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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse and boycott the 'xmas gifts list' idea?

153 replies

Schoolisback1973 · 16/12/2016 03:06

I am not sure if I am being strong headed/aibu here but my sis says so..
For xmas I always used to buy whatever I thought my nieces and nephews would love within my budget.Ok, maybe I have missed once or twice and got the wrong gift.. I love the idea of choosing their gifts and surprising them but in the last couple of years my DSils have decided to create 'gifts lists' for their kids and pass it around the family. I guess the kids get exactly what they want which is a good thing but I have a couple of issues with this.
They are both wealthy and not very reasonable with it. On the list, you'll find a doll for £110 for DN, a pair of PUMA for £85 and it goes on. The cheapest item is £50.. I am a single mum on a low income and would like to spend most of my christmas budget on my own DD (9). I am angry that they don't see that its not the fair thing to do.. They are buying for 1. I have to buy for 8.
They have been asking all week about their lists and also DD's but I refuse to discuss it. I would like to do this my own way. Don't want the stress pressure. I just can't afford it and may be I am too embarrassed to say it..
My sister thinks IABU for not doing the same and telling DSILs what DD would like. She says she is happy to share the cost for all the kids gifts..I am not comfortable with that either.. Its still bloody too much..
Is this common? IABU?
What would you do??

OP posts:

joystir59 · 16/12/2016 13:34

Schoolisback1973 so I applaud your strength and hope you stick to your guns, rather than feeling stressed, embarrassed and far from love which is how you will feel if you give in to this stupid pressure.

lovelearning · 16/12/2016 13:46

She is DD's god mother
She even suggested I use a credit card to buy her gift to DD with

Viviennemary · 16/12/2016 13:51

Just say sorry I simply haven't got the money to subscribe to this list club. They sound very selfish and inconsiderate. Surely they must realise you haven't got £85 to spend on one individual child. I'd be inclined to say shall we not bother with presents this year.

belgina · 16/12/2016 13:55

I like lists, because my ds & dd1 used to get stereotypical boy or girl things and neither were interested in those things.
The lists are broad though (e.g. interests are: Peppa pig, drawing, wheels) and always have a voucher choice on for specific shops my now teen dcs would use.
As a family we set a £15 per child limit for gifts too, to make it reasonable, because if you have to buy for 5-6 nieces and nephews it does add up!
In your case I would go off list, but take inspiration from the type of things she seemed to like. Such expensive gifts are a bit demanding though!

BringMeTea · 16/12/2016 13:58

A few folks could use a nice sampler for Christmas with the phrase: I want doesn't get.
World's going to hell in a handcart. (would also make a suitable epithet)

Aki23 · 16/12/2016 14:06

Say you have already bought the presents and you prefer to find something special that you have chosen. I don't mind wedding lists but fully object to Christmas lists. The closest I might get to it is making some suggestions to close family members who are not sure what to buy. In the case of my FIL he tells me how much he wants to spend, I find a toy and tell him what it is before ordering (got to love Amazon). DS is 6 months at Christmas so no toy is over £10 anyway and Ive actually suggested to family not to worry about spending much if anything as he is so little, Id rather they came around for the day and brought booze :). I really can't understand the need for all presents worth £££££. I remember having one big present and lots of little ones or just the latter. Personally I have always felt that if there are any big presents to be bought it should be the parents to buy these unless others really want to ie. maybe GP. I would never tell someone what to buy but always happy to make suggestions if asked then there is no expectation or disappointment/embarrassment on either side.

MrsMattBomer · 16/12/2016 14:07

The only thing we use lists for is to list what DCs have already got or what we're planning to get them ourselves.

Other than that, people can choose to buy them whatever they want at any price.

We just felt it better to list what they've already got so people don't go wasting money buying another of them. The list is online and is e-mailed to everyone. Everyone's really appreciated that as I suppose it takes some of the "Oh what if they've already got this?" out of the equation.

tanyadm · 16/12/2016 14:10

Wow. PILs asked for a suggestion for our two, as they do every year, but what we suggested is £30 - between them.

So rude, thoughtless and grabby to ask extended family for £50+ gifts.

MrsMattBomer · 16/12/2016 14:10

But yeah, to demand you buy a present of a certain value is grabby, IMO.

One of DS2's most treasured possessions is a carved wooden elephant given to him by my best friend for Christmas one year. She bought it in Thailand and it probably cost way less than a tenner but he adores it.

randomeragain · 16/12/2016 14:13

if they are rich why do they need more stuff

lovelearning · 16/12/2016 14:16

if they are rich why do they need more stuff

That's the question I keep asking.

