DD's teacher should have thought about parents before saying this!

[runningLou]

DD(9) is a bit of a drama queen and has anxiety issues, which I am working at addressing. She feels very strongly about me coming to school events, which I can normally do as work part time, 3 days. Got letter from school about Christmas shows. Choice of 2 performances for both DD and DS. Sent form back to school for tickets and arranged with work to leave early for DD's this week and DS's next. Get to school yesterday afternoon for DD's show. Usual stuff, a bit amateur but everyone having fun. DD's form were meant to be doing a dance, she's been practising at home for ages ... On the day, music doesn't work (technical glitch with sound system), teacher gets them to dance anyway, all looks fine, if a bit ragged and out of sync.
Pick up DD at end of school and tell her show was great, loved her singing, shame about the music etc. She says her teacher has told them to think of the show as a 'dress rehearsal' for the 'real thing' next week, and asks if I can come along then. Apparently the teacher said only a few parents were there (the hall was full! My DM and 2 DSis were there too!) Obviously I can't, and am also having to take a day's annual leave to attend an end of term work showcase in her classroom on Friday.
DD quite rightly takes teacher's word as law and is very upset I didn't see the proper version of the show. She's been upset since. I know nerves are frazzled at the end of term etc but I think the teacher should have acknowledged that there were parents watching yesterday and surely it's a better life lesson to congratulate the class for doing well despite the tech problems?

YANBU, the teacher was in the wrong. She lied. It was not a dress rehearasal or any kind ofehearsal, it was the real thing and what she could hvae said was 'you did a good job under the circumstances.'

I would point this out to the teacher.

Yes, they are human and make mistakes, like the technical music glitch, but lying to the kids isn't fair.

Join if you can't think of anything (at all) to say just don't bother posting.

Completely agree with toastymarshmallow it is really boring and annoying for those who have children who suffer anxiety, are nervous, are very shy or very emotional etc etc to be told this is your fault as a parent and you have encouraged it. Most parents try to do their best for their kids and once we recognize shyness/anxiety/whatever do our best to help our kids and not encourage their 'difficulties'.

Crumbs where are the parental anxieties here?

Ghost it is none of my business but when they are older, 11, 12, 13 upwards they will not (probably) care so much when mum/dad are around, although they may still want to showcase the things they have spent ages working on. Please do not wait until your child has a bigger part in her play, or whatever, to support her by watching her perform.

crashdoll, you do not see what the teacher did? She lied, she told the kids that the performance the OP had taken time off work to see was " a 'dress rehearsal' for the 'real thing' next week," and because of that the child now thinks this is true, which was not the case, so expects her mum to take more time off work to see 'the real thing'.

I am so tired of all the people who keep on coming on to defend teachers all the time. I have always attended all of my kids performances wherever I can, I have supported the school through negative Ofsted, schools fair, change of head, you name it, I was there with cards, or chocolates (as part of a support group) or thank yous (many times). BUT sometimes teachers make mistakes and it is annoying and frustrating and we parents want to talk about it, and maybe see if we are being unreasonable.

Really if teaching is so unpleasant why do teachers do it? Presumably because they get paid and they enjoy it (sometimes). They cannot be off limits for comments, when justified.

Be breezy and matter-of-fact, you loved it and can't come again. End of story.

I find this works with my children who can be very anxious - be matter of fact and firm - as long as they know what to expect they are usually okay.

First primary school was very good reconsigning that parents worked and couldn't come to everything - current one is a bit more of a nightmare.

Current school has cancelled things an hour before they are due to start and rearranged few days after or the next week and expect all the parents to still be able to attend - plus I've had nasty comments about fact I can''t instantly teleport to the school - even if I start from home instantly it will still take time to get there. Plus they give dates and time late and seem to be surprised children do activities outside of school that might clash with late evening events.

I don't get why this is as a large part of the staff are working parents and have an equally high number of working parents as last school. I can only put it down to a different attitude - last school very much felt as if we were in partnership over our children's education this one has a more us and them vibe.

I wouldn't be annoyed with the teacher as such - expect it was an off the cuff remark and you just point out the teacher doesn't know your personal situation.

I am so tired of all the people who keep on coming on to defend teachers all the time.

It's AIBU - there are two sides to nearly every thread. And no-one is defending teachers exclusively - in this situation they are because the OP is being over sensitive.

Really if teaching is so unpleasant why do teachers do it?

Teaching is brilliant. Info it because I believe every child is entitled to access education and fulfil their potential.

Some parents are unpleasant, as in all walks of life.

Bake "You really are making a fuss about nothing." Do you not see it is the DD who is making a fuss? Do you not see the parent doesn't want to take more time off work but the chidl wants her to. How is this the parent's fault?

Ghost hopefully the school will be accommodating of little ones because lots of others will be in the same boat. I do know it is hard, you do have a good reason. I used to take things like 'quiet' food (e/g/ not noisy crisps!) and just let my little one graze on cucumber batons, raisins, etc etc and that kept him quiet for a short performance.

Believeitornot "Sometimes our children's behaviour is a reflection of ours as parents." and sometimes not. Don't you think parents of anxious children get this thrown at them, a lot! And if it really is true don't you see not being anxious as an adult is almost as hard as not being anxious as a child? But in this case I do not see the parent as being anxious here at all. But I do agree with the rest of your advice about managing the anxiety.

YANBU, the teacher was in the wrong. She lied.

