Rude mum at playgroup

[Jellybean14]

Hi all, my 2 year old is at that age where she likes to hit other kids. She does it usually when she thinks other kids are taking her toys. I've tried explaining it's not nice to hit and am tried my best to manage her. I've also got a 5 month old who demands a lot of my time. Anyway the reason for the post is today when I went to playgroup I was approached very aggressively by a rude mum who said my daughter was hitting all the kids ( she wasn't) and that she hit her girl and made her cry ( I didn't see it happen but maybe she did). I calmly apologised and explained how tough it is having to manage two, to which she said something along the lines of, I have two kids too and I can manage. She demanded my girl apologise to her daughter which she did, but just went on and on about the hitting. I felt really embarassed and now angry that she made me feel this way. I don't mind she approached be but the manner was quite shocking! Am I being unreasonable to expect her to be more understanding? Perhaps share her experience and maybe say, I know how hard it is.... rather than being rude?

She was rude, but she didn't have to be more understanding as such. She felt aggrieved. Maybe your DD hit her DD really hard. Maybe she was just an aggressive kind of person. You don't know if she was being genuinely unreasonable because you weren't watching.

I think the problem is that you haven't yet adapted to 2 in a playgroup type setting. You really do need to develop the eyes in the back of your head. You won't sit down, chat and play nicely with your DCs nearly as much as you did before, because you will be either carrying one around all the time or running from one to the other. That's how it is with 2. Multitasking exhaustion! You can't leave one to play and assume it will all go ok, you have to be holding one and looking at the other (from not too far away so you can step in and intervene).

It's a bit like when you're pregnant, you can't imagine the lack of lie-ins or sleep with a new baby. When you are expecting your 2nd baby, you can't imagine the lack of sitting, chatting and pleasant one-to-one play you've got used to with your first baby! It really is that much hard work! (but, great).

I'd just like to clarify this is not something all kids do. You say "she's at that age where she likes to hit other kids" as if it's something they all do and it's not. Yes some do, but you need to manage it and fast and ensure it's something she learns is not ok.

This sounds like your child is hitting a lot and that's on you, I'm sorry, to manage. I wouldn't have approached you at first, but if your daughter had hit mine and it was a repeated behaviour I'd witnessed then yes I'd approach you and have a word and telling me it was tough with two wouldn't have cut it because it feels like that's minimising.

I don't know if you've been hit and made to cry, but I can assure you it's unacceptable at any age, to either be the hitter or the person being hit.

I don't say that to be sanctimonious. They all do horrible stuff, My daughter at two started to spit. I've no idea where she saw it, and I was beyond horrified and embarassed, but can assure you she did it no more than twice before she very strongly got the message she wouldn't be doing it again. And she didn't. It's one of the few times I raised my voice to her and meant it. Sometimes you need to take control and teach them what's not acceptable.

Karma is good at payback. She will have a biter.

You're child hit somebody. You weren't even aware of her behaviour. Two wrongs. And yet you still are whining that someone was rude to you. Take a reality check. About time somebody took you to task.

I have a close age gap between my two

Luckily my oldest has never been a biter, hitter, pincher or anything

My youngest on the other hand seems to have got his temper and his sisters missions violence

I have to watch him very closely

Whilst I sympathise that yours are the other way around and younger, you do need to supervise her better

What consquences is she getting?

You need to supervise your child at all times. Having a younger child is no excuse.

Yes, hitting is a phase lots of little people go through. As a parent you have to be proactive and consistent with the child. It's no good calling them out one out of three times. Each and every time you have to be consistent with your response. Supervision is essential.

I can appreciate you have your hands full OP, but, you seriously can not take your eye off the ball.

Yes, it is tough being the parent of a hitter/kicker/biter. Yes the child's mother shouldn't of been rude, but, I'm hazarding a guess here...she was probably at the end of her tether.

Be firm, be consistent and you'll have a better behaved child in the long run. That said, if you are doing everything physically/humanly possible and the aggressive behaviour continues? Speak to your HV, because there might be an underlying issue.

Good luck

I don't think it's possible to say you are or not being unreasonable. It really depends on what your DD has been up to.

I remember at one playgroup I went to their was a fraught mother of twins who may have had some sort of SN (I didn't ask as none of my business obviously). Anyhow her DDs were continually violent towards the other DC. They kept running up behind one of my younger DC with their hands stretched out sending her flying. They repeatedly did and seemed oblivious to my DCs crying and to adults telling them to stop. They were also violent to other kids mostly shoving and hitting but occasional biting too. The Mum would try and stop her DDs but it never worked. I told her in as polite and tactful way possible that if she couldn't stop her DDs from injuring other kids then perhaps she shouldn't come. There was no one running the group so I couldn't go to someone in charge. It was a collective thing. I didn't say anything other than if she was unable to stop her kids injuring others then she shouldn't come. It was awkward but I felt my responsibility was my own kids safety.

