of a crappy time

mummysherlock · 16/12/2016 23:22

I was at the park with my DS in the summer, child aged approx 3 kicked DS in the stomach (luckily not hard enough to cause any harm), parent/carer of child was nowhere to be seen. So I told child off and asked him to apologise, at which point parent miraculously appears and has a go at me for raising my voice to her child! No concern at all as to whether my DS was ok.
OP imagine if the shoe was on the other foot: if your DD was hit by another child and you approached the parent would you feel happy if they brushed it off by saying 'oh sorry it's so hard with 2'

Floggingmolly · 16/12/2016 23:35

Why did you find being approached so "shocking"? By your own admission, your child may have been hitting the other woman's child but you don't know because you weren't watching her.
How much attention does a non mobile 5 month old need that you completely lose track of what your older child is doing? Hmm
You were the one in the wrong here, completely.

Bettyspants · 16/12/2016 23:40

Well I agree that overall yabu and should have been closely supervising , TBH I wouldn't have felt comfortable not being up and about with my children at that age but I was a bit clingy ... however lots of children hit , I disagree with one of the above saying it's a sign of something wrong I think it can often be a sign of frustration or 'communication ' doesn't mean it's acceptable but a stage you'll both get through! If your not able to be close to dc for whatever reason it may be best to just avoid it completely for now and stick to play dates at a friends house until your dc learns hitting isn't acceptable behaviour. I'm guessing the other mum witnessed other behaviour which went unseen hence her prolonged anger? There's some good suggestions on here hope things improve!

RussianDolls · 16/12/2016 23:50

My son was a hitter as well. I had to keep on top of things but it wasn't easy. He is 7 now and a good kind boy. He stopped doing it when he started nursery. It sounds like you were doing the right thing. Some people have a stick up their arse. Learn from this and things should improve.

GravyAndShite · 17/12/2016 00:11

Learn from this and things should improve.

The reason pp have a stick up their arse concerns is that OP isn't planning on doing anything of the sort. Her arse must be sore from the victim pants she is wearing.

HeadElf · 17/12/2016 00:30

I have a DD the same age, and 8 month twins and manage fine to take them to play groups whilst still being able to ensure my DD is not running rampant hitting other people's children.
Another mother goes to the same group and sits on her phone whilst her son bites other kids Hmm a few of the mums have told her and she denies it - she didn't see because she's stuck to her phone.
Having two is no excuse, it just means you have two children to watch and if you can't handle your children in such an environment, perhaps you should look for a smaller group where you can watch your child.

Feelinglikeafailure · 17/12/2016 01:02

Well OP has gone.... Hopefully she's gone to supervise her 3yo.....