Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rude mum at playgroup

165 replies

Jellybean14 · 16/12/2016 19:18

Hi all, my 2 year old is at that age where she likes to hit other kids. She does it usually when she thinks other kids are taking her toys. I've tried explaining it's not nice to hit and am tried my best to manage her. I've also got a 5 month old who demands a lot of my time. Anyway the reason for the post is today when I went to playgroup I was approached very aggressively by a rude mum who said my daughter was hitting all the kids ( she wasn't) and that she hit her girl and made her cry ( I didn't see it happen but maybe she did). I calmly apologised and explained how tough it is having to manage two, to which she said something along the lines of, I have two kids too and I can manage. She demanded my girl apologise to her daughter which she did, but just went on and on about the hitting. I felt really embarassed and now angry that she made me feel this way. I don't mind she approached be but the manner was quite shocking! Am I being unreasonable to expect her to be more understanding? Perhaps share her experience and maybe say, I know how hard it is.... rather than being rude?

OP posts:
BakeOffBiscuits · 16/12/2016 19:56

She shouldn't have been rude to you but you really do need to be watching a 2 year old very closely, especially as you know she hits. You can't use your other child as an excuse.

LovingLola · 16/12/2016 19:56

How do you know how many children she hit? She hit one child and made her cry. How many does she need to hit before you intervene? Maybe the other child's mother was pissed off because she had to come and tell you that your child was hitting others.

galaxygirl45 · 16/12/2016 19:57

I think you need to be very aware of her behaviour - hitting another child isn't acceptable, and if she's allowed to get away with it even once, then you've set a benchmark that that is OK. Next time she does it, you calmly tell her "No, we don't hit and because you've done that, we need to leave". And repeat, she will soon learn that there are consequences to her behaviour. Let this carry on and it's a whole lot harder stopping a 4 year old. I had 3 under the age of 5 and it was a nightmare doing playgroup/play mornings as you can't take your eyes off them for a second.

paxillin · 16/12/2016 19:57

mum who said my daughter was hitting all the kids ( she wasn't) and that she hit her girl and made her cry ( I didn't see it happen but maybe she did)

You didn't see it happen, you should have though. You have no idea if she hit many of the others, because you were clearly not looking. First hitting incident, take your child out of the group for a moment to calm down, then apologise. Second hit, hometime.

Otherwise they might just ask you to either stop coming or start supervising.

WhisperingLoudly · 16/12/2016 19:58

dailyfail

I would have tried to get you banned from the group for not supervising your child appropriately

Oh get a grip - that's both pathetic and spiteful. Not to mention an overreaction.

OP I'm sorry it's tough. I've had 4 toddlers. One was a hitter the others not, so I've been on both sides and honestly believe it's worse as mother of the hitter.

So many mothers of PFBs believing that their child's behaviour was due to better quality parenting.

OP keep an eye on your DC and ignore the rudeness.

ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus · 16/12/2016 19:58

My child never went through a hitting phase.

Viviennemary · 16/12/2016 19:58

You need to be more aware of what your daughter is up to even if she is only two. If you know she hits other children then you need to keep an eye on her. Not surprised the other Mum was annoyed. I'd have been annoyed too.

WhatInTheWorldIsGoingOn · 16/12/2016 20:00

Not really any more to add. I never had a hitter and it is so unbelievably annoying when they are hit by another child with no parent to intervene.

sophree · 16/12/2016 20:00

Young Children hit each other.
It's not always the parents fault.
The children don't fully understand it's wrong and often lash out without any thought.

People need to chill out a wee bit.

HalfShellHero · 16/12/2016 20:00

I wouldnt have reacted like that mummy , most mums have more sense but some are a bit sanctimommy...ive been addressed by one before and it made me rage, BUT....if your child is slappy mcslapp pants ...you do need to be hovering as annoying and tiring as it is its necessary,

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 16/12/2016 20:01

I'd be pretty p'd off too, tbh, if another child was hitting mine (and possibly others - you've admitted she's going through a hitting stage) and I felt the mother wasn't supervising.

I have 5, 2 of them twins, so I know what's it's like to try to have eyes in the back of your head, but you can't use your younger child as an excuse. If the stage she's at is so difficult and you can't cope with both DCs, then take another adult with you to playgroup.

Mishegoss · 16/12/2016 20:04

I don't see anyone thinking their superior parenting has created perfect non-hitting children. My second is a biter. If she gets really frustrated or her brother takes toys off her she tries to bite him.. So I watch her like a hawk!! At our local playgroup, we attend weekly, I've actually said to the mums that my daughter is going through a biting phase and they're absolute right to remove her from a situation if it seems like she might bite. In addition to that I watch her while we're there. I would be mortified if she bit someone so I've done everything I can to prevent it and the other mums appreciate that.

StandAndBeCounted · 16/12/2016 20:05

My son is almost 2 and went through a hitting phase a few months ago. At the time my daughter was 5 months. There is 14 months between them. It was a ballache because I was used to letting my lovely placid boy go off and play and not really having to watch him at playgroup giving me time with the baby. BUT as soon as I knew he was having this phase I put the baby in the sling and followed him around EVERYWHERE watching everything he did and stopping him BEFORE he hit out and talking to him firmly and telling him why it's not nice. 3 months later he is no longer in a hitting phase. It's annoying and hard work, but it has to be done.