I tried to be nice about it but however you say it it sounds harsh.

Op reverse the situation and your dd is being hit by another child whos mum made the excuse she had two to look after. How would you feel. Sorry op but you across as rude not the lady. If your child is going through a hitting phase you need to be with her 24/7 at the playgroup, putting baby in sling if necessary.

The manner was perhaps abrupt and aggressive but maybe your child has been consistently hitting her child? It was annoy me too but it's something for playgroup to be sorting out really.

RB68
Maybe she will.
And maybe she won't pass it off a 'stage that they all go through'.
Because they don't.

I

You may have apologised but then you immediately tried to give an excuse why you weren't supervising. You should have got her to apologise and the other mother shouldn't have had to tell her to.
You really need to supervise her better as if you know she's hitting then it isn't an isolated thing.

'Teething' is a phase that children go though. 'Hitting' is not. Honestly, YABU.

Lots of judging here which is surprising. I would have thought every child goes through stages of hitting biting and being socially unpleaseAnt. Yes mums should supervise but at the same time I feel that too much supervision will prevent the " victims" from learning to stick up for themselves. There is so much helicopter parenting I'm sure it's delaying kids abilities to learn socially acceptable behaviour naturally.

Mouth
Yep. Being hit and made to cry constantly is really character building isn't it?

Never had the hitting or biting stage here either but I think that is luck and fact DS is rather introverted so tends to run and cry rather than attack.

" I would have thought every child goes through stages of hitting biting and being socially unpleaseAnt "

to their brothers and sisters perhaps but not to random children at playgroup, no, definitely not.
And stopping a child from attacking others is NOT 'helicopter parenting' it is just 'parenting'.

Over years and years of playgroups (5 DCs aged between 25-6) the only time I ever raised my voice at a drop in was in a similar situation to the one in the OP.

Honestly, I am really tolerant. You have to be when you have had lots of kids. I understand that kids go through phases and am usually very pragmatic about hitting, biting etc.

On this occasion I was really upset. This child had been coming for a few weeks. My DC was about 6 months. Every week the child had managed to smack, kick or push some kids. This week she went up to my baby and scratched him across the face.

I wasn't angry at the child who was only about 18mths old, I was fecking furious at the mother.

It can't have been nice for her to have me raise my voice but it was bloody horrible for me to have to comfort a screaming baby and look at that scratch on his face.

You may not have seen what was going on if you were busy with your baby and it may be that the mother had been stewing for a while before she blew up.

OR she may be gobby and quick to anger but you run the risk of being on the wrong end of someone's gobbiness if you don't keep an eye on a 'hitter'

Mouth not judging but out of all my children of which there are 6 we have never had a hitting or biting stage as it just wouldn't have been acceptable they may have bit or hit once or twice but it was dealt with at the first so never became a stage but a one off incident.

Mouth what a load of nonsense! My dds never hit or bit another child, they were very placid toddlers and as their mother I certainly wouldn't have stood by whist another child hit them, so they could "learning to stick up for themselves".

Closely watching a two year old is not "helicopter parenting".

Surely eventually she'll just do it to the wrong child and get one in return too.

I don't think EVERY child goes through a hitting/biting stage -luckily mine didn't and my nieces and nephews haven't. I don't think it's the parent's fault BUT I think the huge difference is how situations like that are handled. Trotting out excuses isn't great. An apology and action is what other parents want. If you are fully aware your child is in a hitting stage, then hell yes, helicopter parent.

I would have thought every child goes through stages of hitting biting and being socially unpleaseAnt

You think wrong, it is absolutely untrue.

You also mistake helicopter parenting and people with basic manners who supervise their children and teach them how to behave.

Mouth my daughter is on the quiet and timid end of the scale. She isn't a hitter and is often the one that is hit. I let her get on with playing at playgroups but I always keep an eye on her and the kids around as I (and she) would rather she wasn't bitten or smacked in the mouth! She has been on the receiving end of a bite at nursery and it was really awful and she remembered it for a long while afterwards. I don't think it's helicopter parenting to know what's going on because I like to know whether she's moaning because of being hit or just because she's a toddler.

I also don't mind if other kids do hit out or something as long as the parents are there and deal with it. I don't think anyone expects all toddlers not to hit out but just want them adequately supervised