Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rude mum at playgroup

165 replies

Jellybean14 · 16/12/2016 19:18

Hi all, my 2 year old is at that age where she likes to hit other kids. She does it usually when she thinks other kids are taking her toys. I've tried explaining it's not nice to hit and am tried my best to manage her. I've also got a 5 month old who demands a lot of my time. Anyway the reason for the post is today when I went to playgroup I was approached very aggressively by a rude mum who said my daughter was hitting all the kids ( she wasn't) and that she hit her girl and made her cry ( I didn't see it happen but maybe she did). I calmly apologised and explained how tough it is having to manage two, to which she said something along the lines of, I have two kids too and I can manage. She demanded my girl apologise to her daughter which she did, but just went on and on about the hitting. I felt really embarassed and now angry that she made me feel this way. I don't mind she approached be but the manner was quite shocking! Am I being unreasonable to expect her to be more understanding? Perhaps share her experience and maybe say, I know how hard it is.... rather than being rude?

OP posts:
Mouthofmisery · 16/12/2016 21:09

"Constantly "
?

Cranbrookornot · 16/12/2016 21:09

You are having a hard time on this thread OP. A good technique with a hitter is to have a rule that you will leave if they hit. You have to follow through so that as soon as they hit you leave (soft play, playgroup, playground friends house etc). It sounds awful and inconvenient but it usually works pretty quickly to stop the unwanted behaviour. Other parents will be supportive too. Give it a try.

ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus · 16/12/2016 21:09

Mouth I hope my child never encounters one of yours.

Or me you.

WeDoNotSow · 16/12/2016 21:10

At that stage
she does it usually
Yes, constantly.

doleritedinosaur · 16/12/2016 21:11

I think the mother had a point, you need to supervise her more, no matter how hard it is.

I went to soft play, was grabbing DS's cup, an older toddler hit him and the mum just said "Oh I'm trying to stop him from doing that."
While DS is howling and it took weeks before he went near any child when we were out again despite me trying to coax him.

If you know your child is hitting others then you need to be there to stop it happening. Its not just about your child as its not bothering them but the ones they're actually hitting.

MeTehOne · 16/12/2016 21:12

None of my four DC ever hit or bit and they were close in age. They could be mean to each other but have never hit or bite. Confused

hutchblue · 16/12/2016 21:14

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

JeanGenie23 · 16/12/2016 21:15

Not all children hit or bite at all. (Coming from a CM of ten yrs)

It does stem from frustration, usually, but it doesn't mean that it's ok. Try getting your child to 'use her words'. Encourage sharing and turn taking, and dish out over the top praise when she does this well.

It's unfortunate this mom was rude to you, but Imagine you were the parent of a child who had been hit OP, you would expect that parent to be watching them like a hawk, and if that is not possible for you with two, perhaps give play groups a miss for a while? Not that that's the solution, but I think unless you are going to tackle the behaviour head on, it's best your DD doesn't go there.

My DD was bitten frequently by the same girl at a stay and play session aside from being upset at seeing my child hurt, I was so frustrated that the mother never seemed to be on top of the behaviour, I asked the children centre supervisor to deal with it in the end, as my intervention wasn't enough to get the mom to react.

witsender · 16/12/2016 21:15

Mine have been known to knock each other on the odd occasion, but I can categorically say they have never hit nor bitten another child. They're far from perfect, but that's not some every child does.

That's not to say that it isn't a normal.phase, it is, but it is still one that has to be monitored and discouraged.

Cranbrookornot · 16/12/2016 21:17

Those of you saying none of your children ever hit are very unhelpful. Children have different temperaments. I thought this was a supportive place.

NerrSnerr · 16/12/2016 21:20

Cran people are trying to support, they are replying to mouth who said surely every child goes through a hitting stage when it's clear they don't.

No one is saying that a toddler going through a hitting stage is dreadful, they're saying inadequate supervision of a child going through a hitting stage is bad

dingdongthewitchishere · 16/12/2016 21:21

hose of you saying none of your children ever hit are very unhelpful.

People are replying to someone stating that ALL toddlers hit. It's not true. You can't say that's it's a natural thing to justify an unacceptable behaviour. If your child hits, you are behind and if you are too late to prevent it, at least apologise and discipline him. You are not doing your child any favour by telling him that being a bully is a good thing.

