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Original poster

Advice needed re NRP wanting contact after 12 years :(

119 replies

cars254 · 13/12/2016 22:31

Hi all,

Apologies if this is in the wrong place but I am sick of Google and need some advice from real live people.

By way of background, I have a DD aged 12. Conceived by fluke with someone who I later realised was not sent down from heaven in a golden box, it's been me and her from day 1. He was all for termination at 25 weeks which should give you all an idea of the type of person he is. He's never seen her, denied all knowledge of her to everyone and anyone. CSA have been involved from when DD was about 6mo, and I've had payments somewhat consistently since then. He is not on the birth certificate and has no parental responsibility. He refused to acknowledge she was born. He has two other children, who he fought to see when he split up from his wife - leaving her when the youngest was 6 weeks old.

We've had periodic exchanges over the years, mainly when the CSA had recalculated his maintenance and involved him only mentioning money and how much of a hardship it was for him.

I have been with my DH for six years, married for 1. We have two LOs who my DD adores. She calls my DH "Dad" and has for about two/three years now. A few weeks ago she asked him, totally off her own back, if he would adopt her because "she didn't want to be a loser with no father on her birth certificate anymore". That broke my heart. DH told her that if that's what she wanted, we would do it; but it makes no difference to him as we changed her name by deed poll anyway so she's the same as us.

Ok so background out of the way - today, i called the CSA to chase payment: they said he'd left his employment. I messaged him to tell him to get in touch with them. He responded offering a direct payment. I told him that from January I would be discontinuing the claim as she has requested that DH adopt her. I said I assumed there would be no objections. His reply was "I will object, I want to meet her and start a relationship with her."

Please someone tell me he doesn't have a leg to stand on?? Given that he doesn't have parental responsibility I don't have to let him see her do I?

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
FrankAndBeans · 14/12/2016 10:22

I just disagree with parents thinking they can do what they want with their children's lives without consulting them. She can indeed Elspeth but if he did get his act together she would have missed out on years of bonding time. He probably won't, he sounds like a dick but the decision should be your daughters.

Original poster
cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:27

Thanks Elspeth - that's my plan, to keep her as in the dark as possible x

OP posts:
humblesims · 14/12/2016 10:27

I havent RTWT but would suggest that you just start the process of adoption and possibly drop the CSA claim . Go NC and if he demands access he can pursue it through the courts. I'm not an expert but I cant imagine he'd get far. I would make this yours and DH's decision and not your DD's but I would explain to her what happening in simple terms so that she has no cause to turn it back on you in her teenage years when she might question any lack of openness.

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 10:28

But surely the onus is on the Mum to make him prove he "got his act" together?

That he's not still a really dark influence that could emotionally harm a 12 year old?

You're suggesting Mum gives a 12 year old all the decision making about a complete stranger who has never once in 12 years shown anything but indifference and has a history of walking out on people who need him.

NNChangeAgain · 14/12/2016 10:30

I think you have created drama unnecessarily TBH - if you'd gone down the adoption route with support from a sympathetic family solicitor, they could have handled the situation in such a way that he would have been notified as a courtesy, and minimised the chance of a reaction.

As it is, you've flung it at him in conversation while making demands about CM that he may not even be liable to pay.

You know he's an unpredictable arse, yet you expected him to behave predictably and now your DD may have to experience the trauma of a family court case. From experience, I would suggest you stop expecting him to behave reasonably and plan as if he's going to be difficult - if he's not, then that's an added bonus.

FrankAndBeans · 14/12/2016 10:31

If she has no interest in who he is then she doesn't have to meet him does she? If it goes to court she will be asked her opinion anyway. It's her life, not her mothers to do what she wants with.

He's also "a really dark influence" that has still financially supported her (as he should) and been contactable.

You would really condone lying to a 12 year old? Lying and saying he had never once asked to see her?

xStefx · 14/12/2016 10:40

Is there anyway (just a thought) you can say to him that you will allow him to see her (for your daughters sake and only if she actually wants to ) but can he please allow the adoption as your husband has been an amazing dad, is worthy of the title and he should be greatful that he stepped up.

