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Original poster

Advice needed re NRP wanting contact after 12 years :(

119 replies

cars254 · 13/12/2016 22:31

Hi all,

Apologies if this is in the wrong place but I am sick of Google and need some advice from real live people.

By way of background, I have a DD aged 12. Conceived by fluke with someone who I later realised was not sent down from heaven in a golden box, it's been me and her from day 1. He was all for termination at 25 weeks which should give you all an idea of the type of person he is. He's never seen her, denied all knowledge of her to everyone and anyone. CSA have been involved from when DD was about 6mo, and I've had payments somewhat consistently since then. He is not on the birth certificate and has no parental responsibility. He refused to acknowledge she was born. He has two other children, who he fought to see when he split up from his wife - leaving her when the youngest was 6 weeks old.

We've had periodic exchanges over the years, mainly when the CSA had recalculated his maintenance and involved him only mentioning money and how much of a hardship it was for him.

I have been with my DH for six years, married for 1. We have two LOs who my DD adores. She calls my DH "Dad" and has for about two/three years now. A few weeks ago she asked him, totally off her own back, if he would adopt her because "she didn't want to be a loser with no father on her birth certificate anymore". That broke my heart. DH told her that if that's what she wanted, we would do it; but it makes no difference to him as we changed her name by deed poll anyway so she's the same as us.

Ok so background out of the way - today, i called the CSA to chase payment: they said he'd left his employment. I messaged him to tell him to get in touch with them. He responded offering a direct payment. I told him that from January I would be discontinuing the claim as she has requested that DH adopt her. I said I assumed there would be no objections. His reply was "I will object, I want to meet her and start a relationship with her."

Please someone tell me he doesn't have a leg to stand on?? Given that he doesn't have parental responsibility I don't have to let him see her do I?

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 13/12/2016 22:35

Unfortunately, he has the right to pursue contact. Despite him not being on the birth certificate, he could request a DNA test no be granted access. Tricky.

TeenAndTween · 13/12/2016 22:38

He may not have 'parental responsibility' but you and he have acknowledged he is the birth father by the CSA payments.

If he is serious about contact (and I fully accept he may not be), it may be in your DD's best interests to let her form some kind of relationship with her birth dad.

Or not. But don't dismiss it out of hand.

(Adopter. Where these days there is often an expectation of letterbox contact with birth family).

Squirmy65ghyg · 13/12/2016 22:39

Get legal advice.

At the adoption hearing what's he going to say, that's he's a dedicated parent? Twat.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/12/2016 22:41

Do you think he's just trying to wind you up??

He does have the right to pursue contact as far as I know but that is up to him to do. I wouldn't respond and would wait to see what happens. Your DD is at the age where her wishes will be taken into account

Have you sought legal advice about the adoption yet?

Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 22:42

Thanks for the replies. Maintenance and contact are two separate issues - the CSA assume he's parent because he refused DNA test (because he knew he was), but he refused to go on birth certificate so automatically he has no parental rights. I've managed to glean a little info from t'internet -

Fathers without PR can’t authorise medical treatment for their children (except in emergencies), see their medical records, manage any money they’ve inherited, or prevent their adoption or change of surname or removal abroad.

And:

A father can make an application to the court. In considering an application from a father, the court will take into account:
the degree of commitment shown by the father to his child zero so far
the degree of attachment between father and child zero
the father's reasons for applying for the order to be spiteful
A court will not unreasonably reject an application for PR, and all decisions should be based on what it considers to be in the child's best interest.

On that basis surely he's got no chance?!

OP posts:
Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 22:43

I think he is trying to wind me up yes. He's like a spoilt kid with a toy - doesn't want to play with her but won't let anyone else play.

OP posts:
Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 22:45

The thing is, he's charming. He could talk the birds down from the trees! And DD is at that age where her head could possibly be turned by his BS. And I don't want her getting hurt.

OP posts:
Osolea · 13/12/2016 22:48

Never mind all the legal stuff, if your dad is 12 and says she doesn't want to see him, I doubt any court would force her. And that's assuming he cares enough to go to court, which is unlikely seeing as he hasn't even asked if he can see your dad and has only responded in this way since you said your dh wants to adopt her.

He could object to the adoption, but once he gets over himself and realises that it will save him money, he may well not bother with that either.

ChasedByBees · 13/12/2016 22:50

Isnt your DD now old enough to choose who she spends time with? So yes he may object to an adoption which may scupper that (temporarily at least), but your DH doesn't have to be any less of a father to her.

She is now old enough to choose who she sees and if she chooses not to have a relationship with her bio dad, I'm sure that would be respected at 12.

ChasedByBees · 13/12/2016 22:52

From your post at 22.42 it doesn't sound like much of a chance, no. And whilst he may be charming, now might be the time to teach your DD that you judge people by actions rather than their promises.

Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 22:52

I suppose yes. I just think it might be a case of better the devil you know, if you know what I mean. I just want to know that I don't have to turn her over to him and if he wants anything he'll have to apply and pursue that himself. I really hope that if it got to that stage DD would figuratively give him the middle finger!

OP posts:
Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 22:55

With regards to payments though what do I do there? If the CSA carry on maintenance of the payments, and he can show I've refused an offer of direct payment, would I be sanctioned?

OP posts:
Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 22:56

Not that payments are the be all and end all but there are times when it comes in handy for things she needs Confused

OP posts:
x2boys · 13/12/2016 23:00

what does your daughter want ? at 12i imagine they take her view seiosly does she want to see bio dad?

Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 23:02

Tbh she used to ask questions about him and I just told her that he didn't want to be around so he wasn't. She hasn't mentioned him since, and I haven't mentioned this to her yet. I did however ask her before if she still wanted dad to adopt her and she said yes, very firmly. So I phoned social services earlier on and am awaiting a call back, when I'll ask their advice also.

OP posts:
x2boys · 13/12/2016 23:03

seriously.

ladylambkin · 13/12/2016 23:10

Op is it CSA or CMS you have a case with?

ladylambkin · 13/12/2016 23:12

If CMS, and you are agreeable to payments direct from him you can call them and change to direct pay and then neither or you will incur any charges for using the collection service

Lovewineandchocs · 13/12/2016 23:13

Do you think he is serious or just being disagreeable? I'd be inclined to proceed with the adoption tbh. Will he be asked for his views even though he doesn't have PR? I'd proceed, let him know you are doing so, and take it from there. If he wants to pursue a relationship with her he knows how to get in touch with you. If he's serious about it then obviously you'll have a discussion with her about what she wants. It is strange how he is only now saying he wants to meet her, just when you mention adoption Hmm it would make me think he's just doing it to wind you up tbh.

Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 23:13

It's CSA. This is the first time in 12 years he's ever offered to voluntarily pay anything.

OP posts:
ladylambkin · 13/12/2016 23:15

OK if CSA just make sure you call them to let them know each time he makes a payment directly to you so they can adjust amount from the accounts

Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 23:15

My mum, friends and DH are inclined to think it's to get a reaction out of me. Which I am also inclined to think. I am trying really hard not to go berserk at him on Facebook messenger - DH has said to just block him, but if he did end up taking it to court I wouldn't want it to look like I was deliberately obstructive if you get me.

OP posts:
Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 23:21

So do I accept the payment or not? Confused

OP posts:
x2boys · 13/12/2016 23:22

yeah i agree with your dh tbh if your dh was to adopt your daughter i think [though i may may be wrong your ex,s financial responsibilities may end?]

ladylambkin · 13/12/2016 23:22

That's entirely up to you op. If you want to leave it to CSA to collet then it's unlikely you will receive it this month

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