MeetMeAtMidnight · 16/12/2016 14:27

I don't mind lists but keep it to reasonable items within normal gift buying budgets for the giver. We had this conversation with my SIL after she started doing this and created a drama a couple of years ago. Their only dc was devastated not to get a certain high priced item that was the must have thing that year and that somehow had become our responsibility to get because it appeared on a long list we were sent. We assumed we could choose something from the list within our budget not the whole bloody list. In the event we actually bought two items that came to a little over what we'd normally spend. We saw the thing she wanted so badly in the light of being a 'main' present' as in something parents would buy not aunts and uncles with other nieces and nephews on both sides to buy for.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 16/12/2016 15:36

We have christmas lists but it is generic, party dress, basket ball, craft stickers, ink pads etc.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/12/2016 15:40

We assumed we could choose something from the list within our budget not the whole bloody list

I'm so sorry - I know it's not really funny but that did give me a laugh (after all it's either that or scream ) If I've not misunderstood you, was it really their intention you'd get everything, including the high-priced, "must have" item?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear ...

NiceFalafels · 16/12/2016 15:52

It's very sensible to buy from a wish list because it's more environmental to buy a specific wanted gift for someone - rather then an unwanted gift. Secondly it makes financial sense to buy something that is wanted. If you can't afford the item just give cash/voucher towards it. Lastly buying from a wish list simplifies xmas.

HappyMummy08 · 16/12/2016 15:57

EverySongbirdSays - AMEN to this!! Couldn't have said it better myself!

WankersHacksandThieves · 16/12/2016 16:03

I think it's fair enough if you've asked for ideas and they've given suggestions that seem in line with the gifts you normally buy.

However I don't think it's unreasonable for them to ask you what if anything you are buying from the list so they know whether a gift from the list is being provided or not and they can either buy the item themselves if they want the DC to have it, or offer the item to someone else who wants a suggestion in that budget range.

I've never done any of this by the way. DSs either get a cheque, money or a small gift chosen by the giver. That's fine by me. It's not really up to other people to deliver Santa requests unless they specifically want to.

WankersHacksandThieves · 16/12/2016 16:04

I meant to add that what you intend to do is perfectly reasonable, but I think you just state that you are not buying from the list and that is that.

DinosaursRoar · 16/12/2016 16:26

YANBU - it's so rude to only put high price items on a list and to provide the list without being asked for it!

I have a sort of list as I know my parents and DB will ask for ideas - my Dad wants "this is the Amazon link" type links, DB wants ideas like "Lego, maybe something from the Ninjago or Space City ranges, or whatever looks fun."

I would go off list if I was you. Perhaps next year have a chat with your sister around November time before the list is produced and say you are looking at spending around £X per child this year, so if they have any ideas in that range, to let you know, or else you'll just go get something you think they'd like.

ASISAYNOTASIDO · 16/12/2016 17:17

Ah OP the Xmas 'gift grab' by the relatives. Years ago I was buying endless gifts for nieces and nephews often with VERY grabby 'suggestions' from DBs (eh a bike) all of whom had kids when I didn't. All gifting suddenly ceased when I had my DC and I was instructed that only 'consumable' gifts (wine etc) would be acceptable as there was just too much consumerism in the world. Bless their cotton socks. I give them nothing and I get likewise in return but it still annoys me that I bothered for all of those years. SIL's do a Kris Kindle - all kids are allocated a gift worth max £50 and only get one bought by a designated person. That way you end up buying EXACTLY the same number of gifts that you receive. Problem solved and kids get something nice and no one is p**sed off. If they don't agree just bow out and buy gifts for your kids yourself.

EverySongbirdSays · 16/12/2016 17:36

pictish

I think what its saying is that the SILs who are well off have produced these lists. OP does not want to play along as she has one DD an is not as well off. DD loses out as she will recieve two/three gifts, OP has to buy 8. And then still have money left after these expensive gifts for DD's presents. Which she won't. She simply can't afford to do this.

OP's sister has said she is U and that she will pay half towards DD's presents so that OP can still buy for the DNs.

OP thinks this way madness lies, she'd be right

HappyMummy thanks

GoodyGoodyGumdrops · 16/12/2016 17:48

Christmas lists are for Father Christmas.

Are you Father Christmas?

Cagliostro · 16/12/2016 18:31

We don't even do lists for Father Christmas

Aeroflotgirl · 16/12/2016 18:36

In that situation, just bungsome money in the card or a gift card. That list sounds way too much!

DelphiniumBlue · 16/12/2016 18:44

I look at these lists as just ideas, not demands. For some people, there are things they really want or need, and Christmas is the only time they might get them. It can be really hard to be longing for something specific, then not get it AND see the equivalent sum of money being spent on something you don't want. That's if you are skint and have little chance of getting the item otherwise.
For the better off, the lists are probably unnecessary and can be disregarded if you prefer to buy something else!

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