And he is not my PFB, he's DC 3 and my second hitter. Agree with a pp though, it is harder as the mother of the hitter.

If I were the other Mum in your scenario I probably wouldn't have been as 'rude' as her because I'm not that bold. But if your daughter was going around hitting everyone and you hadn't noticed, I'd have been annoyed too and probably would have said something a bit more mildly.

Serialweightwatcher · 16/12/2016 20:08

Mine didn't hit but if they had I would have been very firm with them every time - making them sit with me for a while and then try again etc ... I can understand her being annoyed - I know it is hard for you but if she is doing this, you need to stick close by her and be watching her whilst doing other things so it gets nipped in the bud

Pluto30 · 16/12/2016 20:10

These things are contradictions:

  1. You acknowledging that she is in a hitting phase
  1. She wasn't going around and hitting the kids
  1. She may have hit this woman's child and caused them to cry

Those statements cannot all be true.

I think YABU here. I had an 18 month gap between my two and managed to keep relatively on top of them. If you know your DC has a tendency to hit people, then you need to monitor them more closely. You can't just allow them to go around hitting people and brushing it off as normal toddler behaviour, nothing to be worried or upset about etc.

0AliasGrace0 · 16/12/2016 20:11

waves at OP

You can come join me in the bad mummy corner.

My DD was a prolific biter. Anyone and everyone. It was mortifying, and despite supervising her as well as I could (arthritis), she would still chuffing manage it. But maybe with some of the responses here, I shouldn't have taken her to groups if I wasn't able to stop her being a toddler.

If it helps, she's a lovely wee thing now. Very empathetic (maybe too much so) and extremely caring towards others. There's light at the end of tunnel.

LuchiMangsho · 16/12/2016 20:11

My son who is a slightly passive/placid used to be at the receiving end of a chunk of kicking, biting in playgroups. I would jump in and remove him before he got upset but I always appreciated it if the other parent would leap in and tell their child to stop etc. I also know it's a phase but it won't disappear magically unless the other parent is pro-active about it. And in the meanwhile it's the kid who is not as boisterous who is at the receiving end of this. I know 2 under 2 is hard. Maybe she shouldn't have been rude. But she was probably waiting for the Mum to come and stop your kid from doing whatever she was and had finally had enough.

PS I was once at a softplay thing. DS was 11 months so could stand but needed to hold on to stuff. This 2 year old appeared out of nowhere and grabbed and hit the little girl in front of him. She gave as good as she got but also then moved away. Then he moved towards my son and in a flash had scratched his cheek so badly there was a bloody gash. I was a few feet away and by the time I jumped in he had moved on to the next child. So anyway I was sitting on my sofa consoling my utterly hysterical child and noticing that this kid was causing havoc. Then in came the other. She had gone for a nice relaxing cup of tea and breezes in going 'oh darling don't do that' while there is a string of hysterical kids in his wake.

NiceFalafels · 16/12/2016 20:12

Well if your DD regularly goes round hitting kids you need to be following her closely behind with your eyes peeled. Maybe the mother had had enough after her DD had been on the receiving end for quite a while.

BlurryFace · 16/12/2016 20:14

I can't imagine most mums being so confrontational unless they've seen your DD do it a lot without much in the way of tellings off.

If you're finding it tricky to keep track of DD because the playgroup is crowded/in too large a venue, maybe scout around for a smaller one in your area - myself and a mum of multiples use "my" playgroup for this reason. The volunteers at my playgroup are also lovely and do help hold/watch babies while mum wrangles the older toddler etc.

EweAreHere · 16/12/2016 20:15

She shouldn't have been rude, but she was probably fed up, OP, and rightfully so.

It sounds like you don't actually know if your daughter was hitting the other children or not ... she may well have been if you didn't even see her hit the woman's child and made her cry. You weren't supervising your child enough who you know is having issues with acting out and hitting other children.

I remember going to a playgroup back when mine were little, and there was a big hitter there, happily going around snatching toys, hitting and pushing children while his mother had a chat and drank tea with a group of other mothers who couldn't be bothered to keep an eye on their poorly behaved children either. I was furious. And so were the other mothers who were actually supervising their children.

I told the playgroup organizers what I thought of the situation and never went back to that particular group.

I have 3 that are close in age by the way. You have to keep an eye out for trouble, even when it's hard. That's your job.

UnbornMortificado · 16/12/2016 20:16

Obviously hittings a bit of a problem but I don't see what ranting on was going to achieve.

Kids can hit she sounds a bit deranged tbh.

BratFarrarsPony · 16/12/2016 20:16

and I am sorry but 'that stage where she likes to hit other kids'? so you know thatt she does it, you think it is a normal stage of development, and you are not watching her?
Sorry but I would have been rude too.

Scholes34 · 16/12/2016 20:16

DC2 was bitten by another child at a toddler group. The mum was in there with a swift apology before I really knew what was happening. Makes a big difference that way round.

ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus · 16/12/2016 20:17

Being a toddler does not mean biting and hitting.

PetyrBaelish · 16/12/2016 20:18

If I were the mum, it would depend on how you responded when I told you your child had hit mine. If you were apologetic, expressed concern for my DC and swiftly disciplined your own (told them off and/or took them out, not just told them it was not very nice) then I wouldn't mind at all - these things happen. But if I got the impression of you brushing it off, which from what you said it sounds like it may have come across that way to her, then I would have been pissed off too.