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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse and boycott the 'xmas gifts list' idea?

153 replies

Schoolisback1973 · 16/12/2016 03:06

I am not sure if I am being strong headed/aibu here but my sis says so..
For xmas I always used to buy whatever I thought my nieces and nephews would love within my budget.Ok, maybe I have missed once or twice and got the wrong gift.. I love the idea of choosing their gifts and surprising them but in the last couple of years my DSils have decided to create 'gifts lists' for their kids and pass it around the family. I guess the kids get exactly what they want which is a good thing but I have a couple of issues with this.
They are both wealthy and not very reasonable with it. On the list, you'll find a doll for £110 for DN, a pair of PUMA for £85 and it goes on. The cheapest item is £50.. I am a single mum on a low income and would like to spend most of my christmas budget on my own DD (9). I am angry that they don't see that its not the fair thing to do.. They are buying for 1. I have to buy for 8.
They have been asking all week about their lists and also DD's but I refuse to discuss it. I would like to do this my own way. Don't want the stress pressure. I just can't afford it and may be I am too embarrassed to say it..
My sister thinks IABU for not doing the same and telling DSILs what DD would like. She says she is happy to share the cost for all the kids gifts..I am not comfortable with that either.. Its still bloody too much..
Is this common? IABU?
What would you do??

OP posts:
ragz134 · 16/12/2016 09:30

YANBU. SIL and I spend £10-15 on each other's children. If a suggestion is requested then the children know to only ask for things in that price range.
£50 is my max for main presents for my own kids!

Penhacked · 16/12/2016 09:31

Honestly I am sick of this attitude that we all have to pretend we can afford to spend the same. We can't! Some people are so insensitive it's unreal. Best thing is to suggest cheap things if asked specifically or otherwise leave at giver's discretion! Just ignore and buy them something within budget

YelloDraw · 16/12/2016 09:33

I'd love a gift list. I'm shit at buying gifts. Much prefer to buy something for someone they have chosen.

Butterymuffin · 16/12/2016 09:34

Books or book tokens are the way ahead for kids. That way you can always get something for under £10 too.

lovelearning · 16/12/2016 09:39

Books or book tokens are the way ahead for kids.

Literally.

Cagliostro · 16/12/2016 09:40

The cheapest item is £50

Wow Xmas Shock Xmas Angry not cool

toptomatoes · 16/12/2016 09:46

I make a list for my children - if they mention something, I add it to the list. If I see something I think they'd like, I add it to the list. I can then use it for myself to keep an eye on prices and buy things when they are at a good price. If people ask me what they would like, I send the list as it gives them ideas of what they are into. I don't send it unless people ask for it. I always say it is just for ideas and they don't have to buy the exact item or from Amazon but to let me know if they do buy something similar elsewhere so I can take it off the list. The kids don't know what's on the list so it's still a surprise but hopefully things they'll like/don't have already. Sometimes the person who asked doesn't like the ideas on the list and gets something else.

Original poster
Schoolisback1973 · 16/12/2016 09:55

Hi All,
Many, many thanks for all the great advice. At work so can't reply properly. Will do later.xx

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 16/12/2016 10:24

Book tokens yes, books no.

The older the child the more you can go wrong with a book (something they already have but didn't like enough to reread or simply totally misjudging their taste or reading ability) but even a 3 year old doesn't need 5 copies of the same book which lots of people buy because it's a classic Hmm yes it's polite to be grateful but that doesn't mean recommending people blindly buy books for kids whose shelves they don't know is in any way thoughtful.

Only people who know the child well enough to know what is currently on their bookshelf should confidently buy a child a book as a present unless they are just buying to make themselves feel virtuous as a book gifter.

Now taking a child to a bookshop to choose a book - that is a great present.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/12/2016 10:38

Spend as much as you can afford, don't be pressured to spend more! Hopefully the kids will be grateful regardless

Yes, you'd hope so wouldn't you? Except that some have been raised to be incapable of gratitude for anything Sad I've even been assured that someone couldn't possibly buy such-and-such for her niece as she spent more on the previous year's gift and apparently the girl would work it out in seconds

Worst of all, this was said in a giggly, "Ooooo, isn't she smart" sort of way ...

dowhatnow · 16/12/2016 10:42

It's a waste of money if your thoughtful and carefully chosen gift isn't their idea of a thoughtful and carefully chosen gift. I don't want to waste my hard earnt money so I'm all for lists - however they need to be reasonable in their expectations.
Your family are not being reasonable.

SloeGinandTonic · 16/12/2016 10:46

Now taking a child to a bookshop to choose a book - that is a great present

It is a 2 hour round trip to a bookshop that takes tokens. Amazon is much better. Cheaper books and next day delivery

Randytortoise · 16/12/2016 10:46

Yanbu . We do the Christmas gift list but the cheapest on the list is £1 and all are under £25 people pick what they want within their budget and the DC get something they like. We use the Amazon gift list and keep it running throughout the year for birthdays etc. The DC still get a surprise as there is always loads on the list.

But the list you have been given is ridiculous! There is no way I would spend that amount on DC.

