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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's teacher should have thought about parents before saying this!

134 replies

runningLou · 13/12/2016 23:00

DD(9) is a bit of a drama queen and has anxiety issues, which I am working at addressing. She feels very strongly about me coming to school events, which I can normally do as work part time, 3 days. Got letter from school about Christmas shows. Choice of 2 performances for both DD and DS. Sent form back to school for tickets and arranged with work to leave early for DD's this week and DS's next. Get to school yesterday afternoon for DD's show. Usual stuff, a bit amateur but everyone having fun. DD's form were meant to be doing a dance, she's been practising at home for ages ... On the day, music doesn't work (technical glitch with sound system), teacher gets them to dance anyway, all looks fine, if a bit ragged and out of sync.
Pick up DD at end of school and tell her show was great, loved her singing, shame about the music etc. She says her teacher has told them to think of the show as a 'dress rehearsal' for the 'real thing' next week, and asks if I can come along then. Apparently the teacher said only a few parents were there (the hall was full! My DM and 2 DSis were there too!) Obviously I can't, and am also having to take a day's annual leave to attend an end of term work showcase in her classroom on Friday.
DD quite rightly takes teacher's word as law and is very upset I didn't see the proper version of the show. She's been upset since. I know nerves are frazzled at the end of term etc but I think the teacher should have acknowledged that there were parents watching yesterday and surely it's a better life lesson to congratulate the class for doing well despite the tech problems?

OP posts:
sirfredfredgeorge · 14/12/2016 08:03

There's nothing to blame the teacher for. End of.

But it was a bit amateur

pklme · 14/12/2016 08:12

Ghost does have a reason, two little ones. Depending on the culture of the school that can be really hard to manage. And if child free time is as rare as hen's teeth, as it was for me, she may need to save it up for dentist emergencies, smears etc!

Op, it's hard for teachers to hit the right note with each of the 30 in the class. In reassuring one very upset child that it is ok the performance didn't go to plan, she has upset another. It is inevitable. If only she could plan an answer to every question and check it for unintended consequences... But she actually answers on the hop, while tying someone's shoes, and comforting someone whose granny died last night.

DianaMitford · 14/12/2016 08:17

Ghost - I totally understand! Sometimes the reality of going means that it's just too difficult. I think you've had some really unfair comments on here.
I think you've made the right decision for all of your children. There will be hundreds of school events for you to attend for her over the years!

BakeOffBiscuits · 14/12/2016 08:29

Just tell her that for the teacher it may have been a "dress rehearsal" but you don't need to see next weeks as it was "the real thing".

You really are making a fuss about nothing. The teacher was probably trying to make the DC feel ok about it all going wrong.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 14/12/2016 08:30

At 9 she is old enough to understand. You've added to her anxiety by fulfilling every whim. Time to explain why you won't be at the next one. Good luck.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 14/12/2016 08:38

Ghost was the one who said she didn't have a reason not to go. Only when people pointed out how horrible this was did she then say anything about having a baby and a toddler. I'm not sure how you are so convinced you would all need to stand though. Toddler on knee, baby in sling. You said it's only an hour. You may be put out and it may be 'difficult' but surely that's part of being a parent. I just can't get my head around that at all.

JustSpeakSense · 14/12/2016 08:39

She needs to understand that you organised time off and came to the show, you have seen it now.

The music didn't work, so what, shit happens. Sometimes life doesn't always work out the way we hoped.

At 9 she should understand this and appreciate that you came. Definitely don't pander to her, this will feed her tendency to be a 'drama queen'.

ghostspirit · 14/12/2016 08:50

Yep and I'm sure the toddler will sit still on my knee he won't struggle or anything I'm sure none of them will play up.

To be honest I don't have to give a reason Dd is not a snow flake. Some things I go to some i don't.

BastardGoDarkly · 14/12/2016 08:54

Obviously it's up to you Ghost but many of us have done the hassle of toddlers and babies at older kids shows, it's a PITA but we do it because it's important to the kids, they're not snowflakes if they want to look out and see a face they know.

Floralnomad · 14/12/2016 08:54

OP , can a relative go to the performance next week ? I can't see that the teacher did anything wrong and eventually your DD does need to understand that not everything will be how she would want it to be .
ghost , how to make your 6 yo feel less important than her siblings , just because she says she doesn't mind that's not necessarily true ,I think most DC would prefer a parent to show up if they can .

ghostspirit · 14/12/2016 09:03

I know my Dd. She understands some times I go sometimes not. With my now older kids when I was not working in went to everything. Trips shows all the get together and stuff. When I could not go they were quite upset. My kids who are now roughly of that age understand its a mix sometime in can sometimes not. There will be many parents not there who are working. Yes people need to work. But in kids eyes it's the same thing still = mum is not there. By the way I'm.not saying working mums should feel bad. I'm just saying sometimes mum can't be there.

