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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not take annual leave for dd's uni open day?

148 replies

jjos1 · 15/12/2016 11:57

my shift falls on the same day/time, but annual leave is an option. she has just turned 19... she really wants me to come. however, i want to go to work and not use my annual leave for it.

OP posts:

megletthesecond · 15/12/2016 13:49

I would go. It's an expensive and huge decision for her.

BarbarianMum · 15/12/2016 13:52

Yes, and that's the point really Foot. Because it is a huge financial commitment, the teen/adult in question needs to keen, capable and committed. If they can't manage an open day without help, how will they negotiate the complexities of university life independently? And the more that parents dominate (and according to lecturer friends some really do dominate, see also comments up thread) the harder it is for the 17 and 18 year olds to ask the questions they need to ask. Something that was once for the benefit of potential students seems now to be turning into something only accessible with a couple of adults in tow.

RebelandaStunner · 15/12/2016 13:57

I would encourage her to go on her own and meet people. But I probably would go if she really wanted me to.
DS started his apprenticeship at 16 all by himself. We didn't go with him but did go to the apprenticeship fair with him and discussed all the options after.

Mirandawest · 15/12/2016 14:03

I'm trying to remember how many interviews/open days I went to. There was a 2 day thing I did at the end of year 12 in London and another 2 day one in Durham. Both of those were very much for students and so a parent would not have had anything to do if they had come.

Then an interview with an overnight stay, a one day interview and at least three open days. That would have been at least 10 days annual leave to take. I get 26 days leave plus bank holidays so using those days would be a high percentage of it.

I do care about my children and tbh I could see that it could be useful for DS to have someone else there to notice some things but surely it will be him going so he's the one who needs to do it rather than me coming along.

Footinmouthasusual · 15/12/2016 14:03

Barbarian

I think there's s huge difference between dominating the open day and standing back, listening and encouraging the young adult to ask questions and then being able to chat about all the options on the way home.

Your view that if a young person can't hack am open day so can't hack uni was the complete opposite for us.

We didn't go with ds 1 and he dropped out in year 2. We went with dc2 and he got a degree. We went with Dd3 and she's sure it's for her and will go with dd4.'

It's sensible before making such a huge financial and life style choice to have support and alternative views I think.

Orangepear · 15/12/2016 14:03

I'd go with her. Hell, I've just had my mum come with me to look at primary schools for my DD! It's good to have a second opinion and someone to talk things through with, especially someone you have the same reference points as, like a family member.

Footinmouthasusual · 15/12/2016 14:04

And have to say at all the open days not one young adult didn't have a parent with them.

Mirandawest · 15/12/2016 14:21

It's starting to feel a bit like the feeling I got when we moved house when DS was in year 1 and he went to a birthday party. Where we were before, year 1 parents dropped their children off and then came and picked them up. So I did that and then DS asked me why I didn't stay like the other mummies .

I am starting to wonder if this will happen in 5 years time if I don't go. Will have to encourage him to go to places I'd like to visit

watchingthedetectives · 15/12/2016 14:31

I personally would go to work. She can make an assessment of the pros and cons and talk it through. There maybe others as well and you'll spend your whole year trekking around
I didn't go with DS1 and 2 and they seemed to make reasonable decisions
My parents put me on a plane for my interviews at 17 (and it was fine) - so I may not be the most mollycoddling parent. That said DH is the same.

BdumBdummer · 15/12/2016 14:38

Not sure it's mollycoddling to be an extra pair of eyes and ears if that's what they want. I wouldn't dream of barging up to tutors or whatever.

minipie · 15/12/2016 14:40

I think it depends whether you want to have input into her choice of university.

If you want to have an opinion and for her to listen to that opinion (even if the final decision is up to her) then I think you'd better go, otherwise you'll have nothing to base your view on.

However if you think the choice should be entirely up to her and you won't have anything useful to add to the decision, then there is no reason for you to go.

Either is a perfectly ok stance IMO.

Smithy1234 · 15/12/2016 15:15

Didn't read the comments, so my apologies if it was already discussed. There are usually a couple of Open Days in a row. My university will have them on two consecutive Saturdays in a row + some on Wednesdays as well. Maybe there is one on a more suitable day?
The majority of applicants do bring their parents with them.

PurpleDaisies · 15/12/2016 15:19

Why does she want you there op?

SuburbanRhonda · 15/12/2016 15:22

It's itrelevant what other people did and how far around the world their children travelled unaccompanied at the age of 3.

What's relevant is that the OP's DD wants her mum to come with her and the OP has said she'd rather be at work.

Don't go, OP, she already knows you'd rather be somewhere else so no point rubbing her nose in it.

CockacidalManiac · 15/12/2016 15:23

It's all going a bit 'four Yorkshiremen' again.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/12/2016 15:25

Indeed, cock.

RedHelenB · 15/12/2016 15:28

I think yabu she wants your support and is it too much to ask to give up a day's annual leave to help her? Plus it gives you a bit of one to one time with her. I was surprised my dd wanted me to go with her but I think she just needed that second opinion plus it was companionship on the train. She quite happily went off to the Oxford UNIQ summer school by herself and will travel and stay overnight by herself for her interviews.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2016 15:31

If they can't manage an open day without help

MatildaTheCat · 15/12/2016 15:32

She really wants me to come.

This is the key issue. She's either nervous or really values your opinion. It being local makes it easy to visit but it's maybe still a huge thing for her. If you absolutely can't won't go, is there anyone else to support her.

My own ds x2 didn't want me there so I didn't go. My Best friend went to about 6 with her dd and pretty much had a spreadsheet of all the pros and cons. Neither is wrong. It's about what's right for that young person.

Can you really not swap your shift or take a half day? The uni may have alternative dates, too. But on the face of it I think YABABU but hey, your choice.

DurhamDurham · 15/12/2016 15:36

I loved having a look around different towns and cities when our youngest was choosing where she would like to go. I took annual leave but it was worth it as we made a day of it and had dinner somewhere nice and we had a chance to spend some time together.

Of course you must do what you think is best for your family, you're in good company as from previous posts it's hugely frowned upon to help/support/enable older teens to do anything at all. They must be totally self sufficient once they've embarked upon their A levels.

VoodooPeople · 15/12/2016 17:04

It's all going a bit 'four Yorkshiremen' again

😂

Well she started it with her adrenaline rush at going on a train.

waterrat · 15/12/2016 17:07

Honestly think this is crazy. Adults need to learn to make adult decisions ! How will they learn if you mollcoddle them every step of the way.

BdumBdummer · 15/12/2016 17:16

Adult about to get into major debt. Nothing wrong with wanting another person whose opinion you trust with you. Nothing wrong with not having them with you.

MatildaTheCat · 15/12/2016 17:34

Waterrat have you genuinely never asked another person for their opinion before making a life changing decision?

I consider myself a pretty well functioning adult of some considerable time and I ask for others' opinions all the fucking time.

Being too grown up to need advice could be a very dangerous thing IMO.

wictional · 15/12/2016 17:51

I think it depends if you want to make your daughter feel supported in her (pretty major) decision or not. That fact that the uni is only 15 mins away and you still cba to go makes you even more unreasonable imo.

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