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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not take annual leave for dd's uni open day?

148 replies

jjos1 · 15/12/2016 11:57

my shift falls on the same day/time, but annual leave is an option. she has just turned 19... she really wants me to come. however, i want to go to work and not use my annual leave for it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/12/2016 13:08

Well I took annual leave and went with my daughter, she visited about four and my husband an I did a couple together and one each. I'd say the vast majority of kids had their parents with them and I kind of felt a bit sorry for the ones who didn't as at times they were left hanging around with no one to speak to.

It's your call, but it's a one off time in their lives and for me it's about supporting them, I'm not sure what you have to use your annual leave for that's more important?

BdumBdummer · 15/12/2016 13:11

She wants you to go. Isn't that what annual leave is for.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/12/2016 13:12

Well times have changed viewbasket

5moreminutes · 15/12/2016 13:13

This:

"I'd say the vast majority of kids had their parents with them and I kind of felt a bit sorry for the ones who didn't as at times they were left hanging around with no one to speak to."

is part of I mean!

Of course nobody would want their (adult) kid to be the one hanging about like Billy No Mates because everyone else is with Mummy or Daddy and talking only to Mummy and Daddy, but come on - how did it get like this!

It is sad that now, presumably because university costs so much, parents have started being so involved that even students who would have been confident about going alone when that was the norm are now aware that if they do go alone they will be the odd one out and people will be staring at them with massively misplaced pity!

It sounds in thread on Uni open days as though prospective students are no longer meeting and talking to one another but are staying in a little bubble with their parent on open days!

bbcessex · 15/12/2016 13:17

5moreminutes I assume (hope) you yourself are young as you have a naive 'one size fits all' expectation of society.

VoodooPeople · 15/12/2016 13:19

5moreminutes

Nothing timid about my son Smile nor did he need me to say it's ok/the right decision - that was entirely up to him. Didn't mean he wasn't happy for me to see where he'd be studying for the next 3 years.

Katy07 · 15/12/2016 13:19

The fact that, despite it being so close, she really wants you to go with her should say something. Plus it's the only visit she's doing so it's not like she's asking for more than one day. But since you obviously value your holidays more than you do her then probably better you don't go. I feel sorry for her - so little interest in one of her major life decisions.

baconandeggies · 15/12/2016 13:19

I went to an open day a few months ago. The majority of students visited independently and only 20-30% had parents with them.

I didn't think the ones with parents piping up with questions on their ADULT offpring's behalf looked too good, tbh. It looked a bit pathetic and it doesn't hurt for them to begin university life on their own two feet.

HarrietVane99 · 15/12/2016 13:21

I kind of felt a bit sorry for the ones who didn't as at times they were left hanging around with no one to speak to.

And no-one spoke to them? Everyone spent the day in their family groups and no-one made an effort to speak to anyone else? Sounds like a good argument for parents not to go to open days.

BarbarianMum · 15/12/2016 13:22
bbcessex · 15/12/2016 13:22

OP.. your DD has asked you to go. For whatever reason, one day of your life won't hurt (as long as you do it willingly as other PPs have said)

aginghippy · 15/12/2016 13:24

YANBU to say no, but I would go.

I went to an open day with dd. While she is perfectly capable of going on her own, it was nice to spend the time together. I liked hearing her talk about her interests and her plans, both to me and to the students we met.

What are you saving your annual leave for?

Hardshoulder · 15/12/2016 13:25

Of course nobody would want their (adult) kid to be the one hanging about like Billy No Mates because everyone else is with Mummy or Daddy and talking only to Mummy and Daddy, but come on - how did it get like this!

It is sad that now, presumably because university costs so much, parents have started being so involved that even students who would have been confident about going alone when that was the norm are now aware that if they do go alone they will be the odd one out and people will be staring at them with massively misplaced pity!

It sounds in thread on Uni open days as though prospective students are no longer meeting and talking to one another but are staying in a little bubble with their parent on open days!

I agree, but it's not even just this. I'm an admissions tutor, and parents are starting to take the lead on Open Days, where they're fronting up and behaving as if their 'child' is just a passenger, or an eight year old being encouraged to ask for something in a shop - I had a parent last year who kept asking quite aggressively for the specific results of the current year's graduating class, while her daughter hovered miserably in the background -- unless we spend a lot of time and resources on arranging separate parent sessions.

It all contributes to the idea of university being something parent-sponsored rather than freely-chosen, which really doesn't help students take ownership of their own learning, or their decision to be there on your degree course.

Mirandawest · 15/12/2016 13:27

I find myself wondering about this (although DS is only 13 so a little while yet).

I went on open days and interviews on my own in the mid 90s. There was never any thought of my mum or dad coming with me - they were both teachers so not able to take the time off but I was very supported by them in terms of where I was applying and the courses involved.

