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Original poster

Advice needed re NRP wanting contact after 12 years :(

119 replies

cars254 · 13/12/2016 22:31

Hi all,

Apologies if this is in the wrong place but I am sick of Google and need some advice from real live people.

By way of background, I have a DD aged 12. Conceived by fluke with someone who I later realised was not sent down from heaven in a golden box, it's been me and her from day 1. He was all for termination at 25 weeks which should give you all an idea of the type of person he is. He's never seen her, denied all knowledge of her to everyone and anyone. CSA have been involved from when DD was about 6mo, and I've had payments somewhat consistently since then. He is not on the birth certificate and has no parental responsibility. He refused to acknowledge she was born. He has two other children, who he fought to see when he split up from his wife - leaving her when the youngest was 6 weeks old.

We've had periodic exchanges over the years, mainly when the CSA had recalculated his maintenance and involved him only mentioning money and how much of a hardship it was for him.

I have been with my DH for six years, married for 1. We have two LOs who my DD adores. She calls my DH "Dad" and has for about two/three years now. A few weeks ago she asked him, totally off her own back, if he would adopt her because "she didn't want to be a loser with no father on her birth certificate anymore". That broke my heart. DH told her that if that's what she wanted, we would do it; but it makes no difference to him as we changed her name by deed poll anyway so she's the same as us.

Ok so background out of the way - today, i called the CSA to chase payment: they said he'd left his employment. I messaged him to tell him to get in touch with them. He responded offering a direct payment. I told him that from January I would be discontinuing the claim as she has requested that DH adopt her. I said I assumed there would be no objections. His reply was "I will object, I want to meet her and start a relationship with her."

Please someone tell me he doesn't have a leg to stand on?? Given that he doesn't have parental responsibility I don't have to let him see her do I?

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 23:27

I was going to say something along the lines of, make payment direct this month then it can go back to the CSA. As far as the other goes, that's for you to pursue.

OP posts:
ladylambkin · 13/12/2016 23:33

Yes that sounds like a plan op

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 23:34

Thanks. Will update. Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond x

OP posts:
chitofftheshovel · 13/12/2016 23:35

RTFT. If you block him on FB/social media it won't stand against you at all as long as you have other open means of communication.

And no expert at all but I think he has no leg to stand on if he hasn't been around at all.

Just keep cool, fight fire with water and keep yourselves right.

Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 23:40

Ah, that's it - we don't. No numbers exchanged, he doesn't know where we live and vice versa 😟

OP posts:
stealtheatingtunnocks · 13/12/2016 23:40

just wanted to say - I am quite taken with your partner.

He sounds lovely.

Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 23:45

He is. He's absolutely amazing. As a sidenote; when DD was a baby, my bond with her wasn't the greatest, don't think all the hassle with this idiot helped. My mums friend used to babysit her a lot - she had a brother, who used to regularly visit, take her the park and she was quite taken with him, to the point that when she was about 2 and could talk, she would follow him round and call him dad. bet you can guess who the brother is 😍

OP posts:
Original poster
cars254 · 13/12/2016 23:48

You're right - I thought that would be an incentive for him to be honest!

OP posts:
stealtheatingtunnocks · 14/12/2016 00:04

I am now Very Taken with your partner.

Double awwww.

Original poster
cars254 · 14/12/2016 00:05

I will tell him he has mumsnet points 😍

OP posts:
stealtheatingtunnocks · 14/12/2016 00:05

Also, my bondwithmy eldest wasn't great when she was tiny for a variety of reasons.

Absolutely spot on now.

Original poster
cars254 · 14/12/2016 00:11

We're getting there. It's been a tough couple of years, but I think a lot of that is down to the fact we've had two LOs in the space of two years and it's been an adjustment for her x

OP posts:
2410ang · 14/12/2016 08:22

If payments are to stop when adoption goes through I would stop taking them now tbh.

You are a complete family unit and DD sees your DH as her real dad anyway.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2016 08:32

What an arshole, I think at this age, your dd would have a big say in proceedings. You could give her the option of meeting him supervised and seeing how it goes. If he wants that relationship with his dd, he has to earn it!

Astley · 14/12/2016 08:49

I would absolutely want to arrange a meeting between the DD and her Father. Maybe the idea of adoption has triggered something in him? Surely if he wants to be a part of her life if would be better for the DD to feel he was interested than feel he wasn't.

Original poster
cars254 · 14/12/2016 08:55

I don't want him having anything to do with her to be honest. My gut feeling is that he's doing this now because I've mentioned adoption.

OP posts:
Original poster
cars254 · 14/12/2016 08:56

Astley - so you'd be ok with him walking back in after never meeting her or never wanting to?

OP posts:
Original poster
cars254 · 14/12/2016 08:56

He's not her father in any sense of the word.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/12/2016 08:59

I'd stop payments now too rather than go through this hassle then stop in a few months when you process an adoption.

mydietstartsmonday · 14/12/2016 09:00

I think if you have received money for support along the way you have to expect that at some point along the way he may want access.
Your DD may want to meet him and I think you need to be neutral and see what she wants.

Astley · 14/12/2016 09:06

Yes I would. I think the fact she has described herself as a 'loser' for not having a Dad on her BC would say to me that it would be better for her to feel that he was interested.

I would put my hurt aside and try and make my daughter feel as good about herself as possible.

HOHOHOvariesBeforeBrovaries · 14/12/2016 09:08

I think if you have received money for support along the way you have to expect that at some point along the way he may want access.

It's a Mumsnet cliche but very true - children aren't pay-per-view. You can't link contact and money in any way.

Astley · 14/12/2016 09:09

He's missed 12 years, but potentially has another 60 to make a good relationship with her.

I would see the fact that he fought to see his other 2 children after divorce as a sign that he would be committed if he had an actual relationship with her.

SeriousSteve · 14/12/2016 09:28

My main worry would be your ex seeking to poison DD against your DH and yourself. Would proceed with the adoption as planned.

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 09:31

I wouldn't do a damn thing!

He clearly treats those two very very differently, and who's to say he might be one of those guys who want to have a look at her, find her aloof, and go "Nah, not for me" and fucks off again? Leaving her in tatters?

She HAS a Dad. She doesn't need this guy.

When she's an adult SHE can decide if she wants to pursue a relationship. I see zero benefit to it now, when her family is just starting to settle down and become solidified.

I would certainly start adoption proceedings immediately without informing him of any future developments until it affects his claim.

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