To find these gifts awkward and embarrassing?

[HardLightHologram]

Every year we make a point of saying we don't want much for Christmas for us or the kids. We firmly say we are sticking to a £20pp budget and would appreciate if they did too. We make lots of noise about decluttering and what a lot of stuff we've got, how the kids have gadgets and toys coming out of their ears.

And then every year without fail we hand over a single bag of gifts to SiL and BIL and they fill our car up in return. This year it is FIVE bin bag size bags of presents. A bag full each.

It is equal to the amount we've bought the kids. Totally over budget and completely unnecessary.

I struggle with this every year because what can you do? We've tried everything we can think of. We've even said firmly that we don't want this much stuff and that they arent sticking to the budget. BiL is adamant that SiL is just an amazing shopper and finds bargains. This just isn't true. It's all brand new branded stuff. Lego sets etc, which I know are rarely reduced by much. Current clothes from shops I shop in, not sale stuff.

I find it awkward, embarrassing and tbf a bit controlling.

I refuse to compete, so our gifts look pathetic in comparison.

Please, if anyone has any fresh ideas how to stop this I'd be so so grateful. Short of dumping it all back on her doorstep I am stuck.

And I know how weird and ungrateful this sounds but its suffocating me.

(Also you have probably read this thread before as I think I post a version of it every year).

Please help me.

It sounds as though SIL has a serious problem with spending. An addiction maybe. If BIL genuinely believes that SIL is spending just £20 per person on a bin bag full of gifts each, then he must be being lied to (either that or being a bit dim - maybe both).

I would be concerned that, if SIL is spending this amount of money on other people's DCs - and people who she knows would rather have just one small gift each - then how much is she spending on herself, her DH, her DC, PILs, friends etc. etc. etc.

I know it's completely SIL & BIL's business but this consistent level of spending without the income to support it rarely ends happily.

Even very wealthy people who could easily afford £200 per person, will generally respect a request for a £20 budget or for one gift only.

If there are no addiction issues here, I don't understand why anyone would carry on doing this. Not to this extent. As a PP said, pushing a £20 budget to £30 because you saw something you knew the recipient would love is one thing (FWIW I would consider that to be fine). This is something entirely different isn't it .

It's a good thing she's given you them before Christmas day, as that means you can donate them to those collection points you see in supermarkets. You don't have to keep them until after Christmas, and if you pass them on before then you'll brighten someone else's Christmas. Or you could sell them on eBay while there's still time before Christmas.

Somehow I don't think anything you say will change your in-laws' behaviour. I'm sure your feelings will already be plain to anyone with ordinary social skills, so they are ignoring you rather than not understanding. So I would do as pps have suggested - give most of it away, and tell them you've done it. Repeat as necessary.

Don't carry stuff on the bus. Bin them. It's a waste of money but not your time and energy.

You can't change how they feel about it, but you can change how you feel about it. Adopt a "meh" attitude, get rid of stuff you don't want and feel a lot happier.

I'm with you OP and there are often threads like this at Christmas. And there are always people who will say "they're just lovely and generous and you're ungrateful" but the fact is I think some people (quite a lot of people actually) really do use present-giving as a form of control.

I have them in my family too and I grew up with it, and I think it's about them trying to control how you see them and trying to be the better person on paper at least, so no one can complain about them because they are "lovely and generous". I've had family members get extremely angry with me for trying to reduce present-giving and on some occasions try to sneakily leave presents I don't want in my house, so they'll have left and then I can't get annoyed with them. It's madness. They have completely bypassed the notion that presents should be for the recipient and should aim to make them happy. These people give excessive presents to meet a need in themselves, and use you as a way to do it. I hate it (and I have never even had it as bad as you - five sacks, FFS!)

It's not just the controlling behaviour, it's the waste and IMO, also the fact that too many presents makes presents less meaningful and exciting. It just becomes pointless and oppressive.

I would write or email rather than talk to her, and say: I have tried to explain to you that I do not like the excess of presents and it does not make us happy. I can't stop you giving us them but I want you to know that we will only accept one present per child/person and the rest will go to charity.

Then do it - every year (start this year) open all the presents yourself, choose one per child of an equivalent value to what you spent, wrap that one up, charity shop the rest (or donate to a women's refuge, hospital, nursery etc.). Send SIL a note thanking her for the presents you kept, and letting her know who else benefitted from her generosity,

That way you don't make her stop but you take back control of what she's trying to do. You enable her to shop for charity, but not to have an emotional impact on you –apart from it will take you a few hours, but worth it and I'd predict when she realises she's not able to control you this way, it will get better.