Its only a thought, your DD is 12, just warn her that she may get let down by him but that you and your husband will always be there xx

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 10:41

Frank, there is no need to lie. Merely to say "He mentioned it once, I told him to work away to organise it - he never bothered with it further"

FrankAndBeans · 14/12/2016 10:43

And if he does? OP states she still wants to do her best to keep him away from her no matter what.

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 10:43

Stef he does not have the right to "allow" anything. He cannot oppose the adoption in any way. It will happen regardless.

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 10:44

If he does, then OP can suggest a contact centre so his initial contact is supervised.

As any stranger should be supervised with a 12 year old.

FrankAndBeans · 14/12/2016 10:45

OP has already said she wouldn't do that, that she would do anything to keep them apart.

Original poster
cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:49

NNChangeAgain - you're right - I should have let the CSA deal with him, I am regretting it now. I wasn't demanding payment however, just that he update the CSA with his current situation.

FrankAndBeans - you and I are not going to see eye to eye on this so I'll just leave it there.

OP posts:
Original poster
cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:50

Stef -

OP posts:
Original poster
cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:51

Sorry posted too quick - I don't think she is emotionally mature enough to make that decision. It's tough and I don't know what to do for the best x

OP posts:
xStefx · 14/12/2016 10:54

That's fair enough, im not sure of your situation and he does sound like a dead beat. You sound like you have a lovely stable home for your daughter and sods law just as she wants to make your hubby her dad then this happens. Good luck OP, hope it all works out for your little girl x

Original poster
cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:55

Thank you XStefX - it is Sod's law indeed. Wish he'd drop off the face of the earth to be honest.

OP posts:
willconcern · 14/12/2016 11:24

I wasn't going to post, but actually I agree v strongly with Isadora and Frank.

OP, you asked for advice. I too would separate adoption & contact. Go ahead with the adoption plans, and wait & see if your ex does anything further. If he doesn't, all well & good. If he does, then your DD should have a say in whether she wants a relationship with her biological dad. She may not, in which case get legal advice and fight him. If she does want to meet him, then I think you have to respect that if you don't want her to resent you later.

Keeping her as much in the dark as possible could backfire big time if she later forges a relatiinship with him & finds out you prevented it earlier.

Isadora2007 · 14/12/2016 11:31

"Thanks Elspeth - that's my plan, to keep her as in the dark as possible"

Shock Seriously?

She is twelve, not two. I really think you are being very short sighted here and may live to regret that move.

Lovewineandchocs · 14/12/2016 11:36

I agree with willconcern I wouldn't say anything to her yet as it's very possible that what he said was just a knee-jerk reaction which he won't take any further. If you proceed with the adoption, as per your DDs wishes, he will have to be officially notified, won't he? As in, not just by you but by the council. Once he receives that notification, if he wants to pursue contact with your DD I should think he'll get in touch with you to say that. If that happens, I think then is the time to have the conversation with your DD.

Lovewineandchocs · 14/12/2016 11:38

Why do you say he knows your DD is stable and wants to mess it up? Is he a very spiteful person?

Moreisnnogedag · 14/12/2016 11:53

I'd go ahead with the adoption and see what he does. I'd second a pp and if he says he wants contact then I'd facilitate it if that's what your DD wanted but ask him to let the adoption proceed. Then he stops paying but still gets contact which is all he wants surely Hmm

I wouldn't tell a child just yet that her bio dad wants contact. If he formalises it then fine. What if he changes his mind? The daughter may have her hopes raised and then dashed for no good reason.

Original poster
cars254 · 14/12/2016 11:53

Thanks all. Yes he is spiteful. The only analogy I can think of which applies is that DD is a toy, he hasn't wanted to play with her for years but now someone else wants her, he wants to scupper it.

OP posts:
ElfOnMyShelf · 14/12/2016 11:54

In this age of Facebook, you need to be very honest and very open with her. It will be easy for him to find her / her siblings to find her. He's written asking to see her, he can screenshot and say 'your mum blocked me I wanted to be a dad'. All manipulative bull shit clearly, but if he's charming and there's a chance she will believe it. Tread carefully

Good luck op

Original poster
cars254 · 14/12/2016 11:55

Isadora - when I say keep her in the dark, I mean in the sense that I'll tell her about this as and when I need to. I understand she is 12, not two, but as her mother I believe she is not emotionally mature enough yet to deal with something she doesn't need to just now.

OP posts:
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