AIBU to refuse and boycott the 'xmas gifts list' idea?

[Schoolisback1973]

I am not sure if I am being strong headed/aibu here but my sis says so..
For xmas I always used to buy whatever I thought my nieces and nephews would love within my budget.Ok, maybe I have missed once or twice and got the wrong gift.. I love the idea of choosing their gifts and surprising them but in the last couple of years my DSils have decided to create 'gifts lists' for their kids and pass it around the family. I guess the kids get exactly what they want which is a good thing but I have a couple of issues with this.
They are both wealthy and not very reasonable with it. On the list, you'll find a doll for £110 for DN, a pair of PUMA for £85 and it goes on. The cheapest item is £50.. I am a single mum on a low income and would like to spend most of my christmas budget on my own DD (9). I am angry that they don't see that its not the fair thing to do.. They are buying for 1. I have to buy for 8.
They have been asking all week about their lists and also DD's but I refuse to discuss it. I would like to do this my own way. Don't want the stress pressure. I just can't afford it and may be I am too embarrassed to say it..
My sister thinks IABU for not doing the same and telling DSILs what DD would like. She says she is happy to share the cost for all the kids gifts..I am not comfortable with that either.. Its still bloody too much..
Is this common? IABU?
What would you do??

Puzzled "not really funny but that did give me a laugh (after all it's either that or scream grin) If I've not misunderstood you, was it really their intention you'd get everything, including the high-priced, "must have" item?"

The child thought that. She's the youngest gc by quite a margin on my DH's side and BIL and SIL act like that entitles her to special status re gifts since according to them the others, including ours, are grown or close to grown and therefore 'too old to get much for Christmas' and that makes us, therefore, perfectly willing to spend all our money on their child.

We heard from other family members they'd had similar reactions to their meagre offerings. SIL was very sly, she put a 'main' present on every list (she made individual ones for each set of relatives) and thought she'd get away with spending very little herself on the child. She fully expected us to get the must have item and was furious that we'd let down her daughter at Christmas. I was going to buy it, it was top of the list, until I googled it and saw the price! My DH just said Fuck no!

Those are outrageous demands! Well done for refusing to play ball.

My mother and MIL generally ask for present ideas for my two, so I check their budgets and suggest something suitable so they can have the pleasure of giving DS and DD something which will reflect well on the giver (i.e. produce a genuine, enthusiastic "thank you!"), be within budget and won't be a duplicate (which would be gutting for the present giver).

We heard from other family members they'd had similar reactions to their meagre offerings

Once again - oh dear. I don't think you said how old this particular child is (?) but anyway it's not hard to imagine how she'll grow up, with this sort of example before her

Agree YANBU. My sil is also very controlling about presents and it drives me mad. Her list is not super expensive but super specific, and she actually told my mum one year not to buy anything not on the list because they have "too much stuff in their house". They have one child. I have three, she has no idea about too much stuff.

In our case what annoyed me was her theory was to make it 'fair' we should buy three gifts for her son, while she would buy one gift for each of mine, all of these gifts to be around the same price. I'm not sure why her kid should get 3 presents from cousins while mine get 1. They didn't choose to have siblings did they? It's not even the cost that bothered me, I didn't care if she couldn't afford much on my 3, I just didn't want her telling me how much to spend on her kid.

I can see the point of providing a list of stuff the kid would like to avoid people being stuck for ideas or buying stuff they already have, but I don't think anybody should feel they HAVE to buy anything, and I think giving out an expensive list is extremely rude.

YANBU. I went off list for the first time in our family's history last year and you should have seen it. Children not knowing what they were getting and being genuinely surprised. It was like proper Christmas!! I get that they have lists of stuff they would like, but it is just that. Stuff they would like. If you can find something in your budget that they would also like then just do it.

I appear to have started a new thing in our family- no one has gift lists this year for the first time since the eldest was born 13 years ago!! Mutiny methinks

Children not knowing what they were getting and being genuinely surprised.

But surely if you give a list or recommend toys to relatives to give to your children, this is between adults and the DC don't actually know what's on it? I recommend specific toys to relatives who ask (or even actually buy the toys for some relatives to give). But my DS knows nothing about these discussions/arrangements and the gift is a total surprise when he gets it. TBH, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of him sitting down and working out any list of things he wants, even with Santa I only let him ask for 1-3 items. He gets a few surprises and plenty from relatives but I shy away from anything that might create a sense of entitlement.

No you see, in our family for some reason the kids get told who is getting what from who

I don't mind being given an idea of what they'd like and it still being a surprise, but I refused to get stuff they had demanded and already told the kids about. To the point where the kids knew who was supposed to be getting what!! I just said "I'm afraid I've already got something for them" when the lists were handed out! No lists this year!

We do lists but general ones. Dd's list this year was pop up/tactile books, toys that involve putting things in other things or make a godawful noise. Play hoover. Pyjamas. That sort of thing. I don't like specific lists full of expensive items.

We use lists for our two, but we have a big range of prices and nothing over £50. If we want to spend more that's up to us, but I don't expect my family too. This year we agreed to £20 per person so that it was affordable for all of us. My eldest sister has money, my other sister doesn't. I understand that and as long as the kids get things they will enjoy I don't think it matters if you go off list. Your sister is BU you aren't.

