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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take annual leave for dd's uni open day?

148 replies

jjos1 · 15/12/2016 11:57

my shift falls on the same day/time, but annual leave is an option. she has just turned 19... she really wants me to come. however, i want to go to work and not use my annual leave for it.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 15/12/2016 12:34

You said on your OP that you want to go to work on that day.

So tell her, so she's completely clear where your priorities are. Better she learns that now and doesn't get her hopes up that you're going to be supportive.

LottieDoubtie · 15/12/2016 12:34

These threads pop up all the time with much eye rolling about going on my own 'in my day'.

Well I'm rapidly approaching middle age and my parents (one at a time) came to all of mine. As did most of my peers. Parents going has been a 'thing' for a really long time- probably since the full grants went out...

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 15/12/2016 12:35

Having been through this twice now, I think if you can it's a good idea to go - mainly because she's asking you to. DS was my first, and he left it all quite late (as did I if I'm honest). He only managed two, the first of which I went with and the second I drove him & he buggered off inside saying I didn't need to come in.
DD was keener on me going, so I went to three with her and she did two with friends. It was actually useful to have seen at least some of the places and listened to the course presentations; I think it helped her to decide on the order of her choices.
That said, plenty do go alone and if you can't fit it in to your life (and she's happy with that) it's not the end of the world.

BringMeTea · 15/12/2016 12:35

YANBU at all to say you can't make it. We went with a friend or alone. At 19 it is a very good time to start enforcing some independence whether it suits them or not. Using a day's leave is crazy.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/12/2016 12:37

bringmetea

The OP didn't say she couldn't make it. She says she wants to go to work on that day. She could go if she made it a priority which she clearly doesn't want to do.

WhisperingLoudly · 15/12/2016 12:37

she really wants me to come

Of course YABU

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 15/12/2016 12:38

Just realised she really wants you to come. I don't see how you could feel okay about saying no in that case - but only go if you can be cheerful and suppoortive about it.

seagreengirl · 15/12/2016 12:41

I'd go. My daughter wanted me to go to see some of her choices because she respects my opinion, she doesn't always take it though.

My parents didn't go to mine, however I have a completely different kind of relationship with my DC than I had with my parents. There is much more mutual respect. I have to admit to a bit of jealousy though at the lovely art schools now compared to when I went forty years ago Smile

SuburbanRhonda · 15/12/2016 12:41

Agree with shotgun - definitely don't go if you're going to be complaining that you'd have rather been at work.

Itsnotmesothere · 15/12/2016 12:42

YADNBU. I say as this someone who never even asked my mum if she wanted to come to my open day. Although this may seem like a big deal now, she may very well drop out after 1st year!

JeffJarrett · 15/12/2016 12:44

If you don't have other school age kids you need the annual leave for to cover childcare/appointments, I'd say YABU.

If you use the majority of it on days off for yourself/holidays or whatever, I don't see that using one on your daughter should be an issue at all... Unless you just don't want to go, which seems a bit mean to me as you said she really wants you there.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/12/2016 12:46

she may very well drop out after 1st year!

What a strange thing to say. Though it's more likely to happen if the OP is as unsupportive to her DD as she appears to be from this thread.

MirandaGoshawk · 15/12/2016 12:47

I went with my DD to a couple of Uni open days. After that she stopped inviting us (her parents) and went on her own - she had already made up her mind really and was just comparing the others to her first choice.

I think you should go with her, if that's what she wants. As has been said, what else is annual leave for? Especially if she is serious about wanting to go to this one - don't you want to be informed about her life? Before you know it she will have finished at Uni and you'll be wondering where the time went. It's good to make her feel that you are supporting her and to show an interest in this life decision - after all, you're likely to be contributing financially to it!

xStefx · 15/12/2016 12:47

I couldn't really think of a better way to use one of my Annual leave days, that's lovely she has asked you to come. Lets hope you declining her invitation doesn't stop her from inviting you to other important events in "her" life.