WeDoNotSow · 16/12/2016 21:25

Meh.
Absolving yourself of responsibility by pretending there's nothing you can do as it's a 'phase' is pretty unhelpful too

LuluLovesFruitcakes · 16/12/2016 21:28

I tend to agree with the majority of other pp's on this one.

I do have a hitter and kicker, biter, puncher, toy thrower and because I know what he is like, if we go to toddler groups I keep my eyes on him at all times! Because I know he has a short fuse and I know I will need to step in to diffuse a toddler-issue at any moment. You need to watch her all the time OP, regardless of having another child. If you can't watch them both, either don't go, or just take one of them if possible.

fuxxake · 16/12/2016 21:31

I stopped going to a playgroup because of this. Dd was on the receiving end of a naughty little shit repeatedly. The full-on slap across the face with large toy that knocked DD to the ground was the final straw.
You know your toddler is likely to hit out, you need to be in there before it happens. As much as anything else you should be showing her how to react appropriately, teaching and reassuring her in real time, not after the event.
If you can't adequately supervise your kids when you're out then stay home until you can.

Mouthofmisery · 16/12/2016 21:31

Just to emphasise I don't believe every child goes through hitting stage but many go through unsociable behavioural phases hence learning what is and isn't appropriate.

Florrieboo · 16/12/2016 21:31

I have been the rude mum, but, instead of being rude I was simmering and left in tears. I had two boys 14 months apart and yes that is hard but, you only go to places that you can manage to be. Another mum had the most precious little boy, he could do no wrong. Then he got a baby brother and all hell broke loose, he became a terror and all the children were afraid of him. His "poor" mother was so overwhelmed by having 2 under 4 that she just let him at it and every chance he got he hurt another child.

I wish I had stood up to her back then (6 years ago) because I am still annoyed with her about it. He drew blood from my older boy who was younger than him.

PeggyMitchell123 · 16/12/2016 21:32

She was rude but I would find it pretty frustrating too if I went up to a parent after their child hit mine to be told the parent is aware of the hitting phase and moaning it's hard with two especially if this child was seen a good couple of times hitting other children.

I would think if you are aware of the hitting phase then why are you not closely watching your child and that it's not my problem or my crying child's that you cannot watch your toddler. My own child had a hitting stage and I would literally hover over him and try to stop him before he hit or if he did do it quickly, I was there to reprimand him immediately and make him apologise. If he carried on, we left.

WeDoNotSow · 16/12/2016 21:37

Exactly, the DD needs to learn. Therefore the op needs to teach her.
Or another child will.

And I've never seen a 'hitter' take a smack back without screaming like they'd been shot.
Their parents always manage to see/hear that as well strangely enough

supermoon100 · 16/12/2016 21:38

Blimey every ones being a bit hard on the op. Although not all kids hit, some do and ive been on both sides of the fence but I've never made a massive fuss about someone hitting my kid because I don't see the point in getting so worked up about it. And less face it none of our kids are perfect!

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 16/12/2016 21:40

I think the issue is that she's know yet isn't closely supervising nor did she get her daughter to apologise.

WeDoNotSow · 16/12/2016 21:40

No one said their kids are perfect Hmm

And good for you if you don't care that your kids are hit...

Misspilly88 · 16/12/2016 21:41

Op, want to give you a big hug! You have not had much support here and it is SO hard managing a toddler and a baby, especially as toddler is in her hitting phase. I am an experienced early years teacher and know that hovering adults often make children tense and more likey to hit, but in playgroups its necesary sometimes to keep everyone safe. Sometimes (sounds like this situation ) the child is feeling disconnected from their carer and know that hitting will bring carer to them. Anyway. Hitting is totally normal, even though some children don't go through this phase. As a mum of a prolific hitter I really sympathise with you. I can also sympathise with the other mum, as I'm sure you do. She didn't need to be rude.

TheWitTank · 16/12/2016 21:42

Nobody is saying their kids are perfect -we all know kids do things we would rather they wouldn't. Posters are pointing out that the op needs to supervise her child closely to catch the hitting as it happens and deal with it.

JustCallMeKate · 16/12/2016 21:43

I feel that too much supervision will prevent the " victims" from learning to stick up for themselves.

Jesus Christ! Do you really expect 2 year olds to 'stick up for themselves'? Seriously? I must live in a different universe especially when people expect 2 year olds to understand what "sticking up for themselves" means.