Yep. You can't declare a performance a 'dress rehearsal' in parenthesis just because it was shit.

The teacher needs to learn from this and make sure she rehearses better next year.

trifle just as you might see some parents as not very nice or over sensitive, that is just how I feel about teachers (and agree some parents are like that too!). Some good some bad, some making mistakes etc. But teachers are in a position of power and children do take what they say seriously.

The difference here is the teachers comments to the DD have affected the parent, the parents comments (on here) have not affected the teacher. Maybe the teacher did not realise lying would have a consequence. I think the parent should tell the teacher, just nicely, so the teacher knows. I work with students. If I lied to them I would get in trouble. I used to work in a hospital where I was asked to lie to patients (a much bigger lie - I chose not to).

I don't know why people keep needing to defend teachers. Most of us respect teachers, support schools, etc etc. But it does not mean that every single comment is OK.

Or what ManonLescaut said more succinctly than I !!!

She said think of it like a dress rehearsal she never said it was. Surely it was just a throwaway comment to reassure those who were upset at th fact performance went wrong. She probably could have handled it better but given the circumstances she did the best she could.

I think you are getting a hard time here, ghost. Don't go if you can't make it this time. It isn't like you are not going to anything she does. I don't think it is a bad lesson for kids to learn that sometimes you have to take part in stuff for other people, not just because there is someone there watching you.

I'm not attacking or defending teachers in general - DH is a teacher, I hear A LOT of nightmare parents stories at home and I am moaning on here rather than in front of the teacher, or DD for that matter - to her I have kept saying 'well I thought you were excellent the other day. I loved your performance'. I will not be taking extra time off work next week.
But, I do feel this particular teacher could have dealt with this situation in a different way without invalidating one of the performances, which lots of parents attended.
DD's latest (and yes, she may be exaggerating, but she doesn't normally invent stuff) is that her teacher said they have to practise all the songs this week to improve for next time as the previous performance was 'abysmal' (fairly sure this is the teacher's word and not DD's!). Surely being that negative can't be right.

I work very hard at not fuelling DD's anxiety. It's really difficult sometimes, especially at the end of term when she is over-tired. That's why I decided to vent on here rather than indulging in teacher blaming in DD's hearing.

I think if your dd has anxiety issues you should be modelling being robust about issues you/she cannot control - like this one.

Stop over analysing, you will not be helping your dd.

Italiangreyhound: No-one is saying every single comment is okay. But the expectation that teachers need to be hauled over the coals every time they make a comment someone isn't 100% happy with is the problem here. This comment was so innocent and said (presumably) with no negative intent whatsoever. The OP admits her DD is anxious and overly so - obviously not the child's fault but the teacher can't be expected to predict it every time she overreacts. And the OP is only encouraging it, as well as being quite critical of someone who has put in a lot of time and effort to do something nice with her child.

I just think save the critique for when it's important, you know? Or people will think you're just a bit of a drama queen.

I think the teacher had a serious error of judgement by declaring it a dress rehearsal. Your DD does also need to realise you can't attend everything.
I'd be interested to know when they are going to fit in the 'real' performance, our school day is planned to the nth degree until the end of term. It would be impossible to just do another performance!

think the teacher had a serious error of judgement by declaring it a dress rehearsal.

There are lots of serious errors of judgement made by teachers. Not following safeguarding procedures, not intervening when a child is struggling, not correcting poor teaching.

Not this. This is a non-event.

This is a non-event

abso-bloody-lutely

Yes OP it would have been better if the teacher had said what you'd suggested.

However teachers like all of us don't say the perfect thing every time and what she said was well intentioned even if she didn't think through all the consequences. Really not a huge error.

I agree with PP that your DD is going to have to learn that things don't always work out perfectly, rather than everyone else learning to always say/do the right thing...

I think its perfectly reasonable to suggest a less than perfect performance can be a good way to sharpen up for the next one.

Big deal, you ended up at the dress rehearsal. Honestly stop it.

But the expectation that teachers need to be hauled over the coals every time they make a comment someone isn't 100% happy with is the problem here. This comment was so innocent and said (presumably) with no negative intent whatsoever

No it's not. The teacher produced a rubbish show and then lied about it.
Both are completely unprofessional.

The fact that it's not a child safety issue is irrelevant. It's not ok.

There are lots of serious errors of judgement made by teachers. Not following safeguarding procedures, not intervening when a child is struggling, not correcting poor teaching.

Not this. This is a non-event.

Totally agree with you, error of judgement but nothing really in the scheme of things. I reckon her mouth engaged before her brain.
Shouldn't be a hoo ha about it though.

Usually the afternoon performance is 'abysmal' because that performance is not interrupted by the teacher saying 'We need to go over that bit again' or the children are disconcerted by wearing costumes or seeing their parents or someone's off sick... The list is endless. Maybe teachers shouldn't put these performances on if it causes such angst.

Our primary does one day - one dress rehearsal in the afternoon for toddlers and babies and one evening performance with no preschoolers allowed. No tickets, its a big church and a small school!

Anyone else seeing the irony in the OP being told that she can't go to every event, but ghost being mauled because she doesn't go to every event!

You just can't win on mn

I think ghosts reasoning that her dd was only dancing in a big crowd was the bit people took umbrage with.

I know my dd would have been gutted if I hadn't gone to see her being a sheep in a crowd of sheep.