AIBU to refuse and boycott the 'xmas gifts list' idea?

[Schoolisback1973]

I am not sure if I am being strong headed/aibu here but my sis says so..
For xmas I always used to buy whatever I thought my nieces and nephews would love within my budget.Ok, maybe I have missed once or twice and got the wrong gift.. I love the idea of choosing their gifts and surprising them but in the last couple of years my DSils have decided to create 'gifts lists' for their kids and pass it around the family. I guess the kids get exactly what they want which is a good thing but I have a couple of issues with this.
They are both wealthy and not very reasonable with it. On the list, you'll find a doll for £110 for DN, a pair of PUMA for £85 and it goes on. The cheapest item is £50.. I am a single mum on a low income and would like to spend most of my christmas budget on my own DD (9). I am angry that they don't see that its not the fair thing to do.. They are buying for 1. I have to buy for 8.
They have been asking all week about their lists and also DD's but I refuse to discuss it. I would like to do this my own way. Don't want the stress pressure. I just can't afford it and may be I am too embarrassed to say it..
My sister thinks IABU for not doing the same and telling DSILs what DD would like. She says she is happy to share the cost for all the kids gifts..I am not comfortable with that either.. Its still bloody too much..
Is this common? IABU?
What would you do??

I don't mind an ideas list if I ask for one but hate them uninvited. Awfully grabby to put only expensive items on there, if they want their children to have those things let them buy them.

YANBU but this requires a bit of communication on both sides. A list where the lowest thing is £50 is quite unreasonable. Would they expect to spend a similar amount on your DD? I'd be seriously embarrassed if a relative did that to us, however generous the intent, since that is about the max I'm spending on the kids myself.

I just can't afford it and may be I am too embarrassed to say it.

I think there is your problem. You'll have to be honest with them, some people are so blinkered they can't see that other people's disposable income and priorities might be different than theirs. Can you offer to buy a gift card of a specified outlet, then you can control the amount and they sort of control the present.

I like lists because I think the gift is for the recipient's benefit not mine - I want to buy something the child actually likes, and it isn't about me. It also seems like a stupendous waste of money, even if it isn't a vast sum, and of resources/ "stuff" to buy something children may already have or simply not like, I do think you need to know a child quite well to choose for them and we don't always know nephews and nieces well if we don't live in the same town etc.

But

Your SILs are taking the piss because they have put such expensive things on their lists.

Obviously if you make a list you suggest things slightly less expensive than people normally buy (and edit your kids lists or make this clear to them, depending whether they are of an age to understand prices).

So in your position I would not buy from the lists. I would say exactly why, though it is their fault for putting you in that position which is a shame.

Yanbu. We had an email from my SIL this year with a list of clothes our niece wants with links, asking us to reply to all to tell us what we had bought. Also telling one Under that if he was buying vouchers again not to get what he did last year but something else, and to give money (not cheques) to the nephew.

Other nephew ailed us month or so in advance telling us he was buying a tablet for Christmas so he wanted gift vouchers from a particular shop for birthday and Christmas. When his birthday gift was given, he sent a generic mass email to everyone which just said "thank you for.my voucher".

None of this is cool in my book.

My dd has 8 items on an amazon list. This is because otherwise we will end up with 3 of the same item again or even worse large items we have no space for.

However 3 of these items are ideas not items (this is easy to set up) and there is nothing over £10.

Nothing has been bought from the list so far so assuming people are doing their own thing or have bought items on list from elsewhere.

In OPs case I would send money or vouchers to be used towards larger items. I dont spend more than £15 per present so £110 dolls are just ridiculous things to have on the list.

I like gift lists as I hate the waste of duplicating something that a recipient already has. But having a gift list where the cheapest thing is £50 is just grabbiness and entitlement so ignoring the list is the right thing to do.

Generally I like gift lists, it means they get something they like.

But in this situation , I would talk to your DSILs and be honest about your budget - along the lines of "I can't afford to spend more than E.g. £15 per child so can't buy them anything off the gift list".
It may be that your SILs just haven't stopped to think that other family members won't have as much to spend on presents as they do.

YANBU. This is a piss take. YABU for not saying something to assert yourself. The amount of money and whether you can afford it is a bit of a red herring. The only response required is that the gifts are outside of the budget you have set.

Entitled much yanbu! They are taking the mickey! Say to them, 'I would love to get them something off that list, I reallllyyy would (sarcasm) but as you well know, I'm a lone parent working my arse off, on a low income and with 8 others to buy for including my own dd, my budget simply won't stretch that far.' They should then be feeling guilty at this point. I'd then go on to explain to them, you've already got something in mind that you think they'll love and it'll be a lovely surprise.

I dislike lists being sent out, unless requested.

It's simply a marketeer's version of the annual family conversations 'what would the DC like for Xmas?' So when it starts with the enquirer, fine. Less so from the recipients.

Not all gifts have to be bought. Getting surprises can be a memorable part of Christmas.