Original poster
Schoolisback1973 · 16/12/2016 11:19

Thanks ALL again. I don't feel U anymore.I see from everyone's posts that times have changed and I am ok with the idea of a list but shouldn't be expected.(I have one for DD but won't share). My 3yo Dn circles pictures on a catalogue and we get screenshots so they are very specific presents hence the £110 doll.
My Dsis is just trying to please the kids at all cost and this is a problem for me. She is running around like a headless chicken looking for that doll as its sold out everywhere. I wouldn't expect her to do that for DD.
I am trying to set up realistic expectations for my DD. I realise that with my family its always the case of 'keeping up with the Jones' and it is draining..I am done with it.
I am going to go with my principle on this one. I will have a serious discussion with my Dsis about this. I will tell Dsils that I have already bought the gifts.. and they're not on the list.
I have found some really cool gifts for the younger ones and will get some vouchers for the teens. I just know I'll hear nieces and nephews say that wasn't on their list but hey!! They will need to get use to my way of gifting them presents.
I am really disapointed with my Dsis. She is DD's god mother and has always been so thoughtful/personal with her gifts and DD treasures them. So for her to think its ok to pass on DD's list and entertain everyone elses' isn't on.. She even suggested I use a credit card to buy her gift to DD with..Angry.
As some posters have said it feels like a transactions rather than a gift. One of my nieces is turning into Verruca salts... and no one bats an eye lid at the bad behaviour.
Thank you all again. Found the courage to stick to my guns and come what may..
Xx

OP posts:
SantanaBinLorry · 16/12/2016 11:25

Yay! well done Schoolisback1973

GravyAndShite · 16/12/2016 11:38

I stopped gifting my bf children as they were so ungrateful and it became a waste of money because they didn't need anything. We are still best friends. On the surface she has much more money than me but I can't be sure as I make it a rule to never assume about people's financial situation.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/12/2016 12:16

I will tell Dsils that I have already bought the gifts.. and they're not on the list

With the sort of folk who'll encourage a three year old Shock to "command" gifts by circling them in a book, that conversation may prove interesting ...

dowhatnow · 16/12/2016 12:26

She even suggested I use a credit card to buy her gift to DD with..angry.

She so needs telling.

Lilicat1013 · 16/12/2016 13:07

I am glad you were able to find a way to sort it. I can't believe she suggested you use a credit card to buy a gift you can't afford, that's awful. You shouldn't have to get in to debt for a Christmas present, big ticket items should from a parent.

I did want to add my own defence of Amazon wishlists as I use them, although they are only mentioned if people ask and nothing on there is more than £30, most less than £10.

My two boys have multiple special needs and buying presents for them can be a challenge. For example my youngest likes dinosaurs which seems to easy however he also likes to bite things and break them in to small pieces ruling out lots of dinosaur toys. It is easier I can put on his list some dinosaurs that are safe for him to have rather than suggest dinosaurs in general to people.

Same with books, my older son loves to books but the books he enjoys are obviously very different that the average boy of his age.

Sensory toys are also much appreciated but that is hard for people to chose without guidance.

The lists aren't ideal but it is better than having to take a present away from them because it is unsafe or wasting people's money on things they may never be able to use. I would never complain because people chose something not from the list though, that is completely up to them. The lists are just suggestions.

steppemum · 16/12/2016 13:18

we do lists for our kids, more so as they gte older and it is harder to pitch to their tastes.

BUT
1.we have a deal that we spend about £15 per child, and we don't buy for adults. One of my brothers is well off, and they often buy things that cost a bit more, but in a non flashy way.

  1. No-one is ever expected to stick to the lists, they are there to help as otherwise I would be tearing my hair out! For example the brother and SIL mentioned above has a couple of times bought lovely things for my dcs totally off her own bat, and my dcs loved them as they would never have thought of it.

So, lists are fine as a help, if needed. Budget setting is a very sensible idea in large families, especially if there are large differences in income.

pictish · 16/12/2016 13:22

Sorry for thickness but can someone explain what is actually going on here?

Who is passing out lists for their childrens' gifts...OP's sister or OP's sisters in law?

pictish · 16/12/2016 13:28

Are the sisters in law her dh's sisters or OP's brothers' wives?

Why does OP have to buy for 8?

Where does the OP's sister come into it?

So confused!

Lazyafternoon · 16/12/2016 13:29

I love present lists. I have a big extended to buy for and knowing what 8 year old niece I've not seen for 6 months would like, as an example, is hard work. So a list with stuff like 'Stationery, sylvanian families, books about fairies' etc. is very useful. And I'll dis one for DS with stuff like 'anything Dinosaur related, long sleeve PJs, stickers etc I want it to be ideas to help the buyer, not - please buy him this.
However my own DSis does impossible gift lists always with very specific things with links to buy it and never in my price range. I'll ask her to put some more stuff on her list and she'll say she can't think of anything else she'd like!!! Well, I spend about £20 on a present for her not £100 so will get something off list. She might not particularly want it but if she doesn't put appropriate things on this list, then the list is useless!!!

pictish · 16/12/2016 13:30

"I am really disapointed with my Dsis. She is DD's god mother and has always been so thoughtful/personal with her gifts and DD treasures them. So for her to think its ok to pass on DD's list and entertain everyone elses' isn't on.. She even suggested I use a credit card to buy her gift to DD with.."

What does this even mean?

joystir59 · 16/12/2016 13:32

OP I think the Christmas gift list idea stinks! Christmas isn't about getting all the presents you want, its about giving. It is about spending time with people you love, or loving all the people you are with, spreading joy, and comfort. Christmas should be in our hearts all days everyday. I lived in a small Greek village for years where Christmas was about sharing food and time with friends and loved ones. We never even thought of spending money on gifts. I loved it.