Original poster
jjos1 · 15/12/2016 12:49

she can drive, so she could easily drive there, it's only about 15 mins away!! this is the only one she is visiting, so most likely going to go there, so no choices involved either.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/12/2016 12:50

Very unsupportive OP

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/12/2016 12:50

Could you take a half day off?

Tuktuktaker · 15/12/2016 12:51

You are so lucky she wants you to go with her and values your advice. Don't push her away like this, it might do damage to your future relationship with her, which would be sad for both of you. She needs your support, it's a massive decision, even for a so-called "adult" (where's that article about the rational part of people's brains only being fully developed at the age of 25 when you need it? Oh, here's something: Is 25 the new cut-off point for adulthood?).

5moreminutes · 15/12/2016 12:52

I'm always conflicted about these because as a child of the 70s I would have cut my own arm off before being accompanied to an open day by either of my parents - you went on your own or with a mate, and were absolutely champing at the bit to be independent and out there on your own.

I am always sad that young people these days don't have that wonderful thrill of freedom, excitement and adventure about getting out into the world on their own, but are so anxious and cautious and reluctant to cast off into the big wide world.

I remember the adrenaline so well of jumping on trains, staying over night in B&Bs, going on road trips all alone to a couple of open days, and the different but equally exciting adventures of the couple of road trips I did with my friend to open days. They were the beginning of an exciting few years of wonderful freedom, not only uni but jumping on a plane to go and volunteer in India for 6 months a couple of weeks after my 18th birthday...

But I appreciate that times have changed and our poor kids have been conditioned to be frightened by the future and its association with debt and anxiety about making the wrong choices.

I will go with my kids if they want me to, and expect I will probably find it interesting and quite enjoyable, despite the fact I would much rather entirely for their sakes that they had the thrill of excitement I had about going it alone rather than needing me to help them by that age.

ViewBasket · 15/12/2016 12:53

I was applying in the 80s and didn't see anyone's parents at any open days. It was no more likely than taking your parents along to a job interview. Mine helped with transport to a nearby location but certainly wouldn't have come onto the campus.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2016 12:59

I have recently been taking DS (17) to a couple of Open Days. I drove him there, I dropped him at the Uni and then I went into the town/city to have a scout about, and picked him up when he texted me to. He was pretty pleased that I didn't trot after him, and was a bit scathing about a dad at the first Open Day dominating the Q&A at one of the events.

So, on balance, I would really question your daughter as to why she wants you there. What will you add to her experience of the Open Day? What does she think she'll miss if you're not there? Can you talk through what she wants from the Open Day, so she can write herself a list of what she wants to achieve from it, and tick off the items as she does them (rather than having her mum prompt her)?

I'd also suggest that she go to more that one Open Day, preferably before she goes to the one she intends to study at. To consider them practice runs, to see what she can get from the event.

VoodooPeople · 15/12/2016 13:01

5moreminutes

Rather patronising post there.

My eldest had "the thrill" of flying abroad by himself from the age of 14, had been away for a month in Peru aged 16 and was already very independent prior to Uni.

Didn't stop me going to the open day with him. He didn't need me to hold his hand or drive him there (he drove us) but he values my opinion and wanted me to see the Uni too.

Itsnotmesothere · 15/12/2016 13:04

Suburbanrhonda Didn't mean it to sound strange, it's just it's not that long ago since I was a student. Many many students dropped out even though they had initial enthusiasm for the subject. A few people I know have supportive parents but still want to drop out. I just meant that she's young and young people often change their mind. If she really wants to go, she will go regardless of whether OP accompanies her. I'm sure that OP can and will support her daughter in other ways relating to education.

Footinmouthasusual · 15/12/2016 13:06

VooDoo exactly spot on post.

Op really so what floats your boat on an annual leave day then?

5moreminutes · 15/12/2016 13:08

Voodoo meh it just seems to timid to need your parents to say it's OK, this is the right decision. Not to be brave enough to own the process by yourself at 18 or 19 seems a sad indictment of the way society is going.

Its not about whether you've been away from home before, but about finding taking responsibility for your own fate exciting and positive rather than overwhelming and scary.