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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take annual leave for dd's uni open day?

148 replies

jjos1 · 15/12/2016 11:57

my shift falls on the same day/time, but annual leave is an option. she has just turned 19... she really wants me to come. however, i want to go to work and not use my annual leave for it.

OP posts:
waterrat · 15/12/2016 17:53

I know but when I went to uni we went and saw rhem ourselves and it was enjoyable and exciting to be starting to weigh up life decisions. Surely mum and dad can give advice from the sidelines ? People of 18/19 are not suddenly independent of course but the process has to begin somewhere. Also I had a brilliant time on my uni visits !

SantasJockstrap · 15/12/2016 17:56

Yes she's officially ''an adult''

However I'm in my 40s and still need my mum sometimes

Support her, fgs what is wrong with you

SantasJockstrap · 15/12/2016 17:59

Just to add, I had the pleasure of accompanying mine on an open day around 5 years ago, to a uni about 30 miles away - and it did seem that most young people had at least one parent with them

ViewBasket · 15/12/2016 21:53

The young person will be at university by themselves so it's important to see how they feel being there individually, rather than with a family member. Also surely they know they can ask questions and don't need a parent there to encourage them to do so? It isn't unsupportive to not be physically present at the visit, so that would be a totally valid choice OP. You can listen to what the potential student thinks of it themselves and support them in making their own decision. It's also not unusual for parents to be overbearing or overprotective and this may well hinder the young person's natural behaviour or wishes at the open day.

ChristmasAgain · 16/12/2016 00:10

She wants you to go and one day annual leave isn't much do a sacrifice. I'd be deeply disappointed if I were your daughter. You're just not being there for her. If she was asking you to take a day off to do her washing every month or source drugs for her then yeah, pretty unreasonable, but this? seriously?

bojorojo · 16/12/2016 00:49

Is this an open day, or an offer day? Open days are usually June and September prior to UCAS applications opening. If she has a place, it is an offer day. I would go if I was keen to see what the university is like, what the campus/city is like, what course she is interested in and where she might live when she is there. If you are not interested in this, don't bother to go.

melj1213 · 16/12/2016 01:11

YABU - your daughter wants you to be there to support her, why wouldn't you want to do that? It would be one thing if you had an important client meeting/project deadline, but from your OP you'd rather put work and saving your annual leave over supporting your daughter, how do you think that will make her feel?

I went to five open days when I was looking into Unis ten years ago, at least one of my parents came with me to them all, but both came to the first, just because I wanted and asked them to.

I didn't ask them because I was incapable of doing anything myself, or that I needed my hand holding for the entire time, or because I was incapable of catching a train and getting to the campus, but because I wanted them to be there and valued their opinion.

I went to the same private school for the entirety of my school education, my parents chose it when I was 3 years old and I loved being there and stayed right through to the sixth form. I had never had to make education decisions beyond what subjects to do for GCSE/A-level so going to Uni was a big deal, it was the first real decision I had to make about my own education and I could choose to go anywhere and study anything ... which for me was a bit overwhelming.

So when I went to my first Open Day, I asked my parents to come with me because I had no idea what to expect (I was the first person in my family to go to Uni and I'm the oldest child of the oldest children so I was the first one of my cousins to even leave school) and wanted some support.

They came along to the first one, and whilst they let me take the lead in the course specific talks, when we went on a general tour, my parents then asked the guide about practical questions I'd probably not thought of in the moment - average cost of living, public transport, practicalities of securing Halls, paperwork deadlines, 2nd/3rd year housing etc ... stuff I'd have probably never thought to ask, but were good questions to help with the selection process as a whole, and when I got home it was nice to be able to sit and discuss it with them and get their input.

Yoarchie · 16/12/2016 01:18

Yabu
She's asked if you'd come so you should swap shifts if poss

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 16/12/2016 01:23

My parents sent me to my first open day by floating me down a river in a basket made of bulrushes. I was a newborn baby ofc but I still got in. Never did me any harm.

Bettyspants · 16/12/2016 01:24

Lots of different views here and completely valid reasons for you to attend or not attend.

However this is about your daughter who you've stated really wants you to come. She clearly values your advice and insight- maybe she's not as sure as you think she is.

You live very close I don't know your work but it may be possible to take a half day leave. I did everything independently, my sibling wanted advice from our Dad on job prospects then med schools etc. Everyone is different i just don't see what the issue is....

VoodooPeople · 16/12/2016 02:09

Tony

I hope they wove a flotilla to help you with moving in day. Parking space for mules next to the Nile is like gold dust the week before Freshers.

Limitededition7inch · 16/12/2016 05:31

Not really saying anything that hasn't been said but you really don't have to go. She's going to be living there for 3 years, not you. Not going doesn't make you an unsupportive parent: you can support her in other ways.

ohlittlepea · 16/12/2016 05:43

Oh please go. This is one of your last chances to be there for her when you need her. I have some really fond memories of uni open days with my mum. Soon she will be out living her own life and all of the demands on your time will be gone. Don't leave her to go alone.

RhiWrites · 16/12/2016 05:51

I work at a uni and it's not necessary for you to come at all. But if it's her top choice and she wants you there, I would go. It's not as if she's asked for you to come to 5 of them. You could go to this one.

Minesril · 16/12/2016 06:57

Don't go.

But don't start whinging when she's 30 and doesn't share anything about her life with you.

DollyPlastic · 16/12/2016 07:02

Since fees came in its very usual for a parent to go too, but since you've new said it's 15 minutes away, let her go on her own and go and have a look around another day.

Just pick a day you're not working and go for a walk around it.

Lunar1 · 16/12/2016 07:02

She's asking for help over something that will be one of the biggest financial decisions of her life. It's hardly the same as when it was all free with a grant on top. Does she have anyone more supportive she can ask?

stonecircle · 16/12/2016 07:06

She wants you to go. Isn't that enough?

cinnamongirl1976 · 16/12/2016 07:09

She wants you there. Why wouldn't you want to support her? I'd be feeling really sad and unsupported if I was your daughter.

My dad came to all of mine in the 1990s. He didn't ask the universities any questions or interfere. We had lunch together. I have very fond memories of those days.

cittigirl · 16/12/2016 07:13

If she really wants you to go, I think you should take AL. Can't you make a day of it, lunch out etc etc? It's a big thing for her obviously.

NoahVale · 16/12/2016 07:15

i went to them with my dd, most of them, and accompanied her to interviews, And took her to a uni fair.
op's dd is only going to one, and it is 15 minutes away. i think op should go

BellsaRinging · 16/12/2016 07:16

I am always very dismissive of the practice now of attending with parents. I remember having a great time at the open days I went to with my friends and on my own. Part of that fun was being independent and without my parents. BUT she has asked you to go. That's indicative of the fact she values your opinion and that you have a good relationship. Given that she's asked, I would go and be proud she wanted me there. Perhaps with a side order of talking about uni and the need for increased independance, if you feel it's needed.

PollytheDolly · 16/12/2016 07:16

I went to all of them with both my children. It was ultimately their decision but they appreciated our input.

However, after the first few lets just say if you've been to one open day the rest will be very similar Grin

MissMargie · 16/12/2016 07:21

I went 10 yrs ago and found DPs and DCs were separated so I was only a taxidriver.in two separate unis.
Try phoning and asking uni as if they do this no need to go.

SuburbanRhonda · 16/12/2016 07:27

Try phoning and asking uni as if they do this no need to go.

The OP doesn't need to find a reason. The OP has already said she'd rather be at work than give up one day of annual leave to do something that's important to her daughter. So her reason is that she can't be bothered.