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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find these gifts awkward and embarrassing?

350 replies

HardLightHologram · 14/12/2016 23:33

Every year we make a point of saying we don't want much for Christmas for us or the kids. We firmly say we are sticking to a £20pp budget and would appreciate if they did too. We make lots of noise about decluttering and what a lot of stuff we've got, how the kids have gadgets and toys coming out of their ears.

And then every year without fail we hand over a single bag of gifts to SiL and BIL and they fill our car up in return. This year it is FIVE bin bag size bags of presents. A bag full each.

It is equal to the amount we've bought the kids. Totally over budget and completely unnecessary.

I struggle with this every year because what can you do? We've tried everything we can think of. We've even said firmly that we don't want this much stuff and that they arent sticking to the budget. BiL is adamant that SiL is just an amazing shopper and finds bargains. This just isn't true. It's all brand new branded stuff. Lego sets etc, which I know are rarely reduced by much. Current clothes from shops I shop in, not sale stuff.

I find it awkward, embarrassing and tbf a bit controlling.

I refuse to compete, so our gifts look pathetic in comparison.

Please, if anyone has any fresh ideas how to stop this I'd be so so grateful. Short of dumping it all back on her doorstep I am stuck.

And I know how weird and ungrateful this sounds but its suffocating me.

(Also you have probably read this thread before as I think I post a version of it every year).

Please help me.

OP posts:
StubbleTurnips · 15/12/2016 12:29

Is she gifting new things or shit things she wants to replace? That's another of DMs tricks, to gift on her crap so she has an excuse to buy more.

steppemum · 15/12/2016 12:35

I think I would also be tempted to add up the cost of the bags and tell BIL. I would be willing to bet he has no idea.

As to the bulk of it being for you, if I was being kind I would say she is trying to buy your friendship, if I were being unkind I would say that is a deliberate dig at you.

steppemum · 15/12/2016 12:39

Hand it all back and say - look I know you love htis stuff, and you know I hate it, so I would much rather you used it than I sent it to the charity shop.

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 15/12/2016 12:41

One explanation could be that she can't stop herself buying that type of crap, so it all becomes gifts, and it's more appropriate for you than for the kids etc. It's her problem, not yours. You can still get rid of it to charity. You can still say no to being emotionally brought down by her issues.

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/12/2016 12:44

I think that the fact it's all for you actually makes it easier. You're not depriving the kids or your DH - the only person who might be deprived is you, and you would consider it a positive delight to be relieved of these things.

What are you waiting for? Get to a charity shop so that someone else can have her tat! Keep one or max two things but that is IT. Alternatively hide lots of them under your bed to be given to teachers/nursery staff/etc as appropriate gifts through the year.

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 15/12/2016 12:46

That's what I'm going to do. I can regift it all throughout the year.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 15/12/2016 12:49

Perfect. You will be known as Lady Bountiful, such will be your eagerness to get rid of it all Grin

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 15/12/2016 12:51
Grin
OP posts:
Earlgreywithmilk · 15/12/2016 12:55

It sounds like she has a shopping addiction and uses your family as an excuse to buy things. Maybe she just really enjoys shopping and giving people gifts. Maybe she thinks u guys are poor And she wants to give you and ur kids the things she thinks you should have not realising u dont buy much through choice. Is she a hoarder?

MrEBear · 15/12/2016 13:04

Certainly easier given most of it is for you. Is any of it identifiable that you can return to the shops and even get a gift card for something else that you do want?

dollyollymolly · 15/12/2016 13:13

Next Christmas, I would say no presents at all. I would be very blunt about it. Just say it has got out of hand and you just don't need/want loads of 'bits'.

Could you do something like go to a show or the panto together instead? You'll remember memories more than things.

humblesims · 15/12/2016 13:52

havent RTWT but this would send me doolally. I'm sure its a control thing. Agree about re-gifting if she wont change. And tell her thats what you will do.

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 15/12/2016 13:57

I kind of get it. My mil did/does similar. I just accept it but charity shop stuff I don't want to keep. Ladt year was a massive ninja turtle castle crapola thing for 3 year old ds. I let him have it for a few days then put it in the garage, I neec to get rid! They know I hate big presents as have 4 dcs in a smallush house. Its very much a control thing.