I loved going on my own - went off by train and enjoyed doing it myself. And no mobile phone either. Some people I was at school with got driven by parents but that was less common than going on your own.

My DSS is 21 and went off to open days on his own when he was 17/18. As DH didn't go to university he probably asked me what I thought although I'm sure if DSS had wanted him to go with him he would have done.

So I suppose I'll wait and see what DS and then DD say (assuming they apply to university at all of course).

5moreminutes · 15/12/2016 13:31

Bah I'm sure your son is wonderful Voodoo - this is not about your son personally Hmm

bbceesex if you had read the thread you would see I said I was a child of the 70s, so no not young. Also not applying any "one size fits all" formula - there is clearly a trend for young people to be accompanied by a parent and it has clearly snowballed to the point at which the fact most others are now accompanied by a parent creates pressure on those who would have been confident on their own to take a parent just so as to have somebody to talk to! This is, in my personal opinion, rather depressing.

People get so defensive - my snowflake is the most confident and adventurous ever and the fact he needed me at his open days is just a sign that we have an absolutely perfect relationship ... Yes, OK, I believe you!

It is still seems a bit sad to me that open days and leaving for uni are more like going off to a sixth form boarding school your mummy and daddy let you be a "grown up" and have a lot of say in choosing than like actually launching into the adult world. I absolutely appreciate that this is at root because of money, and things have changed. I am allowed to find that overall a negative thing for the young people themselves (in generally, not specifically and personally for Voodoo's son who is clearly exceptional Hmm ) even if other parents think its bloody marvellous still to be needed, or that 25 is the new 18.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 15/12/2016 13:34

OP - you might first ask DD to check if there is another open day coming up. My institution does several throughout autumn and spring. So there may be another in a few weeks that she can do.

I don't think it's U for her to want your opinion. It is a big decision. One obvious difference between now and the 70s or 80s is that having a degree is much commoner, so it's not the ticket to employment it might once have been. People are investing money and time and they want to make sure the decision is right for them. I think that is completely reasonable.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2016 13:35

And no-one spoke to them?

BarbarianMum · 15/12/2016 13:35

I wonder what happens next. Are parents going to start turning up to "help" with job interviews? Actually, scrap that. It's already happening.

BdumBdummer · 15/12/2016 13:38

My mum went with me in the 80s. If my dd chooses uni and if she asks me to go with her, I'll go. If she doesn't, I won't. If we go together and she decides I'm cramping her style, I'll go and take a book to a coffee shop. If she goes alone and finds it hard, I'll and plan a big treat for when she gets home.

Isn't it that easy?

5foot5 · 15/12/2016 13:41

Well like many of the other old fogies on here I went to all my Uni visits alone.

When DD had her first visit to make I assumed she could do the same. It was in South London and we live in Cheshire so that involved a rail journey and crossing London. (Which she had never been to by herself before.) I bought her a ticket and waved her off and, of course, she was absolutely fine. However, she told me that she was the only person there without her parents. One mother arrived with her daughter and couldn't stay so asked DD to look after her!!! It's not even as if DD looked old for her age - she was 17 then.

Anyway, we then went to a talk at school where they recommended parents go because apparently we are more likely to ask the important questions. I assume that now everyone is paying fees rather than it being free like in my day most parents feel that they want to know what their DCs are getting for their money.

We went to all the rest of DDs open days and I have to say I really enjoyed it and found it very interesting.

5moreminutes · 15/12/2016 13:42

bacon that is interesting! I wonder if it varies between universities. Perhaps they attract different student demographics... I wonder which unis are the ones where the vast majority have parents with them and which are the ones where the opposite is the case...

Footinmouthasusual · 15/12/2016 13:43

Will x post now with Bdum but you do surely what your kid wishes and before a twat posts she's 19 not a kid you know what I mean.

Some kids are absolutely fine and don't want parents there and some do so why wouldn't you go?

Not all kids are as confident as others even those brought up exactly the same as their siblings.

This is an open day not s job interview what a daft comparison. Personally as one who didn't go to uni,and would have if my parents had supported,me I was interested to go and happy to support.

FinallyHere · 15/12/2016 13:44

What else would you do with that day's annual leave?

On the face of it, if the campus is 15mins away and the only one being looked at, there doesn't seem much of a decision to take. Does your daughter just want some 'quality time' with you before the next stage in her life? Is there another way to do that?

Footinmouthasusual · 15/12/2016 13:45

And to add it's a huge financial commitment thesw days not the grant it used to be.

VoodooPeople · 15/12/2016 13:47

5moreminutes

Get off your sarcastic soapbox about my son, as you say this thread isn't about him. I simply shared my experience of going to one open day.