My friend uses lists, but it's mostly general guidelines to help family/friends buy stuff that her kids will actually play with/use, what they're in to right now or the specific brands/"names" their kids love (eg her DD6 was into anyting to do with Peppa Pig last year ... now she HATES it with a passion, and LOVES Frozen.) Her parents are more than happy to spend a lot of money on their only grandkids, but she'd rather they spent £20 on stuff that they want and will use, than £100 on stuff the kids won't even look at after they've opened it.

This year it just says "DS11 - anything to do with Real Madrid/Man Utd, Lego set, adventure type books, gift vouchers for . DD6 - anything Frozen, princess dress up stuff, simple puzzles. DD2 - picture books and anything that makes a noise and gets irritating after 5 minutes, but that she will love forever!"

My SIL actually emails me to say 'DN would like x for Christmas' without me asking - like I'm a gift ordering service. It's helpful to have suggestions if you ask for ideas but otherwise the whole thing is just pointless.

Last Xmas my daughter's had countless of the same Peppa Pig and Paw Pawtrol crap to add to their already huge mountain of crap. Most ended up being regifted later in the year.
This year I have done Amazon 'wish lists' for them. Items range from a cheap water bottle to pricey garden play equipment.
I only share the list with people who ask for it and would never presume that they will buy something from it.
There is so much waste at this time of year, I would prefer to buy my godchildren, nieces etc something from a list that i know will be wanted rather than guess.

Personally I completely ignore lists - a gift is supposed to be a surprise - what's the point of getting something you were expecting? I buy a gift I think the person will like.

Why does Christmas so often bring out the worst in people! For years I bought presents for DS, Bil and Dn and they bought just the one present. The moment I got married and my Dh and lovely stepdaughter were added to the equation it was " Oh, surely we all have everything we need, let's just exchange cards." My Dh's family have a system that works really well: all names are put in a hat and then take it in turns to draw out and just buy one fabulous present.

YANBU. The list is a horrible idea, especially with those price tags! I would simply give them each cash, a voucher or something with a gift receipt attached which is within your budget. To be honest, if they are getting such expensive presents from everyone else I would be keeping presents to a minimum and putting your money to better use - a fun treat for you and your daughter!

On the radio today it said the 2 billion pounds will be spent on unwanted christmas stuff this year. 20% of everything given. It said that was roughly enough to run the NHS for a week.

So are lists really such a bad idea?

I never forget the first proper Xmas I spent with dh when his mum asked me for my list and passed hers on to dh.

It wasn't that her items were expensive, I had never heard of Xmas being done that way before. It seemed so impersonal and I had no idea what I was meant to put on mine. I didn't want to put too much on and look greedy and I had no idea how much to put on. I was so uncomfortable with it and told her so the year later.

She still does them with all her other family and she still asks me what I like. I get around it by saying I love anything from Lush.

I hate gift lists of any kind.

Gift lists? Well they are for if people ask if you have any ideas what to get your child. Not to foist on people unasked.
As for the £80 -100+ price tags. Ridiculous!!!!
I found myself in a position where I decided not to buy presents for my goddaughters (now 19 and 21) for several years, because I barely had enough money to get by on. Turns out that love and caring is enough for those gorgeous girls, and that will always be available. Lucky me. Top tip to OP.

Yep, YA definitely NBU. Suggestions/guidelines, broad and narrow can be very helpful, but anything more us unpleasant.

Anything more is unpleasant, I meant.

All quite outside my experience because growing up I had no relatives except DP to give me anything.As an adult exchanged gifts with family & friends but with no expectations. ExH asked for suggestions but never got me anything I wanted (you don't want/need that he would say). I certainly didn't want the ironing board he got me! Never gave GPs lists for DC, though if asked might suggest something generic and leave them to choose how elaborate or expensive it was.
I suppose if family wants to spend a generous amount they may prefer a list and it is up to the family and its culture.
It is where there is a mismatch between potential giftee (and parents) and the giver that there is room for dischord. It seems that even where parents would not feel entitled to ask for large gifts for themselves they presume other family members are very happy to fork out on their DC!

Even as a child DDs lists were mainly music and books we used to get asked if there was anything bigger ie more expensive but there rarely was

I don't have a problem with lists in themselves. We have Amazon ones for the children but lots of the entries have a comment that says "or any Duplo/Hama Bead set". I keep a close eye on the lists to ensure a broad price range. I only give out the list to those who ask if we have one and it's appropriate to be specific (grandparents mostly), otherwise I go with a less specific list (colouring book, Lego etc) to those who ask. I also always say the list is to give ideas of what DD is interested in and of course people can buy from the list or not.

It's all about how the list is presented.

YANBU to feel uncomfortable receiving a list of expensive gifts. I would buy a voucher from a suitable store based on the list or give cash with a note to put it towards x y z.

Anything from lush
You do realise that is a list, you have just given a single item list.

My family have always done lists, but everyone will make sure that they have a range of items, mine this year has cute socks on it (I swear the machine eats them). Very sure that no one would have a list that started for £50, or get annoyed if someone went 'off list'