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 15/12/2016 13:59

Agree to tell her you will be regifting. I tell pil, its helped a bit. Same as the small bits of tat. Newborn doll playing Im a barbie girl, anyone?

CozumelFox · 15/12/2016 14:51

Buying more "Space-saving furniture" is the most middle-class, Marie-Antoinette type answer I have ever see on Mumsnet XD We live in what is essentially a two-up-two-down, with one bedroom only the size of a single bed and the door-swing area, a kitchen of an oven on one side and two cupboards and counter on the other - TWO cupboards people! It is SMALL. Anyone who thinks space issues are just a lack of SHELVING has clearly never been in a properly small house. Why not just tell them to put them in the East Wing? Out in the Gardener's Quarters? Bloody hell. Storage furniture.

Actually yeah, following on from a couple of other posters, donations to the school is a good idea for some of the snazziest items. Can you imagine the clamour for tickets at your summer raffle if you've got proper sealed Lego sets on the table? Nice one :D

StickyProblem · 15/12/2016 15:12

Well said Cozumel!

Mamatallica · 15/12/2016 16:22

I feel for you OP, I hate situations like this, really don't want to seem rude or ungrateful but we have a very tiny house that's full of stuff already, we can't cope with the amount that MIL in particular seems obsessed with buying. We've explained this til we are blue in the face but I think some people just love to buy, especially for children.
On the plus side, we haven't had to buy our own shower gel for 5 years now!

MrEBear · 15/12/2016 16:23

Cozumell I have to agree with your comments on "space saving furniture". Truthfully it doesn't matter what size of house you have everybody has to hit saturation point at some stage.

OptimisticSix · 15/12/2016 16:29

I think she has a compulsive issue as well and if she does this with you she probably does similar with everyone.... honestly if you've tried to nicely stop her and she's not I'd leave it and tell the children they can sell/give to charity whatever they like.

GashleyCrumbTiny · 15/12/2016 16:46

Does she ever visit your house? I would select one single item (a candle - they're essentially disposable) and display it ostentatiously. Point it out to her and say how much you like it. Then say that you hate too much clutter but that one piece really went with the rest of your stuff.

May not have any impact but her response might help work out whether it's a compulsive shopping issue or an attempt to control and dominate you. (Although the imbalance of gifts suggests it might be the latter. )

overthehillandroundthemountain · 15/12/2016 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katy07 · 15/12/2016 17:48

Would a clear email, in September, saying 'it's so kind and thoughtful of you to get us all these lovely presents, but we'd like to keep the spend to £20 as agreed so we can save up for [whatever], and it makes us feel embarrassed and awkward to get so much in return. Please can we both agree to stick to the agreed limit this year? Lots of love' etc etc.
This, with the bit about it making you feel embarrassed etc. underlined.
Having said this I used to go overboard with present buying but it never occurred to me at the time that it was OTT, and with one friend it was seriously overboard. Not because of oneupmanship or anything like that, I just enjoyed making people happy (not that it necessarily did) and also I think (with hindsight) it might have been an Asperger's taking things literally sort of situation - I'd ask what people wanted for Christmas, want them to provide specific details, and then when they gave me a list (as requested) I'd buy everything on it Confused It didn't seem to occur to me that I should pick a couple of items. No-one said anything so I carried on.
Not that I'm saying that this is the problem here because they have been told, but just bear in mind that sometimes people do things for weird or no obvious reason rather than why you might think.

FestiveBiscuits · 15/12/2016 18:07

But it isn't kind or thoughtful and so far they aren't getting it. They need telling straight.

Roussette · 15/12/2016 18:26

I don't think it's kind and thoughtful to keep doing something when you've been asked not to.

It's irritating, stressful and weird.

balence49 · 15/12/2016 18:59

Dh sister used to do this. Little to no contact all year, certainly none with the children. But then Christmas would come and a txt to say pop round. Then a bloody car full, hundreds of pounds, like 300 per child. Our budget is 150 per child, for our own children...

It was embarrassing and clearly not about the kids as none of it was anything they would like/want. Repeatedly asked to stop. No notice taken.
Anyway she turned out to be a complete nutter in other ways too so totally no contact now. Relieved that this Christmas there won't be literally a room full of stuff.

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