BastardGoDarkly · 14/12/2016 09:11

Yes, and I've had to miss some things because I'm working, that's life, but if I can go I do, even when I'd rather not, I hated every stay and play with a passion, but I'd never want to lie and say I'm working if I'm not, and I'd also never want to say I just don't want to go.

itsmine · 14/12/2016 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressMerryWeather · 14/12/2016 09:14

Oh please go, Ghost.

We can then look forward to the AIBU thread about the woman whose screaming baby and fed up toddler ruined their DC's play. :o

You can't win on here sometimes.

itsmine · 14/12/2016 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 14/12/2016 09:22

ghost my parents both worked and never attended a single performance, sports day etc. I just accepted it as normal for my family. Children seem to be put on a pedestal these days by some parents and it does them no favours to think the world revolves around them.

atticusclaw2 · 14/12/2016 09:24

OP I agree with the others. You are fuelling her "anxiety" by giving time to this. She is 9. It is perfectly old enough to understand that you can't come to everything. I have a 9YO and an 11YO both of whom place great emphasis on what the teacher says to them but I'm not sure how that is relevant in this situation. The issue here is not whether it was to be treated as a dress rehearsal, the issue is your DD having an understanding of the commitments and restrictions of work and how she can't always have you at everything. If she's upset then that's a shame but she will get over it and you can help her by making her understand that it is not a big deal. Pandering to her "upset" won't assist.

harderandharder2breathe · 14/12/2016 09:25

The teacher did and said nothing wrong

As an anxious person myself with a sibling who was very anxious in childhood, the more you go over stuff the worse it gets. A brisk "well I think it was the real thing anyway! No darling, I can't go next week, I have to work, but I'm coming to your showcase on Friday remember?"

Gazelda · 14/12/2016 09:25

Ghost I know you've got a real juggling act going on at the moment. But my DM was like you - she often didn't come to my performances. But she went to my siblings'. Now there may be very good reasons she did that, and I tried to let her know it didn't matter to me. But inside me I 'knew' that I wasn't as important as my siblings, else she'd have tried to make the effort to come to mine.
If there's a good logistical reason for not making it, then a 6yo should generally be able to accept that. But I think it's asking a lot for her to understand that a parent can't come because it'll be tricky with the little ones (but you'd have managed if she'd had a bigger part).

ManonLescaut · 14/12/2016 09:28

I'm still chuckling at the OP's, "it was a bit amateur" comment! What on earth were you expecting OP?!

Something good? My children's Christmas shows are really professional. The whole thing was a cock up and the teacher's fault. And the teacher dumbly tried to pretend it was a 'dress rehearsal', which will have implications for other parents not just the OP.

I would just be really honest OP, given that your daugther's 9, that the teacher messed up and trying to cover up their mistakes and that's not a good way to approach life.

MsJudgemental · 14/12/2016 09:32

What crumbs said.

Believeitornot · 14/12/2016 09:34

Sometimes our children's behaviour is a reflection of ours as parents.

Her anxiety has probably come from somewhere.

You call her a drama queen which isn't very nice. How do you react when she gets anxious?

I would suggest the best thing to do is acknowledge her feelings then help her to see that there is a solution. We all get scared, worried and nervous - the key is how we manage those feelings and respond.

In this case, I would have said to my dd, "I know you feel sad etc that I won't be there. I've got to go to work and I was there today. Your teacher may have said that because she wanted children to have another chance. You'll do great and it will be nice for other mummies and daddies to see their children".

She will get upset and you can comfort her. Help her deal with and express her emotions, but you don't always have to do something about them.

JustSpeakSense · 14/12/2016 09:35

I attended every single play and sports day etc. Because I didn't want to miss out on a single moment, not because I held my DC on a pedestal. They enjoyed having me there but not as much as I enjoyed going.

They are teens now, and I am really glad I didn't miss out, because the opportunities to participate in their school life is much less in high school.

ghostspirit · 14/12/2016 09:42

I have not told Dd I can't go because of her siblings Confused... since September I have been to both of the kids exerbition days and their parents evenings.

I like how it's a mix it works for us this way they are not exspecting me to go.

Trifleorbust · 14/12/2016 09:44

How do people find the time and energy to analyse every comment made by teachers? Honestly, sometimes I think people look for reasons to resent teachers because they spend so much time with their children and occupy a position of authority, making some very sensitive parents feel a bit threatened. I don't know how else to explain the massive over-reactions to every little event that get posted here daily.