OP: in your case, I think YAB(a little)U is nmaking this about your dislike of lists (though I agree with you that your DSis has gone about it the rude way round)

But YANBU in not buying for a list when you cannot afford anything on it, or if you simply don't want to.

As this is your DSis, I hope you can tell her fairly straight that you wouldn't dream of telling her how to organise her Christmas, so you'd prefer not to be told how to do yours. And you won't be having lists. And as there is nothing affordable on her list, you will continue to buy surprises.

Gift lists are useful if they come in a range of price points to stop people wasting their money on things that won't get used or that the kids already have. It's not reasonable if they only have high cost items or you haven't asked for gift ideas for the DC. I would just send them a voucher that way they can get what they really want and you don't have to break your budget. I don't like it when people complain that not being able to choose takes the joy out of gift giving though. The gift isn't for you so why make it all about you by insisting on choosing because you enjoy it.

YANBU.
Lots of my relatives specifically ask for lists which is fine but I would never dream of sending one unsolicited!
How about £15 vouchers for the shops/websites that sell the expensive toys?

I would hate that. I have a lot of nieces / nephews and love picking out gifts for them. They are always so grateful and afterwards send me pictures of what they've made with them or when they've finished reading a book. A list leaves no room for the surprise item child would never have picked out but now loves. I never buy big spaceblocking stuff. For teens it's money or vouchers. My older nieces still remind me of things l bought them that they loved and they are now in their 20s and off my list.
I was always a bit sensible with my own dc but they have an uncle who bought them mad crap they loved and l couldnt bear to buy so l think more space for originality is needed. A child benefits from having to be grateful for everything and also from those surprise successes that make their day.
Just tell your ds you prefer surprises and stick to your own budget..

So your DSis said that she will split the cost of the expensive stuff with you? That wouldn't feel much like giving a gift, would it? Strange.

We use Amazon gift lists in my family. We all find it much easier than traipsing about hunting for gifts. However, the gifts are a range of prices. After I've made my DC's list (they do not write it themselves or even know it exists - so we are not bringing them up to be "grabby") I also buy from it, so there are more expensive things on there. We also have an agreed budget.

These lists can be a good thing but, also a bad thing.

Go with what you can afford

If someone asks I always suggest a few present between £15-25. Asking for expensive presents is just bad manners. You buy expensive things for your children yourselves.

I find all gift lists rude, presumptuous and grabby, even wedding ones. I can remember when people used to think about the thought someone put into a gift, even if it was something not to their liking or preference. We're raising children to be extremely entitled. The costs of the presents children expect are getting increasingly ridiculous. I blame parents. They take any disappointment of their children at xmas personally. Its some weird prestige transference thing.

I'd buy something off the list.

We have amazon wish list set up for the kids but only give it to people who ask for it for ideas.
I always stress it's only ideas and not a demand list (although it helps with things like Lego sets and monster high dolls so people don't get ones they already have if I just said they want Lego for example.)
I always make sure there is a range of presents from a couple of pounds upwards (I do put more expensive things on as some family club together and get a bigger present)
I also put notes on about where it is cheapest etc to save people like Darren's nan having to shop around.

Asking for expensive presents is just bad manners.

Asking for presents is bad manners.

We are bringing up a nation of Veruca Salts

Songbird, please explain.

I love lists and I also love budgets!! Make a list of the people you want to buy for then utterly what you think they'd like and you can afford within your budget.

YANBU

We always do gift lists, well, a wish list, even DH and myself to each other. We had too many disasters otherwise.

I did it as a child, carefully lead by my mum to wish for small inexpensive items for relatives like a book, game, puzzle. Sometimes I got a surprise as well. My mum would talk to my aunts/grandmum and made sure nobody would buy the same item.

DD does it since she is able to wish for things. We talk about it and she normally asks for items around the 20 quid mark max. This year she asked for a book and my mum actually came back and asked for another suggestion.

It avoids duplication, money spend on items nobody wants or can use.

As long as it is in a range of price people can afford and you still can choose and not just get a gift allocated you still have the surprise element.

lovelearning have you not read Charlie and the chocolate factory? Verruca Salt is the very spoilt girl who's father would give her whatever she wanted... I won't spoil for you what happens to her at the paws of Willy Wonka's squirrels!!

I'd decide what amount I could afford and give it in cash with a nice card. As someone from a large family whose children therefore get a crazy amount of stuff they simply ) don't need and b) have no space for, I am 100% behind the idea of a gift list, so I get where they're coming from, but the prices seem way out of reality, so I'd go with cash :) good luck and have a fab Christmas xx

I think you should be brave and say to your sister what you've said to us: the cheapest item on the list is £50, I simply can't afford anything like that x8. It is soooo not an unreasonable position. And then reiterate that you've already bought the gifts anyway. You might need to say that no you don't want her to sub your gifts, it's a present nota cash transaction and you'd like to buy them presents yourself.

We use wishlists if people ask for them, kids don't know they exist, and wherever possible I use a free text thing to just put "a rucksack" or whatever. Having nothing under £50 is ridiculous. Ours tend to be up to £15 mainly. One set of GPs spend up to £8ish.