You know what, my kids don't get loads of presents at Christmas (after I put my foot down and caused a massive fuss!) – maybe 5 from me and ex, a further 5 or so from family plus a stocking. And they still love Christmas and have a fab time and don't seem to feel they're missing out. My 6yo is beyond excited. Excessive presents is totally unnecessary.

And now to answer your question..... other than physically refusing to take the gifts home with you, or totting up the true value of the gifts and presenting it to BIL (assuming he is some way in the dark on this) so that he can maybe do something about it, I've no idea how to stop it .

Yes, exactly. I've spent a bit more in my brother and sister than usual as in both cases I saw something I knew they'd love.

But sil is spending god knows how much on random stuff that we don't even want.

I know this is pathetic but I'm actually staying in my bedroom today as I don't want to walk past the present bags. It's triggered some awful anxiety.

Oh OP I actually know that anxious feeling - and IME it's the feeling of being bullied and controlled and not listened to that causes it.

Are you at home and do you have the time now? If so, make yourself a cuppa, take a deep breath and do it. Sort through it, select 1 present each, bag up for charity, find a place willing to take it, and deliver with a big smile. You will be getting that anxiety-causing pile of tat out of your face and you'll feel so much better. for you.

Your making a big deal from nothing, she doesn't call the shots, how strange to even suggest that!

She is just giving gifts, so what if it's more than anyone else gives, why does that bother you.

Sounds like your the problem and you have let this bug you somehow. Take the gifts with a smile and give them to charity. It's not hard!!

Sit down talks and look her in the eye......pfft mountain out a mole hill, where do you all get your energy from?

Purpledaisy - the op hasn't said they are gifts she doesn't want - its the volume she's complaining about!

Sarahnova - no worries. As it happens my mother died nearly 3 years ago, and a small shameful part of me is glad that I won't ever have to deal with her being passive aggressive and controlling towards my kids, because I would have had to stand up for myself at that point. Therefore one of my aims in life is to comport myself in such a way that my kids are sad when I die rather than ever so slightly relieved

I am always impressed by how assertive people seem to be on here. I am sure that a large number are keyboard warriors, but some of the posters telling the stories are consistent enough to be both real and inspirational!

To those saying its just people liking to give etc - do you not see the potential for young DC to get very grabby? That was my main issue.

I can quite understand OP that it's making you anxious. Surely all the pps on here who say what's the problem, it's horrible to feel like you are not being listened to.

It's like you speak and your SIL just dismisses you and what you want. Who likes that ? Giving and receiving should be a two way thing

Can I just say, when you donate items to a refuge, you can't deliver them there yourself, as the address needs to be kept confidential for the resident's safety. What will happen is a representative will come and collect donations from your home, which could be massively helpful for the OP. They need toys and games all the time, for children who sometimes arrive with nothing other than what they are wearing. I found this out from a lady who came to take a bag of baby clothes away from me.

The problem buying is a hard thing to crack if even BIL won't be persuaded to deal with it. I think this year pick out one gift each from the bags, sell some and either give the money to the kids or their bank accounts, or use for a treat; and donate the rest.

After New Year you can tackle it. BIL is the only one who can tell her whether they can afford that level of spending. If it's just the buying of the gifts that pleases her, suggest that she buys to donate to various charities, she gets the thrill of wrapping the gifts as well. I'm sure there'll be a charity somewhere who would love to have her on board.

I know this is pathetic but I'm actually staying in my bedroom today as I don't want to walk past the present bags. It's triggered some awful anxiety.

You could honestly just put them out on the kerb right now (assuming you live in a relatively built up area and not the depths of the country). Stick out a sign saying 'help yourself' and people will. I do this all the time when I am short of time and opportunity to donate stuff.

If it is weighing on you this much you can do something right now. You are not obligated to this stuff, it didn't cost you money that you're losing, so you can just let it all go and be free of it.

Don't feel guilty, or like you've somehow wasted her money by getting rid of the presents.

She spent that money - it's gone.

You are passing the items along to people who will enjoy and appreciate them.

Depending on how resilient you're feeling, open a corner of each one and make a note of its identity. Keep one present for each child and then dispose of the rest however you see fit. Then if SIL mentions 'random item', you will know she's talking about a present; this will help you as you won't already be mid-fluster when explaining that you gave them away.

BIL is clearly obvious to how much money is being spent / wasted. I wonder if adding up the value would help him see the issue?

I can't decide if your SIL is just buying lots, bargain hunting, pound shop tat, stealing, regifting, getting into debt or what but something just doesn't seem right.

I would also suggest that you say No to adult gifts next year. Blame finances, space prefer to pick own things.
Another option is to ask for gift vouchers, cinema, day out or something that means the kids get to pick things they want.

As for this year and dealing with the stuff in your hall, go through the bags of stuff for you and DH today and decide what to keep and rewrap it. The stuff you don't want donate, return to shops at the weekend or when DH is available with his car. Some charity's can collect stuff too.

The kids bags are more problematic. I can't decide if you should or shouldn't go through them now. I guess it depends on what sort of stuff she tends to give them. If its lots of stuff that never sees the light of day but kids are reluctant to part with once they have it. I'd go through and remove some of it. If it tends to be stuff that will be used let them decide between Christmas and New Year if there's anything they want to donate / return / sell.

I have few qualms about returning stuff to shops. Most shops will give you a voucher even if you don't have a receipt. The biggest problem is is the item has gone on sale you will only get the sale value for it, esp Next where stuff goes half price on boxing day.

Op, is there anyone who can come round and help you with the bags? Would it make it easier if they could just select one gift for each of you and take the rest away?

If it causes this level of distress I think it's time to call it quits on exchanging gifts, say that you will buy one gift for each of you on their behalf (even if this amounts to just giving each DC some cash) and they can do whatever for themselves.

My DM did this to her sisters kids when they were growing up - she joyed in calling it the 'crap sack' each. How my aunt never rained her is beyond me. It came from a deprived childhood where quantity = love, but later moved into more controlling type behaviour.

She is still obsessive about 'bargain' presents from eBay / China only costing pence. The reason she doesn't do this with DD is tough love, and Making a point of regifting to charity collections in front of her.

Honestly, if it's causing you so much anxiety that you are unable to leave your bedroom right now something needs to be done about it.

I just can't imagine why your husband who knows how this affects you would bring the bags home and just leave them in the hall?

I know in his position DH would either refuse to take more than one gift or drive straight to a charity shop on the way home.

Is she a secret shoplifter? I can't imagine having that much spare money. My MIL was like this and when we complained we didn't have room for stuff she took to saying she had bought a bag/box to store it in because that obviously didn't take up any space. So one year DH lost it and told her we were buying her an elephant for Christmas, she looked confused and he said elephants are lovely and it can live in your garden. She said she didn't have room for an elephant. Husband replied that it was OK as he had ordered a big box for it to live in. It was funny watching her face as they penny dropped. She didn't stop completely but she was a little more restrained after that.

Oh, this would really annoy me.

Is it possible to do a wholesale shifting of the 'rules'? Now that this Christmas is done, early next year sit down with them and do a 'we've been thinking about how we do gifts, and we'd like to do gifts for kids only this year, and limit it to one item only - ours have just way too much stuff and so much of it is never used. If you'd really like to get us something, it would mean the world if you'd make a donation to [you pet charity/charity shop that will suddenly have much less stock if your SIL is keeps buying at her current rate.'

My siblings and I agreed years ago that we wouldn't do gifts for each other, just each other's kids. It works brilliantly.

Some people have suggested donating wrapped presents. I think that's tricky because the kids should be involved in donating too. But if you do this you'll need to put a clear sign on them saying "present for 7 year old girl" or similar.

I'm not a fan of gendered toy assignments but this is the best way to donate to a children's Christmas charity without knowing what's inside a wrapped present.

Apologies if this has been suggested already or if you have responded to the same already OP, but can you just say no more presents. At all. Next year, a complete ban - you won't give to them, they won't give to you. You can spend the money you'd normally spend on them on an extra gift for your DCs, and vice versa.

Open them all now, chose one each to keep-put under the tree. Then donate some and sell others. You might get enough for the thing your ds wants. Any you will get better prices if you get it listed now on a 24 hour auction or buy it now.

I've just sorted through and now I feel even worse. The vast bulk of it is for me. Dh has three small wrapped gifts, Dd has a normal sized gift bag of bits, the boys have three or four wrapped presents. I have a huge huge gift bag. I've peeked and it's all 'clutter'. Candles, wall plaques, ornaments, that kind of thing.

I like to have a few precious things on display. Her house (and garden) is full of generic candles and knick knacks. It's like she's imposing her way of home decorating on me.

I've stuck it all in the study and I will deal with it after Christmas. I have said, repeatedly, by text and in person, that I don't want or like lots of dust gathering bits around the house.

I think this year I'm actually going to hand stuff back. She loves it, I don't. So she can have it.

Or promote the idea of all taking your collective children to a pantomime and a pizza afterwards? You could all chip in to pay instead of presents?
I imagine you'd have to be very persuasive to get sil on board though..

If you asked your dc what they received last year from auntie and uncle, I'm willing to bet they'd struggle to name one or two toys. Whereas a fun family trip to a show/ riding on a Christmas train/ ice skating would be